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What do you think

(22 Posts)
flowerbag Thu 05-Nov-09 14:26:16

This is quite long so please be paitent. I have been married for 7.5 yrs and with my husband 15.5 yrs. We have 2 children and another on the way.

We have had our ups and downs but recently more downs.

There has always been something between us. My husband thinks I had a bit of a past before I met him as when I started seeing him I told him all about my past relationships even going into detail. I know now it was a mistake but I thought I wanted him to know all about me. He also thinks that I two timed him while I was at College as I shared a bed with a male friend, nothing happened between us and we were not attracted to each other, thats why we thought it was a good idea. I told my husband as I knew if he heard about it he would get the wrong end of the stick. He went mad at the time but then said he believed what I told him.

Now 14 years on he is bringing it up and telling me what a slut I was and making remarks about keeping my knickers on. When he gets like this he does not care if the kids hear him and I know they will soon understand what he is saying. He appears quite agressive waving his fists about and has grabbed my arm when I tried to walk away leaving a bruise on it.

He can sometimes be aggressive with ds (3) waving his fist and biting his finger (dh's own) while giving out to him. He has never hit him but it is very upsetting.

When things are good they are great he is a great provider and we can go 2 months without a mention of my past. Do you think I am making too much of this

mumblechum Thu 05-Nov-09 14:28:08

Good grief, he's still going on about something that happened 15 years + ago BEFORE YOU WERE TOGETHER???

He needs to get a grip, sounds like he has some deep issues and he needs to work them through with a counsellor

overmydeadbody Thu 05-Nov-09 14:33:45

You are not making too much out of this, he is.


He has some serious issues if he's still going on about things from that long ago!!

WhenwillIfeelnormal Thu 05-Nov-09 15:15:26

Look, what this boils down to is respect - or lack of it. Any man who speaks to his wife in this way, calling her a slut etc. does not respect her and it is a form of abuse. It is absurd for him to expect you to have had no sexual history with anyone else before you met him and I suspect, would not be the standards he would apply to himself. This man sounds like he has got deep-rooted problems with women - and female sexual behaviour in particular.

It is certainly not acceptable that your children are going to pick up on these frankly ridiculous views and the more serious issue of him treating you with so much contempt.

Unless you can get him unpacked by a therapist pretty damned quickly (and I guess we'll have to give you the benefit of the doubt that he does have redeeming qualities) I'd be ending this relationship, if not for my own sake, for my children's.

Please don't delude yourself that he is being abusive - and I am so sorry for your plight.

What's his family history - relationship with mother/sisters/other females? This might at least give you an insight into why he has ended up with these views about women.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Thu 05-Nov-09 15:16:37

Should read - please don't delude yourself that he is not being abusive.

flowerbag Thu 05-Nov-09 15:42:55

His Mother is quite controlling. She pretends to listen to other peoples views but then does her own thing. He has one sister they used to be pretty close but have drifted in recent years, she lives a bit away. However,if she falls out with her husband and tells dh he thinks her husband is in the wrong. Also,I was a virgin when I met him and told him this he now says that he knows I was lying

SolidGoldBangers Thu 05-Nov-09 15:46:21

Ok so do some research about the financial, practical aspects of separating so you know the facts (information is power but you don't necessarily have to act on the information). Then tell this man that he needs to start behaving in a civilised manner, or he can leave the house. To give him the benefit of the doubt he may be devloping a mental illness if he has recently got a lot worse, but TBH he sounds potentially dangerous.

cestlavielife Thu 05-Nov-09 16:00:37

he has bruised you - was he sorry? shocked?

he is aggressive with 3 year old why?
what has 3 year old done?

two months between incidents? doesnt make it ok...

read the cycle of abuse
www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/dynamics.htm

"great provider" does not entitle him to behave this way.

flowerbag Thu 05-Nov-09 16:17:40

He was very shocked that he bruised me and was disgusted with himself, he acts aggresively to our 3 year old if our 3 year old is naughty and sometimes my dh can't seem to handle it.He says he hates feel liking that and wants to change he has been to see a hypnotherapist who frankly I think made him worse as she blamed the whole thing on stress. I know he's stressed but this is going on too long but has got worse within the last year

cestlavielife Thu 05-Nov-09 16:26:54

what specifically does 3 year old do that is "naughty"?

might he be copying his dad's behaviour?

