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Please help me before I go home...

(25 Posts)
soscaredsostupid Fri 30-Oct-09 14:36:38

I have name changed for reasons that will become obvious. I am so freaked out. I am at work at the moment. I will give you a very brief back story that may make some of you recognise me. Allchanging - and Attila you were so helpful to me in my last thread.
Been together 20 years, 2 dc's, work fulltime, partner doesnt work, smokes weed etc.
remember me ?
paranoia is getting worse.We were supposed to be making an effort. He recently discovered I had been using facebook and decided to log in and read through my entire history while I was out one morning. Usual mum of 2 ramblings. Occasional tongue in cheek status update where I refered to him as the grumpy person, never by name as he doesnt like his real name used on the internet. he went ballistic, said I had spent the last 18 months slagging him off and abusing him in public, making our relationship public etc ? Went mad, left a horrible voicemail on my phone. My sister phoned me in shock as he had left a message on my facebook wall calling me a f*** bitch and saying I should buy my own P.C to slag him off with !
Came home and he couldnt see the big deal in what he had done, said I was in the wrong for using it. Said he didnt realise everyone would see it ?? apologised for that but really angry with ME for what I have typed ? Has sulked for 2 days and isnt talking to me. Said I have betrayed him. Now found out from the girlfiend of his best mate ( who was concerned ebough to ring me at work ) that he has put a keylog on the p.c at home so he can log everything I type and post anywhere !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so freake dout. Apparently hjis best mate thinks he has lost it and he has said he will go mad If I try and take the kids away.
We are clearly over. Our making an effort has been a joke, apparently ruined by me becuadse after my first night out in over 6 years last week, I came home a bit tipsy and fell alseep. yet I was happy and joking while I was out but rude and grumpy when I came home.
I dont know what to do. We are clearly over. Why am I still so scared to make it final ??
Im scared im going to do nothing.
A line has been crossed hasnt it ? You cant spy on someone like that can you !!

Lemonylemon Fri 30-Oct-09 14:45:23

The line was crossed a long time ago. Grow a pair, get a backbone and DO SOMETHING about it for once and for all. You've had lots and lots of support on your threads here - now put it into action!!!

Sorry to sound harsh, but you really cannot be going on like this. Good luck - you deserve much, much better...

AccioPinotGrigio Fri 30-Oct-09 14:46:25

I think I remember your last thread. This FB problem seems symptomatic of your bigger relationship problems and if I were you I wouldn't waste my time arguing this one out. Purely by inference - from what you have said in other posts - I think your focus should be on strategies to extricate yourself from a relationship which for you appears to be over.

eyetunes Fri 30-Oct-09 14:47:43

Agree. Get the hell out.

NicknameTaken Fri 30-Oct-09 14:49:41

I read somewhere that a wishbone is no substitute for a backbone. This is no way to live, OP.

thatsnotmymonster Fri 30-Oct-09 14:49:50

What is a keylog and how does it work?

junglist1 Fri 30-Oct-09 14:59:34

I agree with getting out. But very very carefully. He sounds unstable

soscaredsostupid Fri 30-Oct-09 15:07:43

He is very p.c literate and knows all sorts of things. He has written programmes and all sorts of things so I know its very likely he can do this. Apparently a key log is something hidden in the system that logs every " keystroke ". It can then be read back by the person that installed it. So for example if I oogged into here at home it would record everything I touched on the key board. He has threatend to use one before.
he really, really doesnt trust me and apparently its my fault as I have fed it and made it worse.
I KNOW I need to end. I do know that. I feel so weak about it though. 20 years is so long and I am actually a bit scared now.
I KNOW I need to " grow a pair " Im so ashamed of myslef. I never ever want this for my girls. Im nearly 40 now, I dont care anymore if I spend the rest of my life alone, I want them to be happy.

Lemonylemon Fri 30-Oct-09 15:12:52

Then that should be your cue. Keep the anger - you want the best thing for your girls. That thought should be foremost in your mind. Don't worry about bottling it - you won't if you are determined to do the best thing by your girls.....

OscarByTheSea Fri 30-Oct-09 17:26:28

If you are paralyzed with fear but know that you need to leave (which you do), can you ask someone to help you with all the practicals. Good friend? Relative?

allchanging Sun 01-Nov-09 19:52:43

Oh hunny, I'm so sorry its come to this. Yet again he shows he has way too much time on his hands.

