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Torturing myself

(11 Posts)
mollybob Sun 01-Nov-09 20:26:25

Apologies - this will be long as it's part catharsis and goes back years

Me and DH have been married 13 years after a whirlwind romance. The full love at first sight thing - we got married after only 3.5 months because my Dad went nuts at the thought of us living in sin and DH was living at home but couldn't stay there as abusive father was making his life miserable. He was 28 and I was 24. After 2 years we had DS and my MIL died - DH had a breakdown and I became the breadwinner and he became the SAHD and recovered.
3 years on I was working part-time, as was he and we were juggling the childcare really well and we had DD. I hated where we were living because we were in a grotty rented cottage and I felt very isolated as hardly knew anyone (we'd moved there with my job as I had a 2 year contract offer and there was nothing ideal where we'd been living before but moving when 6 months pregnant was tough). It was a long way from my parents and they hated it too. I think I was probably a bit depressed but I was desperate to leave but there was nowhere to go. I tried to get back to where we'd been before, told everyone if a job came up I'd love to come back etc. Initially DH wasn't keen on the new location but he started to settle and didn't tell me because I was low and he didn't want to upset me. Fast forward 6 months and I started getting told a job was coming up, perfect for me and lots of flattery etc. I was a bit more settled by then (I reckon it takes 18 months to settle anywhere IME) I wasn't depressed any more, was making friends, had starting getting fit and losing weight (always been a heifer). But I guess they turned my head and DH's only argument against moving back was would he get a job and I figured that was lack of confidence as he is very talented etc etc. I formally applied for the job although asked DH to post the application for me and that if he thought it was a bad move he shouldn't post it. Then a job came up where we were that would have been good for him - better money and would have meant we could buy a house and settle properly there - my contract was ending but I'd have probably got some agency type work - enough to get by if he was earning more. He didn't apply for it and I was offered the new job and took it - I asked him before the interview if I should tell them I needed to sleep on it if I was offered it but he said no. Almost immediately after committing myself to new job in old location and us buying a house there, he told me he didn't want to move. I couldn't easily pull out - not least because this was Scotland and it's much harder to pull out of house purchases there.

We moved and it was dreadful for months. I thought we'd break up over it. He stopped talking to me - I screeched at him. Very black time - some of his behaviour bordered on emotional abuse but I was no angel. He did get a job in new location in time and it settled a bit but the biggest problem was my new job was a total nightmare - which I probably deserved.

We stuck it there for 3 years and then moved to Ireland to be near my family - parents getting older etc - this was his suggestion to get away from miserable job and we walked away in a better place than we'd been - having sold the house with a decent profit but we were still shaky.

Ireland has been better for me work wise but not long after getting here DH had a major breakdown - he spent 2 years in and out of psychiatric hospital and has been diagnosed as having bipolar. He nearly died about 3 times. He has a good psychiatrist now and is slowly recovering. Our DCs are doing well at school and I'm glad we've been near my parents over the past few years. But I continue to feel guilty about the way our relationship went over the move 7 years ago. We've done Relate and we have moved on - he says he really loves me and we get on well - there has been no abusive behaviour from either of us for years. I adore him and appreciate him so much because I came so close to losing him. He is a great Dad and no matter how bad things got between us he never did anything to jeopardise the kids. They witnessed some fighting, obviously but it wasn't just one way bad behaviour. I said some vicious things to him too. We don't fight any more, hardly ever.

So what's the problem? I'm pregnant - 11 weeks and I've been desperate for another baby for years. I'm having a rough time with pregnancy sickness and having to keep working because DH isn't well enough as yet to work although he does look after the house and the kids. I've started to realise that part of the reason I've been wanting another baby is to recapture better times and to make up for when I made us move against his wishes. I didn't listen to him properly and even though I've put my side here I know I wasn't fair to him back then. I have never forgiven myself - he says he forgives me but how can I be sure? We went through this at Relate and I thought it was forgotten but I can't stop thinking about how I made him sick. I know it's worse at the moment because of my hormones. I am so down. I don't want this baby at all - I am really struggling to cope.

