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can I have opinions about this man pls.......

(26 Posts)
hatesponge Fri 06-Nov-09 21:56:18

What do you all think about this......

I work with someone who, for many months, has said to other colleagues (who then somewhat indiscreetly told me) that he likes me A LOT. He apparently thought I was very attractive, clever, good personality etc(all of this is of course entirely true grin)

When I first heard this I wasnt overly interested for various reasons - mainly because he seemed very quiet & reserved, not in any way my usual 'type' - in fact the total opposite. Anyway, spoke to him at a few work functions & got to realise once he relaxed a bit out of work he was really witty & good fun to be around. And that we also had a surprising amount in common.

At the last function, we both got quite tipsy & after it finished ended up snogging etc grin

I was quite matter of fact about it afterwards, & asked if he wanted to just leave it as a one off, or not - and he said definitely not.

So far, so good I thought.

Then 3 days later, when we're back at work, he says hes scared of getting into a relationship (I'm not sure I'd offered one, I just thought we might go for a few dates at first) So I said fine, we would see how it went. He said ok.

That was about 6/7 weeks ago.

Since then, we chat at work, and exchange numerous emails every day. I invited him to a drinks evening a few weeks ago with colleagues, or for us 2 to go for a quick drink which he declined as he already had plans - which he then told me about in great detail, making it clear he was either with his DC (he's a single parent like me) or with other (male) friends, or clubs etc he belongs to. He said he would come some other time, but didnt suggest a date (mind you, I havent since either)

So, I've been reliably informed he likes me. I think I've made it fairly clear I like him.
Despite that, we now seem to be just friends. Am I missing something? Or wasting my time?

music1 Fri 06-Nov-09 22:00:49

Don't take it wrong but he look like he has got an other relathinship at the same time and he is quite confused and guilty.

hatesponge Fri 06-Nov-09 22:28:27

He definitely doesnt have anyone else. From what I know, he's been pretty much continuously single since he got divorced 9 years ago.

picmaestress Fri 06-Nov-09 22:43:19

Firstly, I think you might be making it too easy for him. Blokes like some sort of a challenge/chase. Back right off, and go all enigmatic. If he responds, bingo. If he doesn't, he's a dick and a timewaster.

Am going through similar tribulations. Conclusion: if they mess you about, they're not right.

Single for 9 years? Seriously? He's scared of 'getting into a relationship'? After 9 YEARS? Something is awry here...

hatesponge Fri 06-Nov-09 22:59:19

The 9 years bit isnt good is it? He said he had just got used to being single. I suppose he had plenty of time............

SixtyFootDoll Fri 06-Nov-09 23:08:00

I would cool off

HerBoomWhizzBangitude Fri 06-Nov-09 23:11:53

oh i don't know I think back off is good advice but I don't like this idea that you have to play games to get together with a bloke. Any man who can't be straightforward and honest but has to have a "chase" is a PITA imo. There is an inherent weakness in that argument, because inevitably once the chase is over, you've created a vacancy for another chase, no?

But backing off is a good idea because he is wasting your time. Either he's interested or he isn't and to be frank, he just doesn't sound that interested. Most single men who want sex, will jump at the opportunity of a bit of sex. This one isn't jumping so he's either a game-player (fuck off to him) or not interested in sex (fuck off to him) or just not that interested in you (fuck off to him). I think. On balance. Am prepared to be swayed though.

stainesmassif Fri 06-Nov-09 23:26:00

to borrow a cliche - he's just not that into you. don't waste any more energy thinking about him trying to work out what's going on in his head. it's probably not very interesting.

TheWheelsOnTheBusHaveFallenOff Fri 06-Nov-09 23:29:44

sounds like he is quite unsure of himself and perhaps taking the "see how it goes" option a bit too literally. you're exchanging emails every day, you've asked him for a "quick drink" and for "drinks with colleagues", but he can't make either because of prior commitments and nothing else has happened, so now he may think you're just being kind / friendly (as opposed to asking him on a date date), because neither of those invites sounds like an actual date, if you're a bit of a shy and uncertain type.

