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Help please, just want to run away...

(21 Posts)
macdoodle Fri 06-Nov-09 21:28:40

Things are pretty crap, excuse my rambling, been lots tears and wine consumed!

Was with abusive ex for nearly 10 yrs, I have 2 gorgeous DD's (8 and nearly 2), we have been seperated for 3 years, he was abusive looking back for a long time, till he finally had an affair (or one I found out about), anyway it took a long time but I finally filed for divorce and stopped letting him push me around!

Its just never ending, despite us being split a long time, him being with OW and their baby, me with a new DP (another story), he just cannot leave me alone

I have a stressful busy job, and a mountain of debt from him, all in joint names all secured on my house, I work hard, pay for everything, including his business or risk losing my house!

He contributes nothing financially to his children or his business (complicated), his access has been agreed in mediation (fucking horrible), and I go out of my way to ensure his relationship with the girls, I do everything!

He however does as he pleases if he cant be bothered/is busy/whatever he cancels his access last minute - usually my working days leaving me stressed sorting out last minute childcare/out of pocket and upset chidlren!

I am so tired, recently I have just not enjoyed anything at all, my girls are lovely, but I dont even enjoy them, I find it all such hard work.

When XH does speak to me its with such anger and disgust I cant bear it
He has the girls one day a week, a monday, his latest, he has a funeral so he cant have DD2 or pick DD1 up from school, he just doesnt give a shit,funeral is few hours he could sort out DD2 for a few hours, but he wont he wants to go for a piss up, and he sees the girls as my responsibility entirely anything he does is a favour to me, not a pleasure seeing his girls, not a repsonsibility nothing

I worked 10 hours today, solid no lunch, XH had girls in my house, I got in to chaos, asked if he had sorted monday, he laughed, and called me a fat cunt

I am so frustrated, so tired of doing everything,of feeling like its me, of him doing nothing, if I stop access I am the bad guy and the girls suffer, how long can I put them first without destroying what little self belief I have

I lost it tonight, DD1 was teasing DD2, lost it and just well lost it, I have had enough I want to run away, this is not the life I wanted, its too hard, I cant keep doing this forever

sincitylover Fri 06-Nov-09 21:42:07

oh god macd didn't want this to go unanswered. Your exh sounds like a worse version of mine - he actually wouldn't use those vile words in many ways he's alot more subtle but still a mindfuck.

He just sounds a vile horrible person and unfortunately you still have to deal with him.

It's also unfortunate that you still have to be so entwined with his business etc.

Not sure what to say but just offering support. Even my mother ahs said it would be easier if dss didn't see exh. I know and you and I try so hard to sustain the relationship between exh and the dcs.

Practically would you have room for an aupair?

I know that feeling of wanting to drive away too.

It's so hard.

Could you get a break?

sincitylover Fri 06-Nov-09 21:44:21

also it seems like forever but it won't be.

Things change

ditzzy Sat 07-Nov-09 09:53:27

Morning McD,

Hopefully everything is looking sunnier and a lot less bad this morning? Whether it is or not (the hangover will pass), I just wanted to drop on to this thread to say thank-you to you. You might not even remember me, but you've come on to the same thread as me a couple of times (mainly the big EA one) and every time you've spoken such sense, and made me feel so much better. I really do breathe a sigh of relief when I see you come on to a thread. Which is why I was surprised (maybe surprised isn't the word - saddened?, although glad you posted when you feel this way; disappointed?, obviously not in you!! None of this is your fault; I'm not entirely sure there is a word for that little moment when I saw who had started this thread) when I saw this was you.

I don't actually have anything useful say about the situation though... your XH is an arse, he always will be, and you already know that you can't rely on him for anything; so I guess you just have to run your life as though he was never going to be there, and just be surprised when he does turn up to help occasionally. And build some kind of mental filter so you don't hear what he's saying to you. Incredibly hard work though, but you've done so fantastically well over the last few years, that if anyone can do it, I know you can!

TimeForMe Sat 07-Nov-09 11:49:00

McD this is terrible. You have managed to break away physically, to divorce him but yet he still has all of this hold over you, he still has such massive control over you.

