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DH is such a star and I don't deserve him.

(28 Posts)
OrmIrian Mon 02-Nov-09 13:58:13

I'm struggling with depression atm. Very nasty to be with. For DH and the DC. Have just started back on my anti-Ds after fighting against the idea for a month. On saturday I lost it with DH and had a horrible screaming row - and told him I wanted a divorce. It was just bile and viciousness - our marriage ain't perfect but it's good enough. He was so hurt.

Anyway I apologised and things were sort of OK. We had a talk yesterday. He came back from town with some lilies for me this morning.

I don't think I'd be as forbearing if he was doing this to me.

Poledra Mon 02-Nov-09 14:04:10

Tell me, Orm, if you had a broken leg and he was looking after you, would you feel so bad about yourself? You have depression, it is an illness, one of its manifestations is that you will behave unreasonably and in a way that you do not like. You will get better.

In the meantime, try to focus on the fact that he clearly loves you - he wouldn't be hurt if he didn't - and keep talking to him.

I hope the anti-deps help soon.

Uriel Mon 02-Nov-09 14:05:21

He sounds lovely and obviously sees your many good qualities too. smile

LittlePeanut Mon 02-Nov-09 14:08:24

He does sound like a star, but I am sure you DO deserve him. He clearly thinks you do. As Poledra said, you are unwell at the moment. Please don't be so hard on yourself.

emeraldgirl1 Mon 02-Nov-09 14:09:05

The time will come when you can give him your support when he needs you. I was depressed for many years, was horrendous to my wonderful DH on a daily basis. Now I am better, he has recently gone through a very tough time and I can finally take care of him a little bit rather than the other way round. It makes me feel better than anything. This will happen for you too, I am sure; with his support I am sure you will come out the other side of the depression. Good luck - oh, and try to feel 'lucky' rather than guilty that you have done nothing to deserve this wonderful partner.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Mon 02-Nov-09 14:15:27

Orm, I worry about you - and your DH. I am so sorry you are depressed, but I wonder whether the root cause of all this is your general dissatisfaction with your relationship? I wish I could persuade you to get some really decent counselling - and do some couples counselling too.

Have you ever done a search on your name and had a read through about what you have written in recent years?

What always screams out to me when I read your posts is that you're desperately trying to convince yourself that it is okay to feel the way you do about your marriage and your DH.

So that you will understand where I'm coming from with you and will hopefully see I've got your best interests at heart, I think you come across as a witty, fiercely intelligent woman with huge compassion for others - just the sort of woman I know I'd befriend in RL.

I know you've said previously that counselling would open up a can of worms, but I think something's going to give here - and I've got huge sympathy for you and your DH.

OrmIrian Mon 02-Nov-09 14:20:01


whenwillI - oh god I know you are right. I know it! But I am just too scared. My whole life is built on my relationship with this man. Who is a good man. And he loves me.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Mon 02-Nov-09 14:27:44

Hey Orm, it's okay, honestly. In your case Orm, I think you fear that counselling will result in you calling time on your marriage. But you know what? I don't think that will happen at all. I think because you love your H and he is a good man, it might actually cause you to fall in love with him all over again.

Don't you think your H knows deep down how you feel about him? That he isn't sad and lonely with that knowledge? But because he loves you very deeply and is a good man, he will accept this and not rock the boat himself? Going to counselling might be the best gift you ever gave yourselves.

I know you're scared and I imagine he will be a bit scared if you suggest it. But it doesn't have to result in what you think it might - and I think there's a fair chance that it would be the best thing you've ever done.

As long as you both agree to being searingly honest about how you're both feeling, however terrifying it might be to admit to certain things, I think you two have got enough going for you to withstand it.

It means being really brave, Orm, but you come across to me as being someone with a lot of moral courage.

OrmIrian Tue 03-Nov-09 07:39:38

BTW thankyou for "witty, fiercely intelligent woman with huge compassion for others" grin. Loving that description. But I suspect if I was that intelligent I'd have sorted this out by now hmm

ABetaDad Tue 03-Nov-09 08:56:58

OrmIrian - for some reason you and I often end up the same threads and have always read what you say with interest. I once said to you that I always sensed a contradiction in your posts and know that stems in part from your illness.

My mother had depression for many years and she and my Dad stated together depite it and my mother neer getting any medicla help.

I agree with WhenwillIfeelnormal and sometimes wonder how your DH really feels. It must be awfully hard for him too. Counselling must surely be a way forward that is worth a try rather drugs and periods of deep unhappiness.

OrmIrian Tue 03-Nov-09 11:03:30

I think it must be abetadad. Poor sod sad. But until a few years ago I didn't recognise the pattern in my ups and downs - just thought it was me being me and used to keep giving myself metaphorical slaps round the head to snap out of it. Which sometimes worked hmm. So I suppose he just took it as part of my personality (which oddly enough he loves). Now I know it's something else and I can do something about it.

