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Divorce- Going from 'Will I Survive' to 'I Will Survive....

(17 Posts)
agingoth Mon 02-Nov-09 15:42:00

Following on from Beautiful's thread on being dumped I wondered if the same could be done for those of us who are getting divorced.

I'm going through what seems to me like a particularly nasty one (I know, they all seem like that ;)) and veer from thinking 'thank god I'm out of it' to 'oh god, I have lost my home, my best friend, possibly my kids (see other thread!!) and that SECURITY of having someone to grow old with....' I don't think I ever knew life could be so bloody scary tbh.

I was doing OK today until I read a bit of Mark Steel's book about the end of his relationship. He described seeing his ex in the window of Starbucks just before their court case and said how awful it was because if it was ending like that, it was as if the whole thing was a forgery, a total sham. The killer line which reduced me to tears was 'surely what most couples want when they meet to divorce is to smile at eachother for the last time and mean it'

I'm going to mediation in early NOv and I don't think we'll be smiling at eachother an meaning it, lmao. The worst for me is losing H's friendship, he hates me for various reasons, I was a b*tch throughout a lot of our relationships but things were hard and I wish I could rescue just a bit of that companionship we once had.

We have 2 kids and now it's as if he only tolerates my existence because I am their 'breeder'...and I do admit a lot of that is my fault but not all of it. I have apologised to him and did what I could to persuade him to try a reconciliation but it wasn't going to happen.

Anyway, anyone else out there, perhaps we can help eachother get through this...I am trying to think of positive things to do to relieve anxiety and regrets, so your suggestions are welcome Dexter DVDs and crime novels have got me through a LOT this month!!

KrispyKreme Mon 02-Nov-09 21:39:26

Hi agingoth

I'm in the midst of separating from my H at the moment too - we decided in August after a very tough 2-3 years ending in a messy scenario of my doing sad

We started mediation about 3 weeks ago and it's a very strange experience.

Initially I was all over the place but things have settled a little bit for now. H & I are still living in the same house, which is very hard.

How about you?

lilac21 Mon 02-Nov-09 22:35:42

I'm about to move out of the marital home with our two daughters. I have initiated the separation, and although it took him a long time to accept it, things are better now. It's not like there was anything left to hold on to! I am certainly not losing my best friend, he was never that. In fact, if I had to make a list of what I am losing by doing this, I can't think of anything to put on it. I am not losing out on anything that I actually want!

You might find wikivorce (google it) helpful.

leftorright Tue 03-Nov-09 09:48:44

Wow, I bookmarked this thread last night as I was facing the big talk, and this morning after having my ulitmatum rejected by DH we have decided to divorce. Feeling very shakey and scared, even though I'm (fairly) sure I'm doing the right thing.

DH has alcohol issues which he is not prepared to address so I have said we need to split. We have 3 young children and feel awful about what I'm about to put them through - they obvioulsy love him very much and will be devastated when they are told.

Because of the alcohol, it's a very Jekyll and Hyde situation so I don't hate him and I feel very sad to lose the part of our relationship that is loving - however the drinking is overshadowing that.

Anyway, good luck to you all, and I did check that wikivorce link - very handy thank you.

agingoth Tue 03-Nov-09 12:55:29

urgh KrispyKreme poor you having to live in the same house. I am currently being legally advised to move back IN- in order to prove I am the primary carer, which he is disputing. H really hates me and will do what he can to make my life hell, I know it.
We've got mediation coming up on NOv 9th and I don't know what my position is really and what I feel entitled to- more than I'm getting right now is the only clear answer!!

I'm jealous of you in a way lilac feeling you are not losing anything. I feel in some ways that I have lost all the good years - well alright, not that good, most of them wink- and like KrispyKreme the mess at the end was pretty much my making although he has behaved like a shit ever since (accusing me of abusing the children, ignoring the fact that I ended up in psychiatric care at one point, telling me I was 'dead as far as he was concerned' etc...) and is an utter, utter control freak, something I always hated about him.

leftorright is DH going to leave? I have heard that alcohol abuse is one of the hardest things to deal with in a family.

Well back to sending my solicitor my child tax credit entitlement (which I presume she is going to use to prove I am NOT entitled to legal aid, lmao...)

KrispyKreme Wed 04-Nov-09 21:43:47

Oh LOR that must be a very difficult situation, and you sound like you are being very strong.

Agingoth I never really did get to the bottom of the legal aid thing, I had lots of different bits of advice but then went to a one-off appt with a solicitor who does legal aid and she said not. So trying to fund mediation from my salary and tax credits atm.

The living in the same house is pretty awful but H is going away a lot at weekends (which means I don;t get much of a break, but I'd rather that than have an atmosphere all weekend).

Lilac although H and I kind of "get on" on one level, when this all came to a head I tried to remember a time when I had been happy with him and I couldn;t remember sad

I was a complete ostrich for years about how bad things were. I feel a lot of guilt for not facing up to my feelings (or lack of them) many years ago, but I kept kidding myself that it was me, and not "us".

KrispyKreme Wed 04-Nov-09 21:45:43

BTW agingoth why do you need to move back in to prove that?

I can;t afford to move out and H won;t, which is why we are stuck until finances are sorted.

agingoth Thu 05-Nov-09 15:11:46

Kk, for years we were the couple that people either avoided or were entertained by due to our public rows and bickering blush

Most of our mutual friends think splitting up was the right thing to do. But I still feel so lonely and as if I have thrown my security away. Still, loneliness and insecurity are no reasons to stay married.