Reading your post I feel that not much has changed apart from the fact you are now divorced. You are still working your backside off to support him, indirectly and directly. If you don't support his business you lose your home, you are having to work all the hours god sends to pay his debts because they are in joint names and secured on your house. You say if you stop access that your girls suffer, MacD, I hate to be harsh because I know you feel so trapped but sweetheart, your girls are suffering now even without you stopping access.

Is there any possible way that you can work out your finances so that you don't have to support his business? Even if it means selling your house and paying off the debts. At the moment he has you over a barrel, he treats you this way because he can. You need to be strong MacD and you need to fight back (not in the physical sense of course)wink I have this feeling that you still feel scared of him, are still intimidated by him and that's why he gets away with so much. If that is the case then even though you are no longer with him he is still managing to abuse you. I really wish there was something I could do to help you. You deserve to be free of all of this, it has gone on for far too long sad xx

macdoodle Sat 07-Nov-09 21:07:31

Thank you!
I had consumed the better part of a bottle of wine when I posted last night, and was feeling fragile and emotional I do feel better in the light of day, but still incredibly frustrated is the best word I think

Ditzzy, thank you so much for your lovely comments, I think I always come across a bit hard nosed blush so thank you!
I think the word you were looking for is perhaps a bit "hopeless"?? - that if even I, after obviously getting rid of my XH, of surviving his years of EA, can still feel so trapped and abused and lost, then what hope is there
Well there is!!!! Honestly is you search back about 3 years, or the first Glam&Fab threads, I was a different person, my XH had so much power and control over me, I was a shadow, hurt and lost and desperate, with no idea how to get away, it was a terrible dark time for me!
I am a different person now, on the whole, I ignore him, I have a new life, I am mostly happy and settled, and I CAN look forward and see a future without him.........eventually!!!
So please keep strong, look forward, it gets better and I can only believe it will continue to get better and one day he will really be nothing to me (or dead !!)!!

EA does terrible damage that stays with you for such a long time, am pretty sure it is one of the reasons I dont feel able to have a relationship with DP (though may also be that I am just "not into him")!!

TFM (hellloooooooo grinmissed you) are so right as always!!
He still has a lot of power over me, I am mostly pretty good at ignoring (my mantra "do not engage do not engage"), but yesterday was the end of long week

Money is a huge problem, he has no reason to move things forward as yes I continue to have to bail him out or risk my house and credit rating, he has agreed that we sell the business and properties and they have been on the market since Jan No luck !!!

I think I need to ne more pro-active, and am going to ring an auction house on Monday, and risk taking a loss to try and move things on!!

The children is another issue, and my main source of frustration

TimeForMe Sat 07-Nov-09 21:33:11

Oh you sound much stronger tonight MaD, I am soooo pleased! And YES, you do need to be more proactive, it can be very scary to even think about it but you have such a lot to gain from doing it. Feel the fear and do it anyway! smile

I agree that despite all you are going through you are in a much better place than you were when we first 'met', when you were in the thick of it with Ex git. Gosh, you used to scare the pants off me! grin all the anger and emotion you were feeling was clear to see in your posts, as you got happier your posts got softer and your sense of humour came through. You are a lovely person McD and you deserve to be happy, and those 2 beautiful little girls of yours deserve to have a happy mummy. Stay strong and don't let ex git get you down, use your anger effectively and do all that you can to free yourself from him once and for all!

mollybob Sun 08-Nov-09 08:48:34

Hi McD - sorry it is all so bad. I think you're fantastic x

CarGirl Sun 08-Nov-09 08:58:34

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better this morning I think risking a loss to get rid of him is one worth taking. AS for seeing the children I would try and arrange childcare so you do not rely on him for anything, can you do something that just offer him contact every other Saturday?

Anniegetyourgun Sun 08-Nov-09 08:58:39

*sneaks onto thread*


*runs away quickly*

Lilyloo Sun 08-Nov-09 10:00:33

McD glad to see the fog had lifted a little yesterday.
I think the auction idea is a great one. Just another step away from him.
It must be terrible limbo as you can't really move away from him whilst he has the control of you working so hard to pay his way angry.

