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Its still not that bad...

(58 Posts)
notaloud Sun 01-Nov-09 21:22:00

...I have posted on here many times under various different names. I had to stop for a while as Dh found lots of my posts, terrible things about my deepest darkest thoughts, and it has taken me a long time to work up the courgage to come back.

I suspect that things weren;t right from the start. Little things. Mainly just very bad arguments where things got flung (by him) and there was lots of name calling, door slamming, a need for me to always be the one to apologise.

And it has mainly stayed this way. Only over the 13 years I have learnt to keep quiet. Countering the arguments always made them worse. Although I know it also makes things worse to keep quiet I feel that this is much better than arguing back. I have turned myself into a dorrmat during these times. I should have stood up for myself but now it seems too late.

His mum jokes about when he was a young boy, he would have his "red rages" where he would get so worked up that he turned bright red. I should have taken note.

I progressed with the relationship because most of the time he was and is a lovely guy. More one for the grand guesture than the every day stuff, but thats ok.

I have sufferend from depression. I am selfconcious and a bit introverted, I worry about what other people think of me a lot.

The arguments have been fairly regular. And with them the little bits of name calling and put downs. Mostly that I am immature, selfish, lazy, don't think about him enough, don't make enough time to spend with him, don't want sex enough, don't initiate sex. I have taken all these on board and got to a point a couple of years ago when I started self harming because I believed I was a pathetic excuse for a human being.

Exactly 2 years ago there was a physical incident in front of my daughter. I can't forget or forgive this. We tried Relate but were told we couldn't come back when they learned of the incident. We attended a domestic abuse course together (it was just one day) which was excruciating. Nothing has changed. He was supposed to go on a longer DA course but made excuses not to go.

Most of the time it is still just the arguments that are the bad times. He has not been physical with me since, but he does block my passage from a room, and he does hold my wrists (lightly but securely) when he wants to get his point across.

I now go to work full time and he supports me in this. I also have a regular activity one evening a week which he has been encouraging about.

However I was seeing a counsellor and he very much did not like that. He would ask all the time about what we had talked about, and when I stopped going after I missed a few sessions he has not suggested I go back! He hated me talking to my counsellor and I know he also hates me talking to my best friend about things.

I am living in a bubble with him. I make all the right noises but I feel like I am dead inside. I can't move on. I was going to leave 2 years ago, I really was but I don't know why I just didn't.

I can't talk about any of my real feelings with him for fear of starting off another argument, and I suppose really I am afraid that he will really lose it again.

To make things worse I am due to have some very personal surgery soon, I am very scared and embarassed. I haven;t wanted sex for a while because it is uncomfortable but have done it for him. The nearer to my operation the less I want it. And to be fair he has generally been quite good about that, but everytime he makes it clear what he wants and I have to reitterate my not wanting to I just feel worse about it.
I feel like I don't want him with me for the surgery but I can't tell him that because he will twig my real feelings.
I should also add that I probably haven;t really wanted sex in the last few years anyway, mainly because I feel like he has betrayed my trust in him, and that I am living a sham marriage.

I don't know what I expect anyone to say to all this. I have read such terrible things on here and my lot isn't really so bad. But I can't seem to get over it. Either I should just get over it, or find some inner strength to do something about it.

AnyFucker Sun 01-Nov-09 21:25:23

dear god, I have no words

this is the saddest, most upsetting post I have read for a while

I am sorry OP, I wanted to acknowledge you but I have no idea what to say or where to start

FrayedKnot Sun 01-Nov-09 21:41:48

It is bad, though, isn;t it sad

All of it.

This man has driven you to self harm. He's been violent and is physically controlling. He makes your life a misery if you don't comply with his requests, including sex.

Maybe the reason he hates you seeing the counsellor is he is afraid they might suggest his behaviour is unreasonable and that you should leave him.

Do you want help?

clam Sun 01-Nov-09 21:42:17

I'm with AnyF. This is all so very sad.

Is this how you want to live your life? And if not, how would you like it to be?

GroundhogsRocketScientist Sun 01-Nov-09 21:42:24

Argh, notaloud, I so wish I were your RL friend, I'd get in my car and come get you out of there.

Sweetheart, you seem to be almost dead inside, almost resigned to your lot. That's not life.

