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Am I being a bad wife? Need to get this off my chest!

(24 Posts)
Enthusia Thu 16-Jun-05 23:53:30

I am 26 and have been married for 2 years and with my partner for 9. We were school sweethearts and have always been very close. I know I can get jealous and our main friends are each other since we have been together so long from an early age, we have very few friends each, but have friends together and do most things together.

My DH works in prestige car sales at present but has had a variety of other jobs in the motor industry. He works long hours 8-7 most days and regularly only gets one day off a week, this can be during the week. I am a teacher and so work longish hours 7.30 - 6 most days plus some work at the weekends, so do not get days off during the week. This means we rarely spend a day together. My DH and I tend to spend our evenings chatting for half an hour, then watching tv where he then falls asleep by 9.30 - 10, so on average we get 2 to 2 and a half hours together a day. Last month he worked 21 days without a day off.

The thing is, his work regularly ask him to do things which he does out of a sense of duty etc. But this takes time out from us. I feel constantly let down. Meals have to be cancelled, visits to friends cancelled etc, most of the time this is all done at short notice. I know my DH does not enjoy all of this but he does not put his foot down and put first and I feel used and unwanted. I know he also does not get time to do things he would like, he rarely goes out and I know he would like to play football again, but work always comes first, before myself and himself.

The thing is he hates his job. He had an interview today for a better position in a different company which he is going to take, which should give his weekends back and more time off, so I should feel happy. However, he has sort of been like this in all jobs, very loyal to the company forsaking all others, and i am worried.

When we are together, we mostly have an excellent time and are still very very close. But no matter what I say or do he doesn't seem to realise how low down the pecking order I feel and how sad and unwanted it makes me. To me it is as if he will not stand up for himself or me and just rolls over at work and they all just use him, he works longer than all other salesman.

Today I feel it has hit a peak, as Dh decided to take this new job and we were meant to go out for a meal this evening and spend some time together as it was his day off and he is working the full weekend, so I will not see him for a full day for 2 weeks. However work callled and said he should be at a customer's thank you meal thing. The company made DH feel guilty so he said he'd go, cancelling the meal I hadd been looking forward to at 1pm, when I had been looking forward to it for days. When I came home I was still angry but he said he didn't want to go but had to etc, and I felt sorry for him, so eased up, even though I was really upset. He said because he didn't want to go and because it was of no real benefit he would only stay an hour or so and would definitely be back way before 11. However he did not get home til 11 and i had to wait up to let him in as he left his keys at work. I too have work tmrw. I feel let down again, esp as he seemed to quite enjoy himself.

I don't know if it is partly to do with the fact that I am 19 weeks pg with our first baby and i am more hormonal than usual, or a build up of everything, or whether this is what i am normally like, but I just couldn't take it and burst into hysterical crying when he came in, saying how much he had let me down yet again. I know it isn't as if hes been out drinking all night etc, and I know he is very loyal and sweet but I just feel so shit and walked over. He said he was really sorry and that he had let himself down, but nothing ever changes and I know he would do it again for the sake of the company. But I want to be put first, is this sooo bad?

Along with this he has a colleague who texta and rings sometimes up to 6 times an evening when DH is home, in those 2 hours a day which are ours, and although DH gets irritated he will never tell him to bugger off, or leave his mobile off.

I knoe my DH is doing these things for us, for more money etc, but I feel it is crippling our relationship, and I have told him this but nothing changes. He go so bad last month he was sick everywhere, had not slep properly for weeks but still went to work.

I do moan quite a bit to him about it now and have tried lots of ways to get my point across, as have my parents but nothing works. Am I just being a bad wife, should I be more sensitive to his needs? My mum says she thinks he can be very selfish and wrapped up in himself, but I also know he can be so caring.

I think part of the problem is that I do so much. I do the finances, all the cleaning, all the bill payments, dealing with problems, house business, all the cooking, shopping etc, as well as working full time and being PG. He goes to work and does the ironing and that is it, but he says he would like to do more but doesn't have time.

