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help my relationship is falling to peices and im so confused

(25 Posts)
princessdaisyboo Wed 11-Nov-09 12:16:57

probely quite a few of you are not going to like me but some of you might have a bit of advice that might help me sort myself out,
ive been with dp for 2.5years, we met whilst i was married and had a short affair before i left my husband, i was very unhappy in my marriage and had been for a long time, no excuse, i hate myself for what i have done, Dp was single his wife left him 2 years before we met, he has been very hurt by this and is very scared of getting hurt again so i think this is why he is soguarded and un emotional.
I have very low self esteem and low confidence, a mixture i think of what i have done and also the behaviour of my dp.
I have a 4 year old dd from my marriage, and 1yo ds with dp, we were so happy at first and i was laid back and fun, and slowly i have changed into a paranoid, suspicious jeleous mess, with not much evidence of anything to feel like this, dp is very unemotional and does not show his love for me very much, he puts me down and makes fun of me constantly i laugh at the time but they all mount up and he does hurt my feelings, things like, ive got a big nose, im fat,(size 14) droopy boobs, i look like the dog etc etc, he never compliments me, if im going out he has never said you look nice, lovely beautiful etc i have to ask, which is just not the same, when i get very upset and i confront him and tell him he upsets me, he will not say sorry he said its not him that has upset me ive upset myself!! he has also been quite violent to me 4 -5 times when we have argued, he has thrown things and pinned me up against the wall and is very scary as he is 6ft and huge build, the last time this happened was infront of our 1 year old son which is just not accectable. it has not happened again since then.
my farther was very violent to my mum and ive told dp i will not stand that behaviour, he says its my fault and i make him do it. i know that is utter rubbish why cant he own upto his actions.
the latest argument has been about trust and porn, i know that every man with access to a computer will have a look at porn i can accect that even though is does make me feel really inadequate and even more shit about myself, but he has started getting emails from girls wanting to chat with pictures, all crappy porn things, which i know are prob old women making a bit of money, he will not admit to being on anything lately, ive told him im ok with looking but anything 1 to 1 or chatting is really not on and it really hurts my feelings, he says he has a clear conscious and its just junk mail, is this possible, im on facebook and myspace but i dont get naked men emailing me! he has now changed his password so i cant see his emails, we were sort of sharing his email address thats why i had access. am i being over the top and too harsh on him.
I love him so much i dont want to leave him, i dont want to hurt my children, but im unhappy, im not me anymore he does nothing to make me feel special or show his love.he pays me no attention which everyone need.s or is it all me like he says, are these all my problems that i need to sort out myself ???

Its hard not to compare him to my ex who was much more loving and affecionate, i do regret leaving him, i took him for granted and i have now relised that no one will ever love me like he did. is this the problem, how do i let go?

ive been to doctors twice, and i have tried some relate counselling but only did 3,i didnt like the lady,she kept clock watching and was distracted totally put me off.
doctor does not think im depressed wont give me tablets, dp thinks im pathetic for trying the couselling and going to the doctors, no support from him there.

we had a frank chat last night, i told him what i want, ie a man who makes me feel special, who shows his love and feelings, to be loved for who i am flaws and all, i eventually want to get married again to him etc,
he says he also wants us to be a family and yes we will get married one day if we can stop all the arguing.

is it him that has knocked all the confidence and fun out of me, or am i depressed??
im sorry its long and mixed up, im soo mixed up

Parmageddon Wed 11-Nov-09 12:22:05

Your dp is definitely not treating you right. He is being abusive in lots of ways -
1) actual physical violence
2) putting you down constantly and not making you feel good about yourself
3) taking things too far when looking at porn and chatting online

He doesn't respect you, otherwise he wouldn't behave like this towards you. What makes you want to stay with him? Sorry if this seems harsh.

GypsyMoth Wed 11-Nov-09 12:26:35

there is nothing there op that syands out as being worth saving or working on.....sorry

princessdaisyboo Wed 11-Nov-09 12:45:36

ill just add, i feel my friends are sick of me going on about my own problems im always down and i dont really talk to my mum and dad about my problems,
im now a full time mum, i decided not to go back to work for an extra year after havin ds but i think the not working is having a negative effect on me, i do seem to of completely lost myself so maybe i need to go back to work and put ds in nursery, dd goes 3 days a week.

princessdaisyboo Wed 11-Nov-09 13:04:03

dp says he has never in his ife chatted online, and he has not looked at any porn for months, i cant find anything on web history, (i am paranoid so i do check) they are just junk emails, he thought it was funny i was upset about it,

Im not ready to leave him because i love him so much, when its good its perfect and feels so good,but then we have these phases were its all very bleak, i wonder is it all me, my hormones, it does seem to be much worse when im due on?

