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ex-wife contact

(19 Posts)
mermer1 Thu 05-Nov-09 20:58:22

Hi all. I wondered if anyone could help clear my head - give me some advice - tell me if I'm wrong. I'm feeling really fed-up with my relationship situation. My husbands ex-wife, with who he has a child, I think is in contact just too often. I know they have to be in contact and I don't have a problem with that. However they do see each other twice a week on pick up and drop off days but there also are texts pretty much everyday from his ex. Yes each time they are about their child but it seems she has something new to text about each day. I tried to speak to him to say, I didn't think it was quite necessary and couldn't he speak to her saying that anything important or that couldn't wait, to get in touch fine but if it wasn't urgent etc couldn't it be something they discussed when they saw each other. The thing is I've always been fair, I even agreed to a double christening when my son was christened with their son because he wanted to be christened too and we all stood there together, when we went on our honeymoon both children came and phone calls to her and regular texts(ended up being everyother day - I still thought that was excessive but left it) to say step son was ok were agreed. I just don't think that they need to be in contact so often over things that can be discussed when they meet. Bearing in mind this is on the back end of the usual ex agro - criminal damage, letters, name much to go on about can't even be bothered to mention it . What has upset me the most though is that when I've spoke to my DH about this he says he can't see the problem and I always end up feeling like a jealous girlfriend, he dismisses my feelings or for me to be able to talk it through with him. Am I wrong???

Snorbs Thu 05-Nov-09 21:22:30

It's difficult to say without knowing a bit more detail. Can you give an example of what kinds of things are in these texts? And does your DH reply?

mrsboogie Thu 05-Nov-09 21:56:37

ehm..ok. I'm just going to go ahead and ask: how did he have a baby with you and her at the same time? and did her baby go on honeymoon with you and him and your baby?

Awhowcutewhentheysleep Thu 05-Nov-09 22:35:28

I was just about to ask the same thing?

And how old are the kids?

Personally,I think its too much. Does he reply to her. What is the contents of message to and from?

And if its upsetting you surely he should stop it or at least tell her once between his contact is enough.And as for the honeymoon....what the hell are you doing taking his other child. Your honeymoon is supposed to be for you two,I would even go as far as to say you shouldn't have taken either child.

He needs to get his priorities right, You and his kids, not pander to her. He divorced her and choose you. Ask him if he'd like the situation reversed. I can guarantee he'd make you choose.

I hope he bucks his ideas up. You're not being unreasonable. Well thats my opinion.

Rindercella Thu 05-Nov-09 22:40:58

Double christening shock

His child going on honeymoon with you shock

Leaving out the amount of daily contact he has with his ex, those two things alone are pretty shocking and to me show blurred boundaries.

almostabutterfly Thu 05-Nov-09 22:50:47

Ok, I'm coming at this as the ex-wife...I have two young daughters with my exH.

Although we see each other twice a week when he collects them, things do often crop up that require me to text or call him that can't wait. For example, earlier today my older daughter was told that she will have a speaking part in her class assembly tomorrow which her dad wasn't planning on going to but I thought he'd be disappointed to have found out afterwards that she'd been in it and he hadn't had the chance to try to get away from work.

At other times contact with ExH may be about pick up times (which tend to fluctuate as he works away a lot). Also, when the girls go away with their dad on holiday I speak to them every other day (the girls, not their dad) and I don't think that is "excessive" really. Especially when they are doing fun stuff that they really want to tell me about, and quite frankly, we miss each other! smile

All that said, messages between me and exH are business-like and not at all "chatty", and it has crossed my mind that he may be with his girlfriend and that she may be feeling resentful of me calling/texting the person that is now her partner.

It is a real shame that your partner doesn't let you talk to him about it. I am always very open with my DP about contact I have with my ex - he's typically in earshot during phone calls and text messages are not hidden if he ever did want to look (seriously doubt he would). I would hate to think he was feeling jealous or anxious about something like this and if he were to ever feel upset I know that I would make changes or do what I could to allay his fears.

You can't let this ruin your happiness though and you need to get it sorted as she isn't going to go away.

WundaWumman Thu 05-Nov-09 22:51:46

Don't you expect your DH to be interested in every little thing your DS does? Surely he can't be expected to commit 100% to one son and only take an interest in the other when it's a Wednesday or a Saturady for instance? Even if the texts are about trivial things then he is still a dad to another child so should be involved IMO. You could look at trying to kerp the contact with exW - perhaps a phonecall each evening would be better than texts when ever she feels like it?

MadameDefarge Thu 05-Nov-09 22:52:11

well, i don't know. I speak to my exp whenever I need to. Daily. every other day, whatever. as they get older there is just more organising and admin to do. My DP wouldn't blink if I talked to exp several times a day if I needed to.

But as for the OP, seems there is a back history there which might explain why she resents what I regard as a perfectly normal interaction.

meltedchocolate Thu 05-Nov-09 22:58:03

OP says her son was being christened and other kid wanted to be christened too. Old enough to say 'me too' = not same age as their own son.