I just feel so low down on his list of priorities and I don't know what to do anymore. I love him dearly and i know he loves me but I feel stuck.

Sorry this has been long but I really needed to geet it all off my chest.

Feel bit better now, might try sleeping before the alarm goes again at 5.50 - mind you don'r feel tired now. I wonder if anyone else is out there!

s13 Fri 17-Jun-05 00:05:07

you are not being a bad wife. you need his support more than ever right now. tell him how you feel or write it in a letter for him.good luck

Enthusia Fri 17-Jun-05 00:09:41

Thankyou S13 - the letter is a good idea.

redsky Fri 17-Jun-05 03:24:29

Enthusia - brilliant posting. Seems to me you are coping with way too much. In 25 years of marriage I have twice come close to thinking that much as dh loves me, and me him, I couldn't put any longer up with him taking me so much for granted. Both times I had to very firmly and calmly explain to him that there was a very real danger of me leaving him. On both occasions the colour drained from his face and he was kind of shocked into changing his behaviour (slightly!) But it is not something you can threaten lightly - you have to sound like you really mean it, even if you know you would NEVER leave him! I do hope you can resolve this. I really feel for you.

lou33 Fri 17-Jun-05 08:48:51

I can understand how you feel about being low on his list of priorities. I have been with my dh for 17 years, married for 10. It's been like it as long as i can remember, which i came to accept, but this year we are going through a really rocky patch, and have started going to relate (see thread called "need propping up a bit). Maybe this is something you could consider doing?

Good luck x

ghosty Fri 17-Jun-05 09:06:33

Sympathies enthusia ... and hugs {{{}}}
I just had a thought that I wanted to run by you. And I am definitely NOT condoning what he does but this is the way I now see the time DH puts into work over time for me ...
Blokes tend (I say tend so as not to generalise too much) have the same priorities but with the same end ...
My DH works hard and I feel let down at times too ... especially since we had children and I am really down the pecking order now. But the thing is DH works hard FOR me and our children. His whole outlook on work changed when we had a family and I think the responsibility he faced in being a father changed his attitude. When work calls he has to go ... simple as that ... it is not that he doesn't want to be with me but he literally CAN'T ... work ask him, he feels responsible to do a good job for them and for OUR future and so he has to go and I have to swallow it.
Perhaps this is what is happening with your DH ... the prospect of being a father is huge for most guys and he wants to do the best for you and for your baby ... I remember that DH worried a lot about finances when I went on maternity leave and he went into a bit of a spin to be honest.
Our (as women) priorities tend to be more along the lines of 'togetherness' and 'lovey' stuff .... but I think a lot of men are different like that IYSWIM??

ChaCha Fri 17-Jun-05 09:48:00

Hiya Enthusia,
I agree with Ghosty. DH is all for me NOT returning to work and wants me to spend the first year with the baby, however, I know how much that is going to burden him - it will mean extra pounds that he has to find every month to cover what i was once able to. He doesn't say much and tells me everything will be okay, but I have noticed recently that he is being doing a lot more work (coming home between 8 and 10 some nights after a 7am start). When he comes home, all i want to do is talk about my day, the pregnancy, etc.. all he wants to do is have a shower, eat and relax before falling asleep! DH never puts friends before me which i am very grateful for but work does always come first - it's hard especially when you are a very close couple.
Also, like you, I am responsible for the day to days of running a home as well as work (thank god i've gone part-time) that in itself can make you feel stuck.
What about making DH a nice meal and sitting down together to discuss how you feel? I do feel for you and know what you mean exactly...Love Chacha xx

babynovice Fri 17-Jun-05 09:55:23

Hi Enthusia, I really do sympathise, it can't be easy being in your situation. It is fair enough that your dh is working hard but the hours do seem excessive - however now would be a good time to lay down some ground rules before he gets entrenched in old habits in his new job. It sounds as if he genuinely wants to spend more time with you otherwise he wouldn't want another job(?). Another thing - he really will have to be there for you more as your pregnancy progresses and especially after the baby is born....maybe he should start taking more of the household responsibilites on as it's not fair you've got all this on your plate.

