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JEALOUSY - can't let go or move on!

(11 Posts)
Lesterlassone Fri 06-Nov-09 14:51:07

Partner and I split up several months ago (he walked away from relationship, wanting "space", no children involved, second time around for both of us). Continue trying to accept it's over - can't do the "remain friends" bit and tbh I am consumed by jealousy.

He's moving on (internet dating) but how do I get over the thoughts of new woman in our house, in MY bed, being cuddled, stroked, sexy playing around, making love together and falling asleep so close they share breath and feel heartbeats?

Please don't tell me to get out there and join the party - the thought of intimacy with anyone else right now is totally repulsive (not saying I'll NEVER be ready to love again, just so hurt and know it will take longer than a few months).

Just how do you stop those jealous feelings lurking below the surface from escalating to the point of "bunny boiler" leanings ????

poshsinglemum Fri 06-Nov-09 15:09:32

Hmm - this is hard isn't it and it does drive us all nuts for a while.

I would get out there though and try to have fun. You don't have to go on the pull. Take up a new hobby, rediscover your girlfriends,shop. Anything that makes you feel good.

Mabe make a list of all his shortcomings and thank your lucky stars that you don't have to put up with him.

There must be something wrong if you split up. TBH men do tend to move on quicker than women- it is their way of dealing with pain. I guess thet care but they don't want to show it.

I personally think that it is healthier to have a period of grieving and rediscovery after an important relationship. Instead of jumping into bed with the next available man you are rightly going through the grieving process. Ultimately you will do much better than your partner as you will learn independance, you will deal with your pain and become stronger. When you are ready you may even found someone better to do sexy things with.

It's tough but even when men move on fast it dosn't mean they weren't in love with you.

Lesterlassone Fri 06-Nov-09 15:39:45

PSmum thank you so much for the last line - that actually makes sense when everything else doesn't right now and is some small comfort to stop me feeling even worse because it could all have been lies.

Tried the "making a list" but tbh the positive far outweighs the negative and then I'm back to thinking about some other lady enjoying the "positive" .... it's just a viscious circle

Yes, agree there must have been something wrong but I'm not likely to get a truthful answer and he genuinely thought I'd be able to handle just "being friends" - like I'm supposed to feel pleased that he has/will have a new love in his life, in the way I'd be pleased for a true "friend" ???? Aargh - I simply can't bear the images & scenarios crowding my every waking moment, how do you switch off? Am I going mad here? Too many questions, no answers and honestly I am trying so many distraction techniques.

poshsinglemum Fri 06-Nov-09 15:43:53

Are you the jealous type when you are in relationships? Mabe this is something you need to work on. I think most of us are jealous actually.
If he was the right man he wouldn't have left you.
You can't be just friends witrh someone you love. He just meant to soften the blow. I'd avoid him like the plague. Just tell him you don't want to be his friend. Hard but you can let go faster.
If you are still seeing him as a friend it is not fair on you. No wonder you are so jealous of him. He can tell you about all his hot dates and you have to listen? Not good!

dittany Fri 06-Nov-09 15:48:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lesterlassone Fri 06-Nov-09 15:56:41

PSmum, you probably won't believe it but for last 30 years (yes I'm over 50 !!!) I can honestly say I've NEVER had more than a fleeting twinge of jealousy. Married for 27 years (widowed) and thought it was true love, but along comes Mr X and I behave like a teenager. The excitement getting ready for a date, the counting the hours till we meet, the list goes on ..... now I guess I'm getting the equivalent teenage green-eyed monster bit, except that I am a mature woman - independent, pretty confident, working fulltime etc - which is why I am in bits and at a loss to deal with the ever present sadness/pain of jealousy.

We've had no contact since I said can't be "just friends" 2 months ago, simply saw his profile on dating site when looking with a single girlfriend who is raring to go find another man (and it was a huge shock, even though he's technically a free agent, I know, I know).

duke748 Fri 06-Nov-09 15:59:58

I split with an ex about three years ago. He got with someone else with the week even though we had been together 3 years. In the last three years he has had THREE back to back girlfriends! I think he hopes that the next new and shiney girl will fix whatever it is that is making him unhappy. But he never stops long enough to figure out what that is. He has also never realised that HE is the common factor!!! smile

It really hurt at the time. But I took time out to wallow, took time to go out and party with my girlfriends, took time to kiss a couple of too young men and about a year later felt ready to start a relationship with my now DP. I like to think I did it the much more mature and sensible way. And I know I am not only happier than I was when I was with him ,but happier than he is now!

Try not to take too much notice of it if you can. It definately doesn't mean he didn't love and care for you. Some men just have a funny way of showing it!

Lesterlassone Fri 06-Nov-09 16:18:38

Duke - I will probably hear through the grapevine about his relationships and wonder if your comment about the next "new & shiney girl" will ring true. If so, maybe it will go a tiny way to making me feel better because I know I was honest from the start. The fact that "he" would be the common factor in failed relationships is something I've kind of missed here whilst being too enmeshed (right word?) in grief and going down the jealous path.

Again, I feel a little comfort from your bit about it not meaning I was not loved or cared for, just hard to accept that those years have gone. I do realise you can't MAKE someone love you, if that's gone from one side. Now feeling really sad but deep down would not have missed the experience of loving and sharing our time together. Just regret it couldn't have been a happy ending

MorrisZapp Fri 06-Nov-09 16:35:19

I don't think you have a problem with jealousy - I think what you're going through is just the normal grieving process that follows a relationship breakdown.

It takes time to heal. Of course if you still love him it will hurt to think of him with other people - this to me isn't jealousy, it's just how anybody would feel in that situation.

Give yourself time. Your feelings can't just be switched off like a light, it is a very gradual process.

In the meantime, be very good to yourself and do not see or contact this 'friend' again. I know it's easy to peek online but if you can avoid it all, you'll be doing yourself a big favour.

Hope you feel better soon.

Lesterlassone Fri 06-Nov-09 16:51:46

MorrisZap - Yep, I guess it's that old cliche of "time" isn't it. But how come some women (like my girlfriend, bless her) can be up for dating again when the very thought makes me shudder?

Actually I probably have the answer to that one because her ex treated her very badly and undermined her self-confidence. However, from reading other threads on similar topics, it appears there are many females who can move on in a relatively short space of time.

Believe me, I don't want to or enjoy feeling like this, just hurting badly. Back to giving it time again I suppose. Not easy when future plans/dreams have been destroyed, but I have to remind myself of the really nasty men out there who are causing untold damage to wives/girlfriends/children by their behaviour, and that puts my situation into perspective.

Thanks to all for comments and advice - if only I could find the "off" switch in my heart!

duke748 Fri 06-Nov-09 20:30:13

Try Paul McKenna's book 'I can mend your Broken Heart'. t gives you some ideas on little techniques you can use to 'fast forward' this horrible grief period, but in a healthy way.

I hope it helps.

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