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I have never in my life been kissed or hugged by mother or father.

(29 Posts)
ilovejonty Fri 04-Dec-09 16:27:29

I cannot touch them even now. It feels wrong and as if there is a physical barrier.

I am always kissing and hugging my ds (dozens of times a day). I worry that I am too smothering but I am affectionate and want him to be affectionate.

ImSoNotTelling Fri 04-Dec-09 16:36:17

They must have hugged and kissed you when you were a baby, surely?

Mine are not at all demonstrative, it's just how they are. i am demonstrative with my children, it's how I am.

If your DS wanted less hugs etc he would tell you - my DD quite often tells me to sling my hook (she is 2!).

Does it bother you with your parents or is it just an observation?

ilovejonty Fri 04-Dec-09 16:39:25

It doesn't bother me exactly. I can't remember being kissed or cuddled as a toddler, though of course I can't recall what happened as a baby. I remember falling over when about 3 and my mother just sort of standing by awkwardly and giggling. I remember sensing other people thought she was odd. I suppose it's come into focus more now I am a parent.

whattodonextstuck Fri 04-Dec-09 16:41:59

That is sad ilovejonty. Do you have a partner and if so do you have a tactile relationship?

It's better for your ds to have too many hugs than too few, but don't force it when you don't feel like it. Part of recovering from a dysfunctional relationship with a parent is coming to understand them, and you often only do that by allowing yourself to behave like them. You are probably like them in some ways (looks, temperament etc), but you might overcompensate because they were so extremely withholding of affection. It might feel worrying to you NOT to hug your ds given your history, but it may be healthy for you to withhold if he is in the middle of something etc. Then if you can get through the worry of not hugging him, you may gain some insight into why your parents were like this.

ilovejonty Fri 04-Dec-09 16:45:48

I have a DP and we are fairly tactile. But I often feel tense when he hugs me and I saw 'ow, my neck hurts!' as I am so un-used to being hugged and sort of stand all rigid.

addictedtolatte Fri 04-Dec-09 17:02:32

ilovejointy my mother was exactly the same she never hugged or kissed me for 36 yrs of my life i sometimes hated her for her behaviour. by the time i got to 37 i asked her why she behaved that way and she opened up to me. when she told me about her childhood i understood her behaviour completely. we now have a fantastic relationship. i too go rigid if an adult even my dp tries to hug me. just hug your children as much as you want or as much as they will let you. i do this with my ds i dont want history to repeat itself.

deste Fri 04-Dec-09 17:08:22

I dont remember being hugged or kissed either. I do give lots of hugs and kisses though so it didn't affect me.

ilovejonty Fri 04-Dec-09 17:08:26

I have never really asked my mum why she didn't hug me addicted, I doubt she would say if I tried, she is generally evasive about anything 'deep'. I never got the impression she had any issues with her mother, although one of my therapists thought she must have had. From what she has said, the sun shone out of her mother's arse, but I feel there was also fear / submission there.

I hated my grandmother (her mother) and have no real feelings of love towards my mother. I am scared of her, ashamed of her and wish she was not around in some ways

I want so much better for my DS.

ABetaDad Fri 04-Dec-09 17:12:08

ilovejonty - I had the same in childhood. My mother and father never hugged or kissed me and never have. It still feels very strange to be kissed on the cheek by anyone when saying hello and goodbye. My Grandma used to kiss me goodnight and hug me and I wondered why?

For quite a long time DW used to say I did not hug her enough. I used to practice with her and am good at it now. I used to be sort of rigid like you but learned to relax and be spontanous. I just did in the kitchen and it was nice. My DSs also get plenty of hugs and kisses from me but never from my parents.

My advice is be really really open with DP and tell him how you feel and ask him to practice with you. Also make a point of hugging and kissing him every day even if you dont feel like it. Remember to relax.

Enjoy it! smile

ImSoNotTelling Fri 04-Dec-09 17:18:39

That's a good point, thinking about it my mum and dad don't hug or kiss my children.

I have never thought anything of it until now.

ABD's idea of practicing cuddling your partner sounds nice though, jonty smile

heartofgold Fri 04-Dec-09 17:25:23

"I am always kissing and hugging my ds (dozens of times a day). I worry that I am too smothering but I am affectionate and want him to be affectionate."

absolutely nothing wrong with this please don't ever think there is. smothering is something else, it's about not allowing them to be their own person, affection is totally different and afaiac cannot be overdone, if it feels right to you and he doesn't fight you off

ilovejonty Sat 05-Dec-09 10:23:08

Thanks for the posts, I will carry on with my kissing. He did push me away this morning saying 'all wet mummy!!' (Not aware I had slobbery kisses blush)

dejavuaswell Sat 05-Dec-09 11:38:00

I never saw my Grandparents hug my father in several decades. It was a generational, stiff upper lip, thing with them perhaps?

