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Soo angry at OW's text

(95 Posts)
helpmeoutofthismess Wed 04-Nov-09 00:09:46

Apologies if this comes up twice- having computer probs.

Basically my H who left me 3 months ago following an affair, has recently told me he'd like to work on our marriage and asked if I'll take him back.

We have a 9 month old DD who we both absolutely adore and we have really bonded over her and despite everything there is still a deep affection between us and we spend alot of time together despite being "separated." We were together for 10 years before his affair.

The problem is, I still cannot trust him. I know he's had contact with the OW since he left and the timing of his affair was absolutely awful- I was 9 months pregnant, an discovered it 2 weeks after my DD was born.

Anyway, perhaps stupidly, I texted the OW to ask if they were still involved. I had her number still from nasty texts she sent me after I confronted her initially in my shocked and devestated state.

She texted back denying any current involvement then the next day sent me a really nasty text accusing me of being the "final nail in the coffin" in her marriage and that because of my texts, her husband was leaving her. No remorse, no guilt, no apology, just pure hatred from her to me.

She sent my H similar texts, blaming him for her H leaving her and lots of abuse with it.

I know my H is responsible for breaking OUR wedding vows, but surely she is responsible for her own marriage???? She has a child, which is why I caould never forgive her part in it when she knew what the first few weeks of being a new mum is like but she didn't seem to care.

I've felt sick ever since, as if I've been dragged months back in time when she initially sent me nasty texts when I discovered their affair. Texts which made me feel I was responsible for my H's infidelity.

I can't believe someone could be soo selfish and nasty as to blame the wife of the man you had an affair with for the breakdown of your own marriage.

Just soo angry at her- can't seem to let it go. Feel she got off VERY lightly as I never contacted her H or caused alot of bother for her. I kept it between me and my H and hence we subsequently separated while she stayed with her hsuband!!!!!

Help me to let this go please.

Mamazonarocket Wed 04-Nov-09 00:14:11

you need to realise that nothing she has happen in her life has anything to do with you.
i believe in Karma and it certainly looks as though she is getting her come uppance

VinegarTitsOnFire Wed 04-Nov-09 00:15:50

Wow she sounds like a nasty piece of work

Of course she is responsible for hr own marriage, she played with fire and she got burned, she has no one else to blame but herself, ignore her, she is not worthy of your anger, concentrate on channeling your energy into rebuilding your own life, shes not worthy of a second thought, silly mare

hmc Wed 04-Nov-09 00:17:08

Probably ill advised of you to contact her - but please be assured that your are blameless in respect of the breakdown of her marraige. Ludicrous of her to accuse you of such a thing

moondog Wed 04-Nov-09 00:17:24

Stop bloody texting her like a teenager for God's sake.
Grow up!

helpmeoutofthismess Wed 04-Nov-09 00:24:41

Moondog I already admitted it was a stupid move, but I think that I've actually behaved pretty maturely throughout this considering I had the means to contact her H and her boss (her and my H worked together).

I didn't give in to that and for 7 months I have made no contact with her except for that one moment of weakness following my husband's revelations about his residual feelings for me.

Its the fact that she takes no responsibility and shows no compassion for me which really really hurts.

mrsboogie Wed 04-Nov-09 00:29:12

Not sure what you hoped to gain by asking her for the truth! But she is the one who put all the nails into the coffin herself, with her behaviour and her husband was obviously so distrustful of her that your text was enough to make him finish it. If I were you I would get on with deciding whether or not things are going to work out for your marriage and leave her to the mess she has made for herself.

moondog Wed 04-Nov-09 00:32:59

What's knowing her boss's contact details got to do with anything?
She banged your husband. Why would you expect her to come over all humanitarian suddenly?

I'd save your venom for your dh who sounds like a spineless prick.

helpmeoutofthismess Wed 04-Nov-09 00:36:55

You and her have a very similar tone Moondog. Nice. Thanks for your advice.

moondog Wed 04-Nov-09 00:39:08

What do you want people to say?
'Ooh, poor you, she sounds horrible.Yes it's all her fault?'

What good will that do?

She's vile, yes.
Your husband betrayed you.
They both sound as bad as each other.
Those are the bare unpleasant facts.

JesusChristOtterStar Wed 04-Nov-09 00:51:18

moondog chill

mrsboogie Wed 04-Nov-09 01:00:25

she does sound an especially noxious character to be fair - abusing the poor wife who had just given birth and then blaming her for the break up of her marriage? I would content myself, OP, with the knowledge that anyone that selfish with that amount of lacking in self awareness and integrity will not be having any happy endings...

dittany Wed 04-Nov-09 01:03:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bb99 Wed 04-Nov-09 01:05:48

Try to LOL at her misery and what she has done to herself...

