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how do i deal with this - he doesn't behave like a father

(13 Posts)
avariceandlatinos Wed 04-Nov-09 13:04:12

I don't know what to do next, or how to handle this one.

I was in a good relationship until unplanned pregnancy, partner went awol during the pregnancy, came back and said he wanted to 'work things out'.

However, baby is now 3 months old. He won't babysit (she screams at him) and he says he hasn't bonded with her.

He goes out with his friends almost every night, sometimes coming back at 1/2am in the morning (at least he comes back) i almost feel like he's only here because it's a cosy bed and i'll cook for him and i do all the housework.

We never do anything together and he doesn't like going out in public with the baby because he feels embarassed because he doesn't really want her. I'm hiring a babysitter tomorrow night so that we can but it feels forced.

I eventually told him that's it, it's over, we can't just 'work at it' because it's stressing me out so much, you're in or out. I packe dhis things for him. He came back that evening with hugs and cuddles asking me to give it a go and he didn't want to lose us, but nothings changed.

I feel sick, nervous, stressed all the time and just put on a brave face, but it's making me tetchy all the time. I finally got up the courage to tell him that him going out all the time really upsets me and he said he was nagging and i'm certain my getting at him made things much worse, i even told him that i don't mind him going out, i just want him to try to work on our relationship too. What he now does is says he's going to work, which i never quite believed, broke my moral code and shock horror looked at his text messages, and the dates...basically he wasn't working late, he was arranging meetings with friends, on the weekends mostly too. He's even been on daytrips to london etc and not told me. Most of these texts are to a russian woman; i know she recently broke up with her boyfriend for cheating with another man, i hope he wasn't bending the truth on that and the other man was him lol! He is adamant he would never cheat, i'm enclined to believe him, but i do not doubt he might foster a 'security' relationship. The text show a great deal of familiarity.

There are texts from other friends saying 'have you got rid of her yet?' and ones that suggest to me he's telling most people, including his family (he's not let his parents see our daughter) that we're not together, and that he's telling some friends, like the russian, we're trying to work things out but that i'm being difficult/treating him badly etc! lol, this is the man who walked out on me when i was pregnant and won't even go out in public with his daughter. I'm a little incensed because i am not an argumentative or nagging person, i've never put limits on him or asked anything except for mutual respect and love.

Every morning he wakes up miserable. I try to make him happy but i can't.

Thing is, if i break up with him, i can't afford the rent for me and her, etc. And i feel like all my dreams are over and he'll just blame me for everything that has happened instead of things just going back on track towards the happy future we planned.

How can i get him to respect me again? Love me again? Should i jsut leave things and see how they go? I guess i don't want to be hurt again, waiting for the day he says that he's met someone else and wants a go with her, maybe he'd like to see our daughter twice a year, byebye, and by the way i've told everyone your a monster and that makes me look good for walking out. er...hm, i don't know what to do.

Lemonylemon Wed 04-Nov-09 13:09:47

My ex did exactly the same. I left, taking DS with me. Never looked back.

colditz Wed 04-Nov-09 13:11:30

You can't. You can't make him do anything.

I would take your daughter round to see his parents on your own. And I would dump him entirely, because does she really deserve to be raised by a man who can't bear to be in the same room as her?

I's not a case of "He'll just blame me" - he already has blamed you. It's not a case of losing him - you already have lost him, and trust me you've lost nothing.

He sounds like an unbearable twat. Throw him out and apply for housing benefit - is your rent very expensive for the area? You might find you'd get more help than you think. Seriously, your situation is untenable. It takes two people to make a relationship, not one who's trying really really hard.

VinegarTitsOnFire Wed 04-Nov-09 13:12:07

Wake up and smell the coffee, you wont get him to respect and love you because he doesnt, he is treating you like a doormat and basically living another life outside of your home that you dont know about, lying to you about working and telling people you are not together, he doesnt want to be with you but like you say, its a warn bed and someone to cook for him

Please do yourself a favour and get rid of him, you will be entitled to help, benefits wise for you and your dd to continue living were you are

2babyblues Wed 04-Nov-09 13:26:59

I agree with the above posters.

I know it is hard but from what you have said I think that the relationship is over. He has no respect for you, when you have a child both parents need to be parents or it won't work out. You would be better off alone without him dragging you down.

Why don't you visit a citizens advice bureau and find out what benefits you are entitled to. I am sure you would be entitled to housing benefit so rent shouldn't be a problem. Make a plan on how you could live without him and then take steps to carry it out when you are ready. Try and put yourself in control of the situation. There is no point in trying to get him to change as you have given him enough chances.

