Dumped, pregnant and friendless- need support

[maledetta]

I'm posting this because I desperately need some emotional support.

I am 29 weeks pregnant after a brief fling with a man who said he wanted to be with me and have babies, and then changed his mind when it (accidentally) happened.

I see him sometimes (he's my bloody neighbour!), and he's helping, in the sense of fixing my car and bringing me firewood, but is in absolute denial that he's done anything wrong at all.

Hence, I don't want to rely on him or open up to him about my need for emotional support because I don't trust him to respond appropriately.

I thought my close friends would be there for me, but they have completely melted away over the last few months. Obviously I am too boring for them to bother with at the moment.

More seriously, I feel that I have been there for them when they have had shit times (especially one who also had a baby on her own), and now that I am in a really bad way they are wrapped up in their own problems.

One of these friends was going to be my birth partner, but she hasn't spoken to me about this for months, so I guess that's not going to happen.I don't know what's going to happen at the birth.

I feel very lonely and afraid. I know it's important when I'm pregnant to look after myself, but this is keeping me awake half the night and making me v. tired;- it's also worrying when you read that long-term stress will have an effect on the baby- but how can I not be stressed and anxious under these circumstances?

I'm desperately trying to keep everything together and not lose it- I feel there will be nobody there for me and the baby if I do lose it totally.

[Anifrangapani]

Didn't want this to go unanswerd, but I am crap at relationship advice. Hopefully someone will coe along with some advice for you. Prehaps put it in the lone parents section too.

[HeadFairy]

Sorry to hear this, it sounds like you're going through shit at the moment. I'm not the best place to offer relationship advice, but have you been offered any antenatal classes? I found the support of friends I met in an classes really important. Everyone had different backgrounds, different circumstances, but we did all have our babies in common. We started meeting up weekly before our babies were born, and then once they started arriving we all went to baby classes together, coffee together, walks in the park together. We're still going strong more than two years later...

[lambypoo]

Maledetta I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Do you have family nearby or if not nearby could you move to be near them to get yourself some support?

I feel it's some proper support that you need in this situation so you need to look at ways of getting this for yourself.

This is not uncommon for men to not be able to accept the reality of what they thought they wanted. Has he spoken to you about what's going on in his head about all this? Sounds like you two need a frank discussion and try to come to some kind of agreement on how this will go forward.

[teatank]

hi maledetta i too am crap at relationship advice. but just look after yourself and try and look to the future. in a few months time you will have a lovely new baby and wont even have time to worry about anything else. everything will work out fine am sure. and am so sorry your having a stressful time but things will get better

[apostropheisback]

have you spelled out to your friends how lonely you're feeling? It sounds like you're having a really rough time, and I hope things get better. Your midwife might be able to put you in touch with others at the same stage of pregancy for support.

[purplepeony]

Have you any family? what about your parents or siblings?
what about friend via work?

Can you tell us more what you are afraid of?

I think it might be good to try to tell this man how you feel- you know him best, but he is the child's father and you are still in contact. Maybe if you open up he might respond positively- worth a try?

[maledetta]

Oh, bless you all for replying- I'm so touched I'm crying!

HF: yes, I'm doing NCT antenatal, pregnancy yoga etc. Everybody there is quite nice, but by the time the classes finish in the evening they all want to go home. I am hoping, though, that when the babies are born we will meet up.Am feeling a bit too fragile to initiate stuff at the moment, unfortunately.

Apostrophe: yes, I did tell my friends how lonely I was feeling.I got lectures about how busy they are, and how I should do "positive affirmations"?! I'm pretty intense emotionally, and I think that they're scared of my outpourings. My counsellor said I need to examine how I choose my friends- maybe she's right?

PP: I'm not really close to my parents, but they have come through for me in the sense of inviting me to stay when the baby is born, for which I am v. grateful. I don't really feel that I can properly talk to them though.

I am really afraid that I will not have anybody there for me when I give birth. All the literature emphasises how important a good birth partner is- the DP/DH, it generally seems to assume. There's not much support out there for mothers who are so fucking hopeless the father doesn't even make it to the birth with them!

I feel like the only women who are clueless enough to end up pregnant and on their own are seen to be deprived teenagers on council estates- not thirty-something graduates!