Also if she is such a nasty bitch then she is probably telling the truth about your H and they're not still seeing each other. smile

HA HA HA, I think the laughs on her - focus on this as the posative.

Trouble with nutters some people is that no matter how much you are in the right, they just can't see it, even with a rational point of view. I try to pity people like this as they are missing out on so much of humanity just by being nasty pieces of work. She must be really miserable!!!!!

Oh, and PUT DOWN THAT PHONE, it's no good trying to be reasonable with some folk and it will just feel as tho she is still in your life.

helpmeoutofthismess Wed 04-Nov-09 01:08:40

I know it was his fault. I never denied that. But I can't pretend that she was an innocent party. For both of them the timing was really cruel. I just thought she may have had time to reflect on her actions and show a little regret/humanity.

As for my H... he does seem remorseful. But i'm not stupid. I know it takes a hell of alot more than that to rebuild a marriage.

helpmeoutofthismess Wed 04-Nov-09 01:10:25

Thank you bb99.

dittany Wed 04-Nov-09 01:14:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PandaEis Wed 04-Nov-09 01:50:19

hi helpme

by the sound of it the fact that you are texting the OW you are looking for something to 'tell you' whether to let your H back in. IMO once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater! i have been there with a P whilst i was pregnant quite a few years ago and whilst i forgave once and then twice i soon came to realise that if the arsehole idiot is willing to do that to the mother of his future child whilst the child is being baked then what is there to stop him at a less sensitive time?? (the self-same arsehole then dumped me by text 2 days after i miscarried our baby at 14 weekssadangry i obviously had picked the wrong "man" to procreate withhmm)
anyway i digress...

the only way to know whether you can live with being with him and trusting him again is by making the decision without outside influence and testing the water. you DONT HAVE TO STICK TO A DECISION!! you can date him again if you want to and see how you feel and make it clear to him if you do this that a) this is now going to happen AT YOUR PACE and on YOUR terms b) he has to be patient and give you space c) if you dont feel comfortable he must accept your decision and allow you to move on!!

HE is the wrong-doer in the situation!! it should make no difference what the crazy OW says as she MUST be out of the picture for you to be able to move on.

moondog seriously!! there is no need for the harsh way you are posting. you dont have to give a dose of harsh reality without sweetner for all occaisions!!!hmm how about being sympathetic for once!

Booooooooooyhoo Wed 04-Nov-09 02:17:04

OP, i can understand you wanting to know if there had been any further involvement with OW. you neded to know if your DH was being truthful, unfortunatley she is the only person that can tell you this and i dont think you are going to get anything remotely satisfactory from contacting her.

she cheated on her husband, that is on her shoulders and her husband found out. she must deal with that herself. thats their problem not yours.

do not contact her again, you have no need to.

you, and only you can decide if you want to have a new relationship with your DH. and i say new because to have the old one back would be to create the same scenario as the one in which he cheated on you.

it up to you, forget her, she cheated on HER husband.

your DH cheated on YOU. that is all you ned concern yourself with.

good luck

WhenwillIfeelnormal Wed 04-Nov-09 02:31:35

Oh Help Me, I understand exactly what you mean - you explain yourself very well and I do understand why you cannot understand how the OW doesn't feel a shred of guilt or compassion for another woman.

I understand too that you are absolutely NOT reserving all the blame for her - and I don't think you are fixating on her either. As you say, you could have really made her life hell if you had so chosen, but you decided to be the bigger person and concentrated instead on laying the blame squarely at your DH's door.

It was particularly cruel of OW to text you the bile that she did about why your H had engaged in the affair - and FWIW I don't necessarily think that this is based on what your H told her - I often think that people who need to hurt wives like this are actually doing this because of their own insecurities. They have to lash out and hurt you because they have realised that ultimately, he loved YOU more than her - if indeed he loved her at all.

And I can't see that she is a victim of some unscrupulous male who convinced her they had a relationship - she was a complicit partner in deceiving two innocent spouses.

Like I was saying on another thread the other day, not all OW are the same, just as not all unfaithful spouses are the same. There are lots of OW who would have behaved post affair, as you obviously expected her to - hurt perhaps and angry with the affair partner, but harbouring no ill will or malevolence towards the innocent wife. Many OW feel real guilt towards the wives. To try to reverse this, does your husband feel guilt and compassion for the man he cuckolded - or does he feel inclined like OW seems to, to tell this man that if he hadn't been deficient as a husband, she wouldn't have looked elsewhere? I suspect your husband does feel guilt towards this man - or should, if he is at heart a decent person.

