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Trial separation..... advice please!(7 Posts)
This is a long story, but will try to keep it short! Met dh when we were 19, he was my 1st serious boyfriend, I was his 1st serious girlfriend, been together ever since, married 9 years ago, 2 kids under 8. Work together in our own business. Things have been rocky since working together, got really bad last year & I told him I wanted to separate. He got angry, then tearful, said he couldn't live without me & begged me not to go. could not bear to hurt him so agreed to work it out. He is not a bad person, he's a great Dad but when I look at him I feel nothing and that we've grown apart. I've asked him to go to Relate and he won't,says we don't have a problem. I can't live with him anymore & want a trial separation, The problem is, I don't want to leave the home so as not to disrupt the kids but we work from home so there will not be a clean break, if that makes sense. I'm so confused. I really don't want to hurt him but I need to start living my life, instead of his. Has anyone had a trial separation - did it help? Advice please girls & boys! Apologies for rambling. Quickly writing while he's popped out!
hello oomd. I'm afraid that I don't have any similar experiences but just wanted to lend my support. It sounds like there are a lot of things that you both need desperately to talk about but it must be extremely frustrating that he is in denial that you don't have a problem. I wonder whether you could tell him how you feel then spend some time with family/friends so he has time to think about it without the daily distractions of raising a family?
sending (supportive emoticon) your way.
Anyone? Really am desperate for some help!
All i can say is that i had problems with exp and asked and asked him to let us have a trial separation to try and work things through,he continually refused but then eventually we split for real and he lost everything,he tried and tried to make us get back together and work but i felt the time for that had passed while i had been asking for a trial separation,so by the time we split i felt zero for him and was in no way able to try and work things out.We are still apart 3 years down the line.We have three kids i was pg with no.3 when we split.
Are you really asking for him to move out? If he doesn't want to then you do have a problem, and if he is committed to you and your children he would be very upset if you suggested it (I know because my dh suggested this to me once, and I was furious). I don't think that trial seperations work unless it's something that you both agree to. Also, it doesn't sound like you are really thinking about a trial, if you are talking about a clean break.
I'm not saying you are necessarily wrong, just trying to work out what you are really wanting here. What do you think a trial seperation will achieve? Why don't you try ringing up one of the relate councellors for yourself, and talk through it? They will do single councelling. Also is your dh really aware of the depth of your feelings?
Are you planning to stay working together should you do the trial? Is it that you are spending too much time together - would getting a job outside of the house help? (I tried working with dh and it was a complete disaster!)
Having said all of that my dh and I are now planning a trial seperation, but it will be for a set six months, for particular reasons which we need to work out. And we are both moving into new places, so neither of us should feel that we are moving out.
Good luck with your decision!
Nooka, in my mind I think I know that I want to split for good but my heart says that I should spend some time away from him to work out if that is the best thing. I'm pretty sure he would refuse to move out. I already have a job away from home as well as working with him & it's made no difference. I would have no choice but to continue working with him during the separation. Each time I try to tell him my true feelings, he shouts like a big kid and just will not listen. I'm so confused and really do not want to hurt him, but I guess it's inevitable whatever happens.
That sounds painful. Can only say it might be worth talking through your options with a councellor, so you can work through how in practice you might manage things. Otherwise do a bit of research - can you support yourself and your children, how might you share childcare, what would you do about the business etc
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