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How do we find a way forward

(7 Posts)
mumto3boys Tue 10-Nov-09 14:44:22

I will try to be brief.

Met DH 10 years ago. I have one child from a previous realtionship, now 12. He was in the forces when we met. He was not immediately the romantic and was at times a complete arse, would phone me at 2am drunk to tell me i was a bitch, that he hated me blah blah blah. I only saw him every fortnight and couldn't really be bothered with it, but he was the one that kept it going, always coming every 2 weeks even tho that meant not going home etc.

Anyway he did mature (both 21 when we met) and we moved in together after 2 years. Shortly after he left the forces. We are very different, I am emotional, need to be loved and looked after. He openly admits he shows no emotion and I think he finds it hard to admit to himself he feels emotion. A lot of this relates to his childhood.

After a year or so things just got terrible. I supsected he was having an affair. To thi day he insists he didn't. Our relationship was terrible, he treated me like crap, not physical but emotional and derogitory. I decided I couldn't do it anymore and told him i wanted to split. So the next morning he went straigh to the estate agent to get the house valued and to the bank to sort out the accounts! This was the first thing he did, very matter of fact.

That night he broke down and begged me to try again. He had written me a very honest letter, saying how much i meant to him, and how much he loved ds, that he knew how awful he'd been etc.

Strangley we got back together without me actually agreeing, he sort of assumed. I was miserable for a while. I changed my job and put effort into the relationship and after a while it was brilliant.

We decided to have a baby. This turned out to be twins. He was very involved in the pregnancy. Our boys were born prem and altho he was physically very involved, he showed no emotion and was not emotionally supportive.

DS 2 & 3 have severe asthma. DS 2 had a full cardiac and respiratory arrest in front of me 2 years ago. Thankfully he survived but I have never recovered from that and live life on a knife edge. He will not discuss what happened and I find this hard.

Recently things have got very bad between us again. I am a SAHM and have got quite low recently. All children are now at school, but finding a job that fits in with us is near impossible so my life is at home.

He works very hard, long hours and is often tired and grumpy. He is not at all romantic. I have never had a surprise, not even him arranging to take me out to dinner. Not once in 10 years. I don't feel that I am special to him.

He constantly tells he i am over dramatic about things, usually things that mena a lot to me or upset me.

He says the problem is not enough sex and I watch too much tv. The youngest 2 go to bed at 7, he wants to be in bed by half 9 at the latest as he is tired. I watch probably 1 or 2 programmes a night. I need to feel loved and valued to want to sleep with him. We probably have sex once or twice a week which I don't think abnormal.

I have tried to be more accomodating and I have told him I would like flowers or a surprise or some romance once in a while. I have had nothing. sad

He did have depression a couple of years ago. I would guess he was on the verge of a breakdown. I supported him, took him to the doctors and helped him through it. I never get the same back. He buries his head in the sand and it can be so hurtful when I need support.

I try and talk to him but it ends in a row, both blaming eachother.

As I said I am vey low at the mo anyway. I don't have a supportive family and I feel I need him and he's not there for me, emotionally.

Yesterday we had another row over something stupid but also serious at the same time. We had some old friends round. I had been havign a laugh with them when DH got home from work. We have invited them round to dinner. I usually cook but DH enjoys it so I said 'you can cook'. Was havign a chat and he said that my idea of cooking was fish fingers and chips. Total rubbish, I do homecooked meals most nights. Once a week we might have freezer food. Partly for ease, but mostly because he moans that I need to do some cheap meals to help the budget. I strated to defend myself, but not wanting to row in front of our friends. The we were talking about pets. We all want a dog, DH refuses to get any type of pet and its a contentious issue as I don't see why he gets the final say.

In front of our friends he said 'well you'll get bored of it and I'll end up walking it' shock like I am some kind of child that can't be trusted. I was shocked and enbarrassed and even our feinds were saying that we have to come to a compromise.

When they had gone I was furious and upset. He said the cooking thing wasn't meant like that but continued to say that the novelty of a dog would wear off for me.

DS1 goes to be only shoprtly before us so I tried to discuss it when we went to bed. I know he hates this but there was not other time. After a couple of minutes he stormed off, swearign at me and went to the sofa. After a couple of mins I went down, because he will never confront problems and will rather shout and swear so I try to quiten him in case the children hear. Then I will get ignored until I try to patch it up. Which is exactly what has happended.

