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Should we separate?

(168 Posts)
Gangle Sun 03-Jan-10 23:09:08

DH and I have always had a difficult relationship but it's been particularly bad since DS, 21 months was born. Have posted about this separately so won't go into too much detail but basically he is nasty, selfish and emotionally abusive. He is a dr and works long hours which he uses as an excuse to rarely help out with DS. Because of his job, he claims he is constantly exhausted - if not working, he will have at least a 2 or 3 hour nap whilst I'm running around like an idiot, despite being 28 weeks pregnant with DS2. Naturally, he does nothing around the house - I organise everything, pay all the bills, do all the cooking, laundry, plus work full time in a demanding professional job. I could live with him not doing anything if it wasn't for his other behaviour - he oscillates between ignoring me and criticising everything I do, from my appearance to the way I raise DS. DS has an amazing vocab yet the other day DH commented that I should work on improving this asap. He has various obsessive compulsive disorders, for example, throwing my possessions away (have posted separately about this) and takes/uses my possessions without my permission, for example, he runs his car out of petrol then takes mine and drives it until it runs out of petrol. He did this a few weeks ago and also let the back window open so that the rain got in and drenched DS's car seat so when I came to use the car the next day I found it unlocked, emptied of petrol with the backseat and DS's seat soaking wet. He also incurs numerous parking tickets when driving it and doesn't tell me - first time I found out was when I nearly got a CCJ against me (he's binned all the reminders etc). He is horrendously disorganised so going anywhere or doing anything with him is a nightmare as we'll miss the flight/train or he'll forget his keys, or if we do make it I'll nearly have a heart attack from the stress of it. He ignores 99% of what I say so never does anything I ask, refuses to ever get up with DS so I NEVER get a lay in, even if sick, pregnant, whatever, doesn't matter, he won't get up so I have to. If he does then it's after so much naggging and rowing it's such not worth it. I just need a tiny amount of help, one lay in a month would be heaven, but he just can't do it. On the other hand, he finds time to go to football on Tuesdays, the gym on Wednesdays, see a counsellor on THursdays and usually out and gyms at least 2 other nights a week. If I want to go out or do anything then I have to get a babysitter as he cannot be relied upon to turn up or will turn up late. I am basically a single parent. I'm not sure if I still love DH. I think he does love me and I know he loves DS but his behaviour is just unbearable. His mum and a close family friend who has known him all his life agree that he is a bully and think he has a personality disorder but nothing I say or do makes him change. We row all the time and I am getting sadder and sadder and more and more lonely and it breaks my heart to think of raising DS and the new baby in this environment, or taking them away from their father when I know he does love them but who is slowly destroying me. To complicate things further, DH is supposed to bed taking a job in Nashville, US, in June. DS2 will be 3 months. He is insisting that we all go but I am refusing as I cannot move 2000 miles away with the relationship the way it is, nor do I want to move whilst DSs are so young with no support network etc. Seems like a natural time to separate but still very sad that he can just up and leave and not care about not seeing his children. He is putting on the onus on me, saying I should move to ensure the children see their father but I don't want to leave my home and my support network and a well paid job which could be my only means of support in future to move there. I just spent a week alone with DS as he went away over NY (to his mother's, I refused to go) and the house felt so lonely and empty, think I will find it really hard being alone. Sorry, this is turning into a ramble. Can anyone help?

NoBiggy Sun 03-Jan-10 23:12:18

Let him go on his own.

bibbitybobbitysantahat Sun 03-Jan-10 23:13:36

I would separate if I were you.

GypsyMoth Sun 03-Jan-10 23:16:50

Could you consider a nanny/mothers help/au pair for some help for you? Might give you a bit of space and sleep to see things more clearly?

hbfac Sun 03-Jan-10 23:17:35

So - do I have this right - he's suggesting you move to Nashville because there is a good chance you are going to separate and, if you do, and you haven't moved to Nashville, the dc won't be conveniently located for him?

And he is seeing a counsellor, but you have all this going on and you are not both in Relate?