And what ever people might tell you on here and in RL, having an affair does not make you a "bad person" - good people have affairs I'm afraid. But the measure of their innate decency is how they behave afterwards - are they genuinely contrite and sorrowful - and do they show this in their every action? Do they make sure that they never hurt their partner again? Are they honest with their partner and do they try as hard as they can to atone for the dreadful pain they have caused?

The OW who is at heart a decent person would have behaved very, very differently to the one in your case. It doesn't matter how you dress it up, this woman has behaved particularly noxiously. You are absolutely right to feel shocked and bemused.

I have to say though, I'm pleased that she is finally having to live with the consequences of her actions, just as your H is doing - and you are doing.

I really wish you well - this must have been horrendous to you at a time when you were at your most vulnerable.

stuffitllllama Wed 04-Nov-09 03:15:38

I can't see how you can let it go without a lot of time in between you and any contact with her. She's obviously awful, and wrong about who is to blame. She's so wrong she's not rational. You've got enough on your plate without trying to set her right. Accept now that she thinks these things. Accept that she's nasty and a bit wild. Accept it because there is nothing you can do. Don't text her and block her number.

nooka Wed 04-Nov-09 03:57:05

Poor you. Never pick at wounds I think, it's not good for the healing process. But easy enough to say of course. I think that you are upset mostly because this incident has thrown you back into all your feelings when you discovered the affair. As for this woman, you should remember that she has nothing to do with you. She made her own decisions, just as your dh did, and as an adult is totally responsible for them. You and your feelings and your life were totally unimportant to their affair - all they would have been concerned with is themselves, as most affairs are deeply selfish things (often more akin to teenage crushes, wholly involving and often with no substance at all).

For what it's worth my dh and I did get back together after he had an affair and it is possible to establish a new relationship, which can be just as good, if not better if you both want it to be. It is hard work, and you do have to get over the grief of the previous relationship failing, and you do have to understand why that failure happened. That's not to say it was in any way not your husband's fault btw, just that you need to understand the dynamics (apart from anything else for your own piece of mind, as one of the biggest questions is always "why").

I would use this as an opportunity to talk with your husband, and either block the OW, or change your number. You really don't need any interference from her whatever your decision. Also I'd second PandaEis. Let a new relationship with your husband develop slowly and without pressure until you are sure what you want to do - three months is hardly any time at all for you to recover from the shock of finding out about the affair, so say "maybe", try dating for a while (I found this bit really quite enjoyable) and see what happens. For your dd what matters is that you and her dad are amicable and she spends lots of time with both of you, so don't worry about impact on her - only move in together if you really feel it is the right thing to do - I'd suspect by the fact that you sent the text that you are not there yet (took dh and me two years btw).

sunnyhols Wed 04-Nov-09 07:12:01

helpme, Im so sorry for what your going through as my H OW did the same to me. I wish Id never text her but wanted to know when they had had last contact and it just made it worse as she just lied and was really nasty angry. The OW just a bitter twisted person putting it politely who deserves what comming to her. Hope everything works out for you as you sound like a really nice person who doesnt deserve any of this. Have you thought about asking your H why he still in contact if hes wanting to give it a go?

HappyWoman Wed 04-Nov-09 07:17:16

i understand the need to contact her to find out from her 'the truth' but she will not give you that.
She has 'lost' you are better than her - your h wants you not her = she feels hurt and is lashing out in her devestated state. Feel pity for her.

Hold your head high and look in the mirror and know that you would not have done what she has - she will have to live with that for a long time. But dont expect her to come and ask for your forgiveness, i dont think she will - and if she does you dont have to give it.

Hopefully in time you will feel in someway grateful to her for making you stronger and a better marriage.
It was your h not her that destroyed your marriage and he may now make it better. If it had not been her it would have been someone else.
Your h will also see what a nasty person she is and will prpbably be kicking himself for ever thinking that is what he wanted.

Good luck - stay strong and make sure you get the relationship YOU want now - dont be afraid to ask for you needs to be met.
Dont worry about how much hurt you h is feeling either, if he has choosen to make it work then he will have a lot of pain to go through too to convince you he can be trusted again. I hope he is up to it, but if not then you have lost nothing.

PyrotechnicToadstool Wed 04-Nov-09 07:20:48

Crikey moondog, would it kill you to be a bit sympathetic? You are so harsh. The OP isn't the one in the wrong here.

And teenage or otherwise I'd be texting her back and saying 'that's fucking karma, love' - but no I wouldn't expect it to be the right thing to do!

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