Best of luck with everything. Be strong, take control of the situation. Don't let this carry on or you will feel worse in the long run. Thinking of you xxxx

2babyblues Wed 04-Nov-09 13:27:59

I agree with the above posters.

I know it is hard but from what you have said I think that the relationship is over. He has no respect for you, when you have a child both parents need to be parents or it won't work out. You would be better off alone without him dragging you down.

Why don't you visit a citizens advice bureau and find out what benefits you are entitled to. I am sure you would be entitled to housing benefit so rent shouldn't be a problem. Make a plan on how you could live without him and then take steps to carry it out when you are ready. Try and put yourself in control of the situation. There is no point in trying to get him to change as you have given him enough chances.

Best of luck with everything. Be strong, take control of the situation. Don't let this carry on or you will feel worse in the long run. Thinking of you xxxx

AnyFucker Wed 04-Nov-09 13:30:47

you are already a single parent

with a leech of a hanger-on

he is a cocklodger and you need to get rid of him pronto

go to the CAB and make sure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to

it is possible you will get your rent paid for the present time

if not, ask for help from friends and family

he sounds fucking awful, and honestly, he does not deserve you and your dd

oh, and stop sleeping with him right now

mrsboogie Wed 04-Nov-09 13:43:13

Oh good god. Read your post back and pretend it was written by someone else. What would you say to her?

This man is using you, nothing more. He doesn't want your child therefore he doesn't want you and you have NO future together as things stand. From what you say of him, this is a good thing for you and your daughter. He is a total waste of space. How could you love that? What do you think will ever change?

Dump him now and get some self respect. He is clearly telling people that he wants rid of you. And as for the Russian woman - if he isn't shagging her he will be shagging someone else soon enough.

You cannot subject your precious baby to this kind of treatment. Just wipe him from your existence until and unless he grows up and takes responsibility. Move on and find happiness with an actual man - rather than this selfish, spineless twerp.

MaggieMonday Wed 04-Nov-09 13:46:51

Anyfucker has said it already

"you are already a single parent

with a leech of a hanger-on

he is a cocklodger and you need to get rid of him pronto

go to the CAB and make sure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to

it is possible you will get your rent paid for the present time

if not, ask for help from friends and family

he sounds fucking awful, and honestly, he does not deserve you and your dd

oh, and stop sleeping with him right now."

One more thing, don't be afraid of being a single parent. It's only a bad adjustment if you lose a man worht having. This adjustment will be a life improvement. Try not to fear it.

ElenorRigby Wed 04-Nov-09 13:51:36

avarice my DP didnt bond with DD until she was approaching 2.
Guess what, he never stopped trying, even though he found it very difficult.
He didnt piss off to the pub or any such nonsense.
Instead he took himself to a parenting class.

You could work your way through this situation if your P at least tried. From what you have written your P isnt trying one bit.
The txts are the final dealbreaker imo.
Hard enough raising a baby without be sucked dry by someone who is giving you no respect or consideration.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 04-Nov-09 14:41:45

He'll never love you or respect you. You can't make him. Might as well try to make the sky green - he is what he is (a useless, immature twat with no respect for you)

FGS STOP trying to make him happy. What does he do to make you happy?

You can leave. Presuming he works you will get money from him through the CSA, housing benefit, income support, tax credits, council tax benefit, child benefit. A non working single parent with a child under 7 could expect to have their rent and council tax paid, plus approximately 120 a week to live on. Not a fortune but doable. Plus maintenance is not considered for benefits I don't think.

Get to your local housing dept if you are really broke and throw yourself on their mercy (assuming you aren't living in a jointly owned property). Or get money from his bank account to put down as a deposit if you can.

Don't stick this for any longer. You and your DD deserve more.

SolidGoldBangers Fri 06-Nov-09 12:07:37

The minute you are rid of him, you will start feeling better. Trying to 'make' someone love you is not only futile but extremely bad for your mental health, and utterly exhausting. It might help to think that if you hadn't had DD you would have dumped this nobber by now anyway, because while it's often workable, sort of, to be in a relationship with a selfish immature man when you're child free (because you can give in to him, indulge him and put him first at all times) and the relationship then falls apart when the baby arrives, it's also true that women who don't get PG with wastes of oxygen like him often see the light after a while and decide that they can't be bothered with such a man any more.
You have nothing to lose by binning him expect extra work picking up after him and feeding him.

SueMunch Fri 06-Nov-09 12:20:39

Avarice, there is an expression used where I live and it is quite simple:

Fock him off!!

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