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why did he do this - insight in male psyche please

(17 Posts)
fartychristmaspants Tue 03-Nov-09 22:06:59

OK, so I've clearly been dumped. sad

Have been having a relationship for a few months with guy who I really liked. We haven't been able to meet as often as we would have liked due to various complications but it was going well (I thought) and we texted several times a day and spoke often when we couldn't meet up.

Anyway it became obvious that contact was tailing off from his end so I asked him if he wanted to leave things for now as he obviously wasn't that keen - 'no, he says I want to keep being with you' so I explained I needed to hear from him regularly (not necessarily every day) to keep the relationship going.

Same happened again so spoke to him again and again said look, lets leave it, it's fine, if you're not so keen, I understand (in reality am a bit gutted but can understand if he's not feeling it)and again he said no, I still want to be with you, really like you, sorry haven't been in touch, things will change blah blah. I should have biten the bullet and dumped him then, but I realy liked him, you know how it is ...blush

Texted me the next day saying 'hi good morning, hope you're OK, text you later' and I haven't heard from him since!

Now I'm not daft, I know I've been dumped (and I'm pretty upset, but that's life, hey ho!) and I totally get that he just wasn't that into me, but why lie?

I don't get it. I gave him two really, really, easy chances with no stress, to just say 'OK it hasn't worked out, lets move on' and he lied and said he still wanted me. Why do they do that? <screams in frustration> angry

ineedalifelaundry Tue 03-Nov-09 22:16:28

One word - coward.

fartychristmaspants Tue 03-Nov-09 22:49:08

You are so right and i know he's an ah*le but why do I feel so ***** upset about it? I should be delighted to be rid of the usless blank, but I'm not, I'm just sadsad

Also we have a mutual event where i will see him each regularly in a small group. Of course i shall attend looking fabulous and unconcerned, but do I ignore him, chat as though we are friends and nothing more or flirt outrageously with eryone else (tricky as most of the others are 40 years older than me or the wrong sex!)?

hatesponge Tue 03-Nov-09 22:59:32

Agree - complete coward. Some men cant bear to be the bad guy. I had a bf like that once, he clearly didnt want to be with me, got less and less interested, but every time I raised it he denied all, so in the end i got fed up and dumped him (by voicemail...not my finest hour but he was really getting on my wick by then!)

anyway back to you OP, you will feel sad, its only natural, you had invested stuff in this relationship & its not turned out as you hoped - mainly cos this guy who you were hoping was one of the good ones has turned out to be totally spineless. The sadness will pass - in the meantime I find it helps to think of any irritating little habits or quirks he might have had & feel grateful you dont have to put up with them any more

as to your function, I would go looking gorgeous, speak to him casually if necessary, but dont go out of your way to do so, and yes, generally enjoy yourself and dont worry about him. its very much his loss!

ineedalifelaundry Wed 04-Nov-09 00:05:50

Yes it's totally his loss. Don't flirt with other people at the function- it will not become you! Don't pretend to be his friend either. Just be very cool and (as you say) unconcerned around him. He's very likely shitting his pants at the thought of seeing you because he doesn't do confrontation. Hope he squirms his way through the whole event. Shitbag.

ineedalifelaundry Wed 04-Nov-09 00:16:35

Revenge might be a cure for your sadness?

Maybe accidentally spill a hot cup of coffee in his lap.

Or stick his papers together with chewing gum while he's not looking.

Or put out an anonymous memo saying he's got a tiny todger. With diagram / illustration.

grin

just go to function and enjoy yourself.

dont flirt, dont ignore. dont be rude and ignore. feel free to go say hi so he can see up close just how gorgeous you are looking without him smile

ApplesinmyPocket Wed 04-Nov-09 09:11:32

Yes, that's the way - smile a lot at this unction in a particularly dazzlingly brilliant way, as if you are happier than you've been for some time, as if some good change has happened to you. Calm and pleasant if you speak to him in passing. Work on feeling inside that you are above this man - that he did not matter that much - and that you are excited and happy about all the choices before you. Hard I know - but you will feel so much satisfaction if you can do it - I used to make the big mistake of sad, wounded puppy eyes - 'if only he sees how hurt I am!' which is no good at all.

As for 'Why?' I suppose he just couldn't bring himself to say it. One might say it was a point in his favour - he obviously didn't want to hurt you - it reminds me of how the other day a neighbour of mine asked me if I wanted to go to some event she was hosting. I really really didn't want to go but I heard the hope in her voice and somehow couldn't quite bring myself to say it, so I left it at 'I'll see!' I'd really love to, but - '. So now I'm cursing because I just couldn't get a No out, and now have to call again. So I can see how he might have ducked out of your question - a little bit of a coward,yes, but also a little of a person who doesn't want to disappoint.

