Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Feel so sad and confused

(24 Posts)
sadperson123 Mon 02-Nov-09 22:09:57

I've been with my husband for about 11 years, and we have one DS who we both adore.

For the last 8 months DH has been emotionally detaching himself from me more and more, and I have been trying everything I can think of to make our marriage work and get back on track (eg: suggesting Relate, writing him letters to try and get him to talk, asking him to go out together on our own etc etc etc) and he has told me that he doesn't know if he still loves me, that I don't respect him enough (I used to have a good but very stressful job which I gave up 13 months ago as I was on the verge of a breakdown, as DH is away with work a lot of the time and I wasn't coping well with DS/stressful job/travelling etc on my own). so DH expects me to worship the ground he walks on as he pays the bills/mortgage etc. I don't ask him for any "spending" support as I am still using money I received from work when I left.

DH has a very successful job, and doesn't feel that he should support me to stay at home to the point of calling me a "Lazy Fxxkin cow" last Saturday and told me that I need to go out and get another job. He doesn't see that bringing up our child to be a job enough !!

So (To get to the point) I have been very susupicious of him over the last few months because of the emotional detachment and emotional bullying etc, so had been looking through his phone when I found that he has turned off his "Sent Messages" option on his phone, this along with him being permanently attached to it, which is a massive change around from 6 months ago when he never knew where his phone was ! So I switched the sent option back on, but low and behold it's switched off the next day etc !

I then noticed that he was being very cagey about receipts he had from hotels etc, and was very very vague when I asked him where he was staying/who he was with etc.

So on Saturday morning I went through his wallet and found a hotle receipt for G&T's (lots of them) in a hotel about 45 mins away from here, when he said he was staying in London which is 2 1/2 hours from here. I also found another receipt for a dinner for two which was on a night where he said that there was a crowd of people going out.

I felt sick all day but stayed calm (if a little angry) all day and waited for DS to go to bed and then confronted him about it - expecting and hoping that he would say how sorry he was and beg my forgiveness etc - but no he kept on lying saying he was in place No 1 and having a right go at me for going through his wallet. He finally said to me (When I asked him for the 100th time why he was lying about where he was) that I obviously knew he wasn't in place No 1 and with that he stormed off to bed.

We then tried to talk the next evening, where he finally admitted that he was having dinner with a work colleague on the night he should have been with a group of people, but that he lied because of my reaction, I then asked him about the other night, and he said that he wasn't going to tell me because I would just over react. I said that if he wasn't preapred to be honest with me that our marriage was over and I hoped he was proud of himself etc etc, to which he said nothing and I went to bed (In the spare room) and cried.

This morning he asked me to give it another 24hrs (WTF) and I said no I was finished with it all and I just wanted to him to leave (Which he refused as he said he paid the mortgage) So I then rang him and begged him to leave for a short while for the sake of our DS, and we started rowing again about the night in the hotel and he said he had one meeting cancelled and decided to ring this woman up and meet her, but the was nothing in it, and she was just a friend and a good laugh !!!

I have told him tonight that it's over and I can't go back, so he has gone upstairs and I'm sat down here crying.

I feel so sad - I never wanted this for my life and I feel he's forced me into this by his immature and carefree behaviour - I wouldn't even look at another man as I was in the marriage for life - I feel that my amazing little boy doesn't deserve this and I can't get over the grief and sadness I am feeling - should I try and talk to him or should I stay strong ????

would love any advice - and sorry for the long post

SqueezyFawkingBonfire Mon 02-Nov-09 22:47:07

Sorry you are going thru this sad

Nobody deserves to be treated like this. He can be honest but seems to be choosing not to. OK, you might not be at the stage where you (like he says) admit the marriage might be over but it seems he decided that a while ago without relaying that back to you angry, carried on nonetheless and expects you to be ok with that?

Hypocrite.

You don't have to carry the can for that.

It is easy to say kick his ass to the kerb.

Do you have anyone in RL that can help you with this?

poshsinglemum Mon 02-Nov-09 23:04:52

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I wouldn't believe him when he says that he just had lunch tbh. It is likely that he stayed the night with her. He sounds like a tosser.
Is there anyway you could visit your parents or go to relate. Mabe you could work through this. It might be worth fighting for if you love him. Mabe he's found fatherhood a big shock and needed his ego boosting? No excuse I know.

StirlingSwooshBang Mon 02-Nov-09 23:09:37

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I have been there and I know that awful feeling.

Your comment on saving sent texts struck a cord because I did exactly the same thing that you did. Only difference was my h didn't check that I had altered the phone settings so I got to see all the sickening messages he had been sending sad

I am afraid until your h decides to be totally honest with you, you will be in a state of limbo.

You can either wait for him to be truthful or you can take control of the situation and demand he leaves. It might make him face the reality of the situation.