I reckon that playing it cool will just make him more uncertain and perhaps you have to spell it out so he is clear about his options.

If you're happy to do so (you may not wish to lay yourself on the line so much, in which case things may drift on for a lot longer), I reckon you email him, or call him if you're comfortable, and give him black & white detail, for example (short version) -

"I like you, I believe you like me, we snogged, it was nice, we said more would be nice, I've asked you out for casual drinks, you've said no but you had valid reasons - but now I'm not sure where I stand.

"Please can you tell me what you're thinking - is it friends only or would you like more, because if it's more you need to ask me out, or you need to accept an invite. I'll make it easy - how about dinner next week on xxday? If you genuinely can't make that day you need to suggest an alternative date. But if you don't want to take things further, just say and no offence taken. Just so we're clear, I'm not suggesting we jump into a relationship, I'm suggesting we go on a date." Or something.

I'm a big believer in just saying how it is - unless you think you're setting yourself up for a big fall or office ridicule, or indeed you don't like him so much you want to make a big deal out of it, just ask him but give him the safety net and make it crystal clear. some people are shy and need a bit of help!

hatesponge Fri 06-Nov-09 23:32:42

I dont like the whole game playing thing either - I've done all that in my youth far too many times.

I dont think for a minute he's a game-player.

I did wonder about the not interested in sex part especially when I knew how long he'd been on his own. BUT he was a great kisser (a bit slow at the start but after that...) there was also quite a lot of fondling/groping which he seemed enthusiastic about. I had an Ex years ago who had little or no sex drive, and he would never have done any of that.

So I dont think thats the problem.

Which only leaves me. Sigh.

stainesmassif Fri 06-Nov-09 23:41:27

no, no, no, no, no, don't feel like that! there could be a million reasons why he hasn't pursued it. but from the sounds of your post you have given him ample opportunity to follow up on your snogging episode and he hasn't taken advantage. it's his loss. absolutely.

unfortunately, the sooner you internalise this, the sooner he'll chase you. by which point it would be too late. god, men can be stupid. don't blame yourself though. he started it and if he's too non commital to have a date - is it really worth the effort?!

SolidGoldBangers Sat 07-Nov-09 00:25:44

This sort of thing happened to me a few times in my younger days and the answer was usually that the bloke had met someone else.

BEAUTlFUL Sat 07-Nov-09 00:56:16

Years ago, I used to post on an American messageboard that was all about dating/men/relationships. This type of man came up on there a lot, and was referred to (not sure why) as a "Moonpie".

Basically, Moonpie men are horrifically, mind-bendingly passive. They talk the talk, but that's it. they never ask you out on dates, they never buy you a drink, they never actually do anything except wafty-waft on about how much they like you. hmm

The clue here was that he told your colleagues how much he liked you, not you. Telling you would be far too active for this kind of man.

You've done nothing wrong! It's just what he's like. Don't give him a second thought. Take the compliments and run. smile You've made it vv easy for him to ask you out but he hasn't, and he never will, as he is wafty-wafty-la-la-la. Really, it's a headfuck if you dwell on it too long, so don't. it's not you, it's him.

You are gorgeous! He is weak. smile

Anniegetyourgun Sat 07-Nov-09 09:21:22

Good point, Beautiful. Look how many women come on Mumsnet complaining that their partners are very nice etc, but they never DO anything, never initiate a day out, never bring home surprise gifts, never book holidays, never do anything in bed without being jumped, have to be forced at gunpoint to go on a date with their own wives etc, and it wears the poor woman down to the point of distraction. If you have to make all the running now, you may have to make it for ever after. I'm exhausted just writing about it.

