Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Should I tell

(259 Posts)
handmedownqueen Thu 29-Oct-09 22:43:40

My lovely DH that I went to bed with an old friend. I love DH and have no excuses for it except a mini midlife crisis and feeling a lot of stress at present with work kids etc. Drank far too much and succumbed. It wasn't even much good and certainly made me feel I was missing nothing. I'm not going to benefit anyone by telling am I?

stainesmassif Thu 29-Oct-09 22:50:53

my advice is no, if you are not going to do it again, if dh is not going to find out otherwise, if you still have a future together, i don't see the benefit of destroying your dh's trust in you. tbh it sounds as if you're looking for my answer though!

poshwellies Thu 29-Oct-09 22:51:20

No! Don't tell,it will rip everything apart,if you do tell dh you are doing it out of guilt,he won't thank you for it.

Keep it to yourself,live with it and never get yourself in that situation again.

TippyTumbles Thu 29-Oct-09 22:52:33

Don't say anything. You regret it, got nothing out of it if you fess up you will hurt your DH, say nothing and hope that your old friend will do the same.

MuthaHubbard Thu 29-Oct-09 22:55:15

imo no. it may make you feel better but will hurt your dh. you will feel guilty, and so you should but that won't last forever. but sounds like you know you've made a stupid mistake and won't do it again.

SolidGhoulBrass Thu 29-Oct-09 22:56:32

Another vote for keeping it quiet unless you think there is any likelihood of the old friend blabbing, in which case it's better if it comes from you first.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Thu 29-Oct-09 23:37:52

And here's the voice of dissent. Secrets destroy intimacy in a relationship and you will view your DH differently now - like a victim at worst and I guarantee you will treat him differently in a myriad of small ways.

These things happen for a reason as well - and I think you might be in a bit of denial about why this happened. I suspect the old friend is a red herring though - the fact that you had sex with someone else isn't though.

Tortington Thu 29-Oct-09 23:38:53


lou33 Thu 29-Oct-09 23:40:19


nula Thu 29-Oct-09 23:49:59

no no no

thesecondcocking Thu 29-Oct-09 23:55:40

no-never ever ever ever

Jennylee Fri 30-Oct-09 00:37:50

no don't tell and don't do it again

diddl Fri 30-Oct-09 07:54:38

Yet when a man does this,the wife has a right to know etc...

Or does that not apply to one night stands?

countingto10 Fri 30-Oct-09 08:03:52

Another one for complete honesty here as well. If you keep this secret you may feel it easier to keep other things secret too, big or small. And easier to tell other lies in future.

Be prepared for the fallout - hopefully your DH is a good, kind man who will understand and praise you for your honesty.

I spoke to my DH before I wrote this to hear his POV (this is from a man who had an affair 6 months ago and is trying to rebuild his marriage). He said he would be worried that I would have to be emotionally attached to the man to have sex but if I was drunk it would be different but he would definitely want to know. We are now building a relationship based on complete honesty with everything, honesty of feelings etc.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Anifrangapani Fri 30-Oct-09 08:11:47

Tell him.
It wasn't the sleeping with someone else while drunk that nearly killed my marriage, but the lies and dishonesty.

I also think you need to address the issuses underlying (pardon the pun) that led to your infidelity.

thesecondcocking Fri 30-Oct-09 09:26:36

i wouldn't necessarily encourage a man to come clean.
not everyone sees a drunken fuck as a deal breaker-i certainly don't.
If dp did that then i wouldn't be happy but i doubt i'd break our family up for that? If your dp would then you should NOT tell,anyone ever.
If i did it i would hope that the same would apply.
I slept with an old friend when i was with my last long term dp-He'd been consoling me (over 28 bottles of wine) about how shit my relationship was- i felt awful,really really awful for doing that to my partner in fact i was gutted,and the person who would normally support me was my partner and obviously i couldn't tell him-the thing that was worse for me is that we were emotionally close enough for that to happen.In a way it made me value ex-dp more-although the guilt was a killer.
If i'd gone to a club,got pissed out of my mind and copped off that would be somehow 'better' IMHO to deal with.
I wish you luck and really feel for you-you can sort it out you know?

HappyWoman Fri 30-Oct-09 10:09:01

I think you need to be totally honest.
If you truly do regret it and he can see that then he may well forgive you - but that is up to him to decide and not you.

Would it be any different if you passed on an STD for instance.

I dont think you would be telling him out of guilt but out of decent honest kindness.

I do hope though that he will forgive you and it may well lead you to have a better relationship in the future.

Jennylee Fri 30-Oct-09 10:26:22

What if you tell and it destroys your relationship forever. It will hurt your partner less if you never tell and never do it again. Also if you have kids do you want to risk ruining their present lives for something you know was a mistake and will never do again? I would say the same to a man if it was just the one time and he would never do it again. Hurting your partner is not a kindness

Anifrangapani Fri 30-Oct-09 10:30:04

It is an interesting break down - all the people who have been left holding the shitty end of the stick are saying that you need to tell your husband.

SolidGhoulBrass Fri 30-Oct-09 10:37:44

It perhaps depends a little on what kind of person you think your DP is and whether or not the two of you ever discussed attitudes to infidelity prior to this.
Because plenty of people would regard a drunken one off as not a big enough deal to end a relationship over, but some would get unreasonably hysterical over a peck on the cheek, after all.

HappyWoman Fri 30-Oct-09 10:38:36

I would have said that before too.
And i wonder if it applies to other things too.

say doing something really stupid like gambling a large sum of money??

And doing something equally silly whilst being drunk.

This has become part of this persons life (however much they now regret it) and what we are doing is saying someone should not reveal something about themselves just to save the relationship

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 30-Oct-09 10:45:33

I would say keep schtum.

I think a long term affair or regular indiscretions need to be known, but a drunken one night stand I thinbk you would best to keep it a secret.

tiredfeet Fri 30-Oct-09 10:48:17

I strongly feel that people have a right to know if they have been cheated on, a right to decide how they feek about it. Otherwise the lies become another thing destroying the relationship. Anifrangapani put it well.

LoveBeingAMummy Fri 30-Oct-09 10:50:14

Depends on why you want to tell him, what do you hope to gain?

Snorbs Fri 30-Oct-09 11:20:45

My vote is for honesty. Secrets tend to be corrosive and they destroy respect. How can you respect someone you could so blithely lie to?

Also, in witholding this information from him, you'd be denying him his choice in this. Tell him and he may choose to forgive, he may choose to pretend it never happened, he may walk. That's for him to decide, though. And he can only make that important decision if you're honest with him.

To frame this as keeping quiet to avoid "hurting" your DH is, I'd say, missing the point entirely. By keeping it quiet the main person you'd be protecting is you. If you're going to hush it up at least be clear about your motives.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: