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the end is in sight

(15 Posts)
unhappynappy Sat 07-Nov-09 19:15:50

im a regular but have name changed.
i want to split from dh - im nasty to him i have no respect for him i dont like anything about him. not one thing sad
we have beem married for 12 yrs and have 3 beautiful kids .
i feel sad for them as my parents are still together and i know how hurt they will be but what about me??
dont i deserve any happiness??
i cant imagine going through the rest of life married to him - i cant bear it any longer.
how do i approache him - he knows its a bad situation at the moment so it wont come as a shock to him .
how can i prepare the kids ?
they are 11,8 and 3

ElenorRigby Sat 07-Nov-09 20:11:12

Whatever you feel please think of the children first.
Are you about to rip the heart of your family for the sake of your happiness?
Think carefully.
Is your husband a good father?
Do the children love dad?

kinnies Sat 07-Nov-09 20:37:14

Christ!!

I ALWAYS put my dcs first but please dont stay in a marrage in the hope that its right for them. It will not do them any favours to witnes you unhappy in a relationship, staying there because you darnt leave.

ELNORRIGBY- wHAT??!! M ay I ask you what year we are in?? (I'll give you a clule, its not 1860)..

UN- Whats up in your relationship hun? You sound really sad

SerendipitousHarlot Sat 07-Nov-09 20:42:53

<Are you about to rip the heart of your family for the sake of your happiness?>

hmm Is she not allowed to be happy then?

Kadiya Sat 07-Nov-09 20:49:09

If you are having issues with hubby, then have you tried talking to him about it, or going to counselling? You say you don't like him, but you havent said you don't LOVE him
If you are sure there is no way to salvage your relationship, then by going to a counsellor/relate/mediator then you can at least do things amicably so that the impact on the children, and you, is less than if you just got up and left, or just chucked him out...
Good Luck
xx

fluxy3 Sat 07-Nov-09 20:55:12

Could be me writing this.... don't know what to say other than "you are not alone". x

marriedtoafuckwit Sat 07-Nov-09 21:48:13

I feel exectly the same. Been married9 years, 2 kids. Husband announced he wasnt happy over ayear ago, wont say why, wont atlk about it, wont go to counselling etc but promised he wouldnt leave. Things got slightly beeter for a while but he still made no effort to be part of the family. When he comes out with us he walks 5 ft behind on his fucking blackberry all the time. Things are now back to where they were when he said he wasnt happy. Hes working loads (so he claims) goes to the pub for a drink and comes in at 4am, has started smoking again (thinks i am stupid and cant smell it on him) I went to cuddle my 4yr old and he stinks like an ashtray from cuddling his dad.
I too have no respect for him, cant stand him being around etc. I need to get out so badly. The kids will be fine, he barely sees them anyway unless i am at work. I just wonder how the hell I an cope financially but at the end of the day I can't spend the rest ofmy lifeliving like this. My parents divorced whenI was 6, so i know it'll be shit.
Hope youre ok.

Everyone survives somehow

mrsboogie Sat 07-Nov-09 23:33:44

marriedtoafuckwit sounds very much like he has another woman but hasn't the balls to leave or tell you. Kick him out - he will have to support his kids. Being skint has got to be better than wasting your life like this.

You only live, for a very short time. what's the point in wasting the best years in misery?

Anniegetyourgun Sun 08-Nov-09 08:55:19

Unhappynappy - this is between you and your H, not your parents. You may have to prepare them just as you prepare your children for the news. Any right-thinking parent (once they have got over the shock, if they didn't realise anything was wrong between you) would want you to be happy. It may take them a while to grasp that a stable marriage is not the same as a happy one. Maybe they never will; but they should be willing to support you through a difficult time even if they don't agree with your decisions.

WRT children: I believe in being honest with children so they don't get a shock, but they don't need detail, certainly before anything is decided. I think all you can say to them at this point is that daddy and mummy are not getting on with each other at the moment, but that you both love them very much and will make sure that whatever happens they will be secure and loved. (I assume here you are confident their daddy DOES love them very much; if not, I wouldn't lie to them but would leave him to do the reassurance for his part.) And that it is NOT, in any way, their fault, because somehow children usually seem to think it is sad. It is far too early to start talking about who lives with whom. Ideally they will see a great deal of both of you, however it pans out.

