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I used to belong on the EA thread... please can someone give me a bit more of a kick?

(5 Posts)
ditzzy Tue 03-Nov-09 23:09:58

Not an abusive kick obviously - I've had quite enough of those. Just a metaphorical one. I need to get H to leave the house!!

Story so far: 10 year EA relationship (married for 7), no kids; realised EA-ness while TTC, spent next two years absolutely convinced he could change, turns out he couldn't really be bothered to try to. So this Easter I announced it was all over, I bought his half of the equity in the house, and he signed separation agreement to say that after this settlement he would have no further claims over any of my finances etc etc, I get to keep the cat, but part of the deal was that he could stay in the house for up to 6 months while house-hunting (the 6 months was my idea as he wants to buy rather than rent and it would give him time to look, and for one place to fall through - I didn't want to put any pressure on). He does contribute to bills (but not housework, but then he never did anyway).

We're nearly 5 months into the 6 months and he takes delivery of his brand new car this week... and hasn't even talked to a mortgage company about how much he could borrow, let alone start house hunting. Call me old fashioned, but I always thought it was a good idea to sort out where you're going to live before buying a flash new motor? It has served to remind me how different our values are, but HOW DO i GET HIM TO MOVE OUT?!

P.S. I know legally, once the six months are up I could just change the locks, but I'd really like some attempt at doing this amicably before it gets that far, so just looking for tips, key phrases, and general encouragement really. I'm definietly not on the verge of getting back together with him, but just don't know how to get him to leave. As a flatmate, he's not actually so bad to live with, but its my house!!! (Does that sound selfish enough?)

NicknameTaken Wed 04-Nov-09 10:49:35

Not selfish! I think you need to ask him briskly for an exact leaving date. If he doesn't set one, you do. Then when that date is reached, change the locks. It's good to be amicable, but abusive men fundamentally don't respect you. When you are trying to be nice, they see that as a weakness and take advantage. So play nice and amicable up to a certain clear point, then stop. You know he'll drag this on for as long as he can.

Mamazonarocket Wed 04-Nov-09 10:56:30

i have to agree.
Your not at all elfish, your incredibly fogiving ivenhis behaviour.

You should sit down calmly with him and explain that you need to know when thins will be moving on inorder for you to move your life forwards.
ASk him what he has arranged for when he moves out, as if you expect thath has alreadymade moves to leave.

if he beomes resistant you cnan then inorm him that he has no legal right to be there and that youcan involve police and the ourts ifit coms to it but that you would rather it remained amicable.

good luck and well done for taking these steps. they maybe small but they are incredibly significant in your route to an abuse free life

Lemonylemon Wed 04-Nov-09 14:14:31

You've been incredibly patient with him. As previously mentioned, highlight the end of the 6 month period. If needs be, put up a calendar with the date highlighted and a big circle around it in marker pen.

Also ask him how his plans are going....

If you don't get any joy, and the 6 month period is up, then you're entitled to put all his stuff into black bin liners and put them out on the front lawn.

I've been in the unfortunate position of having to pack someone's stuff up and drop it round to his parents' place.....

But I do hope that he moves his butt before that!

ditzzy Thu 05-Nov-09 07:00:59

Thanks guys. Thats a nice gentle bit of reassurance that I'm not actually the evil bitch that I always feel whenever I mention it.

I did try a couple of weeks back - I started looking at a dinner plate set in a shop, when he asked why, I replied that I assume he'll take ours when he moves out as they were a gift from his parents.. To which his response was to look all forlorn and ask whether I was 'fed up with him living there already'. I KNOW the correct response would have been either to say 'yes' (because I really really am); or to point out that really moving out before we completely hate each other actually seems like a good idea; but I didn't. I just said 'well you'll have to move out at some point', and we then didn't talk for the rest of the day, while he sulked, and I felt evil. And yes. I know thats just typical of him still controlling me!! Being controlled is a far harder habit to break than I ever thought it would be.

I'll try to tackle him on it tonight. Or maybe the weekend. Tonight would be better, because he pays the rest of his car price tomorrow, so I suppose I do want to give him a last chance to see sense and put the money towards a house instead (no chance I know. even if he realises its the sensible thing to do, I don't think he's capable of admitting that now).

Anyway, thanks. It was a very self-indulgent OP! Right now I just really need people to tell me I'm doing ok as an independent.

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