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My mum - a long one

(5 Posts)
ChaCha Mon 27-Jun-05 16:11:12

Have been wanting to write this for ages but felt a bit guilty. Here goes, if anything it gets it all off my chest (for a while anyway).

I'm an only child, grew up with very strict parents, my parents pretty much wrapped me up in cotton wool. Both parents left their families at a young age, my dad left his home country to study in the UK and my mum had been in and out of homes etc..until she ran away, met my dad, got married.

Was never close to my dad, he expected too much from me and was very, very strict. Was close to mum, she was great, must have been hard living with my dad as he was a bit of a control freak. She couldn't even take a tenner out of the bank without his permission. I wasn't allowed friends round or out after 7pm (as a teenager), the list goes on. Very, very strict upbringing.

When i hit the teenagers years mum and I grew apart. Mum would lose her temper with me, call me a lot of horrible names and use her hands to get her point across. It used to really hurt. This went on for years, i accepted it, never spoke about it (you just don't) and made excuses. The worst thing was after being hit/screamed at/kicked, i'd be in a state and she'd start crying, asking me for hugs, telling me that she was so sorry and would be breaking her heart. I always gave in. I did love her. I did hurt myself after these incidents, nothing serious, but after years i realised it was a call for help, nobody ever knew.

When i was in my early 20's my mum told me that i had a sister that i'd never met. I left the country i was living in at that time to try and find her but with no luck. My mum had a child very young (15) who was taken away, mum grew up with alcoholic parents before being taken into a home. She has a lot of baggage and i do feel that is part of her problem. I feel so guilty writing this even now. My parents managed to hide both their pasts from me and bring me up in the little bubble that they tried to create. My mum went on to have a relationship with someone other than my father and so they are now divorced.

When i fell pg a few months back i felt very distant from my mum, can't explain it, even though we'd been trying hard for the last few years (one visit in 5 years and many phone calls). My dad is now v.close to me, stays for weeks/months on end and flies over frequently. Can't bond with my mum, find that she tells me lots of lies and just lives in the past - when she loses her temper it all comes back and she starts with the name calling and 'remember when you did this' scenario...when she's in a good mood she's a great mum.

Anyway..we haven't spoken now for about 6 weeks. She said i was cold and made her feel left out, she was jealous because my inlaws and my dad had been staying with me and that she would never see her grandchild. I got a bit fed up and said some things that i shouldn't have. I always feel so bad.

Not sure why i'm writing this but i feel better to just have written it down. The story is so much longer than this but if you've read until now i am really grateful.

Thanks xx

bamik Mon 27-Jun-05 16:35:27

Chacha ((((((((((BIG HUG))))))))))))

You shouldn't feel bad. You've been through a lot hun and you probably have a lot of stuff inside that you've never spoke to her about, so it's only natural that you express yourself.

Come on hun. You're a human being and there is only so much that you can take. What hurts is I know that you really love her and would love to have a wonderful 'mother & daughter' relationship. Maybe you can - but you and her would have to have a real heart to heart, which may mean speaking a lot about what took place in the past and this could be a good or bad idea! Not really sure babe, but might be an idea to just get everything out in the open.

Love,

Bami xxx

mogwai Mon 27-Jun-05 16:55:56

hey chacha

You know I understand your situation.

I don't know if you are ever going to have a better relationship with your mum. Sounds to me like it's always volatile to say the least.

Personally I've decided I've done all I can. Now that I'm having a family of my own, I've got my own family to worry about and this (and my own mental state) now has to take priority. If you keep going round in circles with her, perhaps it's time to take stock.

Counselling helped me enormously - I no longer feel guilty standing back and taking stock. The counsellor used an analogy of me being in my field and her being in hers. I came to the conclusion that I didn't want her even leaning over my fence! Have you had any counselling at all?

The problem seems to lie with your mother, not you. You can't change her problem or how she reacts, all you can do is protect yourself. It hink it's time to do that now, chuck

ChaCha Mon 27-Jun-05 17:01:54

Thanks girls..appreciate the replies.
Firstly, Bamik - where have you been? Haven't seen you on our PG thread? Do CAT me, would like to know how you and bubs are.

Mogwai - i've often thought of it, but feel guilty. Do you know how long its taken me just to write what i did? You're right though, I need to think about it. Everything seems different now that i'm pregnant, can't quite explain it - thanks for listening and Mogwai..how's bubs?

mogwai Mon 27-Jun-05 17:28:41

bubs isn't wearing a watch, or if it is, it can't tell the bloody time or date !!!!

I think counselling and taking stock are great.

I agree, it does seem different when you are pregnant - you realise there's a whole new generation and you have to stop the cycle

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