He is starting to sound unstable now. You need to ask for help. If you know this is over and REALLY want to get out, its time to tell somebody everything. It will make you feel much better than u think, and you'll get practical help that u need. I'm sure your mum will understand. You have people, you need to reach out and then u wont feel so alone and helpless.

Yes 20 years is a long time, but you've given him every chance to change things. What he's done with fb is totally out of line, and i dont think its any coindedence he's done AFTER your night out.

U need to get out hun, now. Keep posting, talk to someone in RL, and be strong, you know you are xxx

ps, always go to "tools" on your internet toolbar, then select "delete all internet history" just to be on the safe side x

GypsyMoth Sun 01-Nov-09 20:01:19

Just go. Don't worry about consequences

steph101 Sun 01-Nov-09 20:01:23

Have just googled Keylogger. Am horrified!!


soscaredsostupid Thu 05-Nov-09 14:02:01

Hello all,
Im stil here. I'm still going through this bloody merry ground and wondering what it is that is wrong with me and making me stay.

I had an awful weekend. I asked him about the keylogger that I had been told he had installed. He swore emphatically that he hadnt. He said it was something he had said angrily to a mate but hadn't done it. He went to great pains to show me the background of the software although it means nothing to me.
I am so so aware that of course it could be there and he could be lying.
He got so offended and said that our realtionship was a joke and all he wanted was to spend time with me and be affectionate and have someone to snuggle up with at night.
I cant do it though. I cringe when he comes near me and thats why I feel so bad.
I feel like I am going mad.

He drives me insane. I dont agree with a word he says. I dont agree with his views, he is crude and obnoxious and generally angry at the world.
He doesnt work and isnt making much of an effort to find work although he assured me he would. He stays up till 3am most nights then sleeps while the girls and I are at work/school.

Now he wants sex all the time. He makes suggestive remarks all the time to me and gets very offended if I decline. Now im wondering if its ME thats un reasonable. Last night I was exhausted. I had been at work all day done the school run etc and then bathed and bed the DC. He cooked the dinner but this was to prove a pojnt. When he made his advance I said in the nicest way i was tired and he got really offended. This mornig I didnt have to go into work till 10:30 as I DD2 had an eye appointment so he said " oh we have an hour to ourselves we can spend the hour in bed " in a leery fashion. I just flew at him. So he wants me to get up , take the girls to school ( while he stays in bed ) come back, have sex with him, then go to work, leaving him in bed. Come home and start all over again.
Becuase I said no, he said that most women want a partner that wants to be with them all the time and that Im being unreasonable and cold etc.
he just doesnt get it but is twisting everything !! I wouldnt mind but we only had sex on tuesday night, its not like it was months ago !!


Why cant I let go. Why am I staying with him. Do I love him, if so why cant I bear to be " with "
Im wondering if I need some sort of help. He has utterly convinced me that actually I am the one causing the damge and all he wants is to be affectionate and Im a cold cow !

Fabster Thu 05-Nov-09 14:06:07

I have no idea about your history but all I can think to say is yes, 20 years is a long time to be with someone, but I would hazard a guess that you have a lot longer than 20 years to live so you need to leave to get on with the rest of your life. Don't think for a minute staying is best for your kids as it isn't.

Good luck.

soscaredsostupid Thu 05-Nov-09 14:14:23

Its funny. But as I type this he sounds dreadful. Seeing it in black and white is so impersonal and I feel as if it is OBVIOUS that I should leave. Im not happy. I dream about being on my own and the impact it is having on the girls etc.

When he is in front of me its sooo different. He doesnt want to break up, that much is obvious. He acts all wounded and hurt and manages to cleverly twist everything aorund . He often has tears in his eyes and says that he just wants us to be together and I feel dreadful.

I trawl this board looking for other examples and stories of women who have got out and I think, that could be me . When I am actually faced with it though, I freeze.
IE: on sunday he got really and said he was going to leave, we were over etc. I suddenyl started thinking about nice things and how I would be lonely and I panicked. What the hell is wrong with me !!!!!!!! I can and do cope financially, I pay for everything, I dont " need" him. WHY WHY WHY !!!!!!

autumnlight Thu 05-Nov-09 14:14:44

I agree. You have been through enough in this situation for 20 years. You will have a happier life when you are out of it. Best wishes to you.

CarGirl Thu 05-Nov-09 14:20:12

Change is very hard, leaving etc is a huge change. That is why you are scared, it is the big unknown.