Well, I don't know about whether or not your marriage might work out in the long run but I am fairly sure that, if you were to move to Nashville you will be hideously, and I mean hideously, emotionally and economically dependent on him. Like now, but x 100.

There is always a power dynamic in a relationship, and the power sounds weighed in his direction now, but will be a x 100 if you move.

You really need to talk this through with other people. And your communication as a couple should, surely, be better than this if you are considering something so major.

SerenityNowAKABleh Sun 03-Jan-10 23:17:44

What comes out of your post is that you have many, many reasons to separate from him. Do you want your DSs to grow up in such an environment? If you did leave him (or alternatively stay in the UK when he moves jobs) you will be a single mother, but you are basically that already and you won't have all the stress that this relationship is placing on you. You don't need another child - you have your DS1 and shortly DS2; you shouldn't have to be chasing after and looking after an allegedly grown man.

AnyFucker Sun 03-Jan-10 23:18:50


why did you have 2 dc with this selfish, empathy-challenged man ?

cut your losses now, for christs sake don't bury yourself 2 thousand miles away with him

he doesn't sound remotely reliable, lovable, capable of an equal relationship or even mentally-stable, tbh

doctor or no fucking doctor

Meglet Sun 03-Jan-10 23:19:08

He really does sound like a nasty piece of work. As you said, you are almost a single parent now, but you are also putting up with crap from your DH.

My XP was a nightmare, abusive, lazy, left me to do it all. I might be busier on my own, but it is bliss not having to deal with his moods or lie-ins.

GypsyMoth Sun 03-Jan-10 23:23:58

I second meglets IS total BLISS!!

Personality disorder...... My ex has one. I lived with him for ten years and boy, did it grind me down!!!

hbfac Sun 03-Jan-10 23:24:29

And now is a very good age for you to separate, if you decide on that route. It gets harder as the dc get older and you, as a couple, take on more debt.

You are also young enough, and unencumbered enough, to re-train, re-enter the job market.

And being a doctor is no excuse to be doing as little as he does. Fine, if you're the organised type who, actually, likes ruling the domestic domain but this isn't the case here. A lot of very involved parents are also doctors. So, that one doesn't fly.

"Bully" - from his mother? Hmmm. Not a good idea to put yourself in a vulnerable situation as regards emigrating.

Why not let him go off to Nashville first, and see how life feels without him?

Gangle Sun 03-Jan-10 23:25:06

We already have a nanny share, full time, for DS as I work full time. It's the weekends, mornings and evenings, and all other times that he's needed that he's not there or able to help is any way. Nashville was presented to me as "I'm moving here, you have to come" situation - no negotiation, nothing. Apparently I am boring and insular for not wanting to go, oh and obsessed with my job! I earn a lot more than him but he still rubbishes my job as if it's nothing. He is also taking a huge pay cut to take this position as it's a research post - I've asked him how he intends to support all of us on a salary of 25k p.a when I am on maternity leave and am told not to worry about it! He earns 3 times that now plus I am on a good salary and we still have no spare cash so no idea how he wants us to live. Totally agree about the power sruggle and if I move there it's all in his favour but think that's ideally what he wants - me isolated, no friends, no family and no job.

hbfac Sun 03-Jan-10 23:27:27

Gangle - ... I think you know what the rational line on this is. And it is not the one your dh is taking.

ineedapoo Sun 03-Jan-10 23:28:37

Wow I could have written this post down right down to is a Dr. i live for the times he goes away we are free to do what we want make noise in the morning etc. I am thinking of leaving take some time out if you can to think

GypsyMoth Sun 03-Jan-10 23:30:56

Why do you never have any spare cash ? What else is going on here?