Enthusia Fri 17-Jun-05 10:49:39

I feel I do try qhite hard to see my DH’s point of view about things and I know that he is not enjoying it and that it makes him ill. But even this does not stop him.

In May he worked 21 days without a day off, working 7 – 7-8 most days, some days he didn’t get in until 10. He was white, not sleeping, his eyes were grey and he was seriously stressed. He got to a point where his body couldn’t handle it and he had severe diarrhoea at work, but still wouldn’t come home, when he did get home he was a state and promptly threw up the entire contents of his stomach on the carpet. He then went to work the next day, even though he was totally drained. When I spoke to him about this he said he had to he had customers to see and that his boss would be angry with him.

During this time, things we arranged were cancelled 10 times, including seeing family for birthdays. Thing is they were all cancelled hours before, so we were letting people down. But obviously the person most let down was me. Meals he had promised were cancelled, time together etc. Two times in this people from work bailed out of things they had promised to do, so my DH was asked to do it and instead of saying that he had plans and considering other people had volunteered and they should have been made to do it, he did it instead. It got to one point where one guy said he had something on and couldn’t do something so DH cancelled our Sunday together to cover then the guy said later great thanks for that I can now make plans to go out clubbing etc. He never had anything on in the first place – we did!!!! Other times he felt guilty that a guy banned from driving because of drink driving didn’t want to get the train so DH took him, this made him 2 ours late home, home way after 10.

Other times I can see my DH has a point and does need to work, but when it is things like that, I feel really let down and as if it is ok to let me down all the time, but we couldn’t possible, not even once say no to work!

Last night another guy was praised for also working 21 days in a row at some point as if it were some kind of achievement. That guy now drinks 2 bottles of wine a night to relax, he has a bottle waiting for him in the car which he swigs from on the way home!!!!! My DH’s time put in is never mentioned though, except when he wants to take some time off when he is told he is not giving his best and can’t have the time. I know this bit will change when he changes roles, but I think a big part of the problem is my DH himself.

These things also used to happen b4 I was pg, it has just got worse. The thing is I can talk to my DH and we have discussed this numerous times, but nothing changes. I have treid angry, emotional, couldn’t be bothered etc, but he doesn’t see, to care sometimes.

I must admit this morning he was really upset that I looked so bad though. A whole nights crying with no sleep, does not bode well for the face. And he wanted to make it up so promised a meal tonight, but I have got to the point where I can’t believe him anymore. If I did believe we would go out for a meal and get all excited about it, it would only get cancelled again and I would get hurt again. I don’t think he kept a single promise about our plans for ages.

I love my DH to bits, we are very very close and talk about everything. I also know that I am very hormonal at the mo and that I am doing too much (but who else is there to do it?) and I know I am probably not being rational. But if I do nothing I am hurting myself and if I do or say something I hurt him, I can’t seem to find a win-win!

I constantly feel like a moany horrible wife, which I hate as I love supporting him, but when do I stop always supporting and get some support back. I feel I need some pamering and attention too, but there is never any time for any.

Sorry to whittle on and on, especially when I should be planning in this free lesson, but it is so on my mind at the mo. And yes I know things could change dramatically with the new job, but if my DH does not change a bit too I am scared that we may end up not togther and I really do not want that.