2rebecca Fri 06-Nov-09 00:05:01

As long as the texts are about the child I don't see the problem. I frequently text my ex about our kids, my current husband wishes his ex told him more about his kids, he has a battle for contact. Imagine if your kid lived with someone else. Wouldn't you want to feel you were still involved in parenting?
Different if his ex relied on him for emotional reasons and regularly rang him in tears or wanted him to comfort her. If it's nonemotional kid stuff it's not a threat to your relationship and helps his relationship with his kid so don't fuss.

SolidGoldBangers Fri 06-Nov-09 12:02:09

As he has a child with his XW she is never going to be out of your famly lives. She is family - she's your H's son's mother. That he wants to keep an amicable relationship with her is a good thing, not a bad one, it shows he is putting his son's best interests first.

MorrisZapp Fri 06-Nov-09 13:49:10

If the texts are always about their kid then I think it's fine. As another poster said, you expect your DP to be 100% in your own child's life, yet only two days a week in his other child's life.

Childhood is endless small stuff isn't it. If one parent doesn't hear all the small stuff then they aren't really an involved parent.

How does your DH feel about it - does he huff and puff and go 'oh no, what now?' etc or does he pick up the text, take an interest and text back?

If you didn't live with your child, how often would you expect to have contact by text?

WhenwillIfeelnormal Fri 06-Nov-09 14:32:04

I suspect that there is more to this than meets the eye, if there has also been aggravation as serious as criminal damage, but as a general principle - no, I do not think it's excessive.

On a few occasions, my kids have gone away with their friends' families on a short break. It wouldn't occur to me not to be in contact with them *every day*. The same happens when we take their friends on holiday - they speak to their parents every evening. Without knowing the age of your H's first child, it's difficult to say how that contact should be made, but presuming the child is too young to impart information to Dad, even daily texts about the child seem perfectly normal to me.

I agree wholeheartedly with SGB. This woman will always be a part of your life and I always think it's helpful in these situations, to walk in her shoes, or indeed as Morris said, your DH's.

Martha1 Fri 06-Nov-09 14:50:04

I get upset that my DPs exWife is texting up to 20 times a day but these responses have put it in perspective a little bit - contact is to be expected and I guess it would help him feel more involved as a parent.

NanaNina Sat 07-Nov-09 19:12:54

I think one of the problems is the nature of texts. They are by definition secretive as only the recipient can see them. If it was a phone call at least you would hear one side of the conversation and could sort of glean what it was about. I am not in the position of the OP at all but I sometimes wonder who is texting my P. He uses his mobile a lot and I often hear the noise to say a text has arrived and wonder who it is. Sometimes I ask and sometimes I don't bother and he is always happy to tell me. I have absolutely no notion that the texts are anything other than "normal" communications but there IS something secretive about all texts in my opinion.

I wonder if this is the problem for the OP- just a thought.

ElenorRigby Sat 07-Nov-09 19:50:53

Can't help but this is significant...
"the usual ex agro - criminal damage, letters, name much to go on about can't even be bothered to mention it"
Hey I'm a step mum who hasn't suffered any of the above, so was wondering if you could say more about this, even if is not worth mentioning.
As for the txts, IMO they should be as often as is needed ie when the child is ill, having difficulties etc Not every day...
How old are the children involved?
How long was he with his ex wife?
How long have you been together?

OrangeFish Sat 07-Nov-09 20:00:27

Well, I had a very relationhip with my ExH and we used to talk on the phone relatively often (as muchas you describe) and all was about DS.

Everything was going well, DS was almost unaffected by the divorce, people used to tell that our divorce was the perfect example on how to end up a long term relationship without damaging the child and each other on the process.

Until exH's new partner arrived thinking, like you, that it was too much. Now exh doesn't even pick up the phone, doesn't repond to messages even if they are related to DS' health. The old friendly thing to be able to pick up the thing when DS wanted to talk to his dad is now well gone. He just doesn't pick up. DS is so affected, his health is getting worse and emotionally DS is in pieces.

So yes, I think you are very very wrong, mostly because I'm sure that you would like this man to be like towards you and the son you have together, if you ever split.

The fact that he communicates about his son, shouldn't make you feel insecure about your relationship with him.

OrangeFish Sat 07-Nov-09 20:01:48

Someone please convince to get a wired keyboard... can't believe how many words are missing there shock

autumnsun Sun 08-Nov-09 22:11:14

I think the main issue here is that the ExW is doing all the texting. You don't say how old the child is but my DH has always maintained contact with SS and SD directly with them, phoning twice a day when they first split (the children were 8 and 5), and now, five years on its roughly every other day, to catch up on whats going on at school etc. We have them every other weekend and some of the school hols too.

He and his Ex only communicate when arrangements have to be changed or a problem arises etc.

It sounds as though you feel SHE is making excuses to be in touch which I agree is unreasonable. Do you think she has a hidden agenda?

Could your P contact the children directly?

Hope this helps.

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