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So baffled, lonely and upset since DH moved out...

(84 Posts)
BEAUTlFUL Fri 30-Oct-09 16:59:56

Title says it all! DH moved out a month ago for a "trial separation" (his words). We share the kids, alternating weekends an DH comes here 2x week to do bath/bedtimes.

As there is no real reason he's going except "we're just not right for each other", I think I expected him to come back, so I've been looking good, cheerful, upbeat and optimistic when he's here. No deep conversations, no tears, no friendly chats but all very civil.

Last night when he was here I asked him if he thought we'd done the right thing, and he at first said, "Do you?" then "Yes, as we're just not right for each other."

I pretended to be OK then had to run upstairs and bawl my eyes out, silently! sad

Now I'm just so fed up. It's all hit me. I'm a failure. No matter what my friends and family tell me, I'm obviously a big fat ugly noting as I can't keep my husband. I look at other married women and think, "Why me? What do I do that is sooo horrible that my DH would prefer to live alone in a 1-bed house, away from his beloved DC, rather than with us?"

The road ahead just seems so long, and bleak, and tiring. I don't know what to do. On the surface I seem OK, except I seem to need to talk to everybody about what's happened, I can't stop. And I just need to know what's going to happen in the future. I even found myself texting in to Psychic Interactive on TV! blush

I can' look at DH today and I'm finding it vv hard to be at all friendly or warm. I know I could easily slip into being a bitch. But I'm so sad. So horribly, horribly sad.

Please give me a non-MN hug!

Anifrangapani Fri 30-Oct-09 17:02:11


BEAUTlFUL Fri 30-Oct-09 17:06:44

Thanks! It's all just so confusing. Before he left, he refused to talk about why he was leaving. Not in a sneaky way, more in a "It's done, decided and there is nothing to talk about" way. He said he was leaving to "regain my self-respect".


BEAUTlFUL Fri 30-Oct-09 17:08:15

Will I ever get through this? If it wasn't for the D, I would happily crawl into bed with a bottle of whiskey and never come out again. I just can't move forwards unless I know why, but I supose the only reason is that he didn't love me.

Why not??!!

Mumfun Fri 30-Oct-09 17:10:03

Im so sorry. Its so horrible. As you know Im in fairly similar position Except my H has definitely OW. And hes been really unsettled for 3 years. He doesnt want to come back.

I dont really know what to say as it is so s*ty. Im 6 months in on separation.

What can you do but look after the kids and yourself -and try to make the best of what life throws at you.


3littlefrogs Fri 30-Oct-09 17:13:16

He is being manipulative and selfish IMO. You have every right to know why he has left. He clearly has an agenda that he is not prepared to share with you. He is being cruel in the extreme.

You are the mother of his children and deserve an explanation.

TBH I would not put on a brave face. I would tell him, in as dignified way as I could muster, that I was hurt, baffled and devastated, and that he should do me the courtesy of an honest explanation.


BEAUTlFUL Fri 30-Oct-09 17:14:50

Thanks. (I just noticed that the hugs look a bit like fanjoes. And I'm so lonely, I don't really mind!blush But I'll take whatever!)

I'm so sorry you're going through this too, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

It's so hard because I have to see him so often so I can't quietly fall apart in peace. There's no clean break. I'm buggered if 'll let him see that I'm distraught as he is SO contained and distant, I don't want him to have any satisfaction that he is anything other than blissfully easy to forget. But I can't. I keep remembering the hope at the start, and how much I adored him. All that happiness just gone.

I absolutely hate this.

destroyed Fri 30-Oct-09 17:15:04

So sorry for you BEAUTIFUL, I have no words of wisdom as I fear I am in the throws of also losing my DH and I know exactly how you feel. Its unbearable. Big hugs to you, I hope you are ok with family and friends to support you.

Anifrangapani Fri 30-Oct-09 17:15:47

Plan for your life without him.

I would ask him what his motives were - explain that it is difficult to adjust to such an arbitary decision on his part. I am a bitch enough to want to throw his words right back at him "no self respecting person leaves without so much as a by your leave" type thing.

OscarByTheSea Fri 30-Oct-09 17:18:11

You are not a failure and you are not horrible. You sound like a lovely and lovable person.

Are you sure he isn't seeing someone else? Mid-life crisis?

I'm so sorry ((( ))).

BEAUTlFUL Fri 30-Oct-09 17:18:19

3littlefrogs... I just don't know. I don't know if I could do that without breaking down. And would reasons actually help?

I'm worried it'll look like I'm begging, or something. I haven't been very dignified in this rlationship so I am desperately trying to divorce with dignity.

I really don't know what to do.

BEAUTlFUL Fri 30-Oct-09 17:24:19

You're all so fabulous, thank you so much. It really, really helps.

