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I could do with some advice........

(38 Posts)
sdg Fri 17-Jun-05 14:13:12

I am really fed up. I have a DD of nearly 2. My Dh is so lazy and it is driving me mad! He works from home and doesn't do very much at all tbh. He gets up late, goes for a swim and then sits in front of tv from about 5pm. I meanwhile do everything else. All childcare, housework, cooking, shopping, washing etc etc. if I complain he tells me to get a cleaner, nanny etc, but we cannot afford that so would be throwing money away when if he just helped me out a bit things would be fine. I have tried talking to him and he just tells me I am depressed. I have tried emailing him and he still doesn't respond. I am really at the end of my tether. I feel so resentful that I do everything while he is so lazy. I can manage with doing it and would be fine if he was busy all day, its just I feel really annoyed that he just lets me get on with everything without lifting a finger. The odd occasion he has got up in the morning with DD and I have had a lie in (til 9am - he gets up 10am earliest every other day) he has to go back to bed for a few hours because he is so tired.
I have had enough and am so close to leaving because of it. I love him but I just cannot stay with a man I have no respect for. And surely he has no respect for me just expecting me to do everything for him. Is there anything I can do to shake him into action or is he just not going to change? We have been married 3 years and he has always been the same. Didn't live together before marriage mores the pity

Titania Fri 17-Jun-05 14:15:35

leave dd with him for the day and go shoppng on your own....he will soon realise what hard work it is....

suzywong Fri 17-Jun-05 14:16:26

sorry to hear you are having difficulties

what's his mother like? And how do you get on with her? Do you think she could talk to him and get him to pul his finger out? IME of husbands working from home, the more they veg the more depressed they are.

Hope you find a solution without cutting his lazy head off

sdg Fri 17-Jun-05 14:16:28

He would never agree to it. Or else he'd just stick the tv on and leave her in front of it all day

colditz Fri 17-Jun-05 14:17:15

I would strongly suggest an ultimatum, and for goodness sake don't do anything for him again until he is pulling his weight. Don't cook his meals, don't wash his clothes, and anymess that he leaves lying around, gather it up and put it in his side of the bed. You have to mean it, but if you do, it does work.

colditz Fri 17-Jun-05 14:17:44

He doesn't have to agree to it!!!!!!!!!!!

He's her dad!

sdg Fri 17-Jun-05 14:17:47

His mother is awful! She is part of the problem anyway because she does everything he says. He can be rude to her and she doesn't say a word. I think this is where he has learned bad relationships from

sdg Fri 17-Jun-05 14:20:34

It just sounds so simple on paper. Just doesn't work like that. he is so stubborn.
I hate myself for being so weak and getting myself into such a ridiculous marriage. I don't think it will ever change but I don't think I've got enough energy to get out. I'm just tired of being so unhappy

Nbg Fri 17-Jun-05 14:20:59

Could you go away for a few days with your dd and leave dh at home.
That way he will have to fend for himself.

Explain to him why your doing it, you've made your mind up and go and stay somewhere nice and enjoy yourself.

sdg Fri 17-Jun-05 14:42:41

Tried that plenty of tiems and he just runs back home to his mum so he doesn't have to cook for himself.
I give up.
Thanks for listening everyone, think theres no solution really

bamik Fri 17-Jun-05 15:13:04

My DH is as lazy as yours! Send him round to mine fo the w/e and then the 2 of them can laze around together and complain that there are no women around to 'wait' on them!

But honestly though. All I do it whatever he has messed up or left out, goes on his side of the bed (in a nice pile). It could stay there for months - I really don't care! He treats my living room like it's his bedroom (about 3/4 pairs of trainers under the couch!!!). I've already threatened that if it continues then I'll just put them all in the bin (I wouldn't really as what I would really do it put them in black bags and then hide them in the shed!). I don't care if he does his nut, there has to be some compromise! I work f/t and am 17+6. I get as much rest as I can as I have given up on running around for him! When baba comes along I will have no time whatsoever for anything else so he will have to pull his finger out.

I'm sorry to hear that his mum is not supportive. Isn't there anyone else in his family that can put a boot up his a**e!

saadia Fri 17-Jun-05 15:36:37

sdg, could you draw up a timetable/plan of all the jobs that need to be done and explain how yours and his time should be allocated and then divide up the jobs and say that if he doesn't want to comply then you will only cook/wash/clean for yourself and dd?

