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Weighed down with 2 boyfriends, a right old pickle.

(18 Posts)
Kally Sun 01-Nov-09 18:51:33

I fell out with a guy I have been dating (have posted on here before about this). I know all the factors are downsided with regard to this relationship. We don't see a lot of each other as it's a LDR and he has let me down continually. We have never had an out and out argument where we yell at each other, but I kicked it to the curb about August because 2 months went by without us meeting due to all the excuses under the sun. It has become unspoken, but I never go to his and have never been to his in 2.5 years. Mostly the reasons are financial and his change of job and him going thru an unsettled period. He kept in touch daily and 'wept' about not being able to see me... says he loves me etc da de da da da.. He is not married and lives in a shared house. That is his excuse, I guess.

Meantime, during this breakup, I met another man who has proved to be far more enthusiastic and makes the effort to get to me, keeps the relationship going. After our second date, I went to his place and stayed over and he was lovely, cooked a nice meal and went to great lengths to show his appreciation etc. He lives about the same distance away (in a different direction)

Then boyfriend Nr. 1 came to bring me the things he bought for me and my DD whilst working in Scotland. He could see I was miffed and offish. I should have said there and then about the fact that I had met another person and although it is early stages, I still should have mentioned it, but I didn't. Nr.1 was being typically sweet and I just didn't have the heart, plus, despite all, I care for him, I was very close to him emotionally even though he didn't fulfill things, I saw it as unfortunate circumstances beyond our control. He begged to be given another chance to prove himself now things were straightening out for him.

I thought (and proves I am right) he won't be able to, he can't pop over and get to see me, I still won't go to his and it will fall into the old rut and he'll think it's 'fine'. That is how it is. I haven't actually seen him for about a month, again. So the old pattern is there. He can't overcome this.

Meanwhile, Nr.2 is 'all that'. He loves it when I go to his, he drives rain and shine to see me, gets on 'greyhound' cheap buses if he's low cash wise, you know... does figure 8's in the air to get to me. Awww smile.

I can't manage with this situation. I don't know how to end it with Nr.1 as I have not given off the right signals at all. I am at fault here and hate myself for it. You shouldn't do that to people, and I feel awful whenever either one phones. I feel like backing out of both when really I should show backbone and 'do' what should be done. But I know that Nr1 has had such a hard lot lately and through it all has always professed his love for me, although it hasn't actually 'shown' through with regard to actually 'being there'. Ugh... just the thought of it weighs me down. I haven't encouraged Nr1 to come down and have been away at my sisters for half term (so have seen neither) but Nr2 phoned daily and is eager to see me.

Has anyone else been in this awful situation? Shall I just let Nr1 drift into the grey realms of friendship?. Not actually 'say' but avoid at all costs? Then he'll get the message?

AnyFucker Sun 01-Nov-09 18:59:03

kally, I am probably the wrong person to post on this particular thread as I have seen all your others

my advice remains the same

kick no.1 to the kerb

he is inadequate as a boyfriend and partner

he will never be what you need

he is weak and pretty fucking useless, tbh

you should have been clear it was over

you are not, by any chance, wanting to keep your options open are you ? be honest

does no.2 know about no.1 waiting in the wings

because you are playing a dangerous game tbh

you are running the risk of no.2 (who sounds much more like a man) getting pissed off with your indecisiveness and running or the hills

and, tbh, I wouldn't blame him

unless, of course, you just want to be friends with both of them, in which case, tell them this, clearly

BitOfFun Sun 01-Nov-09 18:59:27

You still doing this? grin

Bite the bullet, woman!

SheWillBeLoved Sun 01-Nov-09 18:59:37

No, just tell him. I can't believe you still haven't. I remember all of your threads regarding this situation.

Tell him it's over. You aren't being fair to him, and you aren't being fair to the new guy (who by the way sounds absolutely lovely)

You barely see him as it is, really, it won't be as traumatic as you think it will be to officially break it off with him. It's not like you live together and would have to see his reaction and the aftermath. A firm "This isn't, and never will work, I'm with someone who can commit to me" should do it.

Failing that, post is number and I'll bloody do it!

AnyFucker Sun 01-Nov-09 19:02:07

no <shoves shewillbeloved outta the way>

I wanna tell him

let me, let me

he sounds fucking useless and needs telling, tbh

what an excuse for a man

sorry kally, I know I sound a bit insulting about him, but ffs, where is the passion, the excitement, the relationship

there isn't one, as far as I can see

Flightattendant Sun 01-Nov-09 19:02:49

How do you feel about them, each of them...you say nice stuff about no.2 but do you really like him? it's all very well having him like you but you need to feel it could be potentially a really good relationship, not just a - sorry to say this - bargaining tool?