Gangle Sun 03-Jan-10 23:32:49

DS2 was unplanned and I agonised over what to do but ultimately couldn't go through with an abortion. DH also wanted to keep him. I am now glad I did, whatever happens, at least I will have both my boys. Totally agree that being a dr doesn't excuse him from this - he has lots of friends who are doctors and they still manage to be normal, decent human beings who help out with their kids. What hurts the most though he that he is so contemptuous of me now which hurts so much as I am so emotional anyway. I speak to him and he completely ignores me, never asks me how the pregnancy is, how I am feeling, just goes on about how hard he works and how tired he is. I burnt my stomach quite badly over Christmas - he was at home (in bed, of course) but didn't even bother telling him as knew I wouldn't get a response, more like a bollocking for disturbing him in bed.

picmaestress Sun 03-Jan-10 23:35:49

I can't see any reason for you to be with this man at all. Why would you even consider staying with him? Your life would actually be easier as a single mum. Now you have a perfect opportunity to get away from him.

I wouldn't even begin to consider going. What would be in it for you?? And once you're there on only his salary, you won't have enough money to fly yourself and the kids back when it does go tits up. You'll be trapped, and without a green card, with no way of supporting yourself there. Surely you can see the whole thing is completely mad and just isn't going to happen?

Gangle Sun 03-Jan-10 23:36:28

You just worry for the children though. I get a horrible sick feeling when I think that I am taking the children away from their father. He makes it so hard as well as soon as things go too far he'll make a bit of an effort, enough to reel me back in, then it starts all over again. I hate feeling that I am the one breaking up the family. It's my fault though as I knew the type of person he was early on but loved him and now I am stuck with it.

GypsyMoth Sun 03-Jan-10 23:37:36

Time to move on now I think.....

Gangle Sun 03-Jan-10 23:40:21

thanks all for the posts. It's a huge comfort to know I am not going completely mad - it's amazing how they can make you feel like it's all your fault. Stopped talking to my friends about this a long time ago, too embarrassing, especially as I never to anything about it. I had told him I won't be going to Nashville but having a week apart from him over NY when I felt so lonely made me question that. The house felt so empty and lonely and I want a family for DS but maybe that's not possible, and it's his decision to move there anyway.

Gangle Sun 03-Jan-10 23:41:13

ineedapoo - were you with a dr? Did you find the same?

hbfac Sun 03-Jan-10 23:41:55

Your not "taking the dc away from their father". Your simply (rationally, imo), thinking that, perhaps, it's not the world's best idea to travel across the Atlantic to have a messy break-up, far from home and support, that will render you utterly impecunious and possible (probably) more emotionally devastated and worn down than you are at present.

It sounds a bit doomed from your posts. And I'm usually very reluctant to say that.

What says "doomed" is that there are clearly so many issues and your dh is not dealing with them at all.

AnyFucker Sun 03-Jan-10 23:42:24

you are not stuck with it, come on, you are a professional person (you said)

you can get away from him...who gives a shit whose "fault" it is ? The people who love you will understand

don't trot out that old cliche "staying for the children"...if you have this mindset I suggest you read a few more threads on here

if you go to Nashville with him, you really will only have yourself to have good insight in your post as to why that would be a bad idea

he will blame you anyway, you know that

tell him you are not going

you can support yourself, you have childcare in place

lose this 12 stone millstone...honestly, what exactly does he bring to the table other than stress and anxiety ?

Meglet Sun 03-Jan-10 23:43:16

You're not breaking the family up, he sounds like a crap dad sad. Your dc's are so young that while it will be hard to finally split they will probably adjust to it quite fast. Especially if he doesn't do that much with them now.

TheChristmasHour Sun 03-Jan-10 23:44:28

Gangle, deep down you know that this relationship is wrong for you. You are in a great position to start again (I.e you have a good salary to fall back on). Effectively you are a single parent now anyway. This time next year you could have met someone else and feel 100% happier in yourself and be content with your day to day life. Don't throw your life away on this man. It's corny but this isn't a dress rehersal; you must seize the day.

hbfac Sun 03-Jan-10 23:44:39

"You're", btw, not "your".

And a. give it a few months, rather than weeks, of being without him and b. you're not precluding a family for your dc. by leaving, you're precluding this family, with all it entails.

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