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36 weeks pregnant, husband being difficult

(9 Posts)
onionlove Tue 10-Nov-09 13:32:29

Hi everyone,
If anyone has advice for me I would appreciate it as I am at the end of my tether.
My DH is a lovely man, there is no bad in him but he is not what I would call taking part in our relationship or my pregnancy at the moment.
He has been suffering from depression and is getting some counselling for this, he has also stopped drinking as when he does he doesn't know when to stop.
He is so distant and private and doesn't talk to me, I feel like I have to persuade and humour him and it is like getting blood out of a stone all the time. I asked him to pack my hospital bag to give him something to do and he hasn't done it. There is always something wrong, whether it be work pressure, stuff to do with my step daughter and his ex or his parents or even that he has a cold. I feel second place at the moment when I was hoping for some love and support.
He is ultra sensitive and I feel like I'm walking on egg shells at home all the time which makes me really unhappy.
I got our phone bill the other day and there were calls to his ex on there, always when I am out of the house, I know he has to speak to her but why doesn't he mention these things to me. He moved into the spare room for a few days as I was snoring and he said he couldn't sleep and whilst he has been there and on nights I have been out of the house with my mates he has been looking at porn on his internet phone. This wouldn't really bother me if he had shown any interest in s*x with me over the last few months but he hasn't. I feel really insulted, unattractive and fed up and don't really see the point in staying in the relationship with someone who is not interested.
I have suffered depression in the past and I know it is difficult but I feel like he is shutting me out and this will destroy our relationship. I know its not good to make decisions at this stage in pregnancy but I am wondering how I am going to have him in the room and give birth when he is so distant. I want someone there who can support and show me love and I don't think I am going to get that from him at the moment.
Please help.

stickylittlefingers Tue 10-Nov-09 14:03:57

I'm not exactly sure what you do (apart from the obvious trying to talk) but didn't want this to go unanswered.

Some men do find it difficult to cope with their partner's pregnancy - is the step-daughter his? That is, has he done this before?

Are some times better than others - does he ever have more interested moments? Has he gone to any pre-natal things with you (my dp didn't, after the first couple - some men are not good with that type of thing, tho dp was great with the girls once they were born).

Are your friends/family being supportive and caring?

onionlove Tue 10-Nov-09 14:13:11

Hi Sticky,

Thanks for the reply, I've tried talking to him pretty much until I'm blue in the face but he just clams up or it turns into an argument so I have stopped trying. The step daughter is his, he ex partner had already had two kids so I don't think she involved him much, their relationship was never great and the little one wasn't planned, he is a good Dad though.

We do have some nice times but basically it is when I bite my lip and put up with the silence and moodiness, I just think the atmosphere in the house is awful at the moment and its really gettin me down. He did go to the birthing workshop with me that took place at my yoga group. He just doesn't seem excited about the baby at all, its always me that brings up the subject and talks about it.

I am very lucky that i have lots of wonderful friends and my family have been great, I just had such high hopes for this wonderful time we would share together and I feel lonely and sad instead.

I know I probably have rose tinted glasses about the whole thing but I'm just not happy and feel I'm in a loveless marriage where whatever happens will depend on him.

cestlavielife Tue 10-Nov-09 14:14:43

maybe he is in denial about having a baby with you?

i never asked my exP to pack my hospital bag (3 dcs) but then i was always the organising one. he wouldnt have had a clue - but if it is something he usually does (eg does he pack bags for holidays?) then it would be reasonable request... otherwise ask him to get specifics eg newborn nappies....

i would arrange for someone else to be there with you for the birth if you dont think he will be up to it - a close friend, relative? you will need all the support you can get..

only he can decide to work on his depression or not...

but all that moaning can drag you down - my exP was a great moaner ....

surround yourself with (other) people who are positive so you can get this baby born in joy and love - then face up to the future and your relationship...

you feel "I feel really insulted, unattractive and fed up " - he doesnt sound "lovely" to me.... but it very stressful time.

seek support from others, set your boundaries with him as to what you expect from him. can you go to a counselling session with him together? before baby is born?

BecauseImWorthIt Tue 10-Nov-09 14:14:58

He does sound very depressed - although that's no excuse for treating you like this.

Is he taking any medication for his depression? Perhaps the counselling is not enough?

abedelia Tue 10-Nov-09 14:38:35

Lack of interest in you, lack of communication, looking at porn and particularly the contacting his ex when you are specifically not around are ringing alarm bells with me, I'm afraid. Pregnancy is a key time for some sort of crisis and this needs to be confronted very quickly as when you have a newborn you will not have the energy adn will be vulnerable to PND. Ask him what is going on - tough if he does not like to talk. If confronting him verbally leads to an argument, write it down and send it to him. Either way you need to know.

onionlove Tue 10-Nov-09 14:50:37

Thanks for your responses. The reason for asking him to do the bag is that he said he would like to do it, I've put the list in the nursery and everything is in there ready to pack into a bag but he just hasn't bothered even though he knew I wanted it done this weekend.
Hopefully my sister will be able to make it to the birth as well, I already asked her ages ago before all this started as she has aleady wanted to (she has had 4 of her own!)
The moaning and seriousness is dragging me down, I feel like I'm dealing with the unpredictability of a teenage relationship and I'm nearly 40! I know I am probably being over sensitive too but I just wish he wanted to do more without me having to nag him into it, he says he loves me but doesn't really show it.
He is not taking medication, the doctor recommended counselling for now and then will see him after he has had 6 sessions to see how he feels then.
I'm not worried that there is anything going on with his ex, she has just got married, its just that he always waits until I have gone out before contacting her. He is shutting me out and he know how much that hurts me. The thing with the porn really hurts as I have told him lots of times I would like to have s*x and I'm getting a bit frustrated and he just makes excuses. I feel so far away from where we should be at the moment. He has sent me an email today which says 'I detect frostiness' - I don't want to discuss this over an email but I feel I will have to say something abedelia as you are right I do not want to be dealing with all this and a new baby which I want to focus on without all the worry.

stickylittlefingers Tue 10-Nov-09 16:30:06

I really do sympathise. I don't know if it rings alarm bells exactly - the contacting his ex when you're out could just be because he wants to keep it private/not upset you - as you know it's not a thing you need to be jealous about I wouldn't worry too much - just annoying.

Re the porn/no sex - well, he might just have ishoos with having sex with a pregnant woman. Lots of men worry so much about hurting the baby they lose the will.

I suppose what i'm saying is that while his behaviour is hurtful and should improve, I don't think it's apocalyptically bad. Other people often don't know the "script" in such situations - it might be obvious to you and me (and all of mumsnet grin) that he should be excited and should be supporting you at this time, but perhaps he doesn't know or feels too pressured by it?

I'm glad you have nice sensible family and friends tho! Are you alright more generally with the pregnancy and everything. I am excited for you anyway!!

deste Tue 10-Nov-09 17:16:24

My friend was in the same boat, husband no interest in the baby. He wouldn't speak about it until the day they had a baby shower (different culture). The baby arrived two weeks ago and he is a different man, kissing it and cuddling it, he wont leave the baby alone for two minutes so I'm sure everything will work out. By the way I would have answered the email as he obviously felt more comfortable contacting you that way and was ready to discuss it. You avoid losing your temper in an email.

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