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relationship different after having DD

(18 Posts)
Roopoo Thu 12-Nov-09 07:48:56

hiya

Im not sure if I am posting in the right section of mumsnet but here goes.

I had DD 7 months ago.. It wasn't an easy pregnancy and I have PND and am on medication Fluoxetine. Anyway my DH is amazing and so supportive and I love him and fancy him as much as I ever did BUT

I hate my body.. I can't look at myself naked or in my underwear.. I can't bear the see what I have become.. I feel like a different person than the woman who became pregant.. I walk along cowering next to hubby with head down as I don't want people to see the fat blimp he is married to..
He tells me he fancies me but how can I believe him when I can see for myself the fat ugly woman in the mirror...

Will this change... I find myself brushing him off when he tries for a hug or a kiss as I don't want him feeling my body.. I can't tell him the reason why as I don't want to draw attention to my body..

Sorry if this is a ramble.. I don't know what to do.. I'm pushing him away.. I know I am but I just can't bear to see the look in his eyes if he saw me naked and realised what a mess my body was......

If I have posted in the wrong section pls let me know thanks...

LoveBeingAMummy Thu 12-Nov-09 07:54:52

Hi roopoo

you said

my DH is amazing and so supportive and I love him and fancy him as much as I ever did

Change the dh to dw and this is how your dh feels about you

If you have put weight on, he can see it and he does still love you and wants you otherwise he wouldn't be trying to get hold of it!

You should tell him how you feel, if he is as amzing and supportive as you say it can only make you feel better.

smile

Roopoo Thu 12-Nov-09 08:00:29

Thanks
Probably just being irrational
My mum constantly goes on about my weight and how I need to loose it and it just gets me down.. I feel like Im not the woman he married and that he is stuck with something he didn't sign up for IYKWIM

But thanks again for the lovely comment

WoTmania Thu 12-Nov-09 08:12:41

Of course you aren't the woman he married. You've had a baby. His baby. And I'm sure he appreciates you all the more for that.
I would also acho eveything Lovebeingamummy said.
Talk to him and tell him how you feel and maybe get him to tell your mum to stop making 'helpful' comments aboutlosing weight. It will come off in its own time.

WoTmania Thu 12-Nov-09 08:18:09

echo not acho.

lillypie Thu 12-Nov-09 08:18:20

Hi Roopoo I am sorry you are feeling down and totally agree with LoveBeingAMummy's comments.

I would like to suggest that you start doing little things to make yourself feel better.It's amazing what a difference healthy eating can make to your mood and maybe your Mother could do something useful (like babysitting while you go for a swim?)instead of making comments.

I struggled with the same feelings after having my DD and my DP was fab(just like yours smile)but I didn't feel better until I really tacked the thing that was making me miserable and insecure.

Take small steps,set yourself achievable goals and start to love yourself a bit.

Roopoo Thu 12-Nov-09 08:28:49

Thanks

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 12-Nov-09 09:47:24

You are being irrational but you're entitled. Your mum is being a prize bitch by the way. I put on 3 stones during pregnancy and I'm still a fattie but I got fat growing a baby and my DH is very grateful for that!

Please let your DH show you that he finds you attractive. I can't bear looking at bits of me even after losing 1.5 of the stones and I can't have DH touching my belly but it doesn't stop him trying and telling me over and over that I'm attractive, as well as being very enthusiastic about having sex with me. I'm sure your DH would be the same given the chance. Listen to him and try to believe him when he says he finds you attractive.

Also - get some new clothes that fit (don't squeeze into pre baby clothes or wear old maternity rags), get your hair done and hold your head up. My best friend said to me, when I was moaning about being fat, 'ok, you have put on weight. Either do something about it, or own it and realise you are still hot. Moping about it just makes you look unconfident and miserable'. And she was right. I'm still fat but last week when I was out I had three separate men come on to me just because of confidence. DS is 14 months now and it has been a slow process finding myself again but it wil happen! But you have to make an effort and stop pushing DH away.

Roopoo Thu 12-Nov-09 09:49:29

Kat2907 Thanks you so much for your comments.. My mum is always very critical of everything.. Mothers hey!!

thumbwitch Thu 12-Nov-09 09:56:28

Your feelings about your body are probably a part of your PND - and your ma is indeed being a royal bitch to you by undermining your self confidence, especially if she can see you are already in a low place.