OK so my life is far from perfect, but what you are going through, and added to this is the fear that it all may kick off again, is an unreasonable burden for you to have to bear.

Please understand one thing, WHEN you get out, you life WILL be immeasurably better.

Sure you will be scared, scared of the unknown, but you will never need to be scared of this man and his moods ever again.

You have shown yourself to be a woman of unimaginable strength. You are still here, still questioning yourself, there is a little piece of you that is still there, still fighting for you to have a better life.

Please God, may you find the inner strength to do one thing, only one thing and that is to GET OUT.

You are working, so save up, be late home a few times a week and once you have a pattern established, go looking for a place to rent.

Pack a bag, bit by bit, get all documents together, store them under your desk at work if you have to...

But please call Womens Aid. PLEASE?

AnyFucker Sun 01-Nov-09 21:44:24

same here groundhogs

I would get in my car, right now and take this woman out of that situation

I feel sick

notaloud Sun 01-Nov-09 21:53:09

But what if its all my fault? What if I made it this way?

My mum is still in her EA marriage. What if thats all I know, and I am "playing the victim" like he says I am?

CarGirl Sun 01-Nov-09 21:54:49

Does it matter if you play the victim?

You are miserable and frightened that is no way to live. Call WA and leave, he is panicking, he will up the anti.

junglist1 Sun 01-Nov-09 21:56:00

He is still abusing you. I agree with calling Womens Aid. You sound like you're in shock to me, could possibly have post traumatic stress from dealing with this piece of shit. People who haven't experienced abuse don't always understand that we have to become numb to survive. If you can't, get angry. Answer back if it's safe to do so. You don't deserve this. There's always hope in these situations. LOVE YOURSELF

AnyFucker Sun 01-Nov-09 21:56:09

I am sorry notaloud, but I don't feel qualified to advise you

I actually cannot bring myself to answer any of your queries

you need professional, RL help

and soon

notaloud Sun 01-Nov-09 21:57:36

Things haven't got any worse though over time, in fact the arguments are fewer between. And he is supportive of my work and hobbies.

And he is probably really scared of losing me and that is why it is so important for him to feel close to me, and it must be shit when I can't return that love.

GroundhogsRocketScientist Sun 01-Nov-09 21:58:12

Jeez, there'd be a bloody convoy!

OP, When you're depressed, people seem to take the opportunity to remind you that as bad as things may feel, there is always worse.

This is true, there is always worse.

But do we need to feel grateful we're not being swung about by our hair, held by our wrists, or just having a livid red face 1/2" away from ours screaming at the top of their lungs of all the areas in which we are useless? The answer to that is NO.

There IS a life out there, there is a choice and it's yours. Last time I ventured outside I noticed that we are not in Afghanistan or similar, we women have a right and indeed a duty to live happily and peacefully. We don't necessarily need to attain the giddy heights of all our hopes and dreams, but by the same token, we do not want, nor deserve some bully to come and stamp all over us, and our dreams.

While there is a breath in your body, you have a choice. While your heart beats, you have a right to happiness. With every breath that you inhale you have the right to enjoy the sweet smell of freedom and with every breath you exhale you have the right to feel release and relaxation.

If you can't do this for you, FGS do it for your daughter. Is this what you want her to be taught to expect... Would you wish this life for her? If you don't get her out, she'll be hobbled so much, that this is the only life she would be able to know.

junglist1 Sun 01-Nov-09 21:58:30

Oh and don't say it's your fault. He does have a mother who thinks his rages are hilarious, after all.

CarGirl Sun 01-Nov-09 22:00:14

arguments are fewer because you are no longer rocking the boat by telling him how you feel and what you think.

GroundhogsRocketScientist Sun 01-Nov-09 22:02:16


OP, this is SOOO not your fault. Remember what HIS mother told you about the red mists???? That's HIM, HIS nature. Please don't EVER think that you did anything to provoke this, you didn't. If it weren't you, it'd be someone else he'd be abusing.

Your Mum may still be in a EA relationship, so perhaps she's hoping her DH will just do the decent thing and die on her....

But how would you feel if you knew that a few years down the line you are looking at your daughter in the same position? Would you wish that on her?