He really is a vile vile man and you have come such a long way. Your girls are only young yet but i am sure they will be so proud of their mummy when they realise everything you have done to keep them happy and they will see their dad for what he is!

macdoodle Sun 08-Nov-09 10:23:58

Access and childcare is such a huge issue and causes me such problems
I want the DD's to see him and have a relationship with him, and I have tried so hard to facilitate this, we had 2 mediation sessions (which were so horrible for me, I had to sit there and listen to his crap and when I tried to defend myself or explain he twists things, a taste of what Relate must be like with a man like this, and it cost me £150 and him zilch!!)
we did get an arrangement from that which is in the divorve agreement, BUT I cant force him to stick to it
He has them every other sunday 9-4 and is usualy fine with this one, as he has GF/OW to help, he is also supposed to have DD2 on a monday and take and collect DD1 from school, this is my biggest porblem.
He regularly cancels it last minute, but for reasons which on the surface look reasonable (funeral, job interview, solicitor etc) - however none of these take all day, if it was me I would have to either take DD2 with me, or work round it (as I often do), he doesnt he honestly believes it is MY problem to sort out childcare (as he did when we were together)!
Luckily I have a marvellous childminder who can often (though not always step in last minute), but I have disappointed children, stress for me, and more money that I dont have

And really it is done always as a means to control or punish me, if I have been late home on a Friday (from work I might add and never more than 10minutes and only if a last minute emergency),or especially if DP has been down

The other access he has is taking and collecting the girls on a Tues and a Fri - my work days, he wil come and sit in my house there will always be chaos and some verbal abuse when I get home, I have tried to stop this access but it is in the agreement and Dd1 gets very upset, the house is still! (!!!!!) in joint names!!

It is just a nightmare and he knows his last piece of control to torture me, as he knows I really dont care what he does anymore, dont care about him, OW, their DD - and I can honestly say I dont care Which is a huge step for me, if she wasnt such a nasty piece of work, colluding with him, i would feel sorry for her, but she wanted him, she has him and has done me a huge favour I can see now

My main emotion regardinh him IS frustration!!! He does what he wants when he wants!! He doesnt care about the children, contributes nothing to them financially, very little emotionally or practically,and really just sees them as HIS belongings and a way to continue to control me!!
I find it hard, my life revolves around them, everything I do is for them, or planned round them, I dont resent them I adore them, they are amazing wonderful little people, and I wouldnt be without them ever, but this is never what I wanted, I wanted a partnership, a loving family, not this fucked up dysfunctional mess!

I worry for DD1, she is affected by it all, and we have been going to group counselling session together, but she adores him and he can do no wrong ever no matter what he does

Sorry for long ramble, its been simmering inside for so long, I can see it will get better as they get older, I can see the money will get sorted, I CAN see a happy future without him I just wish it wasnt so hard just now, I dont want to look back on my childrens childhood as a battle that I didnt enjoy

TimeForMe Sun 08-Nov-09 11:40:29

Please don't apologise McD, it's good for you to talk and get it all off your chest and we are all here to listen and help as best we can smile

Not that we can actually be of much help apart from offer you support and some very unMN hugs! grin

You know, I think the best thing that you can do in such a difficult situation is just try your best to be happy, to rise above it and stick two fingers up to the ex and his control. Don't engage with him if at all possible, just ignore him. You are right, it will get better, the girls won't be little forever and he won't always need to be in your house to take care of them. I know all of this probably doesn't help you in the sort term though so I won't go on too much smile

I am wondering though, as he has proved to be unreliable could the divorce agreement re access be changed? Could it be reassessed so that it suits your needs more? You have come along way since your divorce, you have changed, what suited you then doesn't suit you now, it's not nice that you have to come home from a long day at work to abuse from him whether the house is in joint names or not! That house being in joint names is giving him licence to abuse you and it's not on! Gosh, I feel frustrated for you!!!

ladylush Sun 08-Nov-09 15:25:29

sad angry How dare he abuse you like that. I can see you feel trapped in this arrangement and I don't have anything useful to say but just wanted to give you a very unladylush like BIG HUG.

ginnny Sun 08-Nov-09 15:30:43

{{{HUGS}}}} MacD
He is vile and disgusting, I can't believe he called you that shock. He is the c**t not you.
I agree with everyone else, you really don't deserve any of his shit.
Stay strong - you have come such a long way in the last few years.

dittany Sun 08-Nov-09 15:45:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilyloo Sun 08-Nov-09 16:28:32

I think that is a valid point McD about looking at access arrangements again.
Although i fear him having them does help with the childcare costs you have to pay on top of everything else ! sad

HappyWoman Mon 09-Nov-09 10:48:51

McD - sorry only just caught up with this.

