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I am so sick of my MIL

(17 Posts)
Disenchanted3 Sun 01-Nov-09 17:32:05

Every week she picks up her other Grandson, takes him out all Sunday (have posted about this before), every single Sunday.

She never, ever takes our kids out.

She takes the other Grandson to her mums each Sunday who lives 4 minutes from us and then expects DH to take our 3 kids there to see her.

I have not seen MIL for about 3 months now despite her being in the area all the time!! She has not set foot in our house!

I don't know whats going on, if I have upset her or something?!

But she txt DH to tell him she was at her mums today, we are very busy today so he did not go.

We get a txt saying 'Im taking 'other grandson home now' son, you will have to bring the boys to mine one day after school'

So she wants DH to take all 3 kids on the bus, after school, in the dark one night this week to see her when she is round the corner now?!?!

Whats wrong with coming to see her grandkids if shes so desperate to?

I really don't get her

She has seen DH in the last few moths sseveral times, arranging to meet him place etc, it really feels like its about me but I don't know what I have done?!

choufleur Sun 01-Nov-09 17:33:47

Ask her what's wrong?

SqueezyCheesyPumpkin Sun 01-Nov-09 17:35:09

Can you invite her to come round one time and see what she says? You could make the phone call and probably you will get some sort of vibe as to whether there is some problem that has not been mentioned yet?

Disenchanted3 Sun 01-Nov-09 17:36:37

Its not that simple, she takes everything so personally and me even hinting that she has upset me will cause WW3 - has happened before

Doha Sun 01-Nov-09 17:36:39

Think it would depend on your DH opinion on this one. Does he see how unfair she is being on your DS's.

Think if he is in agreement (and you can put up with it) l would get your DH to text his mum to say it would be more convenient for us if you were to come here to visit the GS;s one day after school.

Then the ball is firmly in her court.

She sounds like a witch--sorry,

bigchris Sun 01-Nov-09 17:42:08

maybe she wants to see her son without you there? I dont think that is too big a deal tbh, couldnt he have popped in to see her today?

Disenchanted3 Sun 01-Nov-09 17:46:59

Without me there, every single time, for over 3 months now?!

Don't you think thats a bit unfair? and rude?

Doha Sun 01-Nov-09 17:59:50

Yes Disenchanted she is being very unkind and rude not just to you but also unfair in her treatment of your DS's and your DH.
What is her relationship with her other grandsons parents? Does she visit/spend time with them or does shu just collect the DGS and leave.

Have you done anything to offent her that you can think of?
What was your relationship like before this?
What does your DH think? Can he ask her about it?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 01-Nov-09 18:01:33

First off no texting. Not for something like this, its not appropriate here at all. People need to speak to each other directly here rather than sending bloody text messages!!!. Its really a form of non communication and lazy to boot.

Disenchanted, your DH needs to tackle his Mum on this subject asap and needs to back you up as well. Both of you need to present a united front to this person and pull her up on the favoritism shown to date. My guess is that this particular individual can be difficult at the best of times with almost anyone if she does not get her own way, am I right?.

NanaNina Sun 01-Nov-09 18:08:53

It does sound like something is wrong here. You don't say what your previous r/ship has been like i.e. has there always been difficulties between the 2 of you or is this a new departure? Is the "other grandson" her daughter's child? Sometimes it seems GPs are closer to their daughter's children than their son's children, I guess because they are obviously closer to their daughter than their dil.

I am a MIL and GP and only have sons but am lucky enough to have 3 nice dils and lovely GC who I treat the same. One thing I have noticed with these mil posts is that we often hear all about the mil and what she has or hasn't done (seems to range between not doing enough and doing too much, being overbearing etc) but all r/ships are between at least 2 people and there is a dynamic to relationships and we obviously never hear about that dynamic because dils don't give the other side of the story - not a criticism by the way, merely an observation.

Clearly your mil does not want to be in your company - does she feel uncomfortable, not wanted or something like that. Have you any idea at all what could be causing this problem (maybe looking at your attitude/behaviour towards her as well as hers towards you. Does your H not know what is the problem - why can't he ask her and try to help resolve the situation.

You are clearly feeling hurt that your children are being less favourably treated than another grandchild and this is understandable but I think you need to try to resolve the matter for all of your sakes.

bibbitybobbitycat Sun 01-Nov-09 18:11:00

Well, what does your dh say about all this? He knows her better than you. If it is upsetting you so much you need to speak to HIM first and then mil.

Disenchanted3 Sun 01-Nov-09 19:15:18

Our relationship has had ups and downs but nothing has happened lately to warrent such behaviour.

She has even dropped DH off home and not come in just drove right off.

I'm not going to pretend I am a perfect DIL, we have had issues in the past, but like I said, nothing at all has gone one since the last time I happily saw her months back.

DH doesn't want to rock the boat with her which I understand, but he just says 'i know' when i bring up the fact its weird she hasnt been here in ages.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 01-Nov-09 19:23:34

The problem here is that by him "not wanting to rock the boat" the problem is further compounded. He will have to speak to her.
My guess is that he is at heart afraid of her and her reaction. Most men with such difficult mothers have had a lifetime of such conditioning and they do find it very difficult to stand up to them.

For what its worth I also don't think its anything to do with your MIL "not feeling wanted"hmmor uncomfortable. This woman knows what she is doing, this is more to do with power and control. I guess that you've challenged her stance on more than one occasion and she thus sees you as a threat.

BTW what's FIL like. Is he at all amenable?. Or is he playing the bystander role commonly seen in these types of situation?.

Disenchanted3 Sun 01-Nov-09 19:29:21

They are seperated, FIL has just gotten married again.

I think it may be to do with when her DD came over from abroad, I was ill and didn't visit the day she was at her nans - i was so ill I didn't even attend FILs wedding! So it was nothing personal against her!

But maybe she took it that way?? Her DD is her golden child and maybe I offended her by not seeing her the whole trip?

NanaNina Sun 01-Nov-09 23:06:01

Attila - I usually agree with your posts but I was only asking if it was possible that the mil felt "not wanted or uncomfortable" not saying that this was the case. Not sure how you can be so certrain that "this woman knows what she is doing, this is more to do with power and control" when you have only heard one side of the story. At least I asked the question, rather than making a categoric statement about someone who I know nothing about.

Disenchanted - agree with others that your H must intervene here. It may be that he already knows what the problem is and is just trying to keep the peace and not escalate matters. I think he owes it to you though to try to shed some light on this problem. You seem to be more hurt than angry and clearly want this issue resolved. I think your H is the key to this, and failing that maybe you will have to pluck up courage to ask what is wrong. It doesn't sound as though this could make things any worse than they already are and at least it would break the impasse - one way or the other.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 02-Nov-09 07:33:24

These types of situations are more often than not about power and control. The MIL knows full well that she has not spoken to her DIL for three months for reasons as yet unknown to the DIL and is spiteful for doing so (she thus knows full well what she is doing). It may well be to do with what Disenchanted has suggested in one of her previous postings. It was not Disenchanted's fault that she was too ill herself to see this woman's daughter.

Unless people start talking and stop sending text messages to each other this will not get resolved. Disenchanted's DH is the key here; he has to talk to his mother although he is loathe to do so.

Bucharest Mon 02-Nov-09 07:36:12

Hello Attila and NanaNina, fancy seeing you two here!

Do agree about the texts. Only teenagers and people afraid to talk to others send texts.

Disenchanted- do you want to see her?

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