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divorce - how to cope

(7 Posts)
mistressnicola Thu 29-Oct-09 17:37:05

My husband has been unfaithful to me ever since my son was born, almost twelve years ago. I have put up with it because I am financially dependent on him and also because I never wanted my children to come from a "broken home" like I did. His latest girlfriend is much more serious than the last one and wants him lock stock and barrel. I have fretted about it for months and come to the conclusion that divorce is the best and only sensible option. I know that he will be nasty though. He earns loads more than me and ridicules my "pretend" part time job of 1000 pounds a month, and says he will do me "serious damage" (emotionally and financially) if I cross him. I have spoken to a solicitor who says I shouldn't worry - I will probably get to stay in the house etc, and there is no way he would get custody of the kids (he has never been very involved in their upbringing). So I know what I need to do, but the thing is, I feel so exhausted and scared. Any similar experiences? Any good advice very gratefully received.

TippyTumbles Thu 29-Oct-09 17:40:47

His sounds like a right charmer! Listen to your solicitor, tell him/her about all his flings during your relationship - it will be him who is screwed and not you, he knows this hence his threats towards you.

Tillyscoutsmum Thu 29-Oct-09 17:46:18

My best coping mechanism tbh was to separate first and wait a while before dealing with the divorce itself. That way I could separate the emotional and practical elements to a certain extent. I think once you have stepped away and realise that he doesn't scare you and can't control you, then you feel much stronger.

Is there any way he would agree to move out and pay some maintenance for the dc's for a while whilst you "sort things out" ? Even 6 months of space should give you chance to get your head together and get stronger.

Sorry to hear you're going through it sad

mistressnicola Tue 03-Nov-09 21:39:23

Thanks so much for the replies, I feel better just knowing that I am not alone. He is staying lots with his mistress so I have got time to think. Just need to keep remembering that other people have been through this and come out ok. It has knocked my confidence really badly, but I guess that is to be expected. Anyone know of any good guidebooks/inspiring novels/films to watch when you feel like this?

lilac21 Tue 03-Nov-09 21:59:43

Try the wikivorce website, you will find others in a similar situation who don't mind if you need to talk about it. I'm emotionally separated and weeks away from completing on the purchase of a house for me and the children. I can't wait to move out - I envy you the space you have now, every footstep and cough irritates me!

I've been through the nasty stage, I wrote it all down and if ever I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, I look back at how he has behaved towards me (and the children too, at times) and I know I am right. Sometimes divorce is the best option.

poshsinglemum Tue 03-Nov-09 23:10:37

It will be worse for your kids if you do stay with this man. They will think that it's acceptable for a man to have affairs. He's been awful.

Your home dosn't have to be broken btw if you split up. In fact it will probably be much more together and happy once you kick him to the kerb.

mistressnicola Wed 04-Nov-09 12:21:09

Thanks. Poshsinglemum, you are right, I know. Already it feels calmer and nicer when he is not around, and like lilac21, my heart sinks the minute I see him and I go back to feeling all panicky and confused. I am dreading telling him about the d-i-v though - I know he will be really horrible and threatening. Not sure whether to tell him first or just have the papers sent to his mistress's flat...

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