Hi Orm - Oh, I love your humour! And FWIW, when ever anyone uses the word "silly" in relation to adult behaviour, it makes me want to punch them on the nose! Often think that GPs don't get the right "people skills" training at all.
Thanks for updating on your depression - it sounds bi-polar in nature. Getting the medication right for that particular condition can be very hard indeed.
Orm, don't you think your H knows that something is wrong? I don't think it's best to start this journey with a lie, white or otherwise. However, I think the most important thing here is for you to get some counselling, but think that if you sat DH down and said: "Look, you know that we have been having a lot of rows - I want to have some counselling to help us resolve conflicts in a better way. The way I react to things might be related to my depression, but it shocked me as well as you the other day when a row ended up with me saying I wanted a divorce. The depression might be a condition that we've got to live with for the rest of our lives - but I want us to be able to resolve any disagreement we have without things getting out of proportion - and depression medication won't help us to do that."
From what I've read about your DH, he could also do with some help resolving conflicts - I saw your thread the other day about his need to "blame" family members. It was strange reading it. I could really relate to what you were saying - my H can be quite frightening when he raises his voice (to the kids) and he has always been less tolerant than me with them. He is however far more patient and tolerant now - you know my story and the changes my H has made. I also agree with you, I don't like the notion that parents are always right and I think children actually learn a lot when a parent says: "Look, I got this wrong - and I'm sorry".
However - I also thought that if my H said "Oh, who did that?" in a cross fashion now it wouldn't jar much at all. This is because my perspective on him is different. I do know that if you're already full of doubts about someone, even small things they do take on disproportionate significance.
Having thought long and hard about your situation Orm (and do keep posting) I think you might benefit from some counselling on your own first, followed up by some couple counselling. I think you've made an incredibly brave first step this week in finding the name of a counsellor - please take that second step and book an appointment - and don't give up if that counsellor is not the right fit for you.
I think you will be shocked at how liberating (but upsetting) it will be for you to say the truth that dare not speak its name: "I'm here because I'm having doubts about my marriage" but this is the one place where you can be really honest about your feelings.
I also think if you approach this in the way I've suggested with your H, it won't come as a bolt from the blue for him if after a while, you suggest going together for counselling. If I read your H correctly Orm, he will actually do anything to keep his marriage. That's not to say he won't be frightened by all this - but he's probably got so used to living with (possibly unacknowledged) sadness, that any change to the status quo will seem threatening.
Orm, what I'm saying is that you might have to live with depression all your life - but you can take tablets to mitigate against the effects of that. You don't however have to live with dissatisfaction and doubts about your marriage for your whole life - it would be such a wasted opportunity if you didn't try to treat that now.
You know my situation - and I look back now and think of some wasted years with my DH. Like you, I would never have suggested counselling for us, because I had sort of resigned myself to not feeling passion and desire and after so long (and so many attempts to get him to change) I reasoned that he wasn't going to change. So I did quite a number on myself convincing myself that it was all okay really. Plus, I loved him deeply and despite all of my reservations, there were things about him that I did appreciate enormously; his kindness, his work ethic, his desire and pride in me, the gestures he made that showed how much he loved me (resonate Orm? Your H recently surprised you with the anniversary meal?)
When I talk to H now, he describes the feelings of sadness he had, that he loved me more than I loved him. However, it was not something he thought about every day by any means - it was just something he knew. And if someone had asked him two years ago if that were true, I think he would have gasped at the truth that someone had been brave enough to speak...but it's not something that he would ever have confronted. Perhaps your H is the same? In long marriages, so much of this stuff goes unacknowledged - until a crisis situation forces the couple to face up to what has been happening in the marriage.
I feel so very differently about my marriage now, because it's based on truth, honesty, intimacy and really good quality communication between us. We also both know now that we love each other equally and deeply - and that's so empowering.
I try not to rue those fallow years, but I wouldn't want anyone to go through them unnecessarily - or be forced to confront these issues as a result of a crisis like ours.