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What To Do - it is a mess

(7 Posts)
ladybird7 Mon 09-Nov-09 14:52:41

Sorry that this might end up long. I have been married to my dh 11 years. ( together 13) I had 5 children from a previous marriage and he took on my kids when my eldest was 6. We had twins who are now 10 - both the twins are autistic and my older 5 children have Asperger's Syndrome which is a type of autism. The olders ones are now 20,19, 18, 17 and 15. Dh couldn't cope at all. He did try but going from a single bloke to 7 in 18 months was a culure shock he never truuly got to grips with. He loves them and he was involved in their lives but he drank every night to wind down and he had depression cos for other stuff going on and the kids SEN made everything very hard. Not the kids fault. This caused problems for us and a few weeks ago he moved out ( I told him to leave) Now he has a flat, he is getting a job and he is happy. He misses us all tho and we are getting on better then ever when he comes to visit. The older 4 bitterly resent him being here cos they hate sharing me and they blank him when he says hello to them - they alway gave him a hard time ( their natural father walked away)and he is used to being shunned by them. I feel they need to learn some manners but if I suggest they be a bit nicer while he is here they scream at me to stop blaming them. I am not but I love all of them and feel torn apart. He has signed the house over to me and I am thinking of selling it and buying two smaller places so the older 4 can have their own place and he can eventually move back with me and the 3 younger ones, asssuming he can work within commuting distance cos I will need to be on tap for the older ones until they get on their feet in a place of their own. They like that idea and it was broached before he moved out. They don't like the idea of him being back with me tho when we get two smaller places and no amount of telling them what I do with my relationship with dh in my own home is up to me sinks in. The rows have been horrendous and one no longer speaks to me. They said some terrible things. They are either out at college on in their rooms all the time ignoring me. They only appear for meals and not always then. Only the twins want him here at Christmas.

Life is crazy now. He arrives here early on a Saturday when everyone is sleeping and we fall into bed. He is so much better in himself, no longer drinking at all and the man I fell in love with is back. I miss him so much during the week but the kids are dismissive of my feelings and think I should get rid of him. I can't do that. It will take at least 2 years before I can sell the house and his work search has taken him a fair way away as there is none where we live. I can't see any other way forward.

lilacclaire Mon 09-Nov-09 14:58:05

Could your older ones get some kind of tenancy on their own? I assume your involved with social workers etc who may be able to arrange this in a supported living scenario?

It must be massively hard, but they are older now and you are perfectly entitled to your own relationship.

ladybird7 Mon 09-Nov-09 15:15:13

Hi Lilacclaire

I think they could get a tenancy but they won't lol. They won't move out unless I sort it and we have no SW at all - never have tbh. I feel they do need their own space and have the life skills in place to do that now but they are still on the I am "abandoning them for dh" thing even tho this was semi decided months ago before he moved out. If I got a house in trust for them to live in it would give them a secure future but that will take time to put in place. This house needs work doing on it before it is ready to sell and even tho dh is doing the work when he can get her it still costs money which is tight. The housing market is bad too which might make it a longer process. I am hoping I get used to it but it isn't fair on the youngest two either. They miss him too

lilacclaire Mon 09-Nov-09 17:34:54

I would contact the SW to be honest and see what help they can give by way of accommodation or even respite for the moment for the eldest ones.
Your not choosing your dh over them, your choosing yourself, which by the sounds of it you haven't done for a long time.

ladybird7 Mon 09-Nov-09 19:01:22

Lilacclaire

"Your not choosing your dh over them, your choosing yourself, which by the sounds of it you haven't done for a long time."

You have hit the nail on the head and I have only seen it now you said it. I haven't choosen me for over 20 years. Everything has been about them and for them. Booting out dh was for them. It was the ultimate sacrifice but one I now know I can't make. Thanks you cos now it is clearer what to do

DippyDino Mon 09-Nov-09 20:21:12

I don't understand why you have to be 'on tap' for the older ones until they leave home? What for? Are you still cooking all their meals - why? And to keep them sweet you are offering to buy them a property to live in rent free! Flippin heck you sound lovely but you also sound like you make yourself into a right proper doormat!

I understand the older ones being resentful of you dh's past behaviour re: drinking, but blanking him is childish and they should know better.

I would be very tempted to say that 'he is moving back in, if you don't like it, move out.' They do their own laundry, are polite to him, bit they don't have to be his biggest fans, they help to cook and clean on a rota, and if they dont like it, love you but see you later bye.

I realise that they may be feeling protestive of you, but they are being spoilt and selfish too.

ladybird7 Tue 10-Nov-09 22:12:31

Hi Dippido
I don't understand why you have to be 'on tap' for the older ones until they leave home? What for? Are you still cooking all their meals - why? And to keep them sweet you are offering to buy them a property to live in rent free! Flippin heck you sound lovely but you also sound like you make yourself into a right proper doormat!

The one taps is cos of their SEN but the doormat bit is true too. I am really.

I understand the older ones being resentful of you dh's past behaviour re: drinking, but blanking him is childish and they should know better.

His drinking late at night never really impacted on them cos he was never abusive or nasty and they were in their rooms.

I would be very tempted to say that 'he is moving back in, if you don't like it, move out.' They do their own laundry, are polite to him, bit they don't have to be his biggest fans, they help to cook and clean on a rota, and if they dont like it, love you but see you later bye.

Great idea
I realise that they may be feeling protestive of you, but they are being spoilt and selfish too.

Yes they are. Thanks.

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