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could you live away from your partner?

(159 Posts)
whymummy Tue 21-Jun-05 18:09:29

ok,i'm really,really considering going back home,i'm missing my family and friends too much and is making me ill,the only solution would be for the children and i to move and dh stay here to work and come over at weekends,we've talked about it and although he knows how i feel he doesn't want to be on his own and he has a really good job over here and doesn't want to lose it,i don't want him to be miserable but i really want go so my questions are
would it work?
do any of you or your partners work away from home?
how do you feel about it?
if you were in my situation would you do it?

charleepeters Tue 21-Jun-05 18:12:06

no i couldnt personally but if its making you ill then maybe you have to?

Fio2 Tue 21-Jun-05 18:18:22

my husband works away ALOT and it is really hard. For you i would say, do you see alot of him during the week whilst he is at work? if no, then it is worth considering. he will be heartbroken you know. Could you not trial it for a while? How do the children feel about it?

whymummy Tue 21-Jun-05 18:23:05

thanks charleepeters
fio i know this is what has stopped me from doing it earlier.the children would love to live in spain but i don't know how they'll feel about not seeing daddy every day

justalurker Tue 21-Jun-05 18:24:08

Personally I wouldn't do it cos to me getting married means my husband is now my immediate family and no matter what happens I can't run back home because I miss my family and friends, I weighed all that before taking my vows. What I feel you need to address is why you are feeling the way u are feeling and if possible try and resolve it together with your DH. Living separetely in my humble opinion do not bring couples closer or in your case family together, even if you have to it I believe it will be for reasons such as husband in the army which can't be helped . Communicate more with ur husband and hope all goes well for you.

Fio2 Tue 21-Jun-05 18:28:08

is there no way at all he could get work out in spain that he would find staisfying? long term could he not re-train and do something else with a view to you moving out there on a long term goal?

It is very hard. Whe dh worked down here and then down in dorset whilst i stayed at home all week, i felt my head would explode and it puts such demands on your relationship. he still works away now, weekly and sometimes fortnghlty/monthly if I am lucky () But I think sometimes when it is only the weekends you see it each other it can sometimes turn into a comodity after a while, instead of all the missing each other (and lust ) you feel at first. this is my experience anyway

whymummy Tue 21-Jun-05 18:50:02

thank you justalurker,i know i sound totally selfish fio he could get a job over there if he learned the language but he's never even tried i don't know what he's scared off as he says he'll love to live there

Chandra Tue 21-Jun-05 23:30:37

I think that what makes the things difficult may be the fact that you feel you are sacrificing so many things for the marriage while he is not really doing as much as you would.

Forget about the marriage vows, if had been able to foresee the misery that my marriage life was going to be away of my country, I would have not married in the first place!

Please don't tink I'm not taking the subject seriously, I have sent you a long e-mail. AAAAAANNNIMO AMIGA.

bossykate Tue 21-Jun-05 23:32:39

no. now let's see what everyone else has said.

bossykate Tue 21-Jun-05 23:35:03

oh whymummy, i'm sorry to read this. my only suggestion would be that he goes to spain on a very specifically time limited trial basis - e.g. 3m - with a very well thought out exit plan. that way, the move doesn't seem permanent to him, you may persuade him to try it, he may love it and not want to move back. good luck with this one - it doesn't seem very compromisable.

morocco Tue 21-Jun-05 23:42:52

poor you whymummy - I'm sorry you miss everything and everyone so much like that - it is very hard to live away from loved ones, especially after having children, isn't it?
we used to compromise a bit so me and the kids would spend extended holidays in the UK with my parents - I know lots of other people who have done the same thing and it seemed to work more or less Ok for them (nothing is the ideal solution really sometimes, just better or worse). I used to line up jobs over the summer in the UK for example so I would have an excuse to be there longer but perhaps you wouldn't even need to do that? I know schooling might be an issue for you though.
Personally, I don't think it's great for relationships, or for the kids, to be that physically separated. dh is having to work abroad still to support us now we're back in the Uk - it doesn't look like we will be able to return any time soon - and it's far from ideal. I was devastated when my dad worked abroad for a while. But, if needs must.
I don't know much about your situation - do family visit you much? are you working? do you know many people where you are living?
all the best

alexsmum Tue 21-Jun-05 23:42:55

my dh has been working away for the past 18 months.sometimes we only see him at weekends, sometimes we see him for two days a week.It has put a tremendous strain on our relationship...i don't think he realises how much of a strain.
I wouldn't advise it basically.It's got to be better to stay together if you can.
The job he has been doing is coming to an end now, i have got a summer of fun and togetherness planned....and he has come home tonight and told me wants to take another job in the netherlands and he wants us to go as a family...taking ds out of school etc.he doesn't understand why this upsets me.
i would say either you stay, or he goes with you..stay do otherwise is hard.

