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Father troubles!

(8 Posts)
AnotherHelen Sat 25-Jun-05 11:52:42

Trying to keep things short, my relationship with my dad has always been a bit strained as he is not a nice man, my mum left him when i was fourteen because he made my sister life a misery, from the moment i was born he decided i was better and his new favourite, and made my sister feel an inch tall ever since (she was only 4 when i was born) which i think is disgusting enough but since she left him other things have come out about him being very abusive to my mum and others aswell - basically he's a complete arse, although people that have never lived with him think he is great - he has a VERY good sense of humour and comes accross as a great guy, for me, since my mum left him i have been round to see him and kept in touch (unlike my sister for obvious reasons) as he made me feel very guilty initially and threatened me with his suicide if i didnt go and see him and help him etc etc etc.... although now im 26 so this was sometime ago i really dont like the man and have got into a rut if you like of maintaining contact with him because i cant help but feel like he is someone that is best kept onside rather than off as i really dont know what he would do if i cut him off (he has done some very psycho things to other people) when i had my last baby i told him i would be in touch when baby was a few days old as i needed some time with my new baby and older son, he came round when my new son was 5 days old or should i say he came crashing in my house and shouted and hurled abuse pointing his finger in my baby's face saying whats this? when were you going to call? what sort of daughter are you? etc... now im 26 weeks pregnant again and i havent told him yet! he came round a few weeks ago and i managed to hide my little bump, im not sure if he knows and isnt saying anything waiting for me to tell him (he's pretty manipulative) as he has shown alot more interest in coming around and dropping in lately, he is now asking when im coming round as i keep putting it off as i can no longer hide that im pregnant and i really dont want to tell him, although this sounds abit dire its an ongoing problem with him and i guess i need some advice as to what i should do next? should tell him or should i not and if not how do i get away with it all? i really have got myself into a knot over this and i could do with some input! - im hoping im not beyond helping! xxxx

AnotherHelen Sat 25-Jun-05 11:53:20

Sorry thats not very short is it?

Nightynight Sat 25-Jun-05 11:59:14

hi anotherhelen
could your dh/dp tell him where he fits in in your household?

You say he's manipulative, and it certainly sounds that way. Having been on the receiving end of a couple of manipulative relationships, I can sympathise with that. I think it's a classic stand up to the bully and he will back down situation. But maybe not something you can do by yourself.

good luck.

monkeytrousers Sun 26-Jun-05 14:36:19

Yes, I agree Nightynight. Does your partner ever back you up or doesn't he want to get involved? I have to say, he sounds a bit sinister. Maybe you could have a family meeting (not with him present of course) and ask everyone for their help?

Blu Sun 26-Jun-05 15:36:32

It sounds as if he is trying to own you, and if you won't 'come to heel' he will bully you into doing things his way. It sounds like a horrible situation to be in. Is he also trying to get you to 'be on his side'? Which will naturally cause tension and discomfort over your relationship with your sister.

I don't quite know what might help - write him a clear assertive letter, not being hostile, but explaining that you feel more comfortable if you are allowed to communicate with him in your own time, and that his beahviour makes you feel as if he is trying to own you, and this is not comfortable or enjoyable for you? Tell him that if he comes into your house shouting you will not invite him in again.

I think it would be good if your dp/dh backs you up, but to my mind, you need to be careful of settiing up a situation where two men are fighting over the right to protect you - you are not a possession to be guarded by either of them.

monkeytrousers Sun 26-Jun-05 15:59:21

I agree in principle Blu but (hope this doesnt scare you Helen) he sounds a bit deranged. I think if the whole family could back you up that'd be preferable. On what you've said (which admitedly isn't the whole story) I'd be inclined to cut all ties. If just for the sake of your children.

Maybe secretly tape one of his outbursts and then threaten to expose him as the bully he is. If he cares about his reputation with his friend if not his family it might have an effect.

Is that blackmail??

AnotherHelen Mon 27-Jun-05 12:35:19

Thats a good idea MT! im not sure if it is blackmail but i dont care much to be honest i think i just need to get him out of my life or at least keep him at a greater distance than he is now! as far as dp goes, i dont think he really knows how to deal with it, he comes from a very 'normal' family with a great mum and a great dad and has barely ever had to raise his voice with anyone ever! i dont think he knows where to start! And yes blu, i think your right, i think he is trying to own me, infact i think he thinks he has always owned me! and the fact that my sister and i are very close and always have been seems to annoy him a great deal too, for some reason im having a real hard time about telling him about this baby! i really feel strongly about keeping it from him, i think your suggestions are good though girls! i think i will talk to dp about it some more and i will get the rest of my family involved too, see what they come up with! i would love a dad that was normal and lovely and great to be around - im not alone though im sure there are many people out there who wish the same! Thanks girls for your help! i needed some guidance! xxxxx

Caligula Mon 27-Jun-05 12:39:40

OMG he sounds like a maniac. I don't blame you for wanting to keep him at arms length.

Don't have any concrete advice, just that you're absolutely right to want to detach yourself from him and don't let him emotionally blackmail you from any decision you come to.

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