(you can apply an ABC chart to your H 's behaviour - as well as to your ds's behaviour to try an analyse what you can change - and what H could change ....

with the child you work on A and C to stop B.

but B is in your H's control as he is an adult...
-
antecedent ( something triggers a behaviour - what? eg it is bedtime / eat up your dinner etc to child; something makes your H think of the event 14 years ago...)

behaviour (ds is naughty but what specifically/H's behaviour )

consequence (what happens next? what is your response? are there any consequences to your H ? or for you or your son? can you change this part? )

flowerbag Thu 05-Nov-09 20:14:12

He has also asked me to do a lie detector test to prove I was a virgin when we met. I have told him that this is crazy but he still insists upon it.

SolidGoldBangers Thu 05-Nov-09 20:39:03

Tell him to get a grip: basically his behaviour is neither normal nor acceptable. HE is the one with the problem, and you have to be very clear with him that you will not tolerate his bullying the rest of the family: he either sorts himself out or he leaves.
It doesn;t matter if you slept with an entire rugby club before you were married, you are not property and having sex is not bad or wrong (how is your sex life with him by the way? Is he rubbish, by any chance?)

WhenwillIfeelnormal Thu 05-Nov-09 20:48:54

Goodness me OP. I don't think he needs a hypnotherapist - a psychiatrist possibly...

Did you know he had these extreme views about female sexuality when you entered into a relationship with him? Please tell us if this is a cultural/religious issue too - this might help our understanding.

If those restrictions do not apply - to either of you - I cannot for the life of me see what your past life has got to do with him - and why he puts so much prize on you having been a virgin - was he?

There's enough in your sad posts to suggest that you should consider getting away from this man. I would absolutely hate my children to grow up with these archaic views of women - and to learn that it is acceptable to treat women with such utter contempt.

Callisto Thu 05-Nov-09 21:12:34

He sounds barking mad to me - a lie detector test ffs? What on earth is he on? This is in no way your problem but getting him to see it is his problem may be very difficult. Has he been like this for 15 years or has it slowly got worse?

Also, a 'bit of a past' is not being a virgin when you meet your life-partner. A bit of a past is shagging as many men as you can lay your hands on.

flowerbag Sat 07-Nov-09 12:43:02

We've just had a talk and I showed him the posts. He was shocked at everybodys opinion of him because he did think he had a reason to feel the way he did. I think it really brought it home to him how wrong he is when he saw so many different opinions.

Anyway, he says he is really sorry and is going to his GP on Thursday for some advice and help. He said that he never cosidered it abuse but can see now that it is and is disgusted with himself.

My question is do you think its possible for him to change with the right help. I have told him there is nothing between us until he changes and he is moving out until he gets help. I really want our marraige to work

Avendesora Sat 07-Nov-09 20:20:49

People who want to change can change, those that dont wont, only time will tell.

poshsinglemum Sat 07-Nov-09 20:35:30

He definately needs a check up from the neck up.

Why the fixation on virginity.

Please get out. He sounds like a jealous nutter to me!

Fabster Sat 07-Nov-09 20:51:40

Was he a virgin when you got together?

flowerbag Sun 08-Nov-09 17:55:11

Yes he was a Virgin

mumblechum Mon 09-Nov-09 12:42:43

Were you both very young, then?

LaurieScaryCake Mon 09-Nov-09 12:49:43

What everyone else says plus are you sure he's not cheating on you - it's very common for the cheating partner to try and deflect attention by focusing on the supposed infidelities/past history of a partner.

And yes, you are being abused.

PerArduaAdNauseum Mon 09-Nov-09 12:55:35

To answer your last question flowerbag - yes, if he wants to make the change, he can with the right support. I would also suggest that maybe you should look at your own behaviour too - are you perhaps in too much of a habit of giving in to him, or letting him get away with rudeness/lack of respect?

If he's genuinely going to address his behaviour - with support from the GP and hopefully some proper counselling, then this is an opportunity for you to set some new boundaries for your future relationship - where you never again have to defend something you did or didn't do 15 years ago, or be frightened for the safety of your DC.

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