AnyFucker Wed 11-Nov-09 14:33:42

you left your dh for this man ??

oh dear

now I see no good points in this relationship you are currently in

are you sure you do love him enough to put up with his frankly physical and emotional abuse of you ?

or is it more likely you feel you have made your bed, must lie in it and save face by hanging on in there ?

there is no reason why you cannot admit you made a mistake, finish with him and move on before his abuse of you starts to damage your children (it aready will be, actually)

princessdaisyboo Wed 11-Nov-09 14:44:41

im so scared to be on my own, plus with 2 children with 2 dads no one will ever want me,
im scared that i will finish it and then regret it and that i will realise that all this is my fault and that if i could just relax, chill out and learn to have fun again we would be ok?

i feel ive made so many mistakes lately in my persuit for self happiness that i dont know what i want or who i am anymore.

the whole relationship has gone weird for me, or is it just me thats weird.
dp says he is perfectly happy with the way things are and that its just when we argue that he has doubts about our future
but he would say that, im all over him, id do anything he said, i do everything in the house and with the kids as im not working and he works a lot and very long hours.

Parmageddon Wed 11-Nov-09 14:45:50

Yes, things do always seem worse when you have PMT, but the facts speak for themselves. If he has actually been violent to you, that is enough to say that he is not worth it.

Getting a job would help with your self-esteem and also put you (hopefully) in a better financial position in which to start planning for your own future. Why not give it a go?

I think you are also punishing yourself for what happened with your h. You have to let that go and try to move on. Forgive yourself, we all make mistakes.

Parmageddon Wed 11-Nov-09 14:48:29

There's always hope for finding someone new as well. I found dp who was prepared to 'take on' my severely disabled dd2 from my marriage.

WhiteRoses Wed 11-Nov-09 14:55:00

What about taking a little break?

You say you get upset and then speak to your DP. Why not try speaking honestly to him when you're not upset? His behaviour towards you has been completely unacceptable but you say you do love him and obviously you can't just switch that off... Maybe a break would help you to work out how you really feel?

goodbyesunhellomoon Wed 11-Nov-09 15:04:38

I'm going to second what Parma has said about getting a job for your self esteem.

I'm in exactly the same position as you princess - the good times are good, the bad times are just awful and everything you describe. It happens just all too often. I'm a SAHM too and just feel like a big fat nothing.

One thing I have learned about life though is that always always always - when one door shuts, another one opens. We feel like our lives are going to end and change is really scary and unsettling - but then staying put in this kind of relationship is scary and unsettling too and is never going to get better.

I think you are punishing yourself too about your XH - you need to work on your esteem and get yourself out there smile

Lemonylemon Wed 11-Nov-09 15:21:19

"im so scared to be on my own, plus with 2 children with 2 dads no one will ever want me"

That is a sad thing to say. You shouldn't be thinking along those lines. You should be thinking about your children. I have 2 children by 2 different fathers. I don't consider myself sullied goods....

Get yourself back to some counselling. You need to build up your self-esteem and stop wasting time with the loser you're with now.

princessdaisyboo Wed 11-Nov-09 15:26:44

thankyou, a break has crossed my mind but i have no where to go and what would i do with the children? if i said i wanted a break he would proberly finish it anyway, he is very scared of getting hurt again and i think he would try and finish it before i did,

im just not ready, brave and strong enough to finish this yet i know i would constantly look back thinking i should of tried harder or given it more of a go,
i gave up on my 11 year relationship with my ex too soon ive got to give this more of a chance.

AnyFucker Wed 11-Nov-09 15:33:09

more of a chance for him to abuse you and grind you down even further ?

for your dc to learn that relationships where daddy hits mummy and calls her names are ok ?

btw, my best friend has 2 dc by different fathers

I have never witnessed any discrimination against her, and she has her fair share of male interest...

sayithowitis Wed 11-Nov-09 17:29:07

How on earth can you love someone who treats you like this? Porn is one thing, though, contrary to what you say, not every man with access to a computer looks at it. I would not stop my DH from looking, but he knows that it makes me feel very uncomfortable and therefore he doesn't look. I have never asked him not to, he just respects the way I feel about it.

I don't understand the 'he wants to be a family' comment. Surely you are a family since you live together and have a child together?

And I am sorry, but any man who was in any way violent towards me, whether in front of my child or not, would be on his way out of the door. Because again, it shows a total lack of respect for you.

I really don't see that there is anything here worth trying to save to be honest.

Lulumama Wed 11-Nov-09 17:38:06

he is violent
emotionally abusive
cold and distant
calls you names
says it's your fault he hits you?

you love him so much and would do anything for him, even marry him and do his every bidding.. no wonder he is happy with how things are

he has a lapdog and a punchbag and all his meals cooked

a sign of how low your self esteem is , is that you want to stay with him

what would you advise a friend?

probably to run for the hills

please speak to womens' aid and /or get some help to leave

you cannot stay with him, it will get worse and worse

redpyjamas Wed 11-Nov-09 23:53:54

Goodness - if it were not that the timing doesn't tally, I would suspect that you are my ex's new wife!

His ex left him, you say. Of course, now you know why.

And you need to do the same.

Being single is not so bad. Miles miles better than living the nightmare you are in!