As for the marriage itself: RELATE or similar, get it free if you can, but for goodness' sake get talking with a mediator as soon as possible. It may be too late to mend anything between you (you'd be surprised how many apparently dead-in-the-water relationships have improved radically with the right sort of mediation) but if nothing else it can help you to break up nicely for the sake of the children - and actually for yourselves too, spookily enough. If H is one of those old-fashioned types who is allergic to anything that sounds like counselling, well, courts like to see that couples have been to mediation and I think sometimes order it. It is so much better to sort things out between you with the right sort of referee than to sling mud from behind the barricades, and works out a lot cheaper than solicitors.

marriedtoafuckwit Sun 08-Nov-09 10:56:27

MrsB - if you'd have said about OW a year ago I'd have laughed, but am now beginning to think same thing. I am working up to asking him to leave, just need to sort a few things first. I know I will be happier in the long run. I think the only reason it has taken me this long is because my parents got divorced when I was small and really didnt want my kids to go through same thing, but life as they know it isnt exactly great anyway. Need to go to Citizens advice and learn about benefits as I have relied on H for so long and only earn peanuts myself.

Fruitbatlings Sun 08-Nov-09 11:08:17

unhappy - I really feel for you, I feel the same way.
Hate my relationship and only been married not even two months yet blush Been together for nearly 9 years though and have two DS's, four years and 7 months.

It's a crappy situation to be in. I have no advise I'm afraid as I have no idea what to do myself. In fact I was about to start my own thread until I read this.

Listen to your instincts I suppose?

Wish I did before I got married but there's always an excuse - he'll grow up or it's preg hormones or it'll get better once we're married hmm

autumnlight Mon 09-Nov-09 09:49:15

unhappy - I know exactly how you feel. I have been married for ten years, have 2 dc from my marriage, and older teenager from 1st marriage. I have had ten unhappy, lonely years full of misery, and I, too, am looking at getting out of it. It has scared me to think it would not give me or the children any happiness for the next ten years.

unhappynappy Mon 09-Nov-09 20:18:28

so glad im not alone - i just keep chickening out of that conversation - im going to ask to split in january after christmas - i want the kids to have one last one with their dad .
im scared financially more than anything else ,im bankrupt partly to do with his gambling habit which got out of control - he used to take my card and withdraw monies without my knowledge and he was known to gamble a whole months wages for which i would have to bail him out with more credit card money .
i feel such resentment and hurt over the whole thing - i cant get past it .
i want to love and to be loved .

yournotalone Tue 10-Nov-09 09:16:10

I don't usually give advice as ...........well my own history in my marraige over the years is not something to be proud about unhappynappy, but I will say this, listen to all the positive feedback who have replied to your thread, there is so many of us on here who get support from eachother in one way or another, we are a fantastic bunch really...... except for one person who should not have replied to you.

ELENORRIGBY, You sent my blood preasure through the roof , how insensitive you are, as mothers our first priority is our children and there happiness, if you however strongly believe that this young lady is not putting her young first and her life second yet again! you are strongly mistaken, all you have done is to try and make this young lady rethink her prioritys but only by putting herself LAST. Please go and make a cup of tea sit down and look at yourself before posting absolute garbage on here.

Unhappynappy, My thoughts and a big hug to you, you will get there in the end i'm so sure of it xxxxx

unhappynappy Tue 10-Nov-09 09:52:33

my dh is the same marriedtoafuckwit - doesnt participate in family life at all - i do literally everything apart from work ,i take them swimming ,to the park ,shopping for their clothes and shoes ,shcool stuff and all appointments they might have ,he doesnt even ask how they get on and he doesnt have a clue about their likes and dislikes ,
its so sad and i know my kids are great and deserve better .
the relationship with dh and my eldest ds is awful they cant stand each other and he never spends anytime with him .
we nearly broke up last year but he begged me to stay for the kids sakes.
so i did i have tried but it cant go on much longer - he is from an intiely different culture to me and this has partly played a part in the relationship failing ,i want him to be happy and to go on and have a new family with someone from his own background ,im very concerned that he will just go back to his own contry and the kids wont see him again - it would be awful for them ,and he has hinted that its what he would do ,i mean what kind of man would do that!!!
and in that case i wouldnt be able to recieve and help from him ,child mantinance wise
there is so much to consider.

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