If you don't get out now, she'll never learn what normal life is, and will find her own EAer.

notaloud Sun 01-Nov-09 22:10:43

I have lots to think about.

Some of this I have heard before and some is new to me.

I did try to leave him last year. Because of housing he went away for a while, but I don't know what happened and he ended up back here and all was forgotten (or not in my case).

He is very intelligent and he runs rings round me with his arguments. I consider myself intelligent too, but maybe its because I just shut down in the arguments and I go into my shell.

I have to get through my surgery. I can;t think about anything else until then.

The thing is that I am so good at acting now, that I don't know what is truth and what isn't. Life is easier when I play along, and it would be easy to just push my thoughts under the carpet. Thats what I do.

I have spoken to WA in the past, even attended a course - though due to work only got to one meeting. They don't call me any more. What can they do if I am not actually going to leave him?

AnyFucker Sun 01-Nov-09 22:12:08

what would it take for you to decide you cannot carry on ?

GroundhogsRocketScientist Sun 01-Nov-09 22:25:48

OK understand about the surgery, Grade A Wuss here...

Get yourself through that...when is it booked for?

While you are recovering think about what you would like a decent day to be like. Try and remember how liberated you were when DH was not living with you.

The truth is you deserve better, the truth is that he is abusing you, and that is unacceptable to just about every human being on the planet that isn't an abuser themselves.

Imagine how marvellous it would be NOT to have to play along, to be able to think as you want, laugh, say or do whatever you want to?

WA, and indeed no-one can do anything to help you if you are not going to leave. you'll end up like your mum, waiting. Waiting for death. Either her own, or the DH.

YOU HAVE TO COMMIT TO GETTING YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER OUT, only then can a myriad of organisations, individuals and professionals do anything to help you in your return to the free world.

What WOULD it take indeed for you to decide to do something about it.

notaloud Sun 01-Nov-09 22:26:39

I don't know where the logic comes from behind this, but if he were to hit me, I would leave.

I think he knows that though, so I don't think he would ever take that step further.

Thinking about it though I do know where that comes from. My dad once hit my sister, and my mum freaked out. He never did it again.

notaloud Sun 01-Nov-09 22:30:22

I don't know a different life. I have been with him since uni.

I went straight from my dad to my DH.

AnyFucker Sun 01-Nov-09 22:32:00

so you wait for an insignificant (in the scheme of things) hit to galvanise you ?

but you are willing to tolerate a death by a million tiny blows ?

and for your dd to grow up thinking this is how relationhips should be ?

and this is how people who are supposed to love each other should behave ?

You are dead inside and the longer you stay, the more you lose yourself

shabbapinkfrog Sun 01-Nov-09 22:35:21

In a few months I will have been married for 32 years.

1. You could be telling my story.

2. Because of personal circumstances I never 'got out' - I stayed because.....I dont know.

3. I feel like I have wasted my life except for my four precious sons.

4. My 'lot' is much improved - oh who the hell am I kidding.

I only have one thought for your survival....'Get out and run like the wind.'

notaloud Sun 01-Nov-09 22:50:55

Thank you all.

I will be back when I can but either at work which is not ideal, or when DH is out.

There is a twinkle of light. I am not completely dead inside yet.

SPF - I am sorry you have had to live like this for 32 years. Sorry and also scared of me turning into you. x

DippyDino Mon 02-Nov-09 00:00:48

Would just like to say, as a point of comparison...

I have been off sex for around 18 months, (we've probably had sex around 4 times in that time!)

Talked it over with dh a long time ago, he understands my reasons for Not Fancying It, it is something that will come right eventually, and dh says "I miss it, but it doesn't matter, I just want to be with you."

Sex isn't a service that you provide for someone else, and it sounds like that's how your dh views it?

PerArduaAdAstra Mon 02-Nov-09 00:08:47

notaloud - you can still phone WA - they're not going to judge you for still being with this man, and they can support you whether you stay or go.

You have your coping strategies, but obviously it's not enough for you now. Maybe the surgery's making you think of how your life could be? At least if you talk to WA, you can get an outreach worker to talk to, who you can be honest with - open up to - remind yourself that you're still alive?

And the same for you SPF - are you going to stay another 32 years? It's never too late...

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