moondog Tue 21-Jun-05 23:46:30

whymummy,what's the scene? Are you Spanish? Where are you now?
My dh has spent most of the past 4 years in various parts of the world.It is hard,but we spend big chunks of time with him and I believe we are a happy family.
Hard,as the money he earns is excellent and allows us to do so many intersting things,so we are happy to sacrifice for now.

Tortington Tue 21-Jun-05 23:49:46

i know exactly what you mean - what a dilema. it took me a good 18 months to get over moving away from up north.
there is a rock bottom low point with home sickness then you tell yourself to stop fkin moanin and get on with it.

depends on how much you want your marriage/relationship to work

milge Tue 21-Jun-05 23:50:18

I couldn't live in a different country from my dh - a different house yes, but not a 3 hour plane trip away. my dh worked away for 6 months and it was bl8765y hard on us both - he missed the kids( and i would like to think) me, the kids played up all the time, constant pressure to phone to speak to the kids, awful. He still is away maybe one weekend a month for his hobbies/semi work/training things, and this is great - i remember all the good things - sole ownership of the remote control, less washing, bed to myself, no one nicking my popcorn infront of my choice of dvd, etc. Really consider your position long and hard before separating your family, but i do feel for you and your current position.

lucy5 Tue 21-Jun-05 23:50:37

How long have you been away from Spain? I have lived in Spain for about 18 months and love it but there are times when I feel terribley homesick but most of all people sick. So much so that i havent spoken to my best friend in uk for about 4 months as I just cant face it. Everybody tells me that the first year is the worst, I think the second year is the worst because that when reality hits. You see your new country for what it is not what you want it to be. I dont know you or your situation but if its possible In my experience its better to face it together. I wish you all the best and if you ever want to moan to someone else who feels homesick look out for me. I'm on here most nights. Keep your chin up

Chandra Wed 22-Jun-05 00:25:46

Whymummy, long time ago I met a Sweedish woman in an airport, we talked for hours as our flights were delayed and although I only saw her once she told me something that had stayed with me since then.

She said that she had married a Belgian and that he moved to Sweeden with her, she said that he tried long and hard but after two years in Sweeden he told her that he was finding it too hard and that probably was about time for him to have also a chance to see if the thing may work better in Belgium, so they moved there and she said that although sometimes she missed her country she had realised that by moving to Belgium she also got a life she enjoyed more and her marriage had been very happy.

So you never know if things would be better or worse until you try them, possibly what somebody suggested about going for 3m as a trial is a very good idea, especially if it's done at a time like the summer when the disruptions to the kid's school can be kept to a minimum. Alternatively, instead of him visiting on the weekedns you can organise that for the same amount of mony you and your children can spend a weekend in Spain a month which in someway maybe cheaper than mantaining two houses.

fatmomma Wed 22-Jun-05 00:46:04

I would personally never live away from my dh out of choice. In fact I moved away from my family and friends to be with him.

How long have you been away from Spain? I found the most important thing was to stop thinking about where I used to live as home. Home is where my dh is (and now my ds too). It took me a good few years to build up a new circle of friends and it helped that I love spending time with my dh. TBH I would rather be in his company than anyone elses. For me, putting down roots in my new area helped a lot with missing my family.

My dh has just got a new draft (he is in the Navy) and will only be home at weekends as from October. He will also spend long periods at sea (ie 6 months at a time). I did think about running back to my family but it would break his heart (and mine) as he would only then be able to see us once or twice a month.