I am possibly way off here but it does occur to me that you are enjoying being adored and made a fuss of but actually still very attached to no. 1 and wishing he would do all this instead of being so distant in every way.

You need to decide what YOU want, not what they want...iyswim smile

Fabster Sun 01-Nov-09 19:03:10

What has changed since you last posted as the advice is still the same. Ditch number 1.

Kally Sun 01-Nov-09 19:07:37

I know, shame on me. sad

I suppose it's because I don't see Nr1. He's is the one in the wings.

Neither know about each other which is shitty and sneaky. Although I haven't been 'physical' with Nr1 since I met Nr.2 . At first I was thinking, 'well, it's early days yet, Nr2 could be a flash in the pan' so yes, to a point I guess I was keeping it loose.

Having been with Nr2 made me realise how 'normal' he is. Nr 1 is far from it but I can't bring myself to do what is needed and I've just left it all hanging. sad

Flightattendant Sun 01-Nov-09 19:07:43

Sorry gals, don't remember previous threads! <listen to them mate> grin

Flightattendant Sun 01-Nov-09 19:12:20

ell it soudns as though you're undecided.
In which case I can understand not telling anyone but also would have advocated not sleeping with no.2 until you had...iyswim.

now you have done so you#re in a sticky situation and will really need to decide NOW that no.1 is on the way out and you are seeing someone else (no.2)

and make it very clear - you owe it to them both really.

It's simple - you tell no 1 that you have 'met someone else and are seeing him, and yes, it is serious, and you are sorry'.

He might weep and wail a bit but at the end of it, he lives a long way away and will just have to deal with it.
It sounds really gamey, like he gets something out of the separation...maybe he was pushed out by his mother...who knows smile

Tell him you're dating no 2, you're taken, you can't be with him - if it goes tits up with no 2, you can go back to no 1 of course but don't keep him hanging.

This seems to me the only right way to do it at this juncture. You can always blow off no 2 if he gets boring and you decide you don't like him. And it'll give no 1 the kick up the arse he needs if he really does love you.

Flightattendant Sun 01-Nov-09 19:12:52

*well

Kally Sun 01-Nov-09 19:16:59

I really like Nr2. Not because he's filling a gap... no...

he's all there, he's funny and isn't making me feel as if there is hidden stuff (altho Nr1 swears everything is cool and nothing to hide). I suppose having been so far up the ladder with the emotional thing with him (Nr1)... and it's still where it always was... nowhere.

I am going to do it. I am. Just scared of letting go I suppose. We did have something so good going, until I realised it wasn't actually 'going' and I am just getting all heated up about something that is a nothing.

Perhaps I should just be very distant and evasive and not answer his calls.

Flightattendant Sun 01-Nov-09 19:21:16

Kally,
there's no reason to muck about. You are single. You have met a bloke who ticks your boxes. You're going to date him for a while and see if it works out, and you hope it does.

You owe no.1 nothing.

Seriosuly. Just be direct. He's not your responsibility, and there's nothing to stop you being friends if you want to! You don't have tolose him completely just because your relationship isn't working.

I am friends with several ex partners, it's fine. Just try hard not to give him the impression you are 'maybe' dating no.2, you are DEFinitely dating no.2 and need to put all your energy inot that - no. 2 deserves it doesn't he?

Flightattendant Sun 01-Nov-09 19:22:43

Plus at this point you mIGHT get away with it!!!! wink you've done nothing wrong imo so far apart from dithering and being afraid of letting people down.

Be honest, you've nothing to fear, blokes prefer it anyway.

Kally Sun 01-Nov-09 19:25:11

Thanks Flightattendant. So clarified. Yes, they do prefer it.

Fabster Sun 01-Nov-09 19:34:34

Can you not just text Mr 1 and say you want to finish the relationship?

princess09 Sun 01-Nov-09 19:37:25

Hi Kally, i am new to this but you seem a very nice a genuine lady. I can see what you mean about nr 1 and nr 2 but by the sound ov it the other guys who have left comments also are so correct nr 1 is no good he sounds very selfish and just wants you as and when required i am so pleased you have found nr 2 . Hope all goes well please keep us up to date but please kick nr 1 to the curb no good babes you can never be happy with some one who dosen't want to spend time with you. Please be careful but take care and have fun :-)

p.s please LOL i would love to ring nr 1 and tell him i am now going to read all your threads to catch up your a great explainer wtg you wink xxxx

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 01-Nov-09 19:43:22

Do NOT just avoid No1 in the hopes he'll get the message. That is cowardly and unfair. You must tell him, and soon.

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