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Why am I so jealous?

(29 Posts)
redwiner Sun 08-Nov-09 13:23:59

I have been seeing a lovely man for about 4/5 months and we get on really well. It's my first time of dating since I lost my DH just over a year ago. This guy is really great, not pushy, very loving and considerate,he thinks the world of me and is a good father to his 7yo son whom he has regularly. When I am with him everything is great, but when I am not with him I get so jealous over his ex wife.They have been apart for 6 years but still get on very well, to the point where they occasionally go out together with their son, and share his birthday etc. He has invited me to meet her but I just don't want to. Knowing what she is like won't make me not feel jealous when he's with her. I don't for one moment think they will get back together, or that anything's going on with them, it's just that I can't bear the thought of him being so friendly with her still, its as if they are in a little club that I can never join because of their shared history.
Am I being really stupid? If so how can I try and get rid of these thoughts and feelings I have whenever I know he's seeing her? I am worried that my jealousy (and I'm not normaly a jealous person on the whole) will destroy our relationship and I don't want that. I have never mentioned this to him as I don't want him to think I'm really horrible, because I'm not.

piscesmoon Sun 08-Nov-09 14:17:34

I think it is all do do with the loss of your DH. You don't say whether he died or you are divorced.
If you are a widow then I expect it is because he still has a person with shared memories and you haven't.
If you are divorced then there is probably the niggle that you were lacking in some way and can't mean more than his ex.
Either way I shouldn't be too hard on yourself-just give it time. It is very early days-you need to build up your self confidence.

duke748 Sun 08-Nov-09 14:42:08

The fact that he has asked you meet her is a very GOOD SIGN! Please do meet her. Your imagination will always make her seem almost super human and I'm sure she is just an ordinary Mum.

I do understand as my man was with his ex for 14 years and obviously have lots of shared history.

You will really need to try to control this jealousy (but you know that!). How about using it to start something positive? Why not try to create some new shared memories between you and your man, and even include his son? These can be whatever you want. How about a new Christmas tradition? Or a new favourite restaurant? Or a new Sunday afternoon routine? Whatever you want really. But it will be YOURS. As this develops your feelings about his other history should become less strong.

Good luck - he sounds like a keeper!

redwiner Sun 08-Nov-09 15:50:05

My DH died, we were not divorced. I just feel that most other seperated/divorced couples don't do as much as they do together. He has told me if it were not for their son he wouldn't have contact with her, but for instance last night they all went to a firework party together (I was invited but thought I'd feel like a spare part). I am sure she is just an ordinary mum like everyone else, but she does seem to rely on my new man for lots of things. She constantly rings him for advice on anything from taking out a loan to help with the computer. I just feel that after all this time apart she should be more independant. (she doesn't have anyone else in her life btw). How can I get him to stop doing so much for her, or is that the wrong way to think? Should it be me backing off her case as she knew him first?
I just don't know....

Prosecco Sun 08-Nov-09 15:58:21

He is with you!

I agree that this is because your dh died and you are mourning that lost shared history so it is hard when your partner has it with the mother of his child. They will always be a part of each other's lives, as your dh will always be apart of yours. Your partner may be feeling anxious that you compare your relationship with him to that you had with your dh.

Meet her- they both want you to and that is definitely a good sign

shockers Sun 08-Nov-09 16:07:23

By asking you to meet her, he is offering you a place in their club. Actually no.... he wants a different club now, one that has both of you in it.
He sounds like a nice man who helps the mum of his DS. Seems to me like you've got yourself a good one!

KimiTheThreadSlayer Sun 08-Nov-09 16:08:49

Sorry for the quite recent loss of your DH.
I think you are being silly and over reacting, if he and his EX are good friends good for them and if they do thinks as a family sometimes that is because they are a family, you are choosing not to try to be part of that, you are never going to remove their shared history as a massive part of that is a child a living person.
I think you need to walk away as you are going to cause yourself and everyone else a lot of pain, if you can not get over him having a life before you

redwiner Sun 08-Nov-09 16:48:02

Crumbs that was a bit harsh Kimi, but maybe the wake-up I needed. He is a good man, and I don't want to lose him. I know they have a history and at my age (45) I would seriously doubt I'd meet anyone who doesn't have one, and I think I would would be concerned as to why. I think I would just find it hard to witness them being together. Crumbs, this is so hard, I suppose because I've never remained friends with an ex, except to say Hi in passing. Maybe he is just a better person than me who can seperate the two relationships, past and present, whereas I can't. I will have a long hard look at myself and try to make an effort with her, it's what's going to have to happen if this new relationship is going to have a chance. Thanks everyone.

piscesmoon Sun 08-Nov-09 16:55:32

You are not being silly. I was a widow and it is very hard, it is also very early days. I would think that, even if you try not to, or don't consciously realise it, you can't help being a bit jealous that his ex is still around to talk to when you don't have that. Your new man will have the same feeling, in many ways it is harder because he is measuring up to someone he will never know. If you think that he is in the same boat it will be much easier. It is a new relationship, meet the ex and think that he has chosen you.
You don't need to walk away-you just need to take it slowly and not rush the new.Take each day as it comes.

InMyLittleHead Sun 08-Nov-09 16:57:04

I think Kimi is being too harsh.

It's obviously going to be hard for you them being so close and acting like a family in many ways. But I think you should allow yourself to be brought into it a little bit because it might help you to not feel like an outsider. As others have said, he has chosen to be with you. If he wanted to be with her he would be!