Keep posting. You will get a lot of support on here. I know I did.

terrica Mon 02-Nov-09 23:38:25

Hi. Went through similar emotional bullying as you. Took me a while to realise it was due to my DH being depressed BUT also having an affair. Very difficult situation.
I concentrated on his emotional side as I could not bring myself to acknowledge that he might be having an affair and also if depressed we do not actually behave as full human beings.
I know I might be totally off target with this but it may be worth considering. My DH had terrible death dreams and also believed he would not live for more than a couple of years. He was totally against relate, there was no need - in his mind.
Try marriage builder dot com and see if you recognise any of the issues, even the NHS website can help.
If not, I feel for wha you are going through and wish you all the best.
You will be happy again even if it is without him.

EcoMouse Tue 03-Nov-09 00:43:13

My x also used depression as one of a plethora of excuses for his affair.

SP, you need to find space to think about what you want to do next. Paying the mortgage does not give your H rights over yours to the home, the right to remain is that of the main carer of any children (you!).

IMO, if you have asked him for space, he should respectfully pi$$ off until you choose to deal with him, in the least detrimental and disruptive manner possible! Not least for your DC's sake.

Seeing a solicitor may sound like a massive step at present but they could advise you further in this regard and help you to protect your right to remain. Please consider this if you are able because your H forcing his presence upon you is a further abusive act yet one which you may be able to prevent him from performing.

You are quite likely to be in shock, seek RL support for you and your DS without any shame, that is strictly his to bare.

ineedalifelaundry Tue 03-Nov-09 01:00:06

Stay strong. He is being an absolute arse, he obviously has no respect for you (otherwise he would've been honest about his recent activities; but even faced with your discovery he still couldn't tell you the truth). He has no respect for your role as the mother of his son (how DARE he call you a lazy fucking cow angry). You deserve to be loved and cherished and respected. Accept nothing less.

He has no right to stay in that house if you separate. You are the main carer for your child, therefore you get to stay in the house for now if you want to. That is your legal right as I understand it.

So angry and sad for you.

Keep posting.

HappyWoman Tue 03-Nov-09 07:59:58

Get some legal advice and stay strong. Dont be afraid to ask a solicitor where you would stand - it does give you a sense of being able to cope with the worst case.
He may not want the marriage to end but if you let him everything will be on his terms and you really need to gain some control.

This woman is not just a friend - but you probably already know this - but again until you h is willing to totally give her up there is little hope.

he will try and think of every excuse to stay and make you 'allow' him his life.

Hopefully he will give you some space and time to think about what you want - use this time wisely to get the life you want now. If he wants to join you in that and you are still willing i would say go for it.

sadperson123 Tue 03-Nov-09 08:25:51

Thank you all for your kind and supportive messages.

During the row last night - he said that I had got it all out of proprtion, and that there was nothing in it - he said that they only ended up having room service because the restraunt was closed (great something that I didn't know) that she was a work colleague (another great). He then said that he had been thinking about us all day and how great we were etc etc etc - which is a total joke as he's spent the last 10 months saying that he doesn't like me, that I don't respect him that he doesn't want to spend any time on our own - so to then say that was a joke ! he then asked me if I was sure I wanted it to end so I said yes, to which point he said that was all he wanted to know and went off upstairs !

I just want him to go for a couple of weeks so I can sort my head out - in some respects this is the final straw as I'm on AD's and seeing a counsellor and in my mind nothing had improved between us, and I keep thinking how the hell will I ever get off of them if I still can't cope on AD's. So to find this out although is a total shock, in some respects explains it all, and makes me realise it wasn't me going mad and being a rubbish wife.

I have some fantastic friends who are supporting me, but I really wanted to thank you for your replies becuase when your sat on your own and can't phone someone up (Because I don't feel I can talkfreely whilst he is in the house as he will listen) it really helps to know that people are out there who have the been in the same situation.

I think I will try and get some legal advice and get the house valued - one step at a time eh.

HappyWoman Tue 03-Nov-09 09:53:56

And if it really wasnt a big deal and he really wanted your marriage to work he would be on his knees even now begging you make it work.
He would have no problem cutting this woman out of his life altogether.

He will continue to say this is not what he wants but i also think he wants you end it so he can be the victim and get the sympathy card.

Could you tell him what you want - her out of his life and for a more honest relationship from now on, and then to work on it. But my money is on that he will refuse this and make you out to be 'crazy' and controlling and not letting him have his friends
You must make him accept that it is his refusal to do this that is breaking up the marriage not YOU.

Good luck

sadperson123 Tue 03-Nov-09 10:14:30

Thanks Happy Woman

I again asked him this morning to move out, to which he replied he couldn't stay with a friend of ours as they have a DS the same age as ours and he would tell our DS, so I suggested another friend - to which he said no he didn't like them very much (He has given me so much grief over the years saying that I refused to be nice to his very good friends and this said man is one of them - !!!)