Destroyed -- it's horrific, isn't it? I had no idea it would be like this. When we weren't getting on, I used to daydream how much easier life would be without him here. But now it's actually happened, I just miss him. I really miss him. I miss going to his bloody parents' house! I miss doing family stuff together. I miss his shirts in the washing basket.

dittany Fri 30-Oct-09 17:45:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BEAUTlFUL Fri 30-Oct-09 17:50:34

Yes, he has always been this witholding. Stupidly, it made me really keen on him at the beginning. He seemed so enigmatic. hmm

It's awful, his being here twice a week. I'd rather he had the kids there but one of them is very young (under 2) and I don't know if it's doable.

Is it wrong for me to really, really not want him to know that I'm gutted? It's just he is so uncommunicative, I don't want him to have the ego-boost of nowing exactly how I feel when I don't have a clue about his feelings?

BEAUTlFUL Fri 30-Oct-09 17:54:04

Do men really have mid-life crises? He is in his mid-40s. He had gone off sex too... But I never found one scrap of evidence that he was cheating on me.

I guess he Just Wasn't That Into Me. I know I'm not the first woman to adore someone who never loved her back, but argh.

ImSoNotTelling Fri 30-Oct-09 18:05:53

Oh beautiful I am so sorry. I have never done a hug before I will try one now {{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}

I also remember your stepford thread smile and have always spotted you around. I am so sorry that this has happened.

No advice though I'm afraid. Was he nice to you when he was there? I understand that you love him and miss him, but was he nice, kind? Did he make you feel good?

ABatDead Fri 30-Oct-09 18:12:16

I remember this thread from April.

This is what you said he had said back then but did you ever get to the bottom of it?

"That he needs to feel an emotional connection ..... In the evenings, he says, I seem to be like a "blank wall" and don't listen to what he's saying. Then we go to bed at different times and that's it, another night gone.

He says he tries to sit next to me on the sofa but I just brush him away, and hat I see to be in a bad mood with him quite often. (That might be true, but it's all just depressing me.)"

dittany Fri 30-Oct-09 18:16:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missingthepumpkin Fri 30-Oct-09 18:30:18

You sound as if you understand everything that's understandable - it is about him, not about you; he's just not that in to you; it is terribly terribly sad and difficult but you will get through it; many have trodden this path before you and it's rough and tough but there is lots of support and it does get smoother and easier.

Expect life to be difficult for a while.

You do have to look forwards and make sure you create a reasonable life for yourself: I don't see why he can't have the kids - there is no strictly biological reason why a dad can't cope with toddler is there? He wants to split - he will have to make some extra effort, not your.

So sorry

Mumfun Fri 30-Oct-09 18:37:06


I didnt realise he was mid 40s. Mine is too and went off sex -told me he wasnt in love any more.

Definitely 2nd child was a factor - not happy about life being totally taken over (but denies now as too awful to look to be resenting children)

I was warned to look for OW - but couldnt see it - but then I found evidence one day very suddenly and shockingly -I had totally trusted him -always.

So really sorry be open to the possibility that he may be having an EA or maybe even PA - I never in a million years thought H would have been having a PA!

The site that has helped keep my sanity is Sadly lots of Brits - very helpful and supportive and meetups

Mine was definitely having a midlifecrisis - any other stuff indicate this to you?

macdoodle Fri 30-Oct-09 21:24:36

He has an OW - no doubt whatsover in my mind - pick yourself up, dust yourself off, chin up girl and move on!!
He does not deserve you not for a second!!! FWIW I know its not actually that easy has taken me nearly 3 years to do so!
I dont really do hugs, but can do a <<sympathetic manly slap on the back>>

BEAUTlFUL Fri 30-Oct-09 21:29:23

Hello, you are all being absolutely lovely, thank you so much.

Lovely Mumfun (((Mumfun))). I'm so sorry you found out your DH was having an affair. That must be devastating. What is a PA? Proper Affair? Of course it's possible... But I even secretly read his mobile-phone bill from the day he moved out and there was nothing. No repeated calls to one number, only a handful of texts the entire month... Unless he has another phone?

Midlife crisis: Possibly? What are the signs? I should read that forum.

BEAUTlFUL Fri 30-Oct-09 21:31:48

Lovely Macdoodle -- why do you think (so strongly) that he's got another woman? I keep wondering it, it is niggling... He has so much in this house, I can't believe he'd walk out on it without someone waiting... But I've never had any proof.

BEAUTlFUL Fri 30-Oct-09 21:32:35

<<ouch from manly slap>> Easy there

BEAUTlFUL Fri 30-Oct-09 21:34:30

Lovely missingthepumpkin... Thanks. He was over here tonight and I told him that he had to have the DC on Wednesdays, at his house. He was annoyed but agreed. It's inconvenient for him but I told him, everything about this is inconvenient to me!

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