Enthusia Fri 17-Jun-05 10:51:04

Thank you for all the repiles by the way, I forgot to say that on my last one. It really helps airing how I feel and hearing your feedback.

maturer Fri 17-Jun-05 22:20:40

Hi Enthusia, sorry you are not getting through to your dh. It appears to me that he's lost his sense of priorities a is so easy to do so in a marriage, children, work, life kind of just gets in the way. However when it comes down to it the work the house etc are insignificant compared to you your dh and you chidren and I feel your dh needs a "shock" to renmind him of the important things in life. He's about to bring another child into the world...if he's not careful he'll miss out so much, you only get 1 chance at life and no one knows what may happen tomorrow. Have you thought of showing him this thread, does he really know your desperation? Does he realise he's in danger of losing it all if he's not careful. I speak from some sort of experience in that my dh and I went through a really tough year a year ago when he had an affair at work -which was kind of a mid life crisis thing. We both realised we'd let "life" get in the way of "us" and were both to a certain extent getting too involved in work and other things and not making time for each other. Having new babies in the family adds that extra strain so please be careful...MAKE HIM SEE what is happening, you are in danger of dfifting apart. Remind him of what bought you together in the first place. If he carries on like this before he knows it he'll have missed his children's childhood and his dw will have found someone who will appreciate her! can i suggest that you try to make 1 night a week (a set arrangement with a regular babysitter) sacrisanct- nothing gets in the way of it and you and he go out anywhere ,the local pub, a walk in the park just time to talk and remember why you are "you" together. We had that "shock" treatment (not my doing or choosing) but it happpened, and it very nearly split up our family, now I feel we are closer than before and totally appreciate the small things in life. Things like watching the kids mess about together and curling up on the couch together at the end of each day. It takes an effort to make time for each other but please do it. You obviously love and respect him very much. you are not slagging him off but seeing how he is trying to work for all of you BUT he's lost his perspective- YOU are more important, he can and must learn to say no i have to spend time with my family! It may even take you having to say ...I don't want to live like this anymore, i'm seriously considering if our marriage is working "shock" him into focusing on you. I truely hope you can work this out together, it doesn't have to be confrontational but you must make him understand the depth of your feelings and what exactly he's risking at the moment. Please keep talking to us...he sounds a good man just a bit lost in the world of work (I knew one of them too...he's back totally with us now and it's great!)Take care honey.

aloha Fri 17-Jun-05 22:36:38

This needs dealing with now. It will be much, much worse when you have a baby to add to all the other stuff you are doing. You will be a single parent in all but name and that will be horrible and hard and you will really, really resent him.
Does he have a problem with self-esteem? What was his childhood like? He seems addicted to work and to pleasing others to me - addicted in the sense that he is always promising to stop, but can't, it makes him feel bad and has negative effects on his health and his life. I think it is a very bad situation to be in and I think you are absolutely right to be concerned and to want to change this situation. You can't do it for him though. He has to want to change. Do you think he does? What do you think would make him want to change?
I'd suggest counselling but he'd probably cancel the sessions in order to work.
Have you tried being really insistent. Turn off his mobile when he gets home - hide it! Tell him that you can't live like this. Show him this thread.
I'm sure he does love you and he can't be happy either so it sounds an awful situation.

tabitha Fri 17-Jun-05 22:40:38


I don't think you're a bad wife - not at all - I don't blame you one little bit for the way you're feeling. You're having your dh's child and you (and the baby) should be his number one priority. Not some employer that would s'*t on him as soon as look at him. Believe me his boss won't show him the loyalty that he's showing them.
He sounds lovely, but a wee bit immature. I think he needs to wake up and realise what his priorities are and you need to realise that if you feel like this now (resentful etc) you'll feel ten times worse when you've got a baby to look after. For all your sakes you need to get it sorted out now. Talk to each other - don't moan but be assertive and determined. You and your baby are important and don't forget it.
Good luck.

