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I know this is shocking....

(58 Posts)
hughug Fri 01-Jul-05 11:47:21

I had a termination without telling my husband or ANYBODY else for that matter.

I know he would desperately want me to keep the baby, but i couldn't cope mentally, and that's a fact. So I didn't tell him because i know it would have really hurt him. It wasn't easy, believe me, i just put it at the back of my mind, and try not to think about it, but i know it is horrific. What do you think?

teeavee Fri 01-Jul-05 11:49:10

Horrific it is not. It was your decision. I believe that the woman should always have the last word on matters such as this.
You had the right to take this decision in the manner that was best for you.

MamaMaiasaura Fri 01-Jul-05 11:50:13

Did you get counselling? Why couldnt you cope? The reason I am asking is because it seems you need to talk it through and were you given that opportunity before having the abortion? Really really hope you are ok. Have you told anyone in family or friends. Quite concerned you may be isolated.

hughug Fri 01-Jul-05 11:53:37

Counselling was a 5 min chat with a woman at the clinic, really, what does she know?

NOBODY knows, friends or family. Why would i do this? they would think, when i have everything i need to offer a baby? Also very loving DH

Blu Fri 01-Jul-05 11:54:59

hughug - I feel very sad that your relationship couldn't have encompassed sharing this, and you must feel quite lonely, having taken such a step by yourself, but if your partner would in no way have supported YOUR decision, and it would have ended or badly damaged your relationship, then you were / are in a no-win situation. I am not shocked, and I don't think you did wrong - but I do hope you can get some support, and take care of yourself.

Enid Fri 01-Jul-05 11:56:12

I think you may need a bit of prof help to come to terms with your decision, not the termination but your decision to keep it a secret. Hope you can move on from it and I'd love to think you end up confiding in your dh. Good luck.

starlover Fri 01-Jul-05 11:56:28

hughug... you have not done an horrific thing!

you have done what was right for you, and for your family. if you couldn't cope with a baby then everyone would have suffered... not only you.

it does sound as though you are not dealing very well with it though. it is possible to have further counselling if you talk to your GP

Blu Fri 01-Jul-05 11:57:02

If you were sure about your own decision, I see no need to put yourself under pressure from people who would not have helped you.

Blu Fri 01-Jul-05 11:57:42

Yes, Enid has put it much better than me - that is what I meant.

Marina Fri 01-Jul-05 11:58:26

Agree with others, not horrific, but if you want to hold onto keeping it private in RL I think it would help you to get some further counselling/a chance to talk through your feelings.
Take care hughug and please do not be hard on yourself.

MamaMaiasaura Fri 01-Jul-05 11:59:37

5 min chat at clinic did she know your full situation? Sounds like it was more a tick the box exercise for her. Did you go via gp? did he/she help at all. I havent personally gone through this but are there support networks available if you really cant talk to friends or family?

Btw I am in no way judging your decision as I believe in most cases that as a woman it is your choice. I really think tho that you need some support for someone to properly spend time with you cos I sense there is a lot more to this. Hope I am not out of line.

QueenFlounce Fri 01-Jul-05 12:00:39

I'm curious as to why you posted it on here? Is it to feel like you've finally told someone? Or is it because you want people to tell you that it's all ok?

I find it deeply sad and quite upsetting.

MamaMaiasaura Fri 01-Jul-05 12:01:05

posts crossed

Caligula Fri 01-Jul-05 12:03:26

It's not at all horrific, you made the right decision for you and telling your DH about it may well have led to terrible trauma in your relationship if he didn't feel the same about it.

Don't be hard on yourself - you haven't done anything bad, let alone horrific.

QueenFlounce Fri 01-Jul-05 12:07:33

Sorry... to go against the general consensus, I think that its was a decision that your DH should have been involved in. The baby was as much his. I understand that the decision ultimately lies with the woman, her body etc etc..... but I feel it's a secret that will almost inevitable be revealed at some point. And how hurt will he be then?

QueenFlounce Fri 01-Jul-05 12:09:01

I'm not trying to hurt feelings here... but your post clearly asks "What do you think?" I'm just trying to be as honest as poss.

ninah Fri 01-Jul-05 12:13:01

If you were sure you could not have the baby I think you have done absolutely the right thing, including keeping it to yourself

NomDePlume Fri 01-Jul-05 12:13:14

QF, I agree with you in principle, but don't know how i would deal with it if I were in the exact situation.

compo Fri 01-Jul-05 12:16:37

feel the same as ndp. I know if my dh found out he would never forgive me making such a decision on my own but I really don't see why anyone should find out if you can manage not to tell anyone (I'm hopeless at keeping secrets)

QueenFlounce Fri 01-Jul-05 12:17:01

NDP - True. I've never been there.

Listmaker Fri 01-Jul-05 12:18:39

I'm afraid I tend to agree with QF too. Much as I'd like to say what the others are it's just not what I feel. Why couldn't you cope? Do you have other kids? And I don't think you shouldn't have told your dh. I know it's done and I don't want to heap the guilt on you but I find abortion in a marriage hard to handle.

Having said all that I want you to come to terms with this and live a happy life as there would be no point beating yourself over something that is done. Maybe it would be best kept a secret to avoid destroying other's lives but you might want to think about counselling as others have said. It's a big thing to get to grips with and could haunt you in years to come.

Caligula Fri 01-Jul-05 12:19:23

I think in an ideal world everyone would be in favour of couples taking big decisions together.

But in the real world, where a decision is made by one party in which the other party may have had consultation powers, but no decision making powers, the man involved may have such strong feelings of anger, resentment and hurt if a termination takes place without his genuine agreement, that it can smash a marriage apart.

That's not a risk most women would take and I don't blame them. And it sounds as though hughug may have been in a situation where she would have had to take an enormous decision with which her DH disagreed, which may have put her marriage on the line.

I don't blame her or anyone else not putting themself in that situation.

starlover Fri 01-Jul-05 12:20:17

at the end of the day though, regardless of whether or not anyone else would have done it differently, it IS done now...

hughug, i really think you would benefit from some form of counselling

Dahlia Fri 01-Jul-05 12:20:32

Hughug, I'm sorry you've had to go through such an awful experience on your own, but I think you're very brave, and I think you've done the right thing, from what you say. And, although it may sound trite - what he doesn't know won't hurt him. It won't serve any purpose to tell him, and if you think you've made the right decision having a termination, and you are ok dealing with it yourself, then so be it. But if it really starts to play on your mind, then you should try and talk to someone in RL about it, and get some sort of closure. Hope you are ok, take care.

QueenFlounce Fri 01-Jul-05 12:36:34

Why did you do it Hughug? Just curious..... there must have been something awful in your life to make you reach the conclusion that ending the pregnancy was better than having a baby.

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