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aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh- rant sorry[angry]

(28 Posts)
prettyfly1 Sun 19-Jun-05 13:07:19


HappyHuggy Sun 19-Jun-05 13:08:38

Bit confused!

authentic family?

prettyfly1 Sun 19-Jun-05 13:13:34

sorry i assume that most people are aware of my story. He is married. That is not to say i willingly had an affair with him, i did not and would not. Bit complicated but i am normally teetotal, was v drunk as a one off - he was sober, offered to take me home and then i woke up with him the next day!

HappyHuggy Sun 19-Jun-05 13:17:49

we've all done that at some time or another!

must be hard for you, do his family know?

men can be irisponsible tossers at times

prettyfly1 Sun 19-Jun-05 13:24:18

no- i hoped to avoid them finding out - 1 because i like hr and innocent children are involvedand 2 because i think the phrase was " i will take you and your family to hell" if i let out who it was. nice

HappyHuggy Sun 19-Jun-05 13:38:47

sounds like you and ds are better off without him?

prettyfly1 Sun 19-Jun-05 16:02:13

of course thats the case you are right and the majority of the time it is easy to provide all that my son needs. The one thing no matter what i do that he will want is to know why his daddy isnt here. it just makes me sick that he can do what he did and continue to play happy families. It hurts me immeasurably because despite everything i loved him and didnt believe he was capable of such total irresponsibility and cruelty and it hurts my baby. Everything we have is at risk and yet his "family man" father still wont help protect him. Fathers day is a bloody joke for people like him. They should change it to "men who take responsibility and are decent" day. Like my dad. Rant over.

prettyfly1 Sun 26-Jun-05 19:13:30

and for my weekly update - put ds in front of his father on thursday to try and make him see sense, guy looked gutted and wanted to cry, aSked again for his help to get csa off both our backs on friday. ignored me again. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Why are men so bloody stubborn - HE ISNT HELPING ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Twiglett Sun 26-Jun-05 19:20:08

am confused

why are the CSA on your back?

and he has an obligation to all his children not just the ones in his family

and are you saying he had sex with you when you were unwilling or unable to consent?

you say you love him .. did you have a relationship?

sorry, just trying to get to grips with the story of your life

edam Sun 26-Jun-05 19:29:30

I think you are saying that it was a drunken, stupid one-off which you didn't plan and regret (apart from producing ds)... am I right?

Are CSA on your case because you are on benefits?

prettyfly1 Sun 26-Jun-05 19:40:26

ok , sorry guys i know that probably all does seem rather confused. He was my first and is my only love, but he married someone else while i was away after she had a baby. I first met him seven years ago. I moved away to get over him after we had a mc when i was eighteen ( twenty three now) I knew i still had feelings for him when i moved back in january of last year but couldnt and wouldnt, a. share him and b. hurt children. so i ignored him and carried on. My friends persuaded to give him a chance to be a mate and i thought with him being a married man with responsibilities obviously it owuld jsut be me who hadnt moved on. He slept with me when i was very drunk ( v rare) and although i regret that i cant regret the rest because it resulted in a beautiful baby boy, after i was told i couldnt have children (endemetriosis, fibroids, scarring from previosu infections)He then did a runner believing that i didnt care for him which was right although it hurt like hell because his family will be shattered and i dont want to see them hurt. After much ( mumsnet based!) discussion I claimed benefits told csa didnt knwo who babys dad was. A "friend" told them the truth, they got very nasty and now chase me all the damn time. I have cancelled benefits and they still wont quit. I have begged babies dad to tell them we have a private agreement to save both families and he just ignores me, which i dont get because it obviously hurt him to see his child!!

Phew, hope you guys have beared with me, i sound like the next eastenders script

prettyfly1 Sun 26-Jun-05 20:09:25

have i killed this thread again. I know you probably all think i am awful and believe me i often feel like that myself. This whole situation has made me so unhappy because there will be no winners. I still cant bring myself to regret my son though. He is so perfect and it seems so wrong that so much unahppiness will be wrought over his name.