jinglybits Fri 17-Jun-05 23:53:22

Its totally understandable how you feel. Obviously you are defensive at your parents thinking badly of the man you love also. Could be he's all in a state trying to do the right thing! you say he's a lovely guy, maybe he doesn't want to let anybody down and seeing as you are the closest to him , ironically, he puts you after the others, thinking perhaps that you'll understand the best! definately definately think you should try to write down a letter so you can clearly express how you feel without worrying that you are getting all worked up and over emotional. work and money are important concerns, particularly for a man about to have a family to support BUT if you're relationship goes down the pan then whats it all for! He needs to be more firm with his employer about getting soem personal time so that he can spend it with you, particulary as you are now pregnant and in need of some care and support. I don't think he's being careless over you, he's probably just trying to take care of the family and better your prospects as best he can, but he should beware of any company taking the mick with how much they ask of him. take care xx.

Enthusia Sat 18-Jun-05 09:05:21

Thank you so much for all your comments, it really makes you see the situation in more black and white rather than the emotional colour that blinds you when it is all going on.

The idea that he is trying to prove something and always wants to please is an interesting one and I think could be part of it. He always wants to better himself and loves being thought of as 'the best' at work, which he is. However, as you were saying at this job that doesn't really mean much, and all credit to him he has decided to chnage jobs for this reason. I am just scared that history will repeat itself big time, especially as he tries to settle down with this new company!

Last night we spoke about it a little. He was in a foul mood, really miserable as he had made me cry the night before which he said he hated and then he had had a crappy day at work, I wanted to support him so didn't have a major chat about it, but I mentioned him not being there for our child down the line, ie, sporting events, school productions etc, and he said he didn't want to be that kind of dad. He was so excited about the prospect of being a dad, but has been too busy at work to enjoy the pg bit, he keeps saying when I am larger, when it kicks, he will get more excited, but it is like putting it off. I said that this may be our only child and that he is going to miss all this pg stuff becuase of work, which is more important? And he did get the point but I feel he feels trapped.

I suppos what I want out of all this is some guarantees that at this next job things will be different. My parents had some good rules with each other when they were bringing me up which they have spoken about to us, as my Dad also worked very hard. Their main one was that between 8am on a Monday and 7pm on a Friday work had Dad, but all weekend and holidays was Mum's and the famolies. This meant that NOTHING to do with work could be done in this time. Although this too is harsh during the week at least there was time put aside that was just the families, at the mo we have nothing like this and we try and grab time together. So I suppose what I am saying is that I want some rules for the next job, does that sound too strict?

I know I am to blame for the situation as well, I always want to please and hate confrontation and so will usually do anything not to argue with DH, esp as I think that if we argue it will waste an evening of ours together. Instead I try and broach subjects carefully, or moan in jest or moan, but usually end up emotional resentful and crying on my own while he sleeps. I know I have a problem with self-esteem, which I hide very well to most, but not to my DH and family. I feel because I am not thin, blonde, carefree, confident etc that my DH will find someone more fun. He has NEVER given me any reason to think this and has always bee 100% with me and says he loves me etc and cuddles me alot when he is here. But it is always in the back of my mind that I am not good enough, and I have even thought that maybe he works long hours to get away from me. I know in my logical side this is stupid, but I get so emotional and jealous about it. I have read enough books, and seen enough things to know that if I feel this way, and if I am jealous I might push him away, but if I try to act carefree and confident etc, it is just fake and if I tell him how I feel I feel he will get bored of my moaning and find someone better, so I can't seem to be able to win.

I can be very confident, esp at work, and I can have a great time and we do laugh alot and have some real fun together when he is not stressed and I am not emotinal, but those times seem fewer now, esp during pg and with this job.

I do realise that a lot of our problems are due to both of us, not just him, but they seem so big I do not know how to get over them.

How do I make myself feel good about the way I look, act etc? How do I make myslef see that I do deserve my DH?

I go so much on what other people think of me, that even if I make a mistake when I am driving etc, I think 'What will that other motorist think of me? I hope he doesn't think I'm a bad driver.' when I know I shouldn't care.