Sorry for the long post - appreciate anyone bothering to read or reply

CarGirl Sun 01-Nov-09 20:29:53

sorry you are in this mess.

Can you go to some counselling right now to work through what you want. Can you talk frankly with your DH about the situation?

cahu Sun 01-Nov-09 20:31:46

Do not beat yourself about the past. Look to the brilliant future you and your family can have. You have been through a lot but you are all ok and still together....

bettyboooooooooo Sun 01-Nov-09 21:26:14

mollybob, I couldn't read your OP and not post a message.
You did what you thought was the right thing to do all that time ago. Please don't beat yourself up about that.
You didn't cause you DH to get bipolar, it sounds as if you have been a very supportive and loving wife whilst he has been poorly.
You sound like you have a solid relationship that manages to withstand all that life has thrown at you both.
You are lucky to have each other. smile

EcoMouse Mon 02-Nov-09 03:15:20

Molly, if your DH has bi-polar it is certain that he would have suffered similarly had you stayed where you were.

Moving at that time led to a sequence of events which led you closer to your family by the time your DH reached crisis points.

Funny how things work out? Please let go of the guilt you feel over your wish to move, try to see it as the catalyst which ultimately sent you and your family to a more positive place to cope with what has followed.

It does sound as though your hormones are giving you a rough ride, you have my empathy! By that I don't mean to deny in any way what you are currently experiencing, I experienced some very dark days during pregnancy and 'torturing myself' was exactly what I was doing too.

Please take steps to seek advice/support due not least to the possibility of ante-natal depression.

mollybob Mon 02-Nov-09 17:50:13

Thanks for the support - I know a lot of it is hormones. I spoke to DH yesterday and he says he HAS forgiven me. I don't know why I suddenly feel so unsure (probably hormones as he has done nothing to lead me to think he is still angry with me) I haven't quite forgiven myself. I also look back on that time about DD was born as some of the happiest times ever. Maybe that was why I was so desperate to have another baby - to recapture something but of course I can't really. I know that he hadn't been diagnosed then but he still clearly had bipolar then, looking back with the wisdom of hindsight and if I knew then what I know now I would have been much more considerate of his frailty.

bigchris Mon 02-Nov-09 17:57:33

agree with the others
you have to try to forget the past
have you had counselling on your own?
it is so hard to live with someone with depression but it is not your fault

mollybob Mon 02-Nov-09 22:33:29

haven't done counselling for me - no time with caring for DH, DS and DD and now sproglet and working 3 jobs - know it is something I should do but so busy just surviving most weeks

EcoMouse Mon 02-Nov-09 22:40:51

Molly, you didn't know then what you know now! Try to be more kind to your former self. Allow yourself the same compassion you would feel towards anyone who had made the same choice (or mistake as you see it). Would you judge them as harshly as you are judging your past self? I doubt it!

You can't recapture a replication of the happiness surrounding your DDs birth by any means, it was a different time, place and baby. That doesn't detract from the happiness that this baby will inevitably bring in it's own right, it will be different but it needn't be less happy and this time there are two elder siblings to join in that joy.

Try to look to the future, the past has passed and I'm sure all of us would have done certain things in a different way, had we had the awareness, wisdom or tools available to do so. Generally these aren't things we're born with! They are aspects of ourselves that we develop over time or that develop through life experience and 'mistakes'.

I am concerned by the extremity of your obsession over this experience and again, I do think you ought to seek support/someone to talk with, other than your DH.

mollybob Mon 02-Nov-09 22:51:26

I hadn't thought about it for years - had dreamt about something that triggered memories - my dreams at the moment are very vivid and freaky and that has set it all off. I am not generally this hard on myself - I used to be but have got to thinking I'm pretty good at most stuff and have a lot to be proud of an grateful for.

Probably the hormones and intensity of pregnancy mostly setting me off - feel very insecure about DH in all sorts of ways. He adores me and we have been so good together over recent years even while he's been ill - we've pulled together, not apart.

Need to focus on letting it go and will look at counselling when life a bit less hectic (not exactly sure when that will be)

hmm

EcoMouse Mon 02-Nov-09 23:24:58

grin make time! You need and deserve time to yourself whether you choose to put it to counselling or something else.

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