Have you always had issues about your body image or is it a new thing since you had your DD? Has your ma always criticised you?

Point one: BELIEVE your DH when he tells you he still fancies you - it's quite disrespectful of him to assume he's not telling the truth. What he sees is the fabulous mother of his child, a wonderful woman with a woman's body that she got having his baby - and maybe he even likes the extra curves!

Point two: IGNORE your mother - she is being seriously unhelpful to you and there is nothing good to be got from believing anything she says

Point three: TRUST your DH - tell him why you feel unable to have his cuddles, otherwise he will feel sad and rejected and think YOU have gone off HIM - or that you are one of those women who don't ever want sex again post-baby (they exist).

I hope you get some positives from this thread - well done for looking for support here - BUT trust the man you married, he is there for you.

kat2907 Thu 12-Nov-09 09:58:10

Message withdrawn

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 12-Nov-09 09:59:06

oops this one

Roopoo Thu 12-Nov-09 10:30:50

Thanks again so much... You ladies are lovely

WhiteRoses Thu 12-Nov-09 10:57:33

Hi,

My DH and I are TTC#1 right now and the other night, we were talking. I was worrying about how much things will change for us after our baby is born, and was saying how much less attractive I'd be after having a baby. He couldn't believe how silly I was being. His take on it was that he loves me more than anyone or anything on earth as it is, in so many capacities - as his wife, as his lover, as his best friend... But, he said, after having our baby, he'll have brand new capacities in which to love me - as the mother of his child, and as someone who gave him the best gift anyone ever could... So he couldn't possibly understand how I could imagine he might love me less... I asked about the fat, the stretch marks and the bags under my eyes... His response to that was that he's a man, he barely notices whether I've brushed my hair or not as it is! And that if he barely notices now, how bad is he going to be when he hasn't slept for weeks because we've been up all night looking after a crying baby! Anyway, he said, all of those things will just be evidence of how I've put our baby before myself and how can that not make him love me even more?

I love my DH! But seriously, just as I would NEVER have looked on it in the way he did, he would never have looked on it in my way! Sometimes these things really are all in our heads and we shouldn't doubt our lovely DHs. We should just love them and hug and kiss them and make them feel special too.

Hope some of that cheers you up. [hug]

Malificence Thu 12-Nov-09 10:59:39

Believe your lovely husband , NOT your mother.

Buy some lovely ( covering) undies like a lacey chemise and french kniclers that will make you feel gorgeous, he doesn't even see your saggy tum or stretch marks, I bet you have great boobs, if he's got them in his face he won't be looking for excess flab.wink

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 12-Nov-09 11:07:30

Oops just realised why my msg was deleted. I'm not working for that site or anything hmm

thisxgirl Thu 12-Nov-09 11:49:17

It's so normal to feel this way after having a baby, especially as your self-esteem will be coloured by your PND. It's still early days for your physique and hormones to regulate.

Everybody thought I snapped back into shape so quickly after DS was born but I saw flaws all over (stretchmarks on my breasts, breasts less firm etc.) and I would not let my DP see me naked and even contemplated cosmetic surgery, much to his bemusement.

Although your DH seems to genuinely still fancy you like mine did, I only really started to feel better when I felt like I was 'working' on my body. Perhaps, psychologically, it was my way of regaining control over my body after many months of not having any? I bought some gorgeous underwear that flattered the bits I was worried about (in my case I got a push-up bra but there are beautiful, sexy, floaty things you might feel good in...embrace your best bits!) and then got myself some Bio Oil and some hideously expensive breast cream. Nivea does a firming cream that isn't very expensive but does work. The products seem to work but largely, it just makes me feel better to spend a little time pampering myself and 'reclaiming' my body.

You could begin to incorporate some light exercise into your day - literally 15 minutes a day will make a difference - and of course that will help your endorphin levels and make you feel more in control.

LoveBeingAMummy Thu 12-Nov-09 14:33:23

You ned to tell your mum to back off and that her comments are seriously effecting you.

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