Please help, I don't know who/where to turn at the moment. Apologies if this is v long, I haven't spoken to anyone other than MIL in RL and am struggling a lot.
Background is that DH and I have been married for 2 years, together for 5. When we got together, I was aware of DH's reputation for being a ladies man and he admitted that he had cheated on his exW on numerous occasions.
But, for all that, he really did seem like a changed man, i never had any reason to doubt that he was honest with me and we talked of marriage and DC's for a long time. I admit that I was mistrustful of him at first and have (on occasion) checked his phone but there was never anything improper. A lot of our friends/colleagues etc commented on how he was a changed man and I truly believed that and thought that I had found my soulmate.
He has been slightly stressy and moody recently but we have had a lot of financial outgoings and he has a stressful and busy job (he's self-employed and I'm SAHM). I am also heavily pg and with a 20month old DS1, sleep is often in short supply which makes everything seem more difficult.
Given this, I looked at his phone on Tues night and saw that he had typed and cleared (although I "uncleared" it) a sexually explicit text. I confronted him and he swore that it had never been sent but it had turned him on to text such an explicit text. He said that he had not texted anyone that day and so we agreed that he would show me his phone bill to confirm this.
I was devastated but believed him and found out that we could check his phone bills online so thought the whole sorry issue could be quickly resolved and put behind us. But on Wed night, he comes home and obviously realises that he can't come good on the promises that he made the night before and confesses whats been going on.
Firstly, he says that he has been trying to phone an ex acquaintance (who he used to have phone sex with years ago - nice) and that this has been going on for a year but he has never managed to speak to her, other than a quick hello. He swears that they have never had phone sex or any sexual contact since we have been married and his phone bills would suggest that this is true (the calls from his mob are usually seconds long as he says he kept getting her answerphone).
Secondly, he has admitted to texting and phoning another ex-shag for the past couple of months and that this had culminated recently in them agreeing to go for a coffee one lunch time but that it never actually happened. Again, his mobile phone bills suggest this is true.
Finally, he has admitted to recently having coffee and making phone calls to a third woman. He says that these were not sexual in anyway and that the woman in question would be stunned if she thought it was likely to wreck his marriage but that deep down, he knew it was wrong because he was being secretive about the meetings/calls to me and that I would be upset by it.
He has promised to do eveything he can to make amends and swears that he wants to be a better husband/father. I'm just so upset and hurt by this all and feel esp vulnerable as I'm so pg. I just don't know what to do, this wasn't the basis on which I agreed to be married or have children. But at the end of the day, I also know that in the scheme of things his misdeamenours are mild and he doesn't think they would have ever escalated to anything physical and he's not sure why he did it. I swing from being desperately tearful to white hot fury and don't know we get past this.
MIL knows whats been going on as I made DH tell her as I needed someone's support and guidance (even if it's not impartial). I also thought it best that only she knows and I don't want friends/family to know these grubby secrets if this is something we can work through. She is really for us working through this but I'm just not sure it can be done. DH is remorseful and sorry but I feel like my trust in him has been shattered at what should have been a happy and joyful time in our family life.
It's been so cathartic to write this so that alone has helped but any advice or guidance is much appreciated
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please help - 30wks pg and DH has just admitted to prolonged betrayal of trust
5 replies
hurtandlonely · 07/11/2009 10:38
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