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I am rubbish at relationships and right now quite despairing. Going round in circles. Long sorry.

(17 Posts)
poshsinglemum Sun 08-Nov-09 22:54:44

Some of you might have read about my latest infatuation nightmare. I keep droning on about it and it's getting boring but I'm getting quite distressed.

Years ago I was in abusive relationship but I fell in love with another man at Uni.We ended up going away for the summer on a long field trip abroad with other students. . We were from the same town. He also had a girlfriend so nothing happened.
I split up from abusive twat.
Amazing man split up from his girlfriend. He comes back to my home town. He clearly likes me. He invites me to the family home and tries to get me into bed. We hang out but I push him away by sleeping with other guys and telling him to make him jealous. I'm also terrified of getting involved as I know that if we slept together I would fall hard and I didn't want to get hurt. Meanwhile I am abusing alchohol to try to numb pain that abusive twat caused me. Amazing man eventually gets fed up me and buggers off (I don't blame him)

Fast foward 10 years. I am a single mum. I meet amazing man in home town. He invites me to his sister's NCT group at the family home. I am so excited to be near him again. Go to group. Lovely mums, lovely sister, lovely group. Turns out amazing man has a girlfriend and I am GUTTED. I cannot stop beating myself up for pushing him away. He always waves at me and last time he went red but I cannot get over him.
I love my NCT group and don't want to stop going but it's killing me being near him and not being able to be with him.

I have so many regrets. WHY, WHY, WHY didn't I take my chance to be happy with him. Since he got fed up with me I have dated a string of loosers when he is anything but a looser.It's like I have deliberately sabotaged my own happiness. In life If there is a crossroads, i always take the path that leads to doom instead of happiness.

I am soo fed up with the drama.

Im just wondering why i keep choosing men that hurt me and not lovely men like him.

I didn't tell the whole story before to protect anonymity and I am still wary but i no longer care as i just need to let the pain out.

poshsinglemum Sun 08-Nov-09 22:58:27

I think seeing him again has also bought up a lot of issues to do with abusive twat boyfriend as they were school friends. only my life could be so complex!

LaurieScaryCake Sun 08-Nov-09 23:00:49

Look, I have no idea if you will end up with this guy but what i do know is he is not as perfect as you think - he can't possibly be.

Don't use him as an excuse or your rose-tinted memory of him to beat yourself over the head with.

You don't deserve this shit your giving yourself - you are just carrying on from where your abusive ex left off.

Instead, prioritise yourself, recognise yourself as a person like any other who makes mistakes, only choose friends or relationships with people who are kind to you. Focus on you giving yourself what you need.

You are worth more than this smile

groundhogs Sun 08-Nov-09 23:05:35

Ahh, PSM, here's that manly pat I promised you earlier... looks both ways... and a <<hug>> - but FGS don't tell anyone!

yes, I think you are torturing yourself, stop it!

As fluffy as it may sound, everything happens for a reason, and while this bloke might not be the one for you, he's one that is trying to get you to examine your choices.

Have faith, you had the strength to leave the abusive twat, perhaps you did make a mistake in knocking back this guy, but perhaps not. You weren't ready for him. Quite understandably you were frightened of being seriously involved with anyone.

it'll be OK, you'll be OK, have faith. You are in a different space now, see what life brings you next!

poshsinglemum Sun 08-Nov-09 23:06:59

i know, i know i'm being silly. i know he's not perfect and there are things i don't like about him. i am glossing over some things.

he made out that i was work shy all those years ago when in fact i was recovering from breakdown caused by abusive twat and thus had to drop out of uni. getting over abuse did involve lots of booze i have to say!

this unfair appraisal of my integrity did put me off i have to say!

oh the tangled webs we weave!

1 handed typo.

poshsinglemum Sun 08-Nov-09 23:08:18

i was scared of another man bossing me about!

groundhogs Sun 08-Nov-09 23:11:57

Focus on what you are glossing over, that's why you didn't go with him, perhaps the grass wasn't greener.

better to be on your own than being bossed about....

rasputin Sun 08-Nov-09 23:12:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany Sun 08-Nov-09 23:20:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

poshsinglemum Sun 08-Nov-09 23:21:23

Thanks for all your support.

I suppose the fact is- I did feel like it was meant to be in a way. Fate definately has played a part in this.

I go to uni miles away from my home town.and get selected to go on a field trip abroad (caribbean) out of loads of other people.

I go to the first meeting. Clap my eyes on this bloke and it's love at first sight. Never felt like it before.

Abusive twat comes to visit me at Uni. We go to pub. Amazing man is there and they know each other! Turns out they were at school together and he is from my home town!I'm all in a tiz but secretly excited.

Go on field trip and wake up every day feeling happy to be near him but torn as we are both with someone. I secretly want to leave abusive twat but I can't due to abuse ironically. The romance of the caribean fuels the attraction. I can hardly speak to him as I stumble on words. He mentions that I am intelligent (something that abusive twat never did) and he likes my philosophy on life (dito).

I leave expedition a week early as abusive twat wanted me to. (Abusive twat didn't even want me to go to Uni in the first place let alone on field trip.)

I have nervous breakdown at Uni the next year to abuse caused by twat and my own issues.

I have to leave Uni and I am DEVASTATED.

I get on a college course and I try to make a new life for myself.

Amazing man comes back from uni and gets in touch.

I blow it.

I kid you not. This is the mental way my life has evolved.

I have blown my cover but I can't keep it inside any more.

poshsinglemum Sun 08-Nov-09 23:23:31

I guess his role in my life is to reflect what was happening to me at the time.

Mabe it was for the best. Life works in mysterious ways.

poshsinglemum Sun 08-Nov-09 23:26:14

I think also I associate him with that magical summer in teh Caribbean and i was truly gutted to give up that lifestyle.

I am proud that I went on that trip as the abusive boyfriend didn't want me to go at all. I felt that I wanted to break free and spread my wings but abusive bf wouldn't let me.

Every cloud has a silver lining!

poshsinglemum Sun 08-Nov-09 23:27:33

Rasputin grin

rasputin Sun 08-Nov-09 23:31:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

poshsinglemum Sun 08-Nov-09 23:35:05

I will! Or freak penguin attack!

i feel better now. Just need to stop blardy circular thoughts.

Bad thought in,swirl it around a bit, Bad thought out. Repeat etc.

I need to get a job. I'm going mental . my brain has turned to mush!

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 09-Nov-09 07:07:34


Maybe you subconsiously thought that you did not deserve to be actually "happy".

Have you ever talked with a counsellor about your relationship issues?. This needs sorting out now. The past is done and dusted.

I think you need some such help to "unlearn" what you've been taught otherwise you may end up repeating the same old mistakes.

What did your parents teach you about relationships?. You don't of course have to answer that but perhaps they too taught you some damaging lessons when you were growing up.

You may also want to read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

autumnlight Mon 09-Nov-09 10:59:43

I also strongly recommend reading 'Women who love too much'. Having had two abusive relationships, I am finding seeing a counsellor has helped me alot also.

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