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HELP,My huband and my male bestfriend dont like each other:(

(12 Posts)
candygirlygirl Tue 10-Nov-09 09:05:00

The reason behind this is a couple of years ago my bestfriend told me he has a feeling for me, stupid me told my husband everything, i say this because my bestfriend seems to have completely got over me and is married now, so there was no need to tell my DH, all it did is create problem.

I love my husband very much but he is not the kind of guy who you could talk to for hours, where as my bestfriend is.I feel no attraction towards him so i know for fact nothing will ever happen.

Recently i gave birth, and my bestfriend has been more of a support throughout my pregnancy than my DH , he has been always at the end of the phone.

The dilemma is he is coming to the city i am at, over the weekend, there was times he has asked me to meet before where i said no, but this time he didnt but i strongly feel to meet him so he can meet my son, and it would be good to see a familier face, as i have been very down lately.

My question is if i tell my husband he will flatly say no,due to the fact that he is stuborn, or am i asking for trouble.
Would appreciate any help.

plantsitter Tue 10-Nov-09 09:08:41

Can't you suggest you both go? I don't really blame your husband for feeling threatened by this man.

LaurieScaryCake Tue 10-Nov-09 09:09:24

you can't force your dh to meet him.

just go on your own, meet in a cafe and have a lovely time smile

if dh sulks just ignore him.

ilovepiccolina Tue 10-Nov-09 09:11:02

Of course you should see your BF, & introduce him to your ds! Would he bring his wife? In any case, you are all adults, tell your DH that you are seeing him & when he objects, tell him that all that is in the past, he (DH) is the only one for you, etc etc.

This kind of jealousy only stores up trouble - your DH must learn to put this behind him.

thehairybabysmum Tue 10-Nov-09 09:26:24

How would you feel if your DH spent hours chatting on the phone to a woman because he couldn't talk to you, or if he then met up with said woman despite you saying you are not comfortable with it??

I think you need to decide where your priorities lie...with your DH or with some bloke who you know fancies you? A great ego boost but you need to sort out why you cant talk wiht your DH if that is the issue.

hattee Tue 10-Nov-09 09:29:58

I think you should definitely meet your best friend... it sounds like he has been wonderful to you. You are lucky to have such a good friend.

If you don't let your DH know, he will think you have something to hide if he finds out. As you don't, I would tell him that you are going to meet your friend, and invite him along. I don't understand how he can say 'no' to you meeting a friend - you don't need his permission.

I've slept with a male friend of mine (before I met DH of course), and he wanted a relationship with me at the time, which I did not want. We are both now married to other people, and remain great friends. He was DH's best man at our wedding, and vice versa. In fact, its often me that is left out now as they play lots of sport together! DH isn't threatened, as the stuff between my friend and I happened years ago (it feels like it never happened now), and he knows that there is no way I would ever cheat on him. Actually, I have another male friend who has admitted to having feelings for me in the past, and DH doesn't have a problem with him either.

I have also met a female friend of DH who I know he had a bit of a thing with. She was nice, and it didn't bother me in the slightest. She came to stay with us for a while.

Perhaps I just have a really understanding DH, and I have no idea how your DH would react, so feel free to ignore my advice if it really will cause problems. But if it was me, I would go

hattee Tue 10-Nov-09 09:38:13

oh, and obviously reassure your DH that he is the only one for you etc. I don't know if there are any underlying trust issues in your relationship, but if there are I think you should address these.

I don't mean that you should disregard your DH's feelings, but I don't think he can dictate who you are friends with either (especially friends that you knew before you met DH)

Could you ask your friend to bring his wife too?

candygirlygirl Tue 10-Nov-09 09:52:07

Thanks for all your advice.

I have given up so many things for my husband, and though i love him dearly he hasnt been supportive in lots of way,and i feel like the last couple of years i have been pushing ppl away just to please him and make him feel special.

Having my son opend up my eyes, as i dont have family and friedns beside me to help me with being a first time mum,and i have come to realise that the relationship has been imbalanced, and i need to think of things that would make me happy and give me back my character.

His wife is currently abroad,and she knows about me and i have met her about 5 years ago,she seems a nice lady.I dont know how she feels about me.

candygirlygirl Tue 10-Nov-09 09:58:10

I have hinted to my husband that he will come, but if i ask him if i could meet him , he will just say do what ever you want as he hates making decision in any aspect of our life,and that will even make me feel bad because its not a yes or no, he wont open up what he is trully feeling and it will just add up to the things i ask him opinion on and got told to decide on my own.

SolidGoldBangers Tue 10-Nov-09 10:01:08

If your husband is gradually persuading you to give up all your friends then you need to put your foot down firmly and say you will see who you like, when you like. It's never good to indulge partners who are jealous and insecure, because the more you give in to their demands, the more excessive the demands become.

candygirlygirl Tue 10-Nov-09 10:16:20

Solidgold i totally agree with you, too late have i realised things or ppl i gave up for him,they meant great loss for me but to him it became as something i should do.

We had a discussion on this last week, in which i told him i dont feel like me anymore as i all the time thinking of what makes him happy, and not got appretiated, and told him its my fault.because its me that got him to get used to this from start.

So meeting my bestfriend seems to be a big step for me as a new start,but at the same time i am not sure how my bestfriend would feel, if out of the blue i say ,why dont we meet for a cup of cofee when you come here,when all the time when he asked i flatly refused.

ilovepiccolina Wed 11-Nov-09 14:57:30

Communication is the key - take time to explain things, both to your DH and your BF, so that your BF understands why you've felt unable to meet him in the past and DH knows BF isn't a threat.

I ended up giving up so many friends because of my ex-DH's demands, just because he was so possessive & jealous. Your DH needs to accept that you can have this guy as a friend, and that he - DH - can't be everything to you, no-one can; he is the most important, but you need to see BF occasionally too.

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