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Scared and need some advice

(14 Posts)
DSM Tue 10-Nov-09 15:45:20

I don't even know what I need advice on, I just need to talk to someone and can't in real life. I don't want people to know how I feel.

I have been with my boyfriend for around 8 months. He is wonderful, kind, chivalrous, thoughtful, well brought up, well educated, still currently doing his masters but is really talented in his field and I have no doubt that with a bit of luck he will do very well. He works almost full time, on not much over minimum wage. I work full time, and very hard but I don't earn a great deal. At the moment we are not at all well off, though he finishes his masters in September so he'll go into proper work and hopefully things will be better. He also loves me very much, as I do him.

I have a 5 year old DS, they get on well. DS has an amazing father who has him 3 days a week.

We are planning to move in together shortly after christmas. I have been wanting to move for a while anyway, as I have been living with my parents since my split from DS father 3 years ago. It has not been easy, I feel that I lost a lot of my independence as an adult and as a mother.

He is really nice, he is funny and kind and we get on so well. I have a tendency to get irrationally upset over stupid things, not getting enough attention and jealousy are the main ones, and he treats both with such kindness and really makes an effort to ensure I am happy.

So why do I feel apprehensive? I don't know if it is just the thought that this is it, I am obviously scared of commitment, a trait I found out when I was in a settled relationship with DS father. I became depressed and left him, though he was also a perfect man. However, when single I sctively seek out commitment, and with DB at the moment, if anything I have been desperately hoping for commitment, and I have got it. And now that I have it, I feel strange.

I don't know what kind of advice I expect, I don't even know how I feel. I love him, I miss him when he is not around, I do want to move in together, but I am scared. Scared that we will become bored of one another, scared that I will get bored and hurt him, and my son as I am moving him from a loving home that he has had for the past 4 years. Scared that I won't be a good mother without the parental support that I am so used to. I feel pathetic, I am a grown woman and I feel like a child.

I think about us getting married, and sometimes it makes me so happy and excited, and other times it makes me feel scared and I feel like I just want to get out. I would feel like a child dressing up if I were to wear a bridal gown. I feel so young in my head that I feel like all this is too grown up for me. Moving in together, it is like starting an adult life and I don't feel ready. Is this it? Will we be together forever? We have those conversations and we both say we want that, but I am too scared to settle down like this.

I don't know why I feel this way.

DSM Tue 10-Nov-09 16:04:28

Sorry I realise that this might not be easy to answer, it's more of a rant that a question really.

I just want to know if anyone else has ever felt this way, if it is normal or if there is something wrong with me..

DSM Tue 10-Nov-09 16:41:22


GypsyMoth Tue 10-Nov-09 16:45:28

I can kind of understand. I choose not to live with my partner, or to marry him. Can't quite put my finger on why I feel this way though.

Louby3000 Tue 10-Nov-09 16:50:49

Have you spoken to your DB about these fears and anxieties?
Could you talk to a pro about it, sounds like there are some "isshoos" there with you and how to make this next step in your life. It all sounds wonderful, him, your DS, your ex. You know lots of people say daft things like its "too good to be true" but that it shite. You deserve to have happiness in your life, so whats to be scared of?

DSM Tue 10-Nov-09 17:11:51

I don't know what I am scared of.

I know it is all a bit 'too good to be true' but I am not scared of that. If anything, if he did somehow change and mess things up, at least for once it wouldn't be my fault. Plus I would rather take the risk (and I am pretty certain there isn't a risk - I know his family pretty well and they are lovely, lovely people, and I am certain he has nothing to 'hide'.

I couldn't talk to a professional, just couldn't. Not face to face, just something I could never do, actually taking the steps to go and seek help. There have been ocassions in my past where I really should have, and I can't do it.

Not sure what to say to DB about it. I have told him I am a bit scared, but he just keeps reassuring me that we will be fine and we will manage and such. I think he thinks most of my anxieties are financially related, which of course some are, as are many people's I should think. But there is just something in me that doesn't feel 100% 'right'. But it's not him, it's really not. I can't imagine meeting anyone better.
I am worried that telling him how I feel will upset him too much. If he told me he felt like this about me, I think I would be forever wondering if he was entirely happy, and I can't do that to our relationship.

Maybe thats the problem Louby - I am not sure that I do deserve happiness..

Tiffany - why do you feel like that? Is it because you want to make sure you have your 'options open', not committed enough that if something better came along you could take it without too much hassle? I just worry that this might subconsciously be what I am doing..

DSM Tue 10-Nov-09 18:31:08

bumping again, in desperation... sad

poshsinglemum Tue 10-Nov-09 19:27:19

I think you don't feel that you deserve happiness and you need to find out why so you can change it. It may take therapy. I have the same problem. Somehow I picked up a message that I don't deserve it.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 10-Nov-09 19:36:10

I felt like this about DH but it worked out fine. Leap feet first - it can either work or not, but not leaping means it will never work!

DSM Tue 10-Nov-09 19:54:24

I don't know why I feel like that. I honestly, can't go to therapy or anything like that, I just couldn't. Is why I am here, to talk anonymously. I could absolutely not do it face to face.

kat - what happened? Were you just unsure but went ahead anyway? How do you feel now?

I honestly, truly love him. But there is something inside me that feels strange. Maybe I don't want to hurt him? Maybe I am scared that he will hurt me? I don't think I am good enough. He seems to think I am amazing, and beautiful but I don't feel it.

I don't know what I am looking for here.. I am sorry.

DSM Tue 10-Nov-09 20:42:40


MaxineA Tue 10-Nov-09 21:15:48

I've started and erased this message several times so now I'm just going to go for it and hope it comes out how I mean it to!!

It does sound as if you have difficulty in believing that you are loveable or deserve happiness but it feels like there's more than that there too. Are you perhaps a little bit of a perfectionist who sets very high standards for yourself and is possibly more forgiving of others? And, of course, you will be worried that if things go wrong your child will be impacted as a result. I think all this is quite normal and you're incredibly brave for admitting how you feel.

Now, obviously, I don't know you but it does sound as if you really have little to lose by giving this a go. If it goes wrong, so what? Things go wrong all the time. If it works then how fantastic is that?

I still keep writing and deleting bits. I'm worried that I will say the wrong thing. I've missed some really great things in my life because I wasn't sure about things - much in the same way that you describe. I'm not filled with regrets or anything as I have a perfectly ok life but I am lonely and I still find it hard to make a commitment. If you don't try you'll never know...

I hope you make a decision that makes you happy.

MaxineA Tue 10-Nov-09 21:19:31

I've just re-read that and it sounds a bit cold - that wasn't how it was meant to sound.

I think if you have the courage to take the next step in this relationship, you may find that your whole world turns around for the better. If it doesn't then you can take this as it comes.

I was really moved to read your posts (perhaps they were a bit close to home for me) and I truly hope you find the answer that works for you.

DSM Tue 10-Nov-09 21:45:33

Maxine - thank you so much. Your post reduced me to tears, I think it was really what I needed to hear.

You are right. Your description of me was something I hadn't realised but it spot on. I am a perfectionist, I always think there is something I can do better, a situation could always be better. But I am potentially throwing something perfect away for nothing.

Thank you, and by the way your post doesn't sound cold, it was really nice. Honest, but thats what I was looking for. I do feel a lot better after reading that. I guess you are right, whats the worst that can happen? If it doesn't work out then I will have to deal with that, but it is worth the risk in the hope that it does.

I can't tell you how much better I feel. Really, thank you.


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