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My husband makes me feel like shit.

(4 Posts)
MessedUpMillie Sat 07-Nov-09 09:33:36

For example last night he went out with his mate to get his watch fixed. He went 7pm - 10:30 to a big shopping centre even though he could have gotten this done at any point in the week locally. (I am mentioning this just to show that the trip wasn't totally nessecary but he felt he needed to go, which he has every right to do)

But I never go out without the kids, which is my choice as I don't have anyone/anywhere to go.
I prefer to use my time alone in the house.

So this morning I asked him if he could take the kid downstairs so I could have an hour in bed.

He says 'why should I do that?'

I told him that he goes out all the time alone with his friends using daft excuses for it (3 hrs to big shops to get wtach fixed on Friday night) and I have all 3 kids whilst he does these things so I would like to use my 'child free time' to have an hour in bed.

He was horrid, I was horrid, I cried and he took the kid downstairs but I followed because he was in such a horrid mood that I just ddn't want to go back to bed I was wide awake.

The point is I never get any time to myself.

If I go out (and by out I mean food shopping) then I take the kids.

Yesterday I had planned to go shopping with my mum, alone with just the baby, but all morning he moaned and wanted to tag along, so it ebded up me and mum and him and all 3 kids even thoguh it was supposed to be a quiet thing.

I don't want to go out at night and stuff, all Im asking is to go to Tesco without the kids once in a while or have an hour in bed but it just doesn't happen without a load of moaning from him and in the end the whole point of me relaxing a bit is totally overshadowed by the preceeding drama!

He also says things like 'you make my family uncomftable because you are so miserable' and things like that which knock my already very low confidence,

Im not chatty with his family and sometimes when his family knock on the door on a Sunday morning I stay upstairs because Sunday is my cleaning day and im in my cleaning clothes nd dont want to face anyone at 10am on a sunday morning. Which I know is a bit rude but so is coming round so early on sundays!

I'm just fed up.

Prosecco Sat 07-Nov-09 09:49:13

It does sound like a horiible situation, and to be fair, he sounds like a selfish git but if you are looking for constructive advice, her goes.

Firstly, Sunday doesn't have to be cleaning day when you don't go anywhere else during the week.

I would try to think of it as a social occasion when you have visitors and enjoy coffee,cakes etc. Also, sometimes, I would use that time to get out for an hour or two. If he has other adults with him in the house he may feel he can cope better. Maybe the thought of looking after the three kids alone terrifies him- what age are they?

Do you two get out together? Could you get a babysitter and the two of you go out- that would give you especially something to look forward to and make you feel a bit better.

I think you need to work up to going out regularly as you already said, you prefer to spend the time in the house and don't have anyone/anywhere to go. I would suggest joining a class/group so that it is a regular standing arrangement which will force you to go and give him a concrete day/time when he is in charge ( and if he feels he needs to get a pal/family round then he can. This will also help you meet new people and hopefully boost your confidence.

AllyOodle Sat 07-Nov-09 10:49:48

I feel for you Millie, it's perfectly reasonable to want some time without all 3 kids. I only have 1 and I feel like I really need it. And I would kill to spend an evening in a shopping centre!

You both need to discuss the different types of relaxation you need. I am assuming that he works full time and you are a SAHM, as if things were different you probably would have had to negotiate this before, sorry if I've got this wrong.

You need to get what you need across to him so clearly that he understands properly. When you asked him to take the baby, and then you came down too, he might have thought you didn't really want a lie-in. This could be why he moans, because when you are making what for you is a really desperate plea, he hears "I'd quite like to....but I'm not that bothered", and he thinks if he badgers you a bit you will give up. Once he understands you really mean it, he might stop moaning and just do it.

Prosecco is spot on that he also needs to work up to being able to take all 3 kids on his own. (Men are not congenitally incapable of doing this fgs. Just swanning off to the shops in the evening, presumably missing bathtime and bedtime and all the hard work, is behaving like a non-parent.) Setting a time when he will be on his own with them is also a great idea. Once he gets over the terror of it he will probably love it and look forward to it.

Just to give you my situation (I love to talk about ME smile) I work full time and DP is a SAHD. We only have one child but no family near, so we have had to define clearly what types of relaxation we each get. He goes to the pub sometimes, and went to Paris on his own for a few days once. I chill out in the house and once in a while go out with a friend or to book club. I usually want to be with DD the whole weekend, but sometimes I just really need alone time and he takes DD out and I get the afternoon free. I have a little zoom round the house, sit in front of the TV watching what I want, I really understand how you crave some time alone in your own home.
We share the lie-ins because we both need them - but I always take the lie-in when it's my "turn" even if I'm not sleepy, because we need to stick to the pattern. Even if I end up tidying or something, it's time when I'm not the one getting snacks/wiping noses/drawing pictures/changing TV channels etc.

Hope this doesn't sound like I have this perfect life. We have lots of discussions about it and every so often one of us feels hard done by and and gets a face on, and then we have a row. Basically, as long as we remember that we have different daily lives but both work hard, we are OK. When one starts thinking the other has it too easy, we fall out.

HTH - good luck. Your DH has acted like a selfish git but hopefully it's thoughtless selfishness, not nasty selfishness. You need to start speaking up for what you need. Unfortunately very few men can work this out for themselves. XXX biscuit

Lulumama Sat 07-Nov-09 10:55:02

firstly, the one easy change i would make is to do your food shopping on line, then you don't have to take 3 childrne food shopping, which is hideous!!

then you need to find a nice reliable baby sitter so you and your DH can go out together and you can go out with friends once in a while

can you afford a childminder? just for a few hours a week, or would your mum have them or someone, so you can have a few hours to get your hair done or whatever? you need to feel like a person in your own right, not just a mother and wife

agree sunday does not have to be a cleanihng day, but nor do the family have to come every week, but surely they will play with teh DCs and you can have a cup of tea with them?

hiding upstairs is rude and won't help

you need to talk to your DH, tell him how you feel, he can't guess, and if he does not change you need to find ways to get what you want

how old are your DCs?

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