I then said that I was going to get the house valued and seek some legal advice, and he said I could do what I wanted but that he wasn't going to do anything, and that he paid all of the bills and I couldn't make him leave or sell the house etc, and that he was no way going to get legal advice.

I then asked him if he was going to make it as arranged to our DS's parents evening to which he replied that he was out with his boss now and would I just tell him what was said - aaarrrggghhhhhh !

He also said that he wasn't going to move out because he loved seeing our DS every night - to which I pointed out that he only saw him for 10 mins last night as he went to the pub !!! and that he was now pretending to be wonder Dad but in reality he only ever gave our DS any attention when it suited him and didn't interfere with Golf/pub etc !!! god I'm getting so angry !

Really don't know what to do - any ideas ?

miumiu Tue 03-Nov-09 10:24:46

I don't think youDO anything yet - but I think you should get your choices sorted out.

go see a lawyer for a freebie half hour session
go see CAB
photocopy bank statements etc so you have them if necessary and you decide to separate and things turn nasty
book yourself a session at relate and see where you want to go from there.

Stop jumping up and down and accusing and asking - however impossible. Cool, calm and determined will freak him out much more and wrong foot him. Give him the time and space to have some regrets, rather than make him see you as a screaming crying harridan and react accordingly.

Talk to your friends.

miumiu Tue 03-Nov-09 10:25:02

you should DO

HappyWoman Tue 03-Nov-09 10:28:25

Dont tell him what your moves are going to be -

So he is worried about people knowing? That is interesting and suggests that he is not quite ready to end it - again wanting you to do it for him.

Keep your eyes open and now make sure you find as much evidence of bills ect as you can - are they in joint names? Get his payslips if you can and keep an eye on any accounts. Dont be afraid of getting legal advice it does not mean divorce - it was the best thing i did as it made it all less scary and once i knew i could not be thrown out of the house it made me feel more secure.

This doesnt have to be the end but you do need to be very strong now as i think he wants to have it all his own way.

HappyWoman Tue 03-Nov-09 10:32:02

Dont be afraid to talk about it in rl - you may well surprise yourself that others have gone through this too.

If you still feel you want to divorce you will have to learn to live without depending on him so do that now - get a babysitter to do things for you and dont feel you have to tell him what you are up to. Maybe ask him to come home early some nights so you can go out. You say you still have your own money at the moment so you dont need to ask him for any.

If you want a partnership marriage you have to make sure you ask for it - otherwise i see you being his housekeeper/childminder while he does what HE WANTS

sadperson123 Tue 03-Nov-09 10:37:59

Thanks Miumiu - I think the CAB sounds like a good idea.

I feel deep down that I have known for a long time that he was emtionally removed from our marriage - he has made the last 10 months of my life soo miserable, that finding this out has made me feel a bit more determined to end the marriage.

He is now (As per usual) in total denial and hoping that if he does nothing then it will all calm down and he can carry on as though nothing has happened - he is also furious that I should tell people and make him out to be the bad guy !

When we were going to have a talk on Sunday - he casually said to a nieghbour that he was going to go back inside for "a bollxcking" how nice that he shows no remorse but just sees it as me being an emtional nightmare !

Ho hum think I'll go and call the CAB - have already made an app for an estate agent to come round and value the property on Thursday !

ineedalifelaundry Tue 03-Nov-09 21:57:13

How are things this evening sadperson?

HappyWoman Wed 04-Nov-09 07:21:15

he will do everything to make you out to be the bad person - to alliviate his guilt. That is another reason i think it is a good idea to get evidence and tell people. I know a lot of people want to keep things quiet but i am so glad people know because they can support me and see the chnages in my h too.

sadperson123 Wed 04-Nov-09 08:27:15

Thanks for your kind messages and support.

We are still at the stalemate situation - where he is refusing to move out, because a) he pays all of the bills and b) he thinks that if he goes then will never get back in the house (Maybe he should have thought about that when he did what he did !)

We are now in a position where he is upstairs in the evening and I'm sat downstairs - not good !

I have printed some things off the internet for him about emotional affairs (Although I suspect his was moving towards the more physical affair - due to the hotel room etc) and have just taken it to him and he is reading it !

I just want him to go and rent somewhere - I wont stop him seeing our DS - but he is adament that he wont go.

I have started to tell people, becuase I keep bursting into tears everywhere (Not good at keeping things inside) so I either look like a mad crazy woman or I have to tell people - our neighbour came over yesterday and all she said was that at least he can't hurt you anymore - it made me so sad, as they can see how things have been - and I've beaten myself up about it so much over the last 10 months...!

I've got an estate agent coming round the house tomorrow and am going to give my uncle a call who is solicitor for some advice.