Anyways. You sound lovely - funny and bright. I hope another one turns up soon - a better one.

fartychristmaspants Wed 04-Nov-09 09:47:55

Thanks guys, excellent advice! I particularly like the memo idea grin(It's Ok, I wouldn't really, but how satisfying!). It is totally his loss. You have cheered me up no end - there must be some good ones out there somewhere!hmm

littlestmummystop Wed 04-Nov-09 09:50:30

Similar thing happened to me a few months ago. Completely over it now though- as you will be in a few weeks' time.

Some men are just arseholes and don't want to feel 'bad.'

But most men who do this are poor communicators and a bit wet, so probably better off without anyway.

veryconfusedandupset Wed 04-Nov-09 09:56:23

As something very similar happened to me I've been looking at the definitions of "attachment styles" and love that are listed in the thread about links to sites that can help people who have been involved in affairs. Firstly men like this are either suffering from just lust which they confuse with affection or have Maniac style of love which is strong but dies down. Having involved themselves with more secure women who have "Eros" style love/ affection that is more stable, or the sort of love that takes a while to get going ( can't remember the name of that one) they end up going off you while your love and affection are still getting underway. They can't cope with this, because as their interest wanes yours gets more or remains as keen as before.

I was totally pissed off with y ex because after spinning me the big line about how empathic he was, how I could trust him with my feelings etc. etc. I then got a lot of nonsense about how busy he was at work - but of course he still loved me - and how everything would be better once the summer rush was over and that he was only not calling so often because of that. And I got the nonsensne about how I was being silly to read anything into all this (though of course in reality my instincts were right)

I got my dumping email when I was on internet looking up restaurants for his birthday treat - silly me, i thought th emore supportive I was of his "difficult time" the more he would appreciate me, he just felt suffocated. It has happened t ome before - worst example when someone I was informally engaged to - a professor of politics no less - thought I'd get the message if he jsut stopped telephoning after a 3 year relationship. I'm afraid on that occasion the desire for revenge was just too much, so I invited him for a weekend of no strings break up passion, found out everything about his new girlfriend and then called her several times during the weekend to update her on what we were doing - and to point out the sexual and physical areas where he found her a little disapointing. This was of course many years ago before mobile phones! I knew I wouldn't see him again, but that revenge was very sweet indeed.

AllFallDown Wed 04-Nov-09 14:42:21

Veryconfused ... and how nice that must have been for the (presumably) entirely innocent new girlfriend, to have someone calling her up repeatedly to pass on news of her inadequacies. You sound absolutely mad.

MorrisZapp Wed 04-Nov-09 14:46:45

Aww, sorry to hear this. Sounds like classic male avoidance behaviour to me.

In my dating days loads of guys swore blind to me they thought I was great and couldn't wait to meet up again, even when given a an easy way out. But then they just wouldn't phone back.

Men are worried that even if you say 'it's no problem if we don't see each other' and then they say 'well, to be honest I don't want to see you again' then there will be tears and upset.

They just say whatever is the easiest to get out of any given situation.

Sounds like you're moving on already though, good luck!

veryconfusedandupset Wed 04-Nov-09 16:37:11

New girlfriend knew all about us being together - we were part of same social scene in large South West town - she also know ex and I had been looking at houses together and had talked of getting married that year. She got together with him behind my back and he just stopped phoning - you can see what he was like if I tell you he also slept with best friends wife whilst best friend was on working tour of US. Think I was doing her a favour - what sort of bf sneaks back to woman he has dumped, thus cheating on new gf then spends all weekend saying it is just because she is 150 miles closer to him than me ( I lived in London at the time) and compares her unfavourably with me - and very graphically too. Understand she set about him with a cast iron frying pan on his return - well deserved for both of them imho

mollybob Wed 04-Nov-09 17:33:55

reckon new gf was better off knowing asap veryconfused - i'd never have the nerve but sounds reasonable to me

aurynne Wed 04-Nov-09 19:22:21

veryconfusedandupset, in my humble opinion, and regardless of the situation, what you did shows a very cruel, cold and horrid behaviour. Sorry to be blunt, but I wouldn't trust a person able to go to bed repeatedly with a man she's supposed to despise, and while she's doing it, phoning someone that loves him to tell her what's happening. Anyone who gets pleasure out of hurting somebody else, and justifies herself on vengeance, is not a good person. A good person wouldn't have the spirit to do something like that, even to the OW. And showing how good it makes you feel just justifies this impression of mine.

veryconfusedandupset Wed 04-Nov-09 19:53:51

Aurynne - as I've said this was a very long time ago - I was 23 at the time, and where does the "she loved him" bit come in? They didn't go out for very long because She soon discovered what he had been up to with best friends wife, hairdresser on holiday, students etc. He was good company and very intelligent, but it was many more years before he got it all out of his system and settled down with someone.

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