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My mother is a poisonous old bat...(long sorry)

(11 Posts)
DippyDino Tue 10-Nov-09 10:20:16

Have had huge issues with my mum but in brief:

She got pg by accident, never wanted me, made it abundantly clear I was lucky she hadn't had me adopted and that she would have aborted had she thought of it earlyt enough.

Her bitterness has soured her and me I think. As a baby she was rough with everything, feeding, changing etc (and yes i know its odd but I can remember!)

She never got me to brush my teeth EVER (she has dentures) until all my teeth were rotten and I had to have them all removed apart from 4 at the front when I was around 6. The pain from those rotting teeth was awful - I just dont understand her.

She met my stepdad when I was 10 and he moved in 2 weeks later. I was thrilled to have a dad but it all went sour as he was an alcoholic, life with him was terrifying and he behaved innapropriately with me (kissed me in THAT way and made comments about my body etc)

Luckily at 15 I met a family who basically let me live with them as much as I needed to and I left home for good at 16. I was clinically depressed by this time and no fucking wonder.

Things bumbled along with the depression and stuff until I had a miscarriage at the age of 19, this sent me over the edge and I took every drug I could lay my hands on, within a year I was hooked on heroin and it took me 5 years to sort myself out.

When I was homeless and desparate mum took me in, i was grateful and thought that finally we would have a close loving relationship but when I moved out 6 months later, things went back to how they were - it's like she forgets I exist, never contacts me, jsut isn't bothered and never has been.

I haven't seen her for around 4 years. When I got pg with my dd I realised that I couldnt trust her or my step dad (she is aware of everything that happened and she is still with him) with my dd so i told her that i wanted nothing more to do with her.

She sent me a horrible letter back ( I was 3 months gone at the time - yeah thanks!) and that made me realise that I had done the right thing.

If I was her and I truly believed that my daughter was full of shit and pg, I would say i'm sorry you feel that way dearest, i did what i thought was best darling i didn't mean to hurt you blah blah and basically i'd do anything to stay in her life. She has done nothing. I'd be hammering on the door (in the nicest way) so I could be there for my daughter and grand daughter.

She is a bristish citizen but had me abroad and brought me over on a 6 month visa and then never bothered to register me. So at 32 years old I find that I am not a british citizen and as such I have no right to work in this country! Applying for citizen ship involves getting some documents from her, as it is as her daughter that I am claiming my citizenship, ifykwim. I sent her a quite formal letter asking her for details and explaining why, she has emailed me saying she doesnt see why she should help me?!!! But out of the goodness of her heart she has decided to. I suspect that she wont provide everything I need and I will be left explaining to the home office why my mother is a loon.

For fuck's sake. Well I'm glad I got that out.

I have been having counselling until very recently, think I might have to go back for a few sessions now!

puffling Tue 10-Nov-09 10:30:10

I was so sad to read your story. Yous ound sensible and able to reflect on your past and your self. You clearly haven't inherited the 'loon' gene.
I do hope you are able to sort out the citizenship issue and very best wishesxx

iliketurquoise Tue 10-Nov-09 10:39:46

it is a very sad story but think of it that way; you werent lucky to have a good mum and put her in the past.
in all of these negativities you grew up to be a sensible person, and im sure you will be a very good mum.
try to focus on yourself and your future with your new baby.
i think there are some threads about people who had bad childhood, reading them may help you.
best wishes

DippyDino Tue 10-Nov-09 12:39:47

thanks guys.

I am quite unconventional, I have short pink and blue hair and a diamond stud in my nose (more tasteful than it sounds) but yes I think sensible is me...

As soons as my citizenship is sorted I'm going to put it behind me for good. No amount of emotional blackmail is going to sucker me in!

ElenorRigby Tue 10-Nov-09 12:49:53

I was just going to say get what you need from her (do what you have to, be nice, eat humble pie or whatever) then fuck her off put it behind you.
I wouldnt bother involving her with your baby. There's no I would let some one that toxic near my daughter!
Fwiw I find her treatment of you particularly disgusting because my daughter was unplanned and I took the polar opposite view to your mother. To me DD did not ask to be born, I am responsible for that and I take that responsibility on totally. There is no one or nothing more important than my daughter.
Can't for life of understand how people can be so selfish and nasty as your mother! angry

Anyway best of luck for the future with your baby!

abedelia Tue 10-Nov-09 14:45:55

Poisonous old bat? FFS I think you are about the most generous person I have seen on here, describing her as that! Nowadays she would certainly be described as abusive, what with the teeth stuff and so forth. Likewise, there is no way I would let my daughter near her - what can she possibly have to offer her? Well done and good luck - you have been through hell at her hands.

DippyDino Tue 10-Nov-09 20:24:05

I did feel a bit guilty after posting 'poisonous old bat.' Took me around 10 hours of counselling to say she was 'not a very nice person.' So poisonous old bat is big progress! Yay me!

poshsinglemum Tue 10-Nov-09 23:15:45

That's truly awful op.

You are here for a reason. You were meant to be born and don't let your mum make you feel otherwise.

She sounds disgusting and very messed up. I think she did want you because she kept you but was for some reason very resentful. I don't really know what to make you feel better about such appauling treatment op. I thought my mum was bad.

duke748 Wed 11-Nov-09 00:33:13

It sounds like she has let you down badly. However, I would say that your OP sounds very angry and full of hate.

These emotions aren't healthy for you and aren't nice lessons to pass on to your DD. Please do all you can to work through and let go of this anger to help YOU and your DD.

I know part of the reason for your post was to vent, but please do try to accept her as the less than perfect mother she was and expect nothing from her in the future. Then you can concentrate on building a new life with your DD.

Good luck!

skihorse Wed 11-Nov-09 08:48:04

Well done for surviving - you brought yourself up with the best skills you could. What I mean is, you raised yourself with the eyes of a child.

My psychologist told me that my mother will never admit she's done wrong because then she will have to accept that she is a child abuser - that's a pretty big pill to swallow.

FWIW - I think if you want to call her a poisonous old bat go for it. Putting the past behind you does not automatically mean you need to excuse her behaviour or say she's "misunderstood". She took your childhood and, rather bizarrely, your citizenship - a flippant name is hardly battery!

mickeyc Thu 12-Nov-09 12:53:32

Hi DippyDino

I went in to counselling after my DS was born: I thought it was because I had split from my DH. We spent the whole time exploring my relationship with my mum. My counsellor told me that she cried after 1 of the sessions because I hadn't been "allowed" to be a child.

The 1 thing she said that initally surprised me was that my parents were goodparents. Just as I was thinking "Have you been listening to me?" She explained that my mum had shown me how NOT to parent.That was SO true: because I didn't have any experience of good parenting to copy I have been setting up new family traditions.

Your dd is missing nothing by not having toxic grandparents in her life.

Good luck with getting your citizenship sorted: personally I would rather explain to the Home Office about your loon mum than go through the hassle of contact with her and giving her the sense of control which you rightly suspect she will use.

Sadly some people don't have the parenting gene. You do, and good luck with your continued recovery.


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