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drug dealer dad wants access

(5 Posts)
dongela Sun 08-Nov-09 11:15:32

Hi Mums,
I am going to seek legal advice tomorrow re myposition but I am going up the wall with my own thoughts at the moment.

I have a four week old baby girl who was conceived at the end of a very brief relationship which I ended due to his frightening mood swings and constant shouting. When he was told of the pregnancy he accused me of telling him I was on the pill to 'trap' him and then that I was sleeping around and he would want a paternity test. tried talkin to him throughout the pregnancy but he was always completely hostile and even did not get in touch when I was teken to hospital with a suspected pulmonary embolism at 6 months.

I asked a friend to notify him when his daughter was born and he subsequently rang my Mum asking me to ge in touch. I did, and I allowed him to come round when was really still recovering from a long labour that ended with a section and probably should have waited. I was too keen to trust him to be a Dad to his Daughter and brought him to register the birth and even let him change the middle name I had chosen for her so that he would feel included in a real way. I further dropped my plans for a Christening as he 'does not beleive' in religion in favour of his choice of a baby naming ceremony again, in the interests of building bridges and not making him feel like an outsider to any decisions.

I was happy for him to see her most days, as he is a musician who is free during the day and I had invied his Mum and sister round. His sister snubbed the invitation. I also put him on my car insurance, which isnt that relevant (!!) but shows that I was ready to work with him and have him included as a proper Dad. However, the whole time he has been insisting on calling her by the middle name that he gave her and constantly asking when he can have her to his house. e lives in shared accomodation with a man of 18 and one in his 20's. I am 36 and my ex is 30. As I said, he is also a small time dope dealer which means there is a constant stream of strangers through his house looking for drugs and he also always seems to have access to things like cocaine, valium and MDMA. I reluctantly agreed that he might be able to take her to his Mums, as long as I was happy with leaving her in his Mums care.

I then allowed him to stay overnight on the sofa one night so that he could further bond with his daughter and be involved in her feeds etc. The following morning (no doubt gue to not having enough joints in the previous 12 hours) he verbally attacked me while was sitting down feeding the baby, saying he wanted his surname to be included with hers. Although he is named as the father on her birth certificate she has my surname. I replied that I would think about it to which he got more aggressive shouting that he had 'rights' and that he would 'fight me mall the way'. I ended up leaving by the front door in my slippers and my baby in her nightclothes to get away from him while he was out back having a smoke.

Following this, I was unwilling to extend the open door I had thus far and told him would be drawing up a proper visitation and maintenence schedule with a solicitor. He replied to this by telling me I didnt deserve to be the mother to 'his child' that was an awful person and that no doubt I was going to make his life hell for the next 18 years. And that I was to pass on my solicitors details to him as he was no longer going to deal with me, obviosuly under the impression that he can remove a four week old baby from me so that he gets his visits. In short, it doesnt matter what I offer or agree to, he will not be happy unless he can entirely remove her from me and change her name.

What I am concerned about is the apparent desire of the courts to ALWAYS allow contact even when the parent applying for it is so clearly unsuitable. I am no longer willing to discuss it with him as he is such a hothead and will never see that I am trying to do the best for us all, only what he isn;t getting.

I dated him 9 times so really we dont know each other. I told him when I was pregnant that even though we were no longer together he should think of me as his best mate so we could get to know each other before the baby arrived. This also fell on deaf ears.

Would a court really take my baby from me to allow this man, who has not co-operated with me at all in anything I have tried to sort out with him, to have access to my baby on his own terms? And also given his lifestyle?

I cant sleep and am constantly crying worrying about this. I so sorely wish I hadn't allowed him to be named on the birth certificate or had geiven him my new address but I thought I was doing the right thing by my daughter. However, it is obvious that he see's her as property belonging to him and would quite happily have her in a flat full of stoned strangers.

he only thing he has against me is that i have sent a few choice text messages calling him a w**r and all the rest. Although not always! Many of my texts are perfectly reasonable but he has saved the crazy ones so he can preove I am 'mentally unstable' and a 'liar'.

Does anyone know if I man who barely knows me, got me pregnant, left me to deal with it, then following very generous visitation threatened me inmy own home? I am terrified that he will be viewed the same as a Dad refused access to his children following divorce as I am not doing this to be spiteful. I do not beleive that he will ever have a beneficial effect to her life and I am fully prepared to ignore any court order that says I have to leave my child with him.


MadameDuBain Sun 08-Nov-09 11:20:22

I have no experience but I think there's a lot here that would count against him. Document every instance of abuse, gather any evidence you can about the drug-dealing etc. Glad you are getting legal advice and good luck.

dongela Sun 08-Nov-09 12:28:31

Thanks for that. I was considering reporting him to the Police so that I would have real evidence but apparently it carries a prison term of up to 5 years, which is the only thing stopping me.

MadameDuBain Sun 08-Nov-09 12:44:05

Why is that stopping you? That would be ideal surely. He sounds like a nasty piece of work and it would get him off the scene. You've offered him a role in your baby's life and he's just abusing it. Plus he's a drug dealer who causes harm to other people. I'd do it - he needn't know it was you, his neighbours would be just as likely to report him.

dongela Sun 08-Nov-09 12:48:45

God I know. It seems a bit extreme, but yes, he is a nasty piece of work. Everything that I have done is twisted and twisted by him until I'm the bad one. I really dont know any of his friends or family but apparently he 'was advised I would never change' so he is clearly badmouthing me to everyone. I have had a right go at him but I havn't slagged him off to anyone. Apart from the facts!

I might speak to a policeman I know about it as I would be better able to sleep at night if I knew any application for access would be seriously undermined by him having that kind of conviction (even if he wasnt imprisoned).

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