KK if you moved out does H assume you would take the kids? My h would not have that and is trying to establish residence. My solicitor has told me that in order to have a chance of establishing residence myself (as I work out of London at the moment) I need to move back in asap but I so dread having to do it....

jazzygirl Thu 05-Nov-09 18:09:08

I am in a similar situation to you guys. I initiated a split from my husband in May and have been living with him and our 3 yo since then, mainly for financial reasons. However I recently decided it was time to move out, which I did last weekend. It's very strange sitting there in the evening when my lo is with his dad - I feel like a student or something, kind of selfish.
I am still having moments whene not sure I've done the right thing, but then I think back to the bad days, when I was drinking 6 pints+ a night because I was so miserable, when I felt desperate, lonely and, at times, suicidal because of how our relationship was making me feel, and I know it had to stop. he still won't accept it's over but he puts the blame fairly and squarely on my shoulders and I'm not willing to take it all so sod him.
Good luck to all of you, would be nice to get a thread going. This is a very hard part of life

KrispyKreme Thu 05-Nov-09 18:22:56

Jazzy I wondered how you were getting on...hope the move went well. I am dreading the nights on my own - I quite enjoy my own company usually and in time I'm sure I'll welcome some time to myself but it's going to be very hard to begin with. I hope you find a more positive life out there, it sounds like things have been tough.

Agingoth H and I never argued much expect in the last couple of years when we began to snip and bicker about everything, and my family really noticed it.

I am not moving out until the finances have been sorted and contact arrangements for DS. This we will do via mediation and then the agreement we come to will go to our solicitors. H is assuming I will move out with DS. It is not cast in stone that he will remain in mat. home, although he wants to, because he may not be able to afford it. If we have to sell it may be me who ends up staying.

agingoth Fri 06-Nov-09 12:19:25

jazzygirl, god I know the feeling of those studenty nights....they do become quite enjoyable at certain points (for instance last night was able to cook just when I liked and sit down to a Dexter dvd with NO interruptions!!) but sometimes it's so empty.

Do you have 50: 50 custody as I do?

jazzygirl Fri 06-Nov-09 14:47:05

Krispy, yes it went well thanks. It's not been that hard at all. Added to everything else, I have been seeing someone else for 3 months and I broke up with him this week (my decision, I'm just not ready for anything at the moment, and he wasn't what I'm looking for in the long run). Anyway I woke up actually feeling quite happy and excited about the day today!! First time in YEARS!! grin grin grin grin grin And yes it has been tough, it's been horrendous. Sounds stressful for you though, lots of decisions about the house etc still to be made - I hope you get it sorted out soon.

Agingoth - I am enjoying the studenty nights but can't help feeling guilty. It's like I'm not a proper mum, my lo is elsewhere and I'm kicking back acting like a singleton. Anyone else felt like that? I feel guilty enough that I work as it is! We have 50:50 custody, yes. Have you noticed if you tell someone you are separating they instantly ask if you have children, and always assume you will have sole custody? x

agingoth Fri 06-Nov-09 15:13:10

oh god yes jazzygirl...I was also seeing someone else for a while and having nights out and in with him feeling like I'd slipped back into some pre-child life and it is quite seductive in its own way, then you get these horrible pangs of guilt/longing...

yep EVERYONE expected me to have sole custody. So did I tbh, but it wasn't to be... I work quite a way out of London and people still ask 'where are the kids? aren't they coming up to live with you?'

KrispyKreme Fri 06-Nov-09 21:13:25

So how much do you see of your kids agingoth? That must be very hard.

H supposedly wants "50/50" but I am not quite sure how that's going to work in practice, since it's me that takes DS to and from school, and H can;t, due to his work.

In reality I am hoping that DS can see H 2-3 days a week for at least a short period (probably with just one overnight) and then part of each weekend. Which isn;t exactly 50/50 hmm

Jazzy I hope you are not upset about splitting with this guy? It sounds like you need some space and time, which is probably a really good thing.

I am currently seeing someone else too, which is pretty difficult when still living in the same house - mostly we get to meet up about once a week, and have never stayed overnight. I like him a lot but need to get everything sorted out before I could possibly take it to another level....and even then I'm not sure I will, as think I will need some time on my own to sort out my feelings re the split with H and work out what I really want.

agingoth Fri 06-Nov-09 21:20:30

Atm I see them 3/4 days a week but my work is really full on atm so I don't get to take the time I'd like off to be with them.

I've been round to H's the last couple of nights to relieve the nanny since he never gets back before 7 hmmand I'd rather be there for them tbh than have her there. But I leave as soon as he turns up.

KrispyKreme Wed 11-Nov-09 21:35:22


I hope you are all getting on OK - as can be expected, anyway sad

I just popped back to ask if anyone would mind giving me their thoughts on how they handled telling the DC about separating / moving out etc.

DS doesn;t really know anything yet except that H & I sleep in separate bedrooms but he knows something isn;t right. I don;t want to say anything yet about moving because everything is so up in the air, but when the time comes I have no idea what to say / do.

lizzy6 Wed 11-Nov-09 21:52:02

We prepared a set of words we both agreed and then talked to all of the DC's together. Was received with a stunned silence (teenagers). Was not as bad as I had imagined TBH although naturally XH spun a few things his way on the fly which bothered me somewhat. Truth will out in the end anyway. What has surprised me more than anything since then is how easily XH has (mostly) disappeared from all of our worlds.

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