I really feel for you, and I can honestly say I know what it is like.

Please make your plans and leave ( and don't let him persuade you to come back).

SolidGoldBangers Thu 12-Nov-09 00:01:02

WHy on earth do you 'love' this man? He doesn't love you. He hits you, verbally abuses you and isn't interested in you sexually: presumably he just likes having his meals cooked and his washing done and can't be arsed to end the relationship.
Being single is not a failure, or a shameful state: it's MUCH better than living with someone who is horrible to you.
Do a little digging, find out all the facts about what you would be entitled to as a single parent, make your plans and get rid of him. DOn't waste time with couple-counselling, it doesn;t work when one partner is abusive and has convinced the other that she deserves to be mistreated. Then, when you've kicked his arse out, then might be the time to think about some counselling for yourself, to work out why you think that 'love' involves being beaten up, ridiculed and treated like a disobedient dog.

scottishmummy Thu 12-Nov-09 00:23:42

your self esteem is in your boots.
you feel like shite.
you think you are shit.
that is what time with a mentally and physically cruel man has done to you

deep breath.oppression and subjugation are modus operandi of bullies

so what nxt daisy?
can you secrete money plan an escape?
time he is at work can you bolt then?

longer term,reflect upon what drew you to a charismatic bully.
don't repeat same mistakes
don't go straight into a rebound relationship
find out who you are,what makes you tick

princessdaisyboo Thu 12-Nov-09 09:31:53

my god, this does not sound like my relationship you are all talking about, he has never actually hit me, he has been very aggressive by throwing things accross the room, slamming doors, pulling the stair gate off, very in my face and scary, he once pinned me up against the wall, but i had grabbed at him first to try and stop him walking away from me as he always walks away and does not want to talk, im not coverig up for him, i just dont think its as extreme as you may be thinking.

as for my escape plan and executing money, the house is his house, in his name, he pays all bills, we do not have a joint bank account were i could pool money from as this is apperantly what his ex did, we have a tin in the kitchen were money magically appears from for me to do the shopping, and i use the money i have left from my divorce settlement. Even this sounds grim doesnt it
if i said it was over it would be me leaving!!

my self esteem is rock bottom, i cant fully figure out is this all because of him or from my emotional baggage i carry from leaving my ex husband, this is somthing that i analyse a lot i know i need to let go of the past but i constantly compare and i know for love and support ive short changed myself.

thank you for your messages and i know that they will deffinatly make me stronger, to hear other people feel so strongly about my situation is a big boost.

i have lost who i am and im desperatly trying to find the old me again.
sorry for spelling and mis typing, really rushing!

ChunkyKitKat Thu 12-Nov-09 09:45:10

I am just picking on something you said earlier, Princess - you left your dh after 11 years so you are feeling that you should give this one more of a chance.

You've stuck it out for over 2 years.

I think it's worth trying someone else at Relate/Women's Aid to talk this through.

He doesn't want to go to counselling with you, so he won't/can't change by the sound of what you're saying. Do you want to stay with him and put up with the abuse for the occasional good times. Are they really that good if you know that he will revert back to how he was?

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I don't mean to be, it's just that you deserve better than this.

princessdaisyboo Thu 12-Nov-09 11:25:43

i just dont know im so confused, i dont want to believe it i suppose, ive already put my daughter through the break up fom her father , i cant rush into leaving him, what if im wrong and its all me, my head is up my arse basically.

macdoodle Thu 12-Nov-09 11:57:46

Well for a start now you know why his ex "left" him - first warning sign "beware of the man who slags his exes off!!" not that this helps you now!
Second warning sign - "beware of the man that woo's you very aggressively/wants to "win" you at all costs - which is what it sounds like he did if he got you to leave a 11 year marriage with a man who it sounds treated you very well!!

He is abusive/he has form/he has history, and you need to leave!
I actually feel sorry for you which is a big turnaround for me - I am very anti affair (personal history), and you could be my ex's new GF (poor girl), I wouldnt wish him on anyone!

The most telling comment for me "no one will ever want me" - FFS what on earth are you doing worrying about that for - you need to think about your DC, and yourself, get away, and learn to live BY YOURSELF (its really not so terrible), like yourself, and spend time with your DC!

ChunkyKitKat Thu 12-Nov-09 12:56:57

Princess, I've just read your OP again.

You've just said in your last post what if you're wrong, and it's your fault - just hang on to what you said at first, "I know it is utter rubbish why can't he own up to his actions."

Just keep on focusing on this not being your fault. He is responsible for how he behaves towards you. He wants control and power over you.

Again, please find some help with the other issues - no wonder you are confused.

scottishmummy Thu 12-Nov-09 19:13:15

pdb,you sound very conflicted and your posts are contradictory

you said
>he has been very aggressive by throwing things accross the room,
>slamming doors,
pulling the stair gate off,
>very in my face and scary,
>he once pinned me up against the wall.

those are not the actions of a moderate,controlled man.they are physical and extreme

but this is your lived have to make your own decisions one else can do that for

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