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I don't sit around doing nothing all day and I don't have the easy option - but why can't dh see this?

(42 Posts)
Raggydoll Sun 19-Jun-05 17:07:06

I am otherwise very happy with my life but my dh is completly refusing to acknowledge my contribution to our family. I feel he doesn't appreciate me and when I told him this he didn't seem to think I do much to be appreciated. He on the other hand works a 60hr wk and does loads of DIY etc and consequently gets all sulky if I don't tell him how wonderful he is on a regular basis!

I do not sit at home all day doing nothing, I have 18mth ds and am 28wks pg. I work weekends to contrbute financially, do all the housework and garden, ds is happy & confident and has plenty of one to one attention - I also do all the finances and shopping not to mention the usual organising of both families birtdays, special occasions etc and xmas...

However I do not get up at 5.30am like dh and in his eyes I don't think he will ever think my contribution matches his...

I actually think I might ask for seperation.. am I overreacting or am I right to call it a day if he continues to refuse to admit I also deserve a little appreciation....

motherinferior Sun 19-Jun-05 17:56:55

WHat would happen if you listed everything you do in a day, and showed him the list?

And one thing I think you can stop now is organising anything for his relatives' birthdays or his Christmas presents.

Raggydoll Sun 19-Jun-05 18:00:01

I don't know I never tried to write it all down, tbh although I know I'm busy all day would it really look that much on paper??

motherinferior Sun 19-Jun-05 18:01:49

Good grief, yes. You're working at weekends and doing childcare, and doing all the housework???

That's much more than a 60 hour week, I reckon. I do paid work four days a week, split the housework between DP and the cleaner and IMO that's a pretty fulltime job. You're amazing!

KBear Sun 19-Jun-05 18:02:00

stop doing all the things you do for him until he notices...ie no pants, no shirts, no dinner. Sounds like he needs a wake-up call BIG TIME.

Chandra Sun 19-Jun-05 18:03:11

And also include in the list the price of the nursery should you had to use one (you are contributing with childcare which is very expensive).

When DH has said something like that I feel like not doing anything for a week so he can see the difference my work makes. I have not had the pacience to tolerate the mess caused until he understand my point but I definitively stopped having the dinner ready for when he comes home...

flobbleflobble Sun 19-Jun-05 18:06:11

Offer to go back to work full time and let him stay at home?

Chandra Sun 19-Jun-05 18:07:43

If you do the list, be specific:

Nappy change X times
Wiping hands
Sofa cleaning after milk spill
Cooking
Shoping (inclde traveling times, etc)
Reading books
etc.

A full time nanny charges around 2000 per month and she is not required to wake up in the middle of the night...

lunachic Sun 19-Jun-05 18:09:15

my dp says the same to me sometimes but i know now he does it to wind me up(very unfairly)-i know he does appreciate me and im sure your dh does you-bet hed be lost without you and he probably wouldnt give up his 60 hr week to do what you do even if he says he would.
one think you could point out to him is that your job is 24-7
if i were you id take a deep breath wait till hes in a better mood and then get hm to admit that he does appreciate you and that your job is special and hard work
does he realise the sheer amount of what you have to do to keep a house and children and that when you are pregnant if you need a rest you need a rest fullstop.you and the baby are more important than housework washing...goodluck

lunachic Sun 19-Jun-05 18:11:48

one id like to add to the list
tidying up
tidying up
tidying up
tidying up
tidying up .......ad infinitum

and my house is still not tidy

Chandra Sun 19-Jun-05 18:11:58

Or if you take care of his clothes being ready for use, dinner on the table, sorting home finances, etc so he can come back to indulge in his hobbies (DIY) without any worry in his head, then you can suggest to be paid the salary of a butler? I think they are far better paid then most other professionals...

debs26 Sun 19-Jun-05 18:13:30

send him an invoice. including time when you are 'on call'. and dont forget to bill him for use of your uterus, not sure how much that would be tho

Tipex Sun 19-Jun-05 18:20:17

does he look after your DS whilst you work at the weekends? If so, ask him to also do 2/7ths of the housework , washing, organising etc etc at the weekends also so he can see just what your week is like. If he continues to feel that your roles arent equal, ask him straight out what else he feels you should be doing?
Do you think it is more that HE doesnt feel appreciated and so has to belittle what you do? Do you actually tell him how proud you are that he works hard etc just as you want him to say that to you? Sorry if that sounds negative, it isnt meant to be, I truly can imagine just how much you dash about etc, I'm just trying to imagine why hes saying these things.

Chandra Sun 19-Jun-05 18:20:58

And of course bearing a child... how much does a surrogate mother charges? an she is not expected to do any housework.