BeginningAnew Tue 03-Nov-09 11:33:11

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OrmIrian Tue 03-Nov-09 11:40:06

Thanks beginning! Your rooted me out grin You may now realise that some of my comments on your thread were done to a little bit of envy.

I suspect that couselling for me would be a good start but the cost alone would freak me out! No, not in London.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Tue 03-Nov-09 12:19:44

Orm - has your depression been diagnosed as a chemical imbalance (hence the tablets) or a situational depression? I will say up front that I don't think I've ever been truly depressed, so forgive me if I lack understanding - and I think to feel genuine empathy, one has to have undergone a similar trauma. However, I have various friends and members of my family that have suffered from depression, so I have real sympathy.

I wonder also at the amount of people who are on anti-depressants and the way GPs seem to think that they are a panacea for problems that could be better solved by a counsellor. The cost of NHS counselling (or even a cross charge to a private practitioner) would surely be less than the cost of these drugs.

In that sense, I wonder whether it might be time to visit your GP and ask for a referral for NHS (free) counselling? Also, Relate will see you on your own if you want at first and they do have a sliding scale of charges - someone on here last night said that she was charged only £10 a session.

But whilst I know nothing about your family budget Orm, I wonder whether the cost is really the issue here?

Happy to act as a sounding board on what you believe are the pros and cons of having counselling - there's no risk to you whatsoever doing that and it might help clear your head a bit.

You're worth this, you know - and so is your lovely DH.

BeginningAnew Tue 03-Nov-09 13:23:08

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BeginningAnew Tue 03-Nov-09 13:53:19

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OrmIrian Wed 04-Nov-09 08:41:49

No it didn't sound unsupportive at all beginning. But the money is an issue - however if I wasn't already terrified at the idea it probably wouldn't be iyswim hmm

I haven't dared to broach the subject with DH - I'm afraid that he will interpret it as meaning that I am unhappy with him. Perhaps I should tell a little white lie that the GP advised it? I am going to see him this morning.

whenwill - I am not 100% sure of the difference but I suspect it is chemical - it comes round every few years like bloody clock-work angry regardless of what is going on in my life. Same pattern every time - a summer (and it usually is a summer) when I am high as a kite, lose weight, have loads of energy, which slowly turns to nervous energy and increasing anxiety and then I begin to spend my life in a permanent state of panic and then I get depressed. I have got through it without help before but that was before I had DC -I can't be out of commission for months these days. WHat was shocking about this time was that it didn't go away when I came off the anti-Ds - it normally does.

BeginningAnew Wed 04-Nov-09 11:27:17

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Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 04-Nov-09 11:34:44

Orm - I have been on ADs for a few months and I've just had a short stint of counselling through my GP. It has been hugely helpful and I will be going back for more in a few months once I've had a chance to work through some things on my own.

Please do think about giving it a go.

Yes your DH is a star for being supportive when you are down and suffering, but there is nothing wrong in it being his turn to bear the burdens. I've followed a few of your threads recently and he has his part to play in this too.

bluejeans Wed 04-Nov-09 19:48:57

Hi Ormirian

Sorry things are a bit crap for you just now. I always enjoy your posts - you are the voice of reason (anti-Halloween thread for example grin)

I too thought counselling would not be an option for me due to cost, however I was able to get six sessions through work - might this be an option for you?

I spoke to HR as I was struggling to cope with everything and it was starting to affect work and they told me about the staff welfare thing. Thought it was worth mentioning in case your work place has anything. The company paid but I saw an independent counsellor near my home and it was of course anonymous - I only had to fill in a form at the end to say how useful I'd found it which got sent back to work. My boss etc didn't get told I'd been

Hope this helps and good luck

OrmIrian Wed 04-Nov-09 20:39:05

Thanks everyone.

bluejeans - I am fairly sure that isn't an option but I may speak to the occupational nurse.

alibaba - the GP didn't mention counselling. Nice bloke but as usual I forget everything I wanted to say. I have another prescription for 20mg again. He did ask if I had had any 'silly thoughts'.... hmm 'Yes I wondered if the clouds really are made of candy floss and after planes fly through them do mechanics lick them clean when they land'..... But that wasn't what he meant apparently. I think that was the extent of the counselling. I have however found a name of someone who is supposed to be OK nearby.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Thu 05-Nov-09 13:20:10

Hi Orm - Oh, I love your humour! And FWIW, when ever anyone uses the word "silly" in relation to adult behaviour, it makes me want to punch them on the nose! Often think that GPs don't get the right "people skills" training at all.

Thanks for updating on your depression - it sounds bi-polar in nature. Getting the medication right for that particular condition can be very hard indeed.