If it makes those of you who think "bitch" feel better please know that i wish to god i could stop everyone suffering and i live every day hating myself for being so weak that i still love a man who doesnt care at all for me. An independent woman in every way i am paying for my mistakes. I just wish i knew what to do now

basketcase Sun 26-Jun-05 20:27:37

why on earth would anyone think you are a bitch?
You feel that you have made mistakes in your life and are clearly very unhappy dealing with the consequences and daily moral dilemmas thrown up by all of this - but exactly how does that make you a bitch?
From the little I have read on this and other threads, you seem so unhappy. You really need to sort out the CSA mess once and for all - you will feel a lot happier if you do. I would give him an ultimatum. Either he cooperates and contacts them in a set amount of time, copy of letter sent to you, or you will contact them on his behalf. Enough is enough, he needs to realise that he does not hold all the cards, that he can’t bully you into anything anymore and that he must take responsibility regardless of how difficult it is.
If necessary, I would go to your local CAB for legal advice. The worst thng you could do right now is to ignore it and hope it all goes away - it won’t.

Xena Sun 26-Jun-05 20:32:26

prettyfy1 If you don't mind me asking how do you support yourself and your son?

prettyfly1 Sun 26-Jun-05 20:34:59

oh thank god someone replied!!! in my life in general basketcase i cannot complain. I have wonderful friends, a great family, a lovely house, and the most beautiful son as well as a great job. In every way i am blessed. I just feel so dreadfully unhappy that i am going to destroy that for another innocent woman, and like i said, angry at myself for still caring what happens to him ( confusing i know). I guess i hadnt really seen it as him bullying, more preserving his interests.

prettyfly1 Sun 26-Jun-05 20:36:23

i dont mind that. Maternity leave, working tax credits and child benefit. all in all totalling about 650 per month when it all goes through. Going back to work next month as that really is not enough to survive when you factor in rent, bilss etc.

Xena Sun 26-Jun-05 20:37:23

I might be shot down in flames but isn't this going to get 'out' before to long? and I would rather find out if it was my DH sooner rather than finding when the child is 5.

prettyfly1 Sun 26-Jun-05 20:43:27

that is one of the reasons i am panicking so much. it is about to come out. in my head i would want to know. in my heart i wouldnt. i feel like since i chose to keep and raise a child on my own i should have been able to do that without intefering with anyone elses. i feel like i have failed.

Xena Sun 26-Jun-05 20:48:33

No you haven't PF, Its going to come out and it won't be nice. you just have to hope that they don't put their children in the middle. But at the end of the day that is their responsiblitie and not yours. Your son has half siblings that he has a right to know as he gets older.

prettyfly1 Sun 26-Jun-05 20:50:19

i cant see that happening. i am worried that he will put my son in the middle. i couldnt bear to see him hurt.

HappyDaddy Mon 27-Jun-05 07:50:50

I hope you don't mind me butting in, prettyfly1. To be frank, your ds is already in the middle. You're trying to get his father to accept responsibity, but he refuses. The reason the CSA are "on your back" is because they see that you and ds need him to take responsibility. If I were you, I'd tell the CSA exactly who he is, he can't have his cake and eat it.
And if he threatens you with taking you "to hell and back" tell him that he's already taken you there and he can't do anything to hurt you.

HappyDaddy Mon 27-Jun-05 07:52:14

Sorry, I also wanted to say, well done for being to strong so far. Try to keep it up. He doesn't sound as if he's worthy of being classed as a father to your ds anyway.

prettyfly1 Mon 27-Jun-05 15:58:52

happy daddy you are a sweetheart and it sounds like your lady is very lucky. thankyou all of you for your continued support with this. Woken up feeling so much better today. Looked at my beautiful son who is depending on me and just thought "sod it". He is the only thing that really matters and x has only himself to blame. I am not letting him hurt my little boy. Have told csa this morning and am gonna go on holiday for a few days at the weekend to prepare for teh mayhem. Still sad that its come to this but i am not the only one controlling the situation and i just have to let it go and get on with loving my son. Thanks again. And you are right. He doesnt deserve my son.

prettyfly1 Wed 29-Jun-05 13:55:13

updating this one. Tried for third and final time to get through to him yesterday- and HE CALLED BACK!!

atmosphere still rocky and very strained but despite provocation i remained calm and cool throught the conversation and we at least made a start. Lets see where it goes from here.

Listmaker Wed 29-Jun-05 14:04:49

Well done Prettyfly - hope it gets sorted out and you keep on concentrating on loving your ds!!

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