And then try to plan fun stuff for you and dd to do - don't let his negativity drag you down.

I know this is all really easy to say but in practice is more difficult. I know how draining it must be to live with someone like that but it doesn't seem worth splitting up over.

mogwai Fri 17-Jun-05 17:52:27

I had a problem with my husband being lazy too. In the end, I wrote a list of everything I had done in the course of a day and compared it to a list of everything he had done.

He was quite shocked. It improved things significantly. He still needs reminding now and then, though I've never had to write such a list again.

hercules Fri 17-Jun-05 17:55:08

You need custardo for this. She has succeeded and has written some good posts about this in the past.

sdg Fri 17-Jun-05 20:26:11

Thanks guys. Will have a go at the dumping on his side of the bed, and also perhaps try to give him a list of 'his' jobs for the week. I know it won't go down very well but it may be the best way forward because I feel so resentful and that is not healthy for either of us. He does know how hard I work because he is around during the day but it just doesn't seem to make him respond.
He is an only child and has never had to do anything he doesn't want to ever in his life so I am having to break the mould and reshape him!

mogwai Fri 17-Jun-05 20:56:02

mothers of boys sometimes set their future wives up for hell!

I also considered giving him a list of his jobs for the week, but I felt it would be seen as exaggerating or nagging.

Once he'd seen what I actually did in the course of a day or week, he came to understand what NEEDED to be done. That was the crucial bit. He genuinely never thought that someone has to clean the inside of the microwave, or throw away food from the fridge past its sell-by date, you know, the less obvious stuff.

He actually then suggested I give him a list, so I got what I wanted without comng across as a nag

hercules Fri 17-Jun-05 20:56:53

Are these men or small children??

mogwai Fri 17-Jun-05 20:57:30

what's the difference, hercules?

hercules Fri 17-Jun-05 20:59:10

I couldnt marry someone who acted like a small child and prefer equal partnerships.
There is a big difference and not all men are like that!!

hercules Fri 17-Jun-05 21:01:03

No matter what their upbringing they are responsible for their behaviour as an adult and being spoilt by their mums is not an excuse for taking an equal share with their own house and kids.

I really hate reading about women who have to write lists for their partners. It is grossly unfair and imo unacceptable.

Surely you deserve far more.

sdg Fri 17-Jun-05 21:08:19

Hercules - Of course we deserve more and better but for whatever reason there are people like me who are in these situations. It is not exactly kind or helpful just to say you prefer equal partnerships. I'm sure we all would too but are trying to find the best way to ease the problems we now face. I am really pleased for you that you have a better relationship than mine and do not have to ask for such support or advice. I feel really low and fed up at the moment and people being smug just finishes me off

mogwai Fri 17-Jun-05 21:20:00

oh sdg, don't get finished off.

I'm sure she didn't mean to be smug, but I understand why it was interpreted that way (did sound a bit smug - sorry).

I do agree that would be the ideal world, but most women I speak to have the same problem, to a greater or lesser extent. My mother in law, for example, wors every day. My father in law doesn't, yet he still waits for her to come home to make his evening meal and does NO housework. I can't understand why she puts up with it, but I think it's too late top change now.

We, however, still have time, so don't feel too down about it. If you approach it in a positive (or crafty) way, I'm sure you can make some changes.

sdg Fri 17-Jun-05 21:22:13

Thanks Mogwai.
Sorry Hercules I didn't mean to sound off. I am just so upset today for various reasons and I am just feeling sorry for myself. An awful emotion, but off for an early night so hopefully that will help

mogwai Fri 17-Jun-05 21:24:52

hope you feel better tomorrow. Things look so much worse when you feel generally down, don't they?

But don't let the bone-idle bugger get away with it

hercules Fri 17-Jun-05 21:27:07

I did not mean to sound smug. Why should I ? Dh only acts the way he should, nothing better, nothing worse. He doesnt need commending for it nor am I lucky to have found a man who believes in eqal things.

I just dont like it when men are grouped together as all being the same and women feel they have to be "crafty" to somehow trick them into doing what they should be doing anyway.

I think it is awful that there are relationships like that and it is not right. I'm not blaming you just simply stating that it shouldnt be that way and imo men shouldnt be excused or cajoled in to doing something.

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