I just feel so sad and if I'm honest a bit dead and numb inside - is this normal ?

Thanks

ineedalifelaundry Wed 04-Nov-09 21:00:16

Your feeling dead and numb is totally normal. You are reacting to an incredibly painful situation by blocking out the worst of it - hence the numbness. This is a mechanism that helps us to get on with everday survival in the face of trauma.

So sorry he's being such an arse about leaving the house. You really should get some proper legal advice about this. I hope your uncle will be of some help.

Glad to hear you're telling people in rl. And very interesting that your neighbour has apparently been able to see all along how bad things have been.

You're moving in the right direction. Your H is still in denial. I'm not sure I'd be buying into the 'emotional affair' line though. He didn't spend a whole evening alone in a hotel room with a woman to have an emotional affair hmm

stay strong. Be clear and consistent and calm with him about what you want to happen next (ie he moves out to give you some headspace).

sadperson123 Wed 04-Nov-09 22:17:22

Hiya

Have been out with my best friend tonight - who are also both of our best friends, and things are really tough for them both - they are now bickering (eg: her siding with me - him siding with DH) and she says that I should a) get some proper legal advice and b) if he still refuses to move I should move out for my peace of mind ! any thoughts ??? I really don't want to uproot DS to then have to do it again - plus I don't have that much money to spend on renting/bills etc - oh god why is life so hard !!!

DH came home tonight and played with DS (Is now being wonder Dad all of a sudden) and I heard him say "Go and get Mummy to play this game" so I had to, as it would have looked dreadful to DS, and I just sat there nearly in tears through the whole sorry game, hating him and wanting him to leave me alone.

He is now upstairs in bed again, and seems to be completely ignoring the whole thing, and pretending it isn't happening. Is that normal too ? I mean there's been no begging my forgiveness (As he doesn't think he has done all that much wrong) and no "We'll go to relate" or do anything to keep the marriage together - he's just tried to hug me on Monday night, to which I said he had to be joking, and he then said had I made up my mind, to which I replied yes, that I couldn't forgive him, so he then said right I wont bother you again, and has been upstairs most of the time since....!

Keep going from this strange numbness through to crying hysterically !!!

I really need to sort my head out, but don't know how !!

picmaestress Wed 04-Nov-09 23:24:36

I think it might help you to feel a bit more assertive in a more organised way.

He sounds like an absolute arsehole, to be honest. I'm not sure what he thinks is going to happen, but I had to deal with my (nearly) exH ignoring it all, and I eventually just had enough and moved out. It was really hard, but I had to face it and just get on with it. I couldn't stand another day.

Make a plan that doesn't include/involve him at all, is my advice. Go back to work, get a house, and divorce his pathetic arse. AND get half the money from the house in the divorce. Your DS will be fine whatever you do, as long as you're strong and try and be positive about it. If you're fine, he'll be fine. It's not hard, you just need to be organised.

If you've no money for a rented house, borrow it, stay with friends, just think of a way to get out of there. Then he'll get the message, you'll see. What a tool. He doesn't believe you've got the balls to do it. Prove him wrong.

Hope you're alright, it's vile, innit? Big hug. x

ps I'm really happy now. That could be you in 6 months.

sadperson123 Thu 05-Nov-09 08:34:17

Thanks Pic - that does make sense - I am having the house valued today and have looked through some rented properties in the area, and found one near DS's school which looks nice so I may try and go and look at it today.

I think your right that he doesn't think I have the courage to do it - he thinks that all our material things (Nice house/Cars/holidays etc) will make me stay - but I just want to be happy and even if we end up in a small house but with no stress, then I'll be happy - the OW thing is just the end of the line for me, as our relationship was rubbish before - no affection/respect/happiness (The respect thing is on either side if I'm honest) so this is just the icing on the cake.

I tried and tried to make it work and asked him on several occasions to come home and not go to the pub, try relate and he refused saying that he was going to do what he wanted when he wanted, and we've limped along like this for most of the year - so although this is horrendous it kind of explains his behaviour.

I think I'll try and look at some houses and try to talk to him tomorrow night, he's away tonight so at least it will give me time to get my thoughts in order.

Thanks everyone for replying - it really does help

sadperson123 Thu 05-Nov-09 10:28:35

Trying to be more organised and assertive today, and rang up about the rental property - and have found out it's already gone - boo ! then rang to speak to the CAB and they are only open on Thursday afternoons - arrrggghhh !

But i have made and app to look round another house tomorrow, but it looks really grim - never mind I need to move on !

Pic - did you and your h divorce or did the break mean that you could rebuild you relationship ? was you husband as cold as mine is being ?

My H is normally fairly crap at talking about things but I would have thought that this would have made him realise what he's going to lose - but then again he still thinks I don't have the balls to do it !!

Help ! am feeling so crap !

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now