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Need some advice

(17 Posts)
StarMum101 Thu 30-Jun-05 09:36:28


My hub suffers from depression, he did before we met but I didnt know until we had been married four years and it came back. He lost his job, got over it, got another job, lost it, he's been in work now for eighteen months, although he had a month off in March for another bout of depression.

The thing is, he's OK until ANYTHING, however little, goes wrong. And if it does, it's ALWAYS my fault. Printer messes up? What did you do to it. A few muddy pae prints on floor? You NEVER clean (actually I had SCRUBBED that floor!). Can't get house deposit back when we moved? Must have been the kids fingerprint you left on the door (so tiny I missed it)- nothing to do with the fact he patched the walls in completely the wrong colour, or that our eldest is disable and smashed a wall in, of course.

Everyone says how well I cope with it, but I don't know if I can any more. I do love 'him' but I don't get to see that side of him very much. If I ask him to say if he loves me, or argue / debate anything, I'm blackmailing him.

I don't know what to do. My kids are being affected by it, but I really don't know. He CAN be great, really hands on and helpful and loving, when he's not ill. I've been made to sign every penny I have over to him (he overspent so badly - again my fault even though I have no access to his account- that we couldn't feed the kids otherwise) and my account is seriosuly in minus figures, as a result. We've only just signed this lease, and I know he won't pay voluntarily anything, he says he'd move away completely or kill himself. he often says that, daily sometimes. I had to call the police once to find him.

I'm very low anyway as I have to wake hourly with my son's disability but we've been refused any help, so I never get more that one or at most two hours continuous sleep (Hubby works nights), son has violent fits so I have to check to see if all kids OK- he tried to strangle one once, but as I say, doctors won't sedate or offer support.

Should I sit this one out and wait? Should I wait until he is more stable? I think if I ask him to go, he'd kill himself.

edam Thu 30-Jun-05 09:44:11

Oh Lord starmum what an awful situation to be in. I've got no idea what you should do, sorry, but didn't want to leave your post unanswered. I'm sure someone will be along soon who can offer better advice. But am thinking positive thoughts for you.

koalabear Thu 30-Jun-05 09:46:26

Oh my .... hug to you first of all.

First things first, why do you say he is depressed, because what you describe above sounds more manipulative and mean than depression?

If is depression, can be treated by seeing GP - various methods from counselling to drugs.

If not depression, then need to deal with the real issues here, and I would say is that the first thing you need is some rest and some help!

What is your son's disability? Are there any support services which can help you in that regard?

Fio2 Thu 30-Jun-05 09:48:10

:9 how absolutely awful Honestly, i think at the end of the day you are going to have to put yourself and your children first because there will 'always' be something with him that holds you to that relationship.

is he getting help for his depression?

my husband is one of these who says 'its your fault' and it really makes me mad

Listmaker Thu 30-Jun-05 09:57:03

God StarMum you really are a star mum! Like Edam I have no similar experience and no real advice to offer but wanted to acknowledge your post and send hugs.

As Fio says I think you have to put yourself and your kids first and not be blackmailed by him. However much you love someone dealing with an illness like depression is really tough and affects everyone as you described. It's not fair blaming you for everything. That's just immature and unkind.

Good luck.

edam Thu 30-Jun-05 10:01:12

Just a thought, could be wrong about this, but are you posting because, maybe subconsciously, you need 'permission' to leave him? You need other people to say that's OK before you can go ahead?
It certainly seems like a reasonable option from your post - you have more than enough to cope with and you are quite entitled to put your children first.
Apologies if I'm wrong.

StarMum101 Thu 30-Jun-05 10:09:06

You're sort of right- I feel like I SHOULD go, but actually I don't WANT to! He had medication last time, waitied til it worked then came off against GP advice. Was on waiting list for counselling, but we moved so I could train for a job, and he doesn't want to go back on list.

In the past a good night out has given me enough oomph to keep going, a bit of respite, but we're 100 miles from anyone we know now, and I can't find a single mother and toddler group- indeed there isn't one!

Son has Aspergers which is badly understood by medical preofession as they seem to think it is not something that affects lives and there isn't much help. National Autistic Society recomended Nytol / Kalms type things, I tried the herbal one with ZILCH effect and am scared to try the otherws as although NAS seemed to like them, they say over 12 and son is 5. I want him to sleep, not overdose!

edam Thu 30-Jun-05 10:19:28

Perhaps you could post on the special needs board- there are parents of autistic children there who may be able to help.

bebejam Thu 30-Jun-05 10:58:35

starmum, hang in there... what a terrible road to be walking at the moment.