Orm, don't you think your H knows that something is wrong? I don't think it's best to start this journey with a lie, white or otherwise. However, I think the most important thing here is for you to get some counselling, but think that if you sat DH down and said: "Look, you know that we have been having a lot of rows - I want to have some counselling to help us resolve conflicts in a better way. The way I react to things might be related to my depression, but it shocked me as well as you the other day when a row ended up with me saying I wanted a divorce. The depression might be a condition that we've got to live with for the rest of our lives - but I want us to be able to resolve any disagreement we have without things getting out of proportion - and depression medication won't help us to do that."

From what I've read about your DH, he could also do with some help resolving conflicts - I saw your thread the other day about his need to "blame" family members. It was strange reading it. I could really relate to what you were saying - my H can be quite frightening when he raises his voice (to the kids) and he has always been less tolerant than me with them. He is however far more patient and tolerant now - you know my story and the changes my H has made. I also agree with you, I don't like the notion that parents are always right and I think children actually learn a lot when a parent says: "Look, I got this wrong - and I'm sorry".

However - I also thought that if my H said "Oh, who did that?" in a cross fashion now it wouldn't jar much at all. This is because my perspective on him is different. I do know that if you're already full of doubts about someone, even small things they do take on disproportionate significance.

Having thought long and hard about your situation Orm (and do keep posting) I think you might benefit from some counselling on your own first, followed up by some couple counselling. I think you've made an incredibly brave first step this week in finding the name of a counsellor - please take that second step and book an appointment - and don't give up if that counsellor is not the right fit for you.

I think you will be shocked at how liberating (but upsetting) it will be for you to say the truth that dare not speak its name: "I'm here because I'm having doubts about my marriage" but this is the one place where you can be really honest about your feelings.

I also think if you approach this in the way I've suggested with your H, it won't come as a bolt from the blue for him if after a while, you suggest going together for counselling. If I read your H correctly Orm, he will actually do anything to keep his marriage. That's not to say he won't be frightened by all this - but he's probably got so used to living with (possibly unacknowledged) sadness, that any change to the status quo will seem threatening.

Orm, what I'm saying is that you might have to live with depression all your life - but you can take tablets to mitigate against the effects of that. You don't however have to live with dissatisfaction and doubts about your marriage for your whole life - it would be such a wasted opportunity if you didn't try to treat that now.

You know my situation - and I look back now and think of some wasted years with my DH. Like you, I would never have suggested counselling for us, because I had sort of resigned myself to not feeling passion and desire and after so long (and so many attempts to get him to change) I reasoned that he wasn't going to change. So I did quite a number on myself convincing myself that it was all okay really. Plus, I loved him deeply and despite all of my reservations, there were things about him that I did appreciate enormously; his kindness, his work ethic, his desire and pride in me, the gestures he made that showed how much he loved me (resonate Orm? Your H recently surprised you with the anniversary meal?)

When I talk to H now, he describes the feelings of sadness he had, that he loved me more than I loved him. However, it was not something he thought about every day by any means - it was just something he knew. And if someone had asked him two years ago if that were true, I think he would have gasped at the truth that someone had been brave enough to speak...but it's not something that he would ever have confronted. Perhaps your H is the same? In long marriages, so much of this stuff goes unacknowledged - until a crisis situation forces the couple to face up to what has been happening in the marriage.

I feel so very differently about my marriage now, because it's based on truth, honesty, intimacy and really good quality communication between us. We also both know now that we love each other equally and deeply - and that's so empowering.

I try not to rue those fallow years, but I wouldn't want anyone to go through them unnecessarily - or be forced to confront these issues as a result of a crisis like ours.

CarGirl Thu 05-Nov-09 13:27:24

My dh loved me far more than I loved him during the many many years I was depressed. He even married that knowing it and knowing I was no longer the person he fell in love with.

I am now better, no longer depressed at all. We have talked about it and I cried over how he married me knowing the way it was - how much he values us as a family unit.

I had lots of pyscotherapy to help with my depression and it helped hugely and we have both made an effort to be truthful with each other over everything (without being unkind/nasty) and to change unhealthy patterns between us.

Having therapy/counselling is very hard emotional it changes your world upside down and back to front but it was well woth it. You do need to see it as a long term treatment and not a quick fix and accept that things may be worse for a while before they get better.

OrmIrian Thu 05-Nov-09 13:40:42

Thanks cargirl - you see accepting that I love hime less than he loves me will be very hard for DH, even if he knows it deep down.

whenwill - what can I say. Thankyou so much for all your advice. I am so moved by the interest you take in my problems and the effort you take to advise me. It is phenomenal that someone I have never met should care. I am going to try to broach the subject with DH this weekend.

I know that things can't carry on. Whatever the cause things are not 100% chez orm.

CarGirl Thu 05-Nov-09 13:42:56

But now I'm better I can see it's not that I love him less it's just that I'm very cut off from loving anyone because I don't want to feel vulnerable.

I'm 100% committed to dh but making that emotional step towards allowing myself to be vulnerable by "loving him" 110% is very difficult and something still in progress.

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