ImSoNotTelling Sat 05-Dec-09 13:12:31

yes I think it's an old fashioned thing. We are not at all demostrative as a family and that is fine by me - I know my parents love me as they show it in other ways.

If like Jonty there is a feeling that they actually don't love you then that is different and horrible sad

Jonty just try and shrug off previous generation weirdness, you don't have to repeat the cycle with your own DC, and you obviously aren't smile

CMOTdibbler Sat 05-Dec-09 13:42:36

My mum will hug me, but not kiss, and my dad won't even hug. Both come from troubled families (mums dad was orphaned at 11, then went to a brother until he was 14 and could join the navy, never went back. Mums mum was in hospital for 5 years as a child, so didn't bond with her family. Dads mum had postnatal psychosis that wasn't treated well, and she was in and out of hospital) where not a lot of affection was shown.

Only makes me sad when I think about the fact that I get more genuine hugs and kisses from my colleagues than I ever will from my parents

Kathyis12feethighandbites Sat 05-Dec-09 13:57:07

My parents don't hug though of course they cuddled us when we were little.
It goes back through the generations because my Grandma remembered my dad saying to her 'why don't we ever hug in our family?'
However they are great parents. It has no bearing on how much we love each other. They show affection in plenty of other ways.

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks Sat 05-Dec-09 14:11:54

I don't remember ever been kissed or hugged by my parents either, not even as a small child. I'm very affectionate with my DD but she seems very happy with it. I'm not so affectionate with DH and wonder if its because of not being used to it.

canonlytakesomuchmore Mon 07-Dec-09 02:25:00

My mom cuddled me for the first time at age 25, 5 years ago when I left home for good and she said she loved me. I cried mostly on my 12 hour flight as we never had a mother daughter relationship.

MuMuMu21 Thu 07-Dec-17 20:56:05

Me, too! I have never being kissed, hugged or told I love you by my parents which have made me a person who is not able to react with others, I feel like I am emotionless and what's strange is that I want to be hugged and loved but not by parents (I cannot accept it now). I am seeking to find a partner who will do this all the time. Since I was young I have been dreaming of a man who loves me unconditionally and hugs me with a complete acceptance (dreaming I do not mean in my dream when I am sleeping but I am imagining him every night and even I know well his feature, he has everything lacks me, everything which I want to be feeling) I love him and cannot imagine my life without him, I do not if you will see me as a crazy girl but I cannot escape from my emotions and needs. I'd like to ask you kindly, what do you think of me?

rainbowlou Thu 07-Dec-17 21:26:47

I don’t remember ever being hugged, kissed or being told I love you by my parents,doing it now would make me feel really uncomfortable.. I’m very, very affectionate with my children though ( oddly enough they are too!)
My sister will hug our parents hello and goodbye but I can’t bring myself to x

rainbowlou Thu 07-Dec-17 21:30:00

As in my parents try to be affectionate with my children ( even though they hate it as it always comes with conditions)

kittensinmydinner1 Thu 07-Dec-17 21:30:14

I'm in my 50s DM is in her 80s. I cannot recall her EVER hugging any of us (3 siblings). I started to kiss hello/goodbye about a decade ago. Which she seems to be warming to but still goes a bit rigid. 🙄.. I think it's her upbringing. She was bought up by a very undemonstrative nanny.. her parents were quite detached. I simply think she never knew 'how' to cuddle.
It used to piss me off but as I've got older and had children of my own I've come to realise that she doesn't love us any less than I love mine who I kiss and cuddle at least once a day. We are her world and she shows her love in other ways. Always there for us. Constantly supportive. Tactile is not the be all end all.

GoldenWondering Thu 07-Dec-17 21:39:50

Same here.

GoldenWondering Thu 07-Dec-17 21:52:58

Oh fuck it's a zombie thread.

AmeliaFlashtart Fri 08-Dec-17 05:56:26

I'm in the same boat OP, I'm a strange combination now of on the one hand being an absolute sponge for physical affection but also having to learn to accept hugs, not that I yell get off get off, it's that relaxing and receiving bit, not tensing. Keep hugging your son, he'll tell you to stop if its too much smile x

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