I am very scared of opening up to the child's father because he is being so emotionally inconsistent. I am feeling so vulnerable-and, between you and me, I still have feelings for him, which I am struggling to conquer- that I am worried he would try to take advantage, you know, get a quick shag or something. He recently invited me over for a "massage" when he was pissed. I had the strength to refuse, but it really upset me.

[WelliesAndPyjamas]

Sorry about your situation and how anxious you feel.

I just wanted to comment on your worry about a birth partner. I've had two sons and my DH was with me throughout and was fab. However I don't think it is as critical as it is made out to be to have a good birth partner... most of the time you will be in too much pain to care and will sort of 'tune out' of interacting with them... also, the midwives, who are trained at birthing and see it all the time, know exactly what to say and do and IME have been lovely, kind people, and a pleasure to have with me during labour. The best thing about a BP is sharing the joy once baby arrives and tbh you would only want to do that with someone who you know would enjoy and appreciate it i.e. not a disinterested father or friend iyswim? Again, much better to enjoy this with the midwives, who seem to love the arrival of all babies , get on with bonding with the most important person in your world (baby ), get rest, and wait for the visitors and pressies! You are the lucky one to be there as baby arrives - relish it!

[HeadFairy]

Maldetta... aw don't cry!

Are all your ante natal classes in the evenings? I went to one on a saturday morning so we were all pretty refreshed afterwards. Actually we didn't really start all meeting up at first, one of the other mums passed around a sheet of paper asking for email addresses and then she sent an email around suggesting we all meet up.

I know what you mean about feeling nervous about doing things like that, but perhaps you could ask the mw before your next meeting to pass a sheet around. I'm sure she won't mind as peer group support is soooo important when you've got a newborn, even more so if you're doing it by yourself. The emailing bit is easy (ish!) because you don't have to do it face to face, a bit like talking to all of us!

Don't worry about appearing vulnerable, everyone's vulnerable when they mothers for the first time, regardless of situation I bet most of the women in your antenatal groups are feeling nervous/lost/out of their depth and would massively appreciate someone starting something like this. I know I did!

As for the birth... how are your finances? Can you stretch to hiring a doula? Is the baby's father being financially supportive (if not emotionally?) Can he pay for a doula? I think it's the least he can do really.

[maledetta]

Oh, good advice W&P! (nice sartorial combo too...).It's good to see the other point of view; I'm starting to think it might juuusst be possible to read too many hippy birthing manuals!

HF: we are deep deep in the sticks here- not much choice of antenatal classes- it took quite a lot of research to find even this one. Wow, maybe I'll be as brave as this mum who emailed everybody, because nearly everybody at the class seems genuinely nice and the kind of person I'd like to meet up with.

Finances? Unspeakable! I am a burden to the state- thank God for tax credits, maternity allowance etc. etc....(I was sacked from a well-paid but stressful job that I enjoyed this spring- self employed so no comeback).

The baby's father is ridiculously bad with money-giving me a reason to be thankful that I'm not with him-and in loads of debt. However, I shall put the doula suggestion to him. He could always extend his overdraft eh?

[HeadFairy]

I think you should badger him... he has to offer some kind of support, if only to get you through the birth. Of course it would be nice if he could face up to his responsibilities and help you support your baby financially after the birth, but this could be your first hurdle.

As for the ante natal class thing.. do it! You won't regret it at all.. a moment's minor embarrassment may be the thing that makes the next few months and years sooo much happier and enjoyable! And your babies become friends which is so lovely to see, we've moved a bit further away from my old ante natal group but I still take ds up to meet them a couple of times a month and ds gets so excited about seeing his friends again!

[Qally]

My mother and DH were at the birth, and actually mum bustling around really annoyed me and it started to hurt, when it didn't without distraction, so in the end I told her to just sit down and STFU. The midwife backed me up. My experience of birth is that you have to focus so much on your own body - and the gas and air - that anything else is at best irrelevant and at worst a serious annoyance.

You're dealing with something horrible so I think it would be weird if you weren't stressed. But, for a range of reasons I won't go into, I was in a terrible state for a fair bit of my pregnancy, and my son is the most chilled, happy, easy-going child I have ever known (certainly doesn't get it from me!). Luckily kids have their own personalities, and I am sceptical about the notion that the mother forms it all. Genes are a lottery, and they count too.