It is very early days, but he sounds like a really nice guy and the fact he is prepared to be amicable with his ex for the sake of their kid reflects well on him. Give it time and try to let yourself be involved. Good luck.

piscesmoon Sun 08-Nov-09 16:57:54

I cross posted redwiner. Kimi was being a bit harsh-I don't think that she has lost a partner through death-it takes more than a year. You just need to work at it together, with understanding on both sides.

KimiTheThreadSlayer Sun 08-Nov-09 17:08:32

No thankfully I have never lost a partner through Death but I am separated from my first Husband and I have a new DP, but DH1 and I are still a family, we have 2 children and 24 years history, and any new partners have to accept that.
We still do things together and as a family.
I think the OP could lose out on a lovely relationship and the chance to be part of this mans family if she can not get past this sillyness.

Sorry to be blunt, I must have forgot this is mumsnet where you either get all soft and fluffy and kiss arse or you shout troll.

piscesmoon Sun 08-Nov-09 17:16:40

I didn't think you had Kimi-unless you have been through it yourself you can't understand. Of course she needs to move on and have a new relationship but it isn't that easy and she isn't being silly. It took me 2 yrs even to go out on a date. I hope it works out for you, redwiner, I'm sure it can-just give it time and don't rush.

shineoncrazyfirecracker Sun 08-Nov-09 17:18:26

Message withdrawn

OrmIrian Sun 08-Nov-09 17:22:48

Can you just take pride in his maturity and the fact that he cares enough to ensure a good relationship with the mother of his son, and a woman he shared a life with? Would it really be better if he treated her badly?

He sounds pretty wonderful to me. Meet her, be part of the club.

Fabster Sun 08-Nov-09 17:26:54

I don't think you are being silly at all. I think your feelings are perfectly normal and a sign that you care very much for your boyfriend.

He clearly is a brilliant dad and a lovely, kind person to do so much for his son's mother. That is who he is doing it for, not his wife iyswim.

I would also meet her for a coffee sometime and just treat it as meeting a potential new friend, not as your boyfriend's ex.

She could also be nervous of meeting you.

Jealous is a normal emotion. Have the feelings but don't let them take away this lovely new start you have made for yourself.

sayithowitis Sun 08-Nov-09 17:37:52

You asked whether you are being silly. TBH, I think you are. Just as you might feel jealous of his wife, he could feel the same way about your DH. And it's a lot easier to recognise the faults in someone you have the oportunity to meet and have a friendship with than it is to compete with the perfect image of someone who is no longer here!

OrmIrian Sun 08-Nov-09 17:52:02

May I just tell you a story?

My CM left her H when she was in her 40s. She met someone new after about 2 yrs. It took her ex a bit longer but he got married again eventually. His new wife was poisonously jealous even though their only contact was for the sake of their DDs. She made it very hard for the DDs to have any sort of real normal contact with their father. Even now it's just christmas and b'days and has to be negotiated with the wife. Don't let that happen.

Fabster Sun 08-Nov-09 18:07:28

That sounds like he isn't much of a father then OrmIrian. angrysad Kids should always come before new wives/husbands.

redwiner Sun 08-Nov-09 18:12:00

I see what you mean about my new man having to compete with my late DH's memory. As we didn't divorce,and were still happily married I don't have any bad things to say about him - it was all good - so it may be hard for him to know if he measures up, so to speak. But on the flip side he doesn't have anyone causing me grief, or asking me for help or advice like his ex does him. It clearly shows ther are two ways of looking at things which I hadn't considered. I have been on here before Shineon, asking if it were too soon to meet someone, and to be honest I think the very fact that I could even contemplate another relationship told me that it was ok to do so. With my DH we were a case of opposites attracting, but with this new man we are totally alike in so many ways and it's amazing. I am just going to take it easy and hope that in time, he will want to be with me more and more, and would rather bring his DS on outings with us instead of his mother, and that's not being mean, its simply that we shoud begin to build a relationship together. Is that the right thing to do?

piscesmoon Sun 08-Nov-09 19:14:05

I think that the right thing to do is concentrate on his DS and do what is right for him. I have always taken the view that the DC is young and you can mess up a life, you are the adult and can deal with the fall out. It has helped me in the past.

KimiTheThreadSlayer Sun 08-Nov-09 20:29:25

piscesmoon what is it you object to about my post?
The OP ask was she being stupid to feel as she did, and yes it is silly, I was answering her question.

piscesmoon Sun 08-Nov-09 22:11:08

I don't object to your post-I just think it is a bit harsh for someone who is still grieving a death that happened a very short time ago. I don't think she is being silly, I fully understand. I would agree that you are correct Kimi, but doing it is much easier said than done.

KimiTheThreadSlayer Mon 09-Nov-09 08:06:09

But she was not asking about grieving her late Husband she was asking if her feelings about the first DW of her new partner were stupid.

Martha1 Mon 09-Nov-09 15:39:30

I completely understand your feelings. It is wholly inappropriate for his ex to lean on him for help with her computer, finances etc. There needs to be boundaries, as how will his son accept somebody new in his dads life when his parents still act like they are together!!! He needs to do things with his parents separately to understand that they are no longer a couple. I understand them meeting for birthdays etc but FGS his ex needs to grow up and deal with her own loans etc - he's you bf now and she should not be using him in that way!!!

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