He went off to work this morning, I said bye, he didn't answer. I text him twice and he ignored, so I rang at lunch time. He said he would call me back and didn't. So I text and lo and behold he will be working late.

I just can't deal with this anymore. We need to talk without arguing but it just never happens. I want be feel loved but I don't. I just don't know where we go from here. How do we get past this? sad

I often wish I had ended this before it began. He never treated me like the love of his life. I was treated violently and raped by my ex. He once told me he didn't believe me, and now if it causes problems he says I can't live in the past. Sometimes I just need a hug. I don't want to split our family, but I want to feel that I am important to him, not ike a child who can't be trusted with the money, or the food. If I am on the computer I have to justify myself. He thinks every hour of the day should be productive.

I am miserable

mumto3boys Tue 10-Nov-09 14:44:45

Sorry, wasn't brief at all

lizzy6 Tue 10-Nov-09 22:16:22

Hmmm thinking about what to suggest.

If you're miserable and not sure what to do would any counselling help? May give you the opportunity to talk it out and come to some conclusions about how best to move forward?

poshsinglemum Tue 10-Nov-09 22:37:24

Oh dear this sounds awful tbh. he sounds very abusive. He's split up the family-not you.
Don't you want to be free to find the love of your life?

SandyChick Wed 11-Nov-09 00:17:20

I hope this doesn't come out the wrong way but why don't you try doing the little things you mentioned he complains about like not putting TV on once kids are in bed if he thinks you watch too much TV. Instead, sit down together and spend some quality time without mentioning the stuff that usually causes aguments.

Maybe if you show that your acting on the things that he shows he needs maybe it will encourage him to return the favour and want to do all those things you want him to do.

You initiate the romance and maybe he will follow? Try showing him what you want instead of telling him?


AllarmBells Wed 11-Nov-09 06:08:58

Sounds like you need time to talk, and a good time would be once the kids are in bed. Once the TV goes on, if you are anything like us, it stays on all night. It might be best if you don't put it on at all (at least for a few nights while you try and get him to talk).

I know what it's like to just want to think about something else, and TV is really good for that, but sounds like the evening is the only time you have to talk and get close. Then if he manages to open up he might end up saying nice things, and you might feel better.

If he really won't open up, ask him if he will try counselling. Really push him to do it. Not talking doesn't seem to be working for either of you.

Good luck.

mumto3boys Wed 11-Nov-09 12:39:56

Sorry I should have said, I have tried not putting the tv on, and guess what? He puts it on! Or goes on the pc.

One of the problems is, things will come to a head and he will explode and say what is winding him up. For ages it was the tv. So I thought I would do soemthing about it. Then, as I said, it would be him putting the tv on. He got more sex, even on days I didn't really feel like it and would rather go to sleep. And what happened was, the problem was then something else. So now i've been putting the tv on again, that is again the problem.

We are goign on our first foreign holiday next year and need to book the flights. I made some enquiries a few months ago, and whn I told him he said it was too early. Then for the last week he has been looking them up every evening, the same ones over and over. I said just book them. But now that is a problem as apparently i'm here all day and am not 'researching' the flights!

I spoke to him on the phone yesterday and he agreed to talk when he got in. I told him (on the phone) that we either sort it or we split. His answer was well you do what you like and i'll do what I want. Hardly a happy relationship. He agreed to talk when he got home.

So he got home, earlier than expected. DS1 went to bed, he had a shower, we went upstairs and he said no we haven't got time to talk as I have to be up early.

He text me at about 11am today to see how my day was and to say he loves me, which is a bit of a miracle TBH. Usually it's can you check the bank account or pick me up from the station. He also said he will be home early, and DS1 will be out so am hoping we can make a start on talking.

poshsinglemum can I ask why you say he sounds very abusive? I'm not saying he's exactly a knight in shining armour though. Yes I would like to be free to find the love of my life, but it's not just my life. DS1 has been through the mill with his twat of a father, the one who raped me, obviously DS1 doesn't know this and i'm not sure I could watch my children go through this.

If we can't sort this, I will have to leave and we will have to deal with it. I am going to suggest counselling but I doubt he will go, or if he does, he won't open up. If he does, he will be point scoring trying to show it's all my fault and I am to blame.

I am almost past caring, which I don't think helps but am going through a time at the moment where I need him to be there for me, and he isn't. My self esteem and confidence is going through the floor and he is not helping.

Thank you for the advice, I do appreciate it and will update later or tomorrow.

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