Ante natal group is so worth it - when you have a teeny baby the thing that keeps you sane is getting out of the house full stop, but especially meeting with other mothers of teeny babies.

Your friends are a fucking disgrace and don't deserve you. Hopefully they'll grow up at some stage, but in the meantime investing time in other mothers-to-be is a good move. Early motherhood is a new country, and only fellow citizens really get it in my experience! And thank God for your parents, because when the baby first arrives you'll need to be focused on getting used to him or her, not sorting out the house/laundry/meals.

I don't know where you live, but trying Mumsnet Local for meet ups might be a good idea as well?

It may not seem like it now - or at 3 am when they've been screaming all day - but I swear that being a mother is the best thing I ever did, and if I ever had to choose, I'd lose everything else before my son. I'd have him again in a heartbeat. And he arrived at a very bad moment, unplanned. Such hard work, but worth it a million fold. Try to focus on that - on you and the baby - and sod the feckless cretins. Their loss.

[poshsinglemum]

Hi there. I knwo how you are feeling because this happened to me and I know that it hurts.
I know that you want to be with him but if I were you I would plan to be an independant mum. Or as people like to call us- single mum. That way if he does come round it will be a real bonus.
I think taht when the baby is born he will fall in love with him or her but I wouldnt guarentee it. Remember- you have a miracle growing inside of you and you will be so full of happiness when your baby is born. Look after you and your baby. You will get benefits. If he dosn't come round it really is his loss. You will love being a mum and if you split up then ypou will not be alone forever.

I hoped and prayed that my dds dad would stay. He didn't but I am sooooo happy. My dd is so wonderful and I am very proud of what I have achieved. Keep in touch!

I know that it sucks to be in your situation but also that when your baby arrives it will all be worth it. keep strong.

[poshsinglemum]

Also - you will never be alone again when your little one is here! I never feel alone any more and as she gets older she shows that she loves me- it's wonderful! Also- I can be myself around her which is more than I can say about any man.

[poshsinglemum]

Plan to be alone and that way if he does come round it's a bonus. If not- then he is really a looser. Being a single mum is tough but rewarding, empowering and exciting! I have never been so happy even though at times I have been overwhelmed. You may also need to grieve the nuclear family. I did.

[poshsinglemum]

Also- its best to be alone than with a sketchy man. All the best. hugs.

[nula]

are you in love with the baby's father?
By which I mean is that part of the heartache as well?

poshsinglemum You should change your name to poshindependant mum. Your advice is excellent

[maledetta]

Qally: Glad to hear stressed out mothers can produce chilled sprogs- fingers crossed!

Also, you are right- my friends ARE a fucking disgrace. I needed to hear this, as they are kind of ganging up on me- something I haven't experienced since school!If I tell one how upset I am, I just get harangued and lectured about being "self-indulgent", etc. etc. I am sick of bending over backwards to accommodate their feelings when obviously they don't give a chuff about mine. Yep, I am needy and hysterical at the moment- with good reason- and when they were the same, I was right there for them!

(Aaaah, but that felt good!). I am sick of beating myself up for being a horrid, difficult person and driving my friends away. I haven't been. They went away of their own accord. And if friends aren't there for you when you're really in the shit, then they're not true friends.

Ranty ranty rant rant. That's better.

PSM: Love the "independent" tag."Independent Mothers"-is that not one of Beyonce's?!

[Bellsa]

Hope you're feeling a bit better now maledetta. Poshsinglemum said alot of what I would say, and I wanted to let you know, from someone who has been in the sameish position as you that you will come out the other side a stronger and better person...and best of all a mother. There are going to be crap bits, but they are not restricted to single mothers (mostly), and they will be worth it. I actually think that it is in many ways easier being a single mother, as you can just concentrate on the baby/child, and not have to worry about keeping your eyes open to chat to the other half, wory about clash of parenting styles, etc.
I too noted the swift departure of some friends I had thought would be lifelong. They just weren't interested when life got tough. I found others, and a few stuck around. You'll find other baby-related friends too.
I also think that giving birth without a birth partner, if you have to, is not necessarily a bad thing. I did it, and I don't look back and wish I had done it differently.
Anyway, just wanted to say-very good luck. My ds is 5 now, and honestly he is the best thing! It is difficult, but if I can do it then I am sure you can!

