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Finally, dd's dad gets in contact - though I now wish he hadn't

(15 Posts)
electra Sat 07-Nov-09 08:36:42

I have not heard from dd's dad for a while and he always flatly refuses to discuss her with me. I have been trying to figure out if I should try to get some sort of child support from him. I had an 8 month relationship with him and an IUD failure resulted in me being pregnant. He then buggered off without so much as asking how I am.

Anyway, yesterday he gave his views on the matter for the first time. He apparently thinks;

I have made him feel bad by having the baby
the baby has made his life 'wrong'
he thinks the contraception failure is my fault

am I being unreasonable to think this is really unfair?? I suppose I should have known he was a total arse when I was seeing him.

electra Sat 07-Nov-09 08:37:28

oh and I don't see how the baby has made his life wrong when he has never even seen her!

maxybrown Sat 07-Nov-09 09:03:21

Oh electra, you know deep dwn this is tosh. He will try to blame anything and anyone rather than take responsibility - that would be the responsible and "anly" thing to do and one day in his life I am sure he will regret it. Does he have no desire to see her? As regardless of whose "fault" it was, she is here now and a real live person needing the best possible care you can provide for her. Is he emotional about her at all? If that makes sense?!

maxybrown Sat 07-Nov-09 09:05:25

oops I meant manly!! blush

He chooses how to feel - part of her life or not. If all he is going to do is blame her mum and be negative about her mum, that is no good for any little girl. (or boy but we'r on this case anyway!!)

TotalChaos Sat 07-Nov-09 09:06:07

he sounds like a right twat tbh, from the thread title i assumed he was contacting you to arrange visiting/access, not to just inflict his pity party on you.

electra Sat 07-Nov-09 09:11:18

The impression I get is that he does not want to see her and would rather pretend it hadn't happened. He says it makes him feel bad.

maxybrown Sat 07-Nov-09 09:15:09

presumably then he would rather she didn't exsist but feels guilty about that so therefore feels he should do something hmm He should be loving his precious thing all up, how sad. sad

Anniegetyourgun Sat 07-Nov-09 09:34:26

Would be tempted to reply on the lines of:

I did not cause or want the contraception failure
However I am very glad it happened because I now have a beautiful baby who means the world to me
The best bit is not having to share her with a self-centred, miserable git

perfectstorm Sat 07-Nov-09 09:51:04

electra, you know he is being a twat and a manchild. Don't be guilted by someone who is fuming that he can't control everything in his own and other's lives - just head over to the parenting threads and read the toddler stories. He fits right in with the one who screamed blue murder when the cat dared to go into HIS outdoors.

I'd contact the CSA asap. What have you to lose? Other than cash you and your child need?

electra Sat 07-Nov-09 16:52:50

I know, for some reason it has upset me that he sees it this way. She's my baby too and I didn't feel I could have an abortion.

Doha Sat 07-Nov-09 17:24:30

And why should you have had an abortion. It is your body and your baby.

Did the twat not take any reponsibility==he could have worn a condom.
No contaception--apart from abstinance--is 100% relaible

loved Annies text suggestion, do it AND contact the CSA.

remember it takes 2 to tango smile

perfectstorm Sat 07-Nov-09 18:22:15

Abortion is legal so no woman has her body invaded for the best part of a year by an unwanted pregnancy, followed by the hell on wheels that can be birth; not so men can evade financial responsibility for paternity. You didn't entrap him, or lie about the pill. You had an IUD failure. Your child exists, she is a human being with the same rights as him - more, actually, because kids' needs should be prioritised over adults'. Especially their parents' needs. That's the deal as a grownup in this world. He is a disgrace to act this way - the person doing all the work and spending all the money is you, not him! So how dare he add to being a deadbeat dad by beng a whiny and accusatory one?! What he actually owes you, and his child, is a big apology, a big cheque, and a regular contact schedule. Not this utter bullshit.

Please don't listen to this utter twatmonkey. And don't feel your daughter is missing out, either. No child gets a perfect life, but a loving, engaged and supportive parent is a pretty good starting point. Reading the relationship threads I often think being with someone like your ex is far worse than single parenthood, because you have to manage the harm they cause the kids, and handle the misery they inflict on you, and still don't get the help and support a decent OH would provide.