Other things that worry me are things like the fact that we got together when my Dh was 16. We have never been with anyone else and have never had a party lafestyle, we bought are first house when DH was 18. Although DH and I have spoekn about it many times I still get worried that he might suddenly turn into a 'lad' and party all the time, do clubs etc, I know its not his style but I think, ooh what if he gives it a go and prefers that. I also think he might want to try other women, as he has never done that before. I know I too could get tempted but don't and that he is very loyal and that our sex life is usually great, but I still worry about it.

Whwn people meet us for the first time, they think we are in our 30's and have done ever since we were in our early 20's. We live in a lovely large house that we got with sales of previous houses and working bloody hard since 18. We drive very nice cars, due to the same facts, we have lived in Thailand, due to my work. We have done loads of things and people think we have this fantastic life, but I suppose we have spent since 18 working our nuts off to get it that we rarely enjoy it and are always looking for 'the next big thing.' We never really did the party teenage earlt 20's thing as we were trying to save, or trying to support various mortgages etc, and don't get me wrong, but we had a great fun, challenging time doing it and we really thrived and grew closer, but now I feel we may fall apart.

I wish I could be as open with my DH as I can be on here, it is not as if I think he doesn't know these things. But he can get so defensive and think I am getting at him all the time, when I am not, I want to air how I feel and make changes to move on. I can see it is not all him, but he thinks I am pointing the finger if I say these things, he thinks I don't trust him if I say I worry about him trying other women, rather than helping with the fact that this is my self esteem and aiding me to build this up. I get frightened about broaching things as I don't want to upset him or hurt him, so I end up trying to sort it all out in my head, or just telling him a little bit.

I know I am not perfect, but in my head somewehere is a thought that I have to be in order to keep my marriage going.

I think one of the main things that has brought all this out to me this morning is the fact that an old work friend of my DH's called yesterday. She is someone I never got on with, although I tried on our first meeting. She IS tall, blonde and thin, she has a high powered career, she is successful, she appears happy and confident, all the things I feel I have to be. I tried to get on with her on a few occasions, we even had her and her DH round for a meal, but she was so wrapped up in herself and talking to me DH that I was completely cut out of the conversation, in my house. My Dh tried to bring me back in but she would cut me out again. I appeared insignificant to her, she was more interested in herself than me. Anyway, she phoned yesterday and announced that she too is pg, 1 month ahead of me, and that she has had no sickness, no mood changes nothing, a perfect pg, whereas, I have had the sickness and hormones from hell. It is like yet again, she is doing something better than me. She is going back to work straight after her baby is born as she is the main breadwinner by a long way, and I know that I would not like this and this is not perfect, but everything else seems to be. I know that other people who know her, feel about her the same way I do, even blokes who used to work with her warned my DH that she can be two faced, very selfish etc, so I don't think I am making all of her up out of jealousy, but I do feel intimidated and less of a good wife in comparison.

All of these things mixed together, make our household a very hard place to be at the moment. At one end I am angry with DH becuase of his lack of commitment at home, but then at the other end I feel why would he want to be here anyway.

The thing is I KNOW I am a good wife, I always try and support him, always give him emotional support, always tell him he is loved and wanted, I always try and satidfy him physically, rarely say no to his needs (this is usually not an issue anyway though as I have a high drive), I always make sure the house is clean, shopping is bought, meals are cooked, paperwork is sorted, finances are sorted, the house organised, the future planned for. I try to be happy and not moan, I enjoy oir time together.

But suddenly it doesn't feel like enough!

I would love to show this to DH but would be worried about his reaction. He may say that I have blown things out of all proportion or that things did not happen the way I have stated or that I have made things up, but it is from my point of view, and I am not sure if he would like that and think he might get angry.

Do I sacrifice more of our time together where we could have a lovely evening just to provoke a war, silence, miserable mood or whatever else?