[maledetta]

Hmmmm...maybe I should add something more about the nob jockey who is the baby's father...We are definitely not together. Due to a series of uncommitted boyfriends over the past few years, I had decided to have a child on my own-at some point. And, PSM, you are right, I did go through a process of grieving for my child's father- or lack of...

Then NJ turns up, and offers me everything I ever wanted- on a plate. Kids, shared goals, an adventurous life together....Great, I thought, maybe I don't have to go through this alone!

This was all very very fast.And he was on the rebound. And I didn't know him well before we got together, which is unusual for me. But he (pretty much literally) launched himself at me....Talking about marriage on the first date, introducing me to his mother the day after...

And within a WEEK I was pregnant! Fucking hell! He had refused to wear the condoms I brought him....

And within 6 weeks I was dumped. He "kind of felt he was falling in love with me, but not totally".

I refused to speak to him or have anything to do with him for about 4 months. I've had to re-grieve the nuclear family I guess...

He pestered me to get back in touch with him;I have done, and have managed to negotiate some kind of practical support, but he's still playing games; very flirtatious one day, then cold next time I see him......Push pull, push pull...

OH yeah, "It was never serious between you and me. I mean, it's not like I want to marry you or anything...But all those things I said, I do mean them". WTF??

I never said anything about marriage! After 6 weeks?!?!

I don't feel that I can trust him as far as I can throw him, TBH.It upsets me that I'm going to have to have anything to do with him at all....I've got to talk to him in the next couple of days, because he's supposed to be fixing my car and hasn't been in touch for a week....Which means I'm manipulated into the position of having to chase him up again.

Is. It. Bloody. Worth. It?

[Bellsa]

In. A. Word. No.

[SolidGhoulBrass]

He sounds thoroughly unpleasant and TBH seriously manipulative (and a man who refuses to wear a condom is always a dickhead), so I think you need to set some boundaries WRT his co-parent status and stick to them. Remember he has a legal duty to support the baby financially and the baby has a right to know his/her father if at all possible, but that doesn't mean you have to let him play mindgames with you.

[HeadFairy]

Maldetta... what a twunt he sounds.... I must admit I've been there too though I didn't get pregnant. Not for the want of trying though, he was also talking about marriage on our first or second date, was all hearts and flowers and then just kind of fizzled. These kind of men are really really childish and think all love affairs are like the movies, they want fireworks and rockets, but the practicalities bore them so they wander off and pretend it was all you... utterly selfish and juvenile.

I agree with SGB completely, you need to sit down and draw some boundaries... almost like a legal agreement as to what you're roles will be, how much he'll contribute financially, how much he'll see your baby, how much his family will see the baby. Then don't invest anything more emotionally in this man.

[maledetta]

I'm based in the extreme SW- any good for you?

No, you can ramble all you want- that's what we're all there for, isn't it?

I agree with you totally about being worried about letting the father back into your child's life, only for him to let him down (I'm having a boy too!)down the line. Don't know how to cope with this really...it hurts to have anything to do with him at all.

I think I'm going to have to sit him down and read him the riot act in the next couple of days- see if he can understand the importance of consistency.

I guess that I'm lucky in a way that the father at least says he wants to have something to do with his child- the only problem is that he has gone back on absolutely everything he has so far said to me....

Something that has freaked me out is reading a whole pile of "mother lit" like "Misconceptions" by Naomi Wolfe, and, worst of all, "A Life's Work" by Rachel Cusk. They all seem to suggest that early motherhood is horrendous; you will go insane; the baby will NEVER stop crying; you will be a husk of your former self, the baby is like a tiny parasite who will suck all the lifeblood out of you etc.etc. And all these women have supportive partners (who don't seem to get mentioned that much)- oof!I bought these books because I thought they'd be empowering- but they just freaked me out!

And something that brought me back to reality was all the supportive posts here telling me that, in fact, new motherhood is an absolutely wonderful thing- and that it is all worth it.Phew.