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He's being so nice

(13 Posts)
notaloud Tue 10-Nov-09 13:26:59

Please see other thread about EA relationship.

I had got to a stage where I have finally told him its over last week.

He has been so reasonable, and thoughtful and generally lovely.

Is seeing a Dr so can be referred for counselling, finding out about courses, booked a Relate session for Weds for us.

Even saying that its my choice and he respects that, and however I want to play it he will be there for me.

I feel so horrible for still feeling its over. Can only think about the times when our relationship has been so bad, and can't imagine things changing.

He did this last year after we split up for a week or so, and nothing changed really.

How do I deal with this?

AnyFucker Tue 10-Nov-09 14:25:36

I remember your other thread, and now I will post just about what I did on that one...

yes, nothing changed last time

I expect he was "nice" for a while then too, and poof back came the old DH when he couldn't keep up the pretence any longer

you don't really want him as he is, you want the idealised (unrealistic) version of him

that won't happen

do you feel sorry for him ? want to "fix" him ?

because that is the only reason I can see as to why you are hesitating (again)

you have come so far, do you want to go back to how it was before ?

TimeForMe Tue 10-Nov-09 14:39:04

You stay focussed. You quite possibly (or most probably) being manipulated. You go ahead with the separation and you see how you feel when you have had time apart from him and have been free of abuse for a good length of time. Right now you are in a vulnerable state so please don't let your emotions get the better of you, you deserve to be happy and to be treated with love and respect all of the time, not just one week out of fifty two when you have ended the relationship. Stay strong! smile

NicknameTaken Tue 10-Nov-09 14:40:26

I actually think that the hardest thing about an abusive relationship are the nice bits. When things are bad, it's clearer that you can't stay. When he's being nice, oh, the longing for it to be always like this! The guilt when you think about going! Even though you know it won't last, the temptation is there to stay just till it gets bad again.

You know you've got to go, notaloud. Nothing has happened to reform your old dynamic. This kind of thing will keep you hanging on for years, if you let it.

Jamieandhismagictorch Tue 10-Nov-09 14:42:23

Don't know your other thread, but AnyFucker generally speaks sense on these sort of things.

Just read your post back to yourself and that says it all really. Good luck. It must be very hard.

AnyFucker Tue 10-Nov-09 15:59:31

oo, ta jamie smile

cestlavielife Tue 10-Nov-09 16:05:16

well take him at his word - tell him you are glad he wants an amicable split. good that he respects your decision.

my guess tho is he is trying to manipulate and as soon as you carry on proceeding with separation he will show his true colours again.

do not be fooled.

but sit down while going is good to discuss practical financial issues who will live where etc.

you do nto want this man in your life - but if he is really repapred to respect youa dn sit down and discuss the practicalities of separation then great!! but i suspect it wont last....

AnyFucker Tue 10-Nov-09 16:08:10

yes, once he sees you are prepared to follow through with your actions (unlike him...) then be prepared for the abuse and mind-fucking to re-appear again

although I believe the niceness is a headfuck in itself

what do you want really notaloud ?

macdoodle Tue 10-Nov-09 16:16:27

its called traumatic bonding and its why w find it hard to leave the fuckers, and why we think it must be out fault for so long!
have you read Lundy bancrofts book - is my bible grin
wpuld echo the above tell him you want to go ahead with the seperation and if he can prove that he will carry on like this for say a year while you are apart you will consider taking him back!
I did this with my XH, my sister was terrified he would keep it up, of course he didnt/couldnt and in fact once I finally stuck to my guns and filed for divorce, the real him re appeared and stayed

notaloud Wed 11-Nov-09 11:48:15

I don't know what to think. It is hard when he is being so convincing.

I can imgaine a situation where if I stayed, then things could go wrong again quite quickly. Somehow the balance would be all wrong. He would be trying to be a different person, he would probably over compensate for problems and take a lot of the blame, then he might quickly get fed up of that and the old resentments, name calling, quiet treatment, etc, would come back.

We have Relate tonight on the phone. I think I might need to write down my thoughts as he so usually dominates the conversation and is persuasive, and eloquent. I need some short points so I can get my message across.

I am feeling enormous guilt and want to do this the right way. I don't want to just run off with the kids.

I have ordered How to Have a Health Divorce so I can go about things the best way possible for both our sakes.
I have got a copy of Lundy Bancroft at my mum's house (I was hoping she would read it as it applies to her marriage too). I might need to go back and read the relevant chapter.

Thanks for your points in this message I need to re-read them now and make my list of stuff for tonight.

My Dh did this 8 months ago. I finally asked him to leave and he became so supportive and lovely. Promised me he'd change. Did everything he could for me. Said he understood why I had to do it and was so sorry.

I stuck to my guns, he moved out.

Within a week he was vile. Horrible, took back everything he had said. Blamed me for everything. Scared me etc etc.

It was an act.

His EA was due to mental illness (no excuse and no longer tolerated), and he is improving, with a lot of sustained work by him.

If he stays he might revert. If he goes he might stay nice. In only one of these situations are you hurt.

You have nothing to lose if he goes.

And Relate (much as I love it) is useless with EAs. My DH completely twisted it, and even with him getting better I will not consider Relate until he is 100% well.

I know my situation is different.

I hope you're ok.

notaloud Wed 11-Nov-09 12:25:29

YouKnowNothing... thanks is useful to know about relate and EAs. I think he is being very honest with them so hopefully won't twist things too much.

At the moment I can't see him getting too bad again after we have split. He is really very sorry for what he has done, he is trying to change and I honestly believe he is. But it is almost irrelevant whether or not he succeeds.

If he does change then that is great - for our kids, for an easier separation, and for his next partner.

I'm glad that he is not manipulating Relate.

You know you have nothing to feel guilty about? You sound like you've got a great attitude towards all of this. If he changes it is for him and not to win you back.

This next bit is going to be difficult, but then it will get easier. It really will.

Not being able to get past all the things he has done is normal. He betrayed your trust in him. The fact that he is sorry is great. It will help you both be good parents to your dcs, but it doesn't mean you can rebulid the trust. Only you can know that.

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