Please help!!!!

edam Sat 18-Jun-05 10:11:21

If you don't want to show him the thread, how about writing down everything you've said here and giving it to him as a letter?

babynovice Sat 18-Jun-05 10:53:25

Hi Enthusia, wow there is alot of stuff going on in your head. whether all these issues were there before you got pg or not, maybe they have become magnified as you're adjusting to the VERY big deal that you're going to be a mum. I know that when I was pg with a very much wanted and waited for baby I was quite shocked at the emotional rollercoaster - I'm sure it's normal to feel vulnerable and insecure at this time especially as you don't feel your dh is as involved in the whole thing as you. As he said he will feel like it's really happening once there is something tangible there like baby kicking and huge will take both of you time to get your heads around becoming parents.
Forget about this other woman, so what if she seems to have it all.....maybe she does, maybe she doesn't but don't waste another minute wishing you were someone else

tallulah Sat 18-Jun-05 11:33:31

Enthusia- don't want to worry you but you need to sort this out now. My Dh is like this- work comes first- & it doesn't get any better. In some of his previous jobs he went into work during his leave to "make sure everything was alright"!!!! I had to insist that we actually went away in future so that he couldn't get there.

He can't get home early enough in the morning some days, so the children are late for school. He has time though, to give someone a lift home & detour via their house WTF... We had a big row when I said he should put our family first, but he won't. he's been like this for 22 years so he isn't going to change. Basically you have to decide whether you can put up with it or not.

madmarchhare Sat 18-Jun-05 11:52:19

In a simillar 'dont want to worry you but...' do you think there could be something bothering him thats hes not mentioning? Other than that, when does the new job start? and when it does, dont fall for any of this 'well, its a new job and I need to make a good impression etc etc..' as you are going to need him around more than ever when the baby arrives.

jinglybits Sun 19-Jun-05 00:24:07

its difficult, if you attack dh he could feel very put out especially if he sees himself as working hard for all your sakes but then again take it from me there are going to be big arguements if you feel he is not around much when the baby comes, with all the huge demands placed on you you could end up very resentful so i do really advise you to try to talk it through now to get it at least someway resolved and compromised or at least have your opinion understood and hear him out as to why he behaves as he bear in mind though that hormones could be making you extra emotional so try if possibly to mull over anything that is said before raging..or then again don't! it's his baby you're carrying so he can take a little raging from you!
Regarding self esteem...i had a 6yr relationship from 16-22, living with for 3years and too always felt insecure at the back of my mind (we were both each others first time too) and i started to wonder if he wanted to experience other women/a more hedonistic lifestyle. its all a long story but basically nobody can give you self esteem or self confidence it comes from yourself. you love the man, you're with him, you're building the future don't waste time worrying he wants someone else, he's with you! you're not going to leave him over an unfounded worry so why let it be a part of your relationship, it does nothing for you so let it go! if you fancy being blonde, be blonde for a while, you'll probably prefer your old look and then that will be that! plenty of men like blondes and plenty like brunettes/red-heads etc, just think about it from your point of view and the type of man you like. perhaps you're just feeling insecure because life is about to change monumentously forever and you're feeling alone because your dh is not around. from my experience its taken a year after the birth of my ds to feel more like me again since the pregnancy started! see how much stronger you will feel at your childs 1st birthday knowing how much you have achieved in the past 21mths since their conception! you're going to be absolutely fine! ...funny what you say about feeling you're in the wrong with other drivers, i too used to be very mild and self-effacing but since having ds i am shocked how much more anger i have inside me! i was always miss calm and chilled out but who knows where all this aggression is coming from but if anyone messes with me now they know about it! ..perhaps its the sleep deprivation or some sort of mother preservation!!! anyway thats a whole other subject! xxx. big hugs...take good care of yourself

haven Sun 19-Jun-05 06:16:51

i have to say, most of dh and my arguments are because of the same thing. i have to constantly remind myself that he is doing it for me!

i get so sad sometimes because i miss him. he is home everynight and in bed, but never enough time to wind down and enjoy.

i understand {{hugs}}totally. i think sometimes you have to remind yourself this is much better than a man that doesn't want to work.