Or he might have one of those friends in the background advising him to "play it cool, if she's keen she'll make all the running" - in which case he's a fool for listening. And who wants to date a fool, eh?

thedollshouse Sat 07-Nov-09 09:25:16

I think he is scared. Leave the ball in his court if he wants to have a relationship with you he will have to make the move, you have done your bit.

HerBoomWhizzBangitude Sat 07-Nov-09 10:10:36

Oh god who wants a scared man?

grin

ABetaDad Sat 07-Nov-09 10:24:08

hatesponge - well I suspect after 9 years on his own he has built his own life and perhaps after coming out of a bad relationship before he is feeling quite nervous about getting into a new one. Out of practice, etc etc.

OK so he is not Mr Confident lounge lizard lothario but surely you don't want that.

Don't play games though in return. Just come out with it and ask him out on a date. Tell him you think he is nice and that you think he feels the same way. Tell him you are free on several nights next week and ask him to pick one. If he and you have childcare problems suggest a date with DCs on a Sunday afternoon for a low key pizza lunch etc. If he does not want to then he will say no and that is that.

hatesponge Sat 07-Nov-09 15:03:26

ABD - yes, having built his own life (as a single man) is very much what he's said to me previously; I think that although he did like me before, I'm not sure he actually ever expected anything to happen.

On the night it happened, he said it was all a bit of a surprise, though he was pleased about it but it was a surprise.

And you're right, I dont want Mr Confident, I've done that time & again - I am usually attracted to confident, arrogant men, who always treat me badly.

I've decided I'm going to be direct with him, as you and Wheels suggest, and ask him out properly. If he says no, he says no. I won't have lost anything & I will at least know where I stand.

Annie - your point about his friends may well also be true; he doesnt really have any close friends at work, but his non work ones, from what I know are all men in their mid/late 40's, most of whom are single following bad divorces/break ups...I suspect therefore they may not be giving him the most positive advice.

duke748 Sat 07-Nov-09 15:31:08

Men don't tend to ask their friends for advice, on anything, least of all dating!

KrispyKreme Sat 07-Nov-09 15:58:53

I think you are doing the right thing by asking him directly, one more time.

I'd say something like, I'm sorry we never managed to get togetehr on xx date, would you like to go out sometime next week?

If he still says no or sits on the fence, move on!

BEAUTlFUL Sun 08-Nov-09 12:02:39

Please don't ask him out. You have already. The ball's in his court, and he's aware of that fact. If you ask him out again you will seem like you have no other romantic options in your life at all, if you keep coming back to a few word-of-mouth compliments and one snog.

Brutally harsh: If he isn't inspired even to ask you out for a drink, how much can he like you, really?

Please find someone else, or better still, a few!

AnyFucker Sun 08-Nov-09 13:00:27

I wouldn't ask him out again

He sounds like a right bore, frankly

If he has you second-guessing yourself already at this stage, can you really be bothered ??

I hate passive men, bloody hell, do you have to hold his hand like this. Stop making excuses for pathetic, dithering behaviour. Hot and cold doesn't come into it!!

If he fancies you, you have given him plenty of positive signals, he should be beating your door down (not literally...)

Too much hard work to me, especially if you are more used to go-getters, afer a while he will seriously piss you off

If you are sick of the arrogant types, this man is not the answer, you need a middle ground

Move on

BellaBonJovi Sun 08-Nov-09 13:47:37

As they would say on NM:

He is an anker.

Seriously - unless your life is really so boring that you need lots of grief, give him a body swerve.

SolidGoldBangers Sun 08-Nov-09 21:36:52

Yup. He is Not That Into You. He's probably Not That Into anything very much. If he was really bothered, he would have made some sort of effort to communicate this to you, either asked you out or when you asked him, said 'I can';t on that date but I can on this one'. He may well like you, but not enough to take any action. Look at it this way, if you got as far as shagging him, you would have to do all the work and ask him if hewas actually enjoying it just to be sure he hadn't died half way through.

HerBoomWhizzBangitude Sun 08-Nov-09 21:49:21

ROFL grin

My sentiments precisely

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