I have to say... I have to agree with koalabear. I have some experience with family members who suffer from depression- and this doesn't sound so much like depression as much as just mean and abusive and immature.

Even if he may well be clinically depressed- that doesn't give him a right to treat you like dirt. And you are certainly not being mean or blackmailing to stand up for yourself and call a spade a spade. Despite what he tells you- you ARE NOT responsible for his feelings. Being sick is no excuse for being a total jerk, and you have every right to gently but firmly call him on it when he says absurd things like the broken printer is your fault.

Do you think he would really kill himself, or is he just saying that to get what he wants at the moment? If he really is suicidal, he needs immediate counselling/medical treatment.

It is really hard to stand up to people like that, and to stand up for yourself... but enabling him to continue treating you like that isn't going to help him get better. If he is truly sick, then he needs to seek medical help to get better.

I'm so sorry that you have to struggle with this, I hope you are able to find some support near you.

Bugsy2 Thu 30-Jun-05 12:01:48

Blimey StarMum you have got a lot on your plate at the moment.
You DH sounds very controlling and hard on you. I don't really know what the answer is but I think he is treating you badly - given that you are holding the whole show together. To me, threatening to kill himself if you move away just sounds like a control thing again - but I am not in any way qualified to comment.
With regard to your ds, defintely go and chat on the special needs threads as their are mums there with lots of knowledge about the help that you may be able to get.
Huge hugs

LittleStarsweeper Thu 30-Jun-05 12:10:52

Starmum, poor baby, in the house with a clinically depressed DH. Anyone who has had depression of a deep level will understand that what you say and what you mean are different things. You become so removed from reality that nothing really cares. Example I hate spiders BIG TIME. When I was in my deepest depression, i couldnt of cared less if a tarantula crept on my face! You are numbed from reality. Now he has to realise that he needs help and if he is not prepared to seek counselling and medication then quite honestly I think you may need to consider if he becoming just an abusive hubby. Try and coax him to seek treatment. Sometimes it takes you to make that first appointment at the GP to get the ball rolling. If he is adamant that he isnt following the route for repair. Then consider your options carefully for the sanity of you and your kids! Good luck

StarMum101 Thu 30-Jun-05 13:45:38

I think I know he doesn't mean it, I think he actually needs me to 'beg' him not to go do something silly to feel that he is needed. Does that make sense?

I am going to get him back on the counselling list, our son's dx made this more urgent. I also called Social Services today to get some support in place for me as I am in effect caring for two very needy people plus my other children (who have minor sensory probs themselves) and myself if i can in the time left over/

Hated doing it though, felt I was giving up!

Bugsy2 Thu 30-Jun-05 14:21:20

You are not giving up StarMum, you are taking control. Good for you. Definitely a move in the right direction. I hope SS can help you.

LittleStarsweeper Fri 01-Jul-05 20:19:22

Starmum, I cant say in the depth of depression I cared less whether I was needed, loved or anything else. I felt totally incapsulated in sadness but didnt know why I was sad as on the face of it,(logically) All was great! Maybe if you feel he needs to be begged to stay etc it sounds like insecurity maybe borne from having you spend time with disabled child and you being totally not you because of exhaustion. It could be he feels last in the pecking order and trying to make himself noticed. (almost child like reaction). I know its tough for you but could you get a bit of you and him time for a weekend?

LittleStarsweeper Sat 02-Jul-05 09:46:24

Starmum, how are you doing?

StarMum101 Sat 02-Jul-05 19:11:05


A bit better now actually. Told Dh that if he didn't get help then I couldnt stay, much as I love him. Also called him in sick at work for a rest, and called social services (who will get back to me within the next few months according to receptionist!) so feel more in control, also DH has realised that I am serious and seems to be pulling himself up. He explained how worried he is financially, and how bad that makes him feel, and althopugh i think it's an over reaction (ie we have little money, which is v v different from we have no money) I can get that.

I think you're right about the insecurity: dh'd parents split very nastily in the winter,and although he is in touch with both he hasnt seen dad since then because his new girlyfriend doesnt want him to, dad even forgot d's birthday, that must hurt him a lot as they are very similar.

LittleStarsweeper Mon 04-Jul-05 13:34:19

Theres nowt wrong with a little control makes you feel better doesnt it. Good to hear he is taking you seriously maybe now it can move on so that you can both start feeling better about yourselves. Good luck

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