Enthusia Sun 19-Jun-05 11:16:55

Thank you jiglybits and haven for your thoughts.

Last night I printed out what I had written on here and gave it to Dh. As I suspected none of it was a shock to him, which was good, but I think reading it all in one go like that, rather than in little bits may have helped him to understand. He didn't really say much, but turned off his mobile so he couldn't be contacted and we spent the evening together. He wasn't his usual self but I really think work is getting to him.

What I hope will happen now is that when he starts the new job he will keep in mind what was in my letter and we will work something out.

I feel better now that he has read what I said, even if I did not get much of a response. I know he tends to think on things over a period of a day or so, so may say something tonight when he has mused on it. Either way, we did not have a row, but I said what I needed to. Here's hoping for a happier time from now on.

As for my problems, unfortunatly or fortunatly as you care to see it, I have a very even mix of my parents in me. This means I have a wild uncontrollable emotional side from my Mum (who has had major emotinal difficulties and depression) mixed with a highly logical side from my Dad. This means when I am emotional it is like having an 'out of body' experience as I can see how I feel and what I am saying, but part of me is telling me to grow up! I have a constant raging battle between the two sides! I am going to try just not to worry so much, even if I only manage a day. Just when a worry about myself etc, comes into my head I will acknowledge it but not ponder, analyse and break it down to try and understand it. I feel this may help me to stay focused and not get worked up about everything.

I mean I am in an excellent situation as my DH does care for me a great deal and had never done anything really to harm me intentionally. We are still very close and lovey dovey and I have a lot to be thankful for.

I never realised being pg would be so hard and am quite hard on myself as I feel I should be enjoying it and sailing through it. I think I will also try and let up a bit on myself in that area and just go with the flow. It is just so hard for me to see that it is not all my fault and that I am not to blame for what is happening.

If I don't give myself a break though I can see that things are only going to get worse, and I may never be happy.

As my DH said last night he has no idea why I got the notion into my head that I have to be perfect to be loved, as he certainly doesn't want that and loves me for who I am, emotions and all.

Thank you again for all your advice I will keep you posted!

edam Sun 19-Jun-05 11:30:06

Can you compromise on something like 'every Weds night is family night and weekends are sacrosanct - NOTHING interferes with that.' So he can give work all his attention and work late if he wants four nights a week but you know definitely that he WILL be there at those times?

I really don't think he understands how much he will be needed when your baby arrives. You will need to physically and mentally recover from the birth; and newborns need care and attention 24 hours a day. If he's not around to support you, at the very least you'll resent him and it risks destroying your relationship and preventing him from developing a relationship with his child. Or maybe even tipping you into PND. He needs to sort his priorities out. The 'but I'm doing it all for you' excuse is a common one that men use. But they are actually doing it for their own reasons - to prove they are successful, or needed, or to feel important, or just because they enjoy their jobs. He can get that sense of purpose from being a good parent and partner - he just needs to move his focus from work to what's really important.
There's a line about nobody says on their deathbed 'oh, I wish I'd spent more time at the office.' But they might regret not being around for their kids.

jinglybits Sun 19-Jun-05 13:12:54

i know exactly what you mean about the emotional/logical mix...have personally come to see it as having my own therapist inside of me! think one of the best pieces of life advise is 'be your best friend' look at your issues as if you were looking at a friend and take the advice you would dole out to her.Also a relatively new thing i've realised is that its not about what happens to you its the way you look at it and perceive it that affects how you feel...i.e if you lost your job you could feel unappreciated/bad or you could see it as life pushing you to try a new job/take a different direction. Guess what i'm saying is you have the freedom to see your dh/yourself exactly as you choose to, i.e you could think he's never here he cares more for work or he works so hard because he cares so much

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