RedZuleika Mon 20-Jun-05 18:06:44

My husband is very into the idea of our being a 'team' - where each person's contribution is valued equally. And when we recently considered life insurance, he totted up how much he'd have to pay other people to fulfil my functions. Nanny and cook to start with... not to mention cleaner, gardener, handywoman, dog-walker, housekeeper...

You're worth a fortune when you look at it like that.

Bonkerz Mon 20-Jun-05 18:49:57

I am a childminder and because i work from home Dh assumes i do not do as much as him. I care for 3 children under 3 and also our ds before and after school. I dont stop all day and got so fed up with all the comments about me being able to do washing etc cos im home all day that i stopped doing it. I no longer iron dh shirts and very rarely do i cook his tea. We now share the hoovering and tbh he does most of the washing! I work 50 hours a week and bring home 2/3 of the salary he does.

Stop doing certain things or recommend a week where he will take off for holiday and try to do what you do, this may open his eyes a little!!

Gobbledigook Mon 20-Jun-05 18:52:41

Luckily my dh is under no illusion since he looks after the children if I have to work at the weekend (I work freelance from my home office) - and that's all he does too - no cleaning, housework, shopping, finance organising, cooking. Just childcare - and that kills him!!

Does your dh ever look after your ds and try to do the housework etc too?

If not, I agree with whoever said make a list daily of every tiny thing you do. Today, along with looking after the kids I've cleaned all our wooden floors, cleaned the fridge and microwave, sweeped out our driveway and patio (HUGE!), cooked meals, done washing - and he'll know it too when he gets in!!

kid Mon 20-Jun-05 18:54:08

Get him to take a week or two holiday and swap roles. You sit back, put your feet up and let him havea go at doing your 'job'

I like going to work, at least I get an hour lunch break to myself!

calpopscalum Mon 20-Jun-05 19:11:10

Go away for a weekend and leave him to babysit and house sit! Worked wonders for me! he was exhausted and pulling his hair out. And I'd left meals ready so he didn't even have to do that.

Know how you feel though - until THAT weekend, I ahd to suffer the 'you sit at home all day lines too. Not anymore though!

WideWebWitch Mon 20-Jun-05 20:27:06

Gawd, yet another man who thinks a wife = nanny/housekeeper/cleaner/cook fgs, does he realise how much he'd have to PAY several people to do all the work you do? butlers get £15/hour Maybe you should read Wifework, a bit about the book here . I agree, going away for a weekend might give him an idea.

Tortington Mon 20-Jun-05 21:35:04

i am carrying out a cost analysis at work to compare the services of my teams consultaion work to that of an equal outside provider.

i think this is what you should do. i would get two quotes from local childminders - then work out an average hourly rate. multiply this by 24 hours working a day and again multiply this by 7 day and 52 weeks.

then get two quotes for a cleaner and ask specifically what the cleaning service will entail - does it include clothes washing and ironing for instance -i doubt it? again do sums as above

yout then need to do the same for an ironing service. then cost the dry cleaners and local launderette- when you leave a wash for a service wash again multiply as above

dont forget to add on the £5 charge for iceland or tesco home shopping delivery - how many times a week?

then add this all up - add on 30% for oncosts

you cant then show this to him and tell him these very considered wize words " get your head out your fkin' arse f8ckwit, slavery has been outlawed in this country and your takin the fookin piss mate. now this is how it is. i will look after the kid and you babe ....well your on your own - if your shirts go pink - well am sorry but i can't possibly tell you how much i don't give a sh*t. i have had enough of your ignorance and it stops right now. you either start treating me with the respect i deserve or you will not get your toad near my hole in the very near future. oh and BTW if you don't like it - f*ck off becuase wuite frankly i would do better and with sooooooo much time on my f8ckin hands i will have f8ckall to do all day than to think of ways to screw you over big time - consider this you wet wipe, hows about working all the hours god sends to only see your kids in macdonalds on saturday - know your lovely wifey is probably screwing some nice builder and to top it all off - your skint with no love and no family and your ex-wife has now become a full time f8ckin bitch. so GROW THE F8CK UP"

moondog Mon 20-Jun-05 21:39:34

lol custardo! (That'll sort him out in an instant!!!)

kama Mon 20-Jun-05 21:43:10

Message withdrawn

Raggydoll Tue 21-Jun-05 13:37:46

Sorry I didn't post for ages but I don't have access to the pc every day...

I loved reading the replies they definately cheered me up no end. I am going to make the list and put every little detail on it.

Custardo - thanks for the prepared speach, lol. I would love to see his face...

moschops Tue 21-Jun-05 14:34:27

can i just say.......Custardo......i am PMSL at that........a girl after my own heart.

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