If this guy has reached adulthood without understanding that that entails more than behaving like the earth should spin for his exclusive benefit, then your daughter is probably missing out on a whole lot of hassle and not much more.

Honestly, I know this is easier said than done, but try not to think about it. Try to block it as soon as it crosses your mind. His reaction is that of an entitled loon. Yours is that of a normal and decent person. That's so glaringly apparent to any outsider.

electra Sun 08-Nov-09 17:09:45

perfectstorm - thanks for that post. It makes a lot of sense. I am ashamed to say that I have been very upset all weekend about this, and I am trying to block it out but it's hard. The problem is that my mental health isn't very resilient and when something like this happens it can make me feel quite unwell.

When I was with this person, he managed to manipulate my feelings very well. So that when he did something that wasn't right he always managed to make me feel like I was the unreasonable one and I found myself apologising for things that probably weren't my fault. I put up with all kinds of stuff in that relationship including letting him hurt me physically because I was so in love with him and I bent over backwards to make sure he wouldn't be upset/angry or sulky. He began by trying very hard to win my affections and then after a while started treating me quite badly. And I ended up thinking that I was lacking in something, otherwise he would treat me better.

perfectstorm Mon 09-Nov-09 18:23:23

Oh God, you shouldn't be ashamed of being a human being with feelings! He was your partner for 18 months, he's your dd's father, what sort of a person wouldn't be upset by the crap he's giving you? You'd have to be as self-absorbed as he is not to be hurt, and besides, any decent person will automatically question themselves when someone basically tells them their own behaviour is shitty. And given all you've had to cope with (plus the demands and general exhaustion of any baby, let alone one as a single mother) it would be impossible not to be distressed. All you can do is try to put it aside as the utterly punitive, spiteful, navel-gazing self pity it is. The man's an especially unpleasant brand of loon, and a violent and abusive one. You are so much better off without him and with your gorgeous dd, and you know there are plenty of women here who have been in your shoes and a few years on are either happily single, or involved with actual human beings. I know you know all that. But there's always that small voice, isn't there, that seems to be saying that you really were as worthless as he makes out? Seriously, look at his words and his deeds. It's glaringly obvious who the waste of oxygen is out of you two, and it's not the one creating a decent life for their little person. Putting aside what he's doing to you - what he's basically saying is that your daughter has no right to exist. That is such utter, unmitigated crap. How DARE he?

Some people operate by systematically taking those closest to them apart. I had an ex who did just that, and actually I've seen fathers do it - it's not just you that had a lucky escape, yopur dd is so much better off with you as a lone parent, if her father is violent and narcisstic. Not the best model for her own future partner, hey. All you need from this man is his money, and for him to STFU and stop harassing you with his own whiny, selfish, abusive inadequacies.

A good exercise for me when people start pulling shit is to imagine someone I don't know well telling me about it. Imagine how you'd feel if someone at a parent group told you a bloke had done and said this to her. She's the one who got pregnant, she's the one who gave birth, she's the one singly parenting, yet he is complaining that her fertility has had an impact on HIS life? What was it, an immaculate conception? And talking about her beautiful little girl as if she's a leaky roof or some sort of immune system disorder, not a fantastic little human being in her own right? You want to crush his testicles between two wooden spoons, don't you?So there you go. That's the response his behaviour merits, and you are being a sodding heroine mothering alone - seriously, my mum did it too and to this day I can't fathom how she managed so well. Your dd is going to grow up feeling the same.

I'd contact the CSA, but first talk to Women's Aid to make sure he won't be able to abuse you via your daughter. (Is there any record anywhere of his being violent? And you are keeping all messages in which he is a grade A wanker? ) But really, that money isn't for you, it's for your dd - do you really have the right to turn away money that she is entitled to and which would improve her childhood? Honestly I think it's only right he make a contribution, if you can get your hands on it without jeopardising your physical/emotional safety.

electra Tue 10-Nov-09 11:28:46

Thanks, perfectstorm. He doesn't live in the UK usually although I have reason to think he may be working here again for a short time. He doesn't know my current address but I suppose he is likely to get quite angry if I try to get him to pay anything for dd. You are right - he is suggesting she has no right to exist.

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