He is desperate for you to stay together he is using every trick in the book to emotional blackmail you into staying.

Pack your bags and go, have you got somewhere you can go.

Get a solicitor get the ball rolling for a divorce asap.

Aussieng Thu 05-Nov-09 14:32:36

Soscared Aren't you lonely anyway? Believe me after the first shock of it, being lonely in a relationship is much worse than being by yourself even if you are sometimes lonely on your own because there is nothing worse than being lonely while with the wrong person, knowing that and feeling unable to do anything about it or communicate with the one person you should be able to communicate with.

Your DH sounds like a selfish immature over-grown student and worryingly controlling too with a selfish and childish attitude towards sex. You have to think about "you" and whether "you" are happy and what "you" can do to make "you" happy. If you're not happy, how can you not make him unhappy too? Given the impact of your own unhappiness, thining about "you" is not really selfish. Your DP (and possibly DC) will sense your unhappiness and that is possibly where his insecurity and accusations of being grumpy originate from.

If you can't resolve anything with him and he wont change then if being alone is what will make you happy, you have to do it - it is better for you all in the long run.

That is not to say it is easy. You have been with him for 20 years and have DC together and it wont be black and white. You can't expect it to be. And at the point where he is threatening to leave, you probably feel worse because that was presumably heated and dramatic, done with the aim of freaking you out and also taking any control of the situation away from you.

Only you can decide whether what you get out of the relationship is worth what you put in to it and if/when that answer is "no" and you don't think that will change, hopefully find the strength to move on.

selsworld Thu 05-Nov-09 14:39:26

There is nothing wrong with you at all, anybody who gets pressured like that would feel the same way! The only reason its hard to leave is after 20 years it becomes habit. You dont sound as though you rely on him for anything anyway so you will be able to cope. Do the best that you can for you and the girls and dont look back. You need a life too!

GypsyMoth Thu 05-Nov-09 14:42:04

reading this i see myself 5 years ago.....walking on eggshells all the time.

you have to really,really want it,which i feel you do. keep going through the leaving options you have, in your head.....imagine how it can be done and work it out.

a place to put aside.....things you'd like to take/leave it all comes together,in your head,you'll find you look at things differently. i did. as i was doing housework i'd be thinking 'i'll take this but get a new hoover' etc.

get your head round it. in many ways its easier to leave when violence is involved,as my case,but you don't have 'incidents' as such to count,so just linger.

i have been there...i left with 4 dc and stayed in a lovely hostel for 11 months waiting to be re-housed

Servalan Thu 05-Nov-09 14:42:20

Is there any way you can take yourself and your DC away for a few days so you have a bit of distance from him and perspective?

It'll be very hard to take a break from anything after 20 years, let alone a relationship. Even if the love has gone, being with him will be a habit and habits are hard to break, even if destructive.

Hard to break, but not impossible.

soscaredsostupid Thu 05-Nov-09 15:25:50

The house would be mine as I have always paid the rent and all the bills etc. He would leave. He has told me this before.

Technically I would be no better off at all. Although I would be without the t.v, p.c and anything thats decent as he has already said he would take these things. I dont really imagine I would care though.

20 years is a long time and I am well aware he is a habit of mine. I am just so tired of it all. I am tired of working myself up to asking him to leave and then him emotionally blackmailing me by telling me what will be different and how I am breaking things up.
It all sounds so lame.

I wish he would do something dreadful, so final.

I am 35. I want a life before its too late.

I have had such support from people here and in a weird sort of way I feel like I am letting people down.

Regardsless of who did what to do in our relationship, I am NOT happy and we do not agree on anything and I am not comfy with him so WHY can I not end it.

Aussieng Thu 05-Nov-09 15:39:40

I did not realise that you were so young.

Perhaps you can't end it because, like many women you think that the status quo makes him and your DC happy and worry that you are being unreasonable in wanting more? Also you've been together since you were 15 (all of your adult life) so you have never known anything other that being with him.

Cringing when he comes near you sounds pretty grim sad but you will decide when it is too bad to go on. Or you will make him so unhappy that he will either make that decision or fulfill your wish and do something dreadful - been there, its not fun and you really need to be careful what you wish for.

CarGirl Thu 05-Nov-09 16:11:13

Please just start divorce proceedings and ask him to leave. Surely you will be better off without him, no habit to support and he will have to pay you maintenance even if it is just £5 per week out of his benefits.

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