You rant away - there probably isnt an answer at the moment it sounds perfectly normal to me too.

I have just sat down with h and gone through diaries and got cross as it seems near impossible to get through to xmas without all the stress. We mostly are a partnership and we still cant seem to always have the childcare covered - so dont worry there.

Also dont worry about the losing it - i am sure we have all been there - and all felt shit about it.

I know you are doing the right thing by your dds in trying to keep up the access, and he knows he can still hold that against you. (as would society if you stopped it). I adored my father - it is only now that i can see that in many ways my parents were co-dependants and i think this did a lot of damage. I have no repect for my mother for staying with my dad but i know at the time i would have hated her for taking him away from me - i wonder if your exh is suggesting this to her.
I am sure as she gets older she will understand more - dont try and point out his faults to her now but instead keep a record of your version of events and never make her feel bad for wanting to ask you questions about what went on. That is one of the things i have lost respect for my mum - she seems to have 'forgotten' what our childhood was like or just does not want to talk about it - whereas my dad had/has always been very open - he can now look back and even sees his mistakes.

Always here for you McD - just call.

Lemonylemon Mon 09-Nov-09 11:16:54

McD - sorry to see that your ex is being such a pain in the arse.

To help you - not to deal with the problems, but to get them into a form so you can begin to deal with them: Write a list. Tick off the points that have been dealt with. With this list in front of you, it clears your mind a bit and stops it whirling round and round..... It will also help you to get through the list and to see things being ticked off and you not having to get worried/frustrated at it all.

Regarding his access, I'd go back to your solicitor and try and get it changed. Make another list to try and get this sorted. What dittany says is good.

But having to deal with an ex who's being a git is no fun. I feel your pain. As your DD's get a bit older, the scales will start to fall from their eyes.....

Nobody expects to be part of a fucked up disfunctional mess, but it's how you deal with it that's key.

NicknameTaken Mon 09-Nov-09 11:31:04

MacD, I also really appreciate how much support you give to others going through EA situations. You talk steady good sense, and are always so generous with your support for vulnerable people.

At the risk of being banal, a couple of points:

- absolutely get in touch with the auction house. Get rid of any joint liabilities you can, even at a loss. Might as well lose the money upfront rather than in a drip drip over the next few years

- frustration means that you still have expectations. Can you coach yourself and your DDs to expect less? Expect him to be unreliable on Mondays, factor the extra childcare into your budget, just be pleasantly surprised when he does do his share. It's not remotely fair. Don't expect it to be. Your serenity will irritate him more than anything else.

- I agree that you should look into getting access changed. Nobody should be allowed into your home so that they can freely verbally abuse you. Your older DD might be upset, but it will also teach a valuable lesson: when a man calls a woman names, the woman calmly puts an end to the situation.

cestlavielife Mon 09-Nov-09 13:19:59

ugh, sounds awful.

agree you ened to get the acess arrangemetns cahnged.

first, he should not be in you house at all. i know is difficult with it being joint names but you have the right to peaceful existence....

it is confusing for the children - yes they adore him but what messages re they getting? isnt it about them hanging on for a scrap of nice daddy behaviour, any they can get?

i see this in my dd 7 =- she told cafcass officer - i want to play with daddy and ahve nice times.

she doesnt get that, he lets her down, doesnt come to contact. but it is like she holds out for those moments....

that isnt right. it needs to be consistent.

and you cant rely on hi9m for chidlcare purposes so that needs to be taken out of equaiton -so you book the childminder anyway and if he is free he can pick them up early from there, instead of you being called at last minute.

it aint fair - but it will make your life easier....

hope you can sort finances - similar probs here with joint owned property. tho i have moved out and am renting.

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