Only you can say what will work for your relationship but if being away from your family makes you ill, wont you have the same situation with being away from your dh? Or does he not count as your family? (sorry if that sounds harsh, couldn't think of a nicer way to put it )

whymummy Wed 22-Jun-05 06:49:13

thank you so much for all your messages,i'm sitting here crying after reading them.
i've been over here 14 years,7 of them in london and then moved to where we're now and in 7 years i haven't really made any good friendships,there's mums i know from school but none i could called best friends.when i first met dh i had just been in london a few months and i was enjoying my new found freedom away from home,never thought about the future,we had a great social life and travelled a lot i was never homesick but that all changed when i had ds 7 years ago,had really bad pnd and i just wanted to be with my family,the people that loves me,sharing everything ds did with them,dh was working all hours under the sun,even weekends,he still is and i just find myself missing so much in life too,i have lots of friends back home that are always up for a good time,my friends over here won't even consider a night out,so my social life is nil.
i am very close to all my family,dh isn't to his so he doesn't understand that bit,when we're in spain he always says that is no surprise i feel homesick all the time,what makes me sad is that he won't even consider learning the language,i love him very much and he's a great man but at the same time i feel trapped and resent him for me being miserable,what i'm asking for is not impossible but he won't even try,like chandra says it's me making all the sacrifises.
anyway,i'm going on too much now,i cried myself to sleep last night thinking about it and i can't see a way out,i can't split the family up.
thank you everyone

Fio2 Wed 22-Jun-05 07:39:34

are you going to stay in spain all over the summer holidays? personally i would be frustrated too, my family are a bit useless but I can see how you feel. I think you are going to have to put your teacher hat on and make him learn spanish. he is just being a typical man (mines the same) and doesnt 'have time' to learn, to move and all that. it really isnt a good idea to split the family up but maybe it would make him see sense as to how unhappy you are. 7 years of loneliness isnt fair on anybody

whymummy Wed 22-Jun-05 07:52:57

hi fio
we're going for the whole month of august,dh will spend 2 weeks with us and then come back.
i'm off on a school trip today but will be back later.
thank you again to everyone

PollyLogos Wed 22-Jun-05 08:09:27

Whymummy I am so sorry to hear that you feel like this. I also know exactly where you are coming from. (I am english living in greece 20 years)and there are times when I wish I could just up and go back (all of us)I have actually found this feeling has got worse in the last 5 years or so, for 15 years I wouldn't have even considered it.

Are you talking about a permanent move back?If not then maybe you could just go for long holidays more regularly? (I personally don't think this is quite the answer as you then don't completely fit anywhere.)

How would your child cope with being away from his/her dad? You also have to think about your child and schooling. Although they can change systems it is logistically harder the older they get. This is one of the reasons i can't do anything now. Mine are well into their secondary school years and although their english is perfectly capable of supporting them in the British system it is just too late to do any changes now.

My experience here (where there are thousands of mixed marriages) is that it is much harder for the male to change countries. Sexist or not, he is usually the main bread earner and it does seem more difficult for them to find equivalent work. Maybe Spain is different, but that is certainly the case here.Language wise, its a shame he doesn't try to learn spanish. If he did come to live in Spain I am sure that he would pick it up (sink or swim - immersion method I think its called!!)

Bossykate is right that it is good to go at first for a specific length of time, I disagree with 3 months though. I think it has to be at least a year if not two. 3 months especially if you go in the summer is just an extended holiday and won't be taken seriously. When I first came here it took at least a year to even start getting to grips with the language.Is there any chance he could get one years sabbatical from his job or something like that. What does he do? If he became fluent in Spanish would there be jobs available?

I agree with Chandra that if I could have forseen then (20 years ago) how I feel now i probably wouldn't have come.(and my marriage is reasonably happy and I like Greece but lots of little things niggle and its builds up...) I really hope you can sort something out. At least a trial... Best wishes

charleepeters Wed 22-Jun-05 08:11:45

Can i just also say from my earlier post - although i know its not the same thing my dp is soon going to be working all day long hours when i am used ot him working half days so that gonna be a struggle as i will only see him for about an hour in the week so if you do decide to move i will be here tot alk as i will know how you feel xxx

jessicasmummy Wed 22-Jun-05 08:14:13

FWIW Ill be here too - Dh is Army and away A LOT so know how the lonelyness thing can be hard.

The most Ive spent away from him is 6 months (prior marriage) and it kills you both.... but believe me, once you are together, you make up for it.

whymummy Wed 22-Jun-05 08:22:41

hi pollylogos and thank you,sorry you feel sad too.
dh is an electrical technician and supervisor really good at his job so there would be no problem him getting a really well paid job in spain,bossykate's idea is really good,he's always wanted to take a year off and go travelling so maybe he would agree to that,i don't know,he's also now working with a firm that has contracts in spain so i'm keeping my fingers crossed.i can't see it happening